HOLY LAND BOOK - Draft

The Food
The traditional Friday night Shabbat meal
features a fish course (with gefilte fish as
an Eastern European classic, often nowadays
accompanied by salads inspired by
Israeli cuisine), followed by a soup course
(most classic is chicken soup), and then a
meat or chicken course.
Shabbat day generally features a fish
course and then a meat course containing
a hot stew called tcholent. Since it is
forbidden to cook food on Shabbat, the
tcholent has been slowly cooking since
Friday afternoon before sundown, either
on the stovetop or in a crockpot. (Tcholent
is the Eastern European term; in Sephardic
parlance, the equivalent, often spicier,
dish is known as chameen.)
These multi-course menus are traditional
but not mandatory, and it is increasingly
common to serve a one-course Shabbat
meal, but be prepared . . . what seems
like an entire meal may be just the first
course.
All that, of course, followed by dessert!
Don’t worry, you are not obligated to eat
or even taste everything.
What to Do
Enjoy the food and the company! In addition
to table talk, we make sure to include
words of Torah at our Shabbat tables, and
at some point someone will probably take
the floor for a few minutes to present a
Torah thought. If your hosts have children,
they may share their knowledge of the
weekly Torah portion and enjoy some
positive attention. There will also likely
be some singing, of traditional Shabbat
hymns as well as other Jewish songs of a
joyful or spiritual nature.
You can feel comfortable discussing all
the usual topics that might be discussed
a dinner party—politics, recent experiences,
the weather . . . and don’t be
afraid to ask questions. If anything seems
mystifying or unclear to you, don’t be shy.
Your hosts or fellow guests will be happy
to explain.
If you lend a hand with clearing plates or
carrying serving dishes, it will likely be
appreciated.
What Not to Do
When you come, don’t ring the doorbell.
Knock instead.
Don’t take pictures.
Don’t use your phone.
When using the bathroom, avail yourself
of the tissues or pre-torn toilet paper,
rather than tearing toilet paper.
Important: Please don’t turn off any lights,
as there will be no Shabbat-permissible
way to turn them back on. (If you have
already mistakenly turned off the light in
the bathroom, you can at least know that
you are not the first one to have made
this mistake . . . even those who have
observed Shabbat for many years may
unthinkingly do this.)
Don’t worry, there is no problem at all
with flushing the toilet.
Grace After Meals
As the meal is winding down, someone
will suggest bentching. This Yiddish word
means “blessing,” and is a reference to
the Grace After Meals. Small booklets will
be brought to the table containing the
text of the Grace After Meals. There are
sure to be some booklets with an English
translation, so you can read it comfortably
yourself.
Help! I’m invited to an Orthodox Shabbat.
Now what??
For those of you that are not familiar,
Shabbat-observant folks do not activate
electricity or cook or a host of other
creative activities, many of which may
be surprising to you, on Shabbat. They
have dinner that also involves singing
(not kumbaya), “washing” (not with soap),
“benching” (that doesn’t involve a bench)
and some other quasi-freaky stuff. To
be sure, the dinner is usually delicious,
the atmosphere divine (assuming the
kids don’t fight too much and the guests
don’t radically disagree about politics and
you haven’t mistakenly seated a doctor
and attorney directly across the table
from one another), the guests and hosts
well-meaning, etc. Nevertheless some
clarity is in order, as expectations and
assumptions on either side may well be….
insanely divergent.
Here are 10 things I’d like MY Shabbos
guests to know:
(As an aside: I use the terms Shabbat and
Shabbos interchangeably; both refer to
the Jewish Sabbath as it is observed according
to Jewish law from sundown on
Friday or even a bit earlier, to nightfall on
Saturday night.)
1. I know you may have driven to my home. It’s a little
awkward, because I don’t drive on Shabbos, and you
do. The question of whether a Shabbat-observant Jew
is allowed to invite a fellow Jew over on Shabbat, when
it’s obvious that he will drive, is actually the subject of
intense halachic debate. On the one hand, better to drive
to celebrate Shabbat than to drive to the mall – no? On
the other hand, may I be the instrument of the drive? So
“don’t ask, don’t tell” is the way we deal with it. Because
even if I follow the opinion that I can invite you despite
the drive, it’s much better if I don’t have to give explicit
permission. Which is why I try to avoid the topic!
2. I really appreciate the fact that you didn’t park in
my driveway. When you parked around the block and
walked, you may have felt like an imposter but I viewed it
as a respectful act of not wishing to disturb the Shabbat
atmosphere that exists in the neighborhood. Thank you!
And if you really did walk all the way – double thank you!
You’ve honored your hosts and Shabbat, all in one.
3. So the flowers you brought to dinner, and I kinda left
them hanging out on the counter? You’re so sweet to
bring them… but I can’t put flowers into water on Shabbos.
It’s part of the creative process of growing plants.
I felt uncomfortable, but didn’t want to make you feel
worse about not knowing, so I just decided to hope you
didn’t notice. (More suggestions here for what guests can
bring.)
4. It’s really OK with me that your kids are coloring and
playing piano, activities that are not allowed on Shabbat.
I know you don’t observe Shabbos the way I do. They’re
only kids. My kids do that too, and I overlook it because
they’re only kids, even though mine ARE brought up with
Shabbos. Don’t worry.
5. Yes, you’re allowed to flush the toilet on Shabbos.
6. I’m a little hesitant to ask you if you’d like help with
lighting candles or “washing” hands before challah. See,
if these customs are familiar to you, I don’t want it to
seem like I think you’re ignorant. But if they’re not, I don’t
want to be a bad host and not offer you info and help. It’s
hard for me to know how to strike the balance. I’m not
clairvoyant, so I don’t know how much you know. I hope
you’ll be OK with my mistakes.
7. If anything seems unusual, please ask! It’s not rude or
disrespectful and it makes me so happy that you are asking
so the lines of communication can be open. I don’t
want my life to be inscrutable to you. Please feel free to
ask. Really.
8. It’s great when you involve my kids in the conversation.
See, I’m trying to strike the balance between paying attention
to them and paying attention to you, so if you pay
attention to them, it’s win-win-win.
9. It’s so sweet when you offer to bring something. I
know you don’t keep kosher so please don’t feel bad if
I just ask you to bring flowers or dessert from a kosher
bakery. You might want to check with me which bakery is
kosher because “Farbstein’s Kosher Rugeleh Shop” may
not, in fact, be kosher. Also, many people serve meat or
chicken at Shabbos dinner and therefore would not serve
dairy at dessert, even if it’s not together. Just good to
know.
10. What we really want is for you to have a nice time.
Relax, don’t worry so much about the rules, and just try to
have fun. We know you may not be familiar with the customs
and that’s OK! We like you and that’s what matters.
11. I know I said ten but I couldn’t resist. If you’ve spent
time avoiding my invitation, deleting my email, ignoring
my voicemail, and pretending you didn’t check Facebook,
please know that if you do, indeed, accept my invitation,
you may actually have a very nice time.