Frank Magazine Issue 583.pdf - Besthostingplanever.com

ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK
HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA
ISSUE 583
APRIL 27, 2010
Last week I fell down a rabbit-hole.
Immediately I was taken in by characters
who grew curiouser & curiouser by the
day. Some were orange, some were blue,
some were red, but they were all in such
terrible, terrible disarray.
Charlie The Dodo stuffed boats into
bottles. Stephen The Mock Leader, he
played croquet with The Stripped Tiger
Knave Of Hearts.
And, Glennie The Dutchess, she
patiently teed up all the croquet balls,
while Darrell The Sleepy Dormouse took
some fine digital pictures of it all.
Nobody could find The Worm. Trevor
The Hedge-Hog flipped over the cushions
desperately seeking some loose change. I
was terrorized. It appeared to me all these
characters were just a tad too, too deranged.
“Yes, we’re all completely mad, here!
That most certainly is the case,” cried
Graham The Fibber Footman. “Now,
everybody come watch me, please, as I
bend this spoonful of truth up upon my
crooked face.”
“Six o’clock! Time to eat!” gnarled
Darrell The Sleepy Dormouse. “But, alas,
we’re all out of Leadership Soup!”
“So, we’ll eat some ordinary families,”
he bellowed. “Why, they’re so darn
unmercifully easily duped!”
Fortunately, I then stirred enough to
ponder the potential dangers of Lysergic
Acid Diethylaminde when this thing passed
right before my eyes - “Welcome To Nova
Scotia” read the big blue, block letter road
sign.
— Lewis Lewis Lewis Frankland Frankland Frankland Carroll
Carroll
Atlantic Canada Frank is a magazine of news,
satire, opinion, comment and humour published
every two weeks by Coltsfoot Publishing Co. Ltd.
Copyright Coltsfoot Publishing Ltd. Mailing address:
Frank Magazine, P.O. Box 295, Halifax,
B3J 2N7. Subscriptions: see back page. Publications
Mail Agreement No. 40050490. Phone:
420-1668. Fax: 423-0281. E-mail:
atlanticfrank@eastlink.ca. Toll-free Tips Hotline:
1-888-335-5505. Letters, see Pages 30, 31.
CLEANING UP THE WALL OF SHAME
BY A. FRANK GRUNT
MAN ABOUT TOWN DENIS RYAN IS BACK
IN TOWN AFTER A QUICK JAUNT TO IRE-
LAND TO TAKE CARE OF SOME
FAMILY BUSINESS.
The former face of Ryan’s
Fancy turned man about investments
tells me he has done some
re-decorating at his downtown
Halifax office.
Stripped off the wall, says Denis,
is the rather large, expensively
framed photograph of himself
shoulder-to-shoulder with one, Mr.
Tiger Woods.
The photograph was taken last
June when ol’ Pecker Pants (alleged
N.S. Opposition Leader
Stephen McNeil’s new best
friend) was in the province to play a round of
charity golf with Ron Joyce at his exclusive
Fox Harb’r golf resort near Wallace.
In fact, I was sitting with Denis the day the
framed photograph arrived at his office.
Recent events, however, have required
Denis to find a less prominent place for the
about 16-inch by 20-inch picture.
“The stupid foooker,” Denis lamented when
I spoke with him on the corner of Duke &
Hollis.
Back into the Tickle Trunk went
Tiger.
Interestingly enough, when
Woods arrived at Fox Harb’r much
of the regular staff at Joyce’s pristine
playground were told to take
a few days off, as Mr. Woods preferred
to surround himself with his
own people, for security reasons,
of course.
PS: I also want to note that the
esteemed Mr. Ryan is as outraged
as I am that CBC-TV no longer
broadcasts the East Coast Mu-
sic Awards.
Denis Ryan
Fortunately, he did not put himself
through the remarkably amateurish Bell
Aliant webcast of the big event held at Sydney’s
Centre 200 last month. He did say, however,
that if you fail to showcase your culture
in the best possible forum, then it will slowly
begin to erode.
Hear, hear!
CHOWING DOWN WITH FOR MAYOR PETER
MAYOR PETER KELLY TELLS ME HIS $100 A PLATE POLITICAL FUNDRAISER ON APRIL 7 AT
DAL’S STUDENT UNION BUILDING WAS A SMASHING SUCCESS.
Peter says his organizers were hoping for a turnout of 200; exactly 273 civic-minded
folks attended. The guest speaker was the Federation of Canadian Municipalities prezzie
Basil Stewart, Mayor For Life of Summerside, P.E.I., and the local glitterai included
supreme arsekisser Andrew Krystal, and convention centre developer, Joe Ramia.
TOO MUCH
INFORMATION
I. NOCALLBACH
this January 29 gem from Transportation
IF GRAHAM STEELE WANTS TO REDUCE
THE COST OF GOVERNMENT, HE NEED LOOK
NO FURTHER THAN THE BLOATED RANKS OF
MY DEAR FRIENDS AT COMMUNICATIONS
Infrastructure Renewal: “Reminder to use
headlights.”
Whereas the department employed 105 in
2006 (opposed to only 57 in 2000, see Frank
505 for the rundown), now 138 spindoctors
NOVA SCOTIA.
are living large, thanks to Communications
The annual CNS payroll has swelled from
$3 million a decade ago to over $10 million
today. I’m no Mensa candidate, but methinks
that’s a hefty $7 million increase, of dubious
value to taxpayers.
Just think, that $7 million could have subsidized
the Cat Ferry for one more year. Instead
we get a barrage of press releases like
Nova Scotia largesse.
Naturally, such a stellar roster of talent comes
at a heavy price. In 2000, the highest CNS
earner, then-chief mouthpiece mandarin Jim
Vibert, drew exactly $70,726. Jim’s salary,
which used to be the ceiling, is now exceeded
by 30 CNS professional communicators.
Excuse me while I heave my lunch.
APRIL 27, 2010 ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK 3