Movement 111

the serpent
DR GOD?
Following my recent
revelation that
students could not
have written the
Bible, further digging
around the CV of the
Almighty has revealed
his claims to having
achieved a doctorate
are bogus. While the
CV is generally
impressive, God
never makes clear
whether the
is
doctorate
academic (claims
to be all-knowing)
or medical (note
many healings)-
Triggered by these
initial suspicions the
main findings of my
report to the matriculation
board at the
University of Life are
as follows:
1. Thesis
His supposed thesis,
'The Bible', is His only
major publication. lt
was written in
many obscure,
extinct
languages,
rendering
meanings and
findings open to
debate. lt has no
references and has
not as yet been
published in a
refereed journal.
There is some doubt
that He even wrote it
by himself (note
earlier research into
academic
provenance,
Movement ttL,
2OOL).
2. Research
It may be true that He
created the. world,
but what has He done
since then? His cooperative
efforts have
been limited. The
scientific community
has had a hard time
his
replicating
results. He never
applied to the ethics
board for permission
to use human
subjects. When one
experiment went awry
he tried to cover up
the evidence by
his
drowning
subjects.
subjects
didn't
I
J
When
behave
as
predicted, he
deleted them
from the
sample.
3. Teaching
He rarely attended
lectures, telling His
students to 'Read the
book.' There is
evidence of nepotism
in His influence on
academic appoint-
with
ments,
consistent rumours
that He appointed His
son as assistant
reader on His own
course.
His pastoral care of
students has been
erratic in the
extreme, for which
examples abound. He
expelled his first two
students for learning.
Later, although there
were only ten requirements,
most of His
students failed His
tests. Finally His
office hours were
infrequent and the
office itself appears
to have been located
off-campus at the top
of a nearby mountain.
4. Grammar and
Megalomania
His demand that the
rest of the University
capitalise the third
person pronoun when
referring to Him is
indicative of incipient
megalomania. I
recommend that He
be referred for
counselling.
However the
university
may like to
take an
option
on His
life
story
following the recent
success of 'mentally
troubled academic'
films
t
Beautiful Mind.
such as
AXIS TO GRIND?
Angered by George
Bush's snubbing by
omission f rom his
recent diatribe
against potentially
naughty states a
variety of the usual
suspects have
banded together to
form their own clubs.
Cuba, Sudan and
Serbia have become
founder members of
the Axis of Somewhat
Evil. Meanwhile
Libya, China, and
Syria announced they
had formed the Axis
of Just as Evil,
claiming to be much
worse than the
lightweight lran-lraq-
Korea
North
grouping.
ln an official
statement released
to the world press,
Axis of Evil members
immediately
dismissed the new
axes. 'Sufferers the
world over know
we're the best at
being evil, that ours
is the original and
best brand of evil on
the market. We ask
that countries refrain
from applying to join
our Axis. Our
forebears in World
War ll, Germany,
Italy, and Japan,
established that an
axis may only have
three members. Our
Axis is full. That is
until the USA bombs
one of us into
oblivion, but
because they're
the good guys
we're sure
they won't
do
^-.
something as
evil as that.'
With the criteria
proving somewhat
flexible, but all the
most desirable
axes filling up,
Sierra Leone, El
Salvador
and
Rwanda applied to
be called the Axis of
Countries That Aren't
the Worst But
Certainly Won't Be
Asked to Host the
Olympics. Canada,
Mexico, and France
formed the Axis of
Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice
But Secretly Have
Nasty Thoughts About
America. Meanwhile
Scotland and New
Zealand are
canvassing for a third
country to join them
in th e Axis of
Countries That Be
Allowed to Ask Sheep
to Wear Lipstick. The
White House said it
would accept all
applications on their
merits and asked
nations to be patient
while it sorts out the
paperwork, which
requires presidential
Little
approval.
George has to be
taught to write his
signature joined up
so that he doesn't
look silly.
KHRIST KRUSIFIED
ON A KROSS
Following news of a
Malaysian skhoolteasher's
instruktion
to pupils not to kross
their 't's, I exhort all
readers to embark
upon reprisals. The
religion teasher
klaims to be protekting
lslam from the
Khristian influense of
the kross-like letter
't'. Until further
o
notise Serpent will
refrain from using
the letter 'c' (l had
to use it
there,
otherwise
you may
have
bekome
konfused). The
phonetics 'k'
and
! _'s'
will be
used as
ot "f';'::ll?i
,"
a well-known
symbol of lslam and
therefore represents
a signifikant threat to
our Khristian faith
and must be avoided
at all kosts.