Frank Magazine Issue 583.pdf - Besthostingplanever.com

MYRA FOUGHT THE LAW & THE LAW WON...
FAR BE IT FOR ME TO GO SOUNDING ALARM BELLS,
BUT I FEAR THAT WHILOM LT.-GOVERNOR MYRA
FREEMAN MAY BE IN THE THROES OF SOME SORT
OF DOWNWARD SPIRAL.
She’s just not herself these days, ya know?
Remember how a few weeks back I witnessed her recklessly
abandoning her shopping cart in the grocery-store
instead of returning it safely to the buggy corral like a
responsible adult (Frank 582)? I’m still reeling ...
So you can imagine the shock and horror I experienced
April 8 as I watched her proceed through the oftdiscussed
metal detector near the entry way of the
Spring Garden Road Courthouse.
As is customary, a sheriff took a peak inside her trendylooking
purse. When asked about its contents, she quite
congenially employed the tried and true “kitchen sink”
adage.
“Is this lipstick loaded?” the Sheriff mused.
“No,” she replied, appearing somewhat taken aback
by the question.
I cringed as 60-year-old Myra, decked out in a mallard-green
two-piece suit, made her way past a cluster of
tough-looking dames to the newly — hideously —
My hair colour
and skin tone don’t
exist anywhere else
in nature. Heehee!
recarpeted reception area where
tickets are routinely paid.
Turns out Myra had v. recently
been pulled over by The Fuzz
in Dartmouth (near Woodlawn
and Victoria Road) for using a
cellphone while behind the
wheel of hubby Larry’s Jeep
Grand Cherokee.
Standing just a few feet
away from the wicket, I overheard
Myra explain to the
court clerk that the call in
question was rather important, as Form L-G Myra (right)
it involved a health-related up- & former Chief Justice Connie Glube.
date of someone near and dear.
Then, she reached into her
trendy handbag — one of those ones you carry like an
’80s-era lunch kit — to retrieve the funds necessary to
pay the $167.71 fine.
Given her previously noted affinity for visiting the Winners
discount shop (Frank 439) and her subsequent
attempt to offload her domestic cast-offs at the Urban
Cottage consignment shop (Frank 505), I think it goes
without saying that having to pay for such a pricey telephone
call would stick in poor Myra’s v. frugal craw.
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Faces Magazine Fav Shopaholic,
Melissa Edwards.
FACE IT, YOU’RE
BARELY HALIFAMOUS
CHATTER
BY BUBBLES
FRANKLANDER
WHILE I WASN’T ABLE TO TRACK DOWN FECES
FACES MAGAZINE PUBLISHER JOSHUA TURK
like when they follow the rules.
But enough about all of that nonsense. On with
BEFORE I WENT TO PRESS, I AM DISTURBED BY the awards!
TALK THAT PROMOTERS FOR THE RECENT FECES
FACES AWARDS SHINDIG AT THE TOOTHY MOOSE
HOPELESSLY OVERSOLD THE EVENT, LEAVING
MANY TICKET-HOLDING SCENESTERS STANDING IN
Fav Shopaholic went to Melissa Edwards,
Fav Barstar was Mac Shaker, Fav Stud was
Sam Saade, Fav Radio Personality was Special
Ed, Fav Promo Girl was Loran Morrison
... hold on. Who are these people, you ask? I’ll
A LINE-UP FOR MOST OF THE NIGHT.
tell you.
Halifax Coun. Dawn “Downtown” Sloane,
who took home the Fav Councillor Award,
complains that while award nominees were allowed
to skip the queue, regular ticketholders
— like her date, for example — had to wait in
line. Unwilling to abandon her man, Dawn and
the unidentified gent went next door to Durty
Nelly’s and spent much of the evening there.
It’s certainly understandable if Toothy Moose
management was being extra vigilant about
crowd control, considering the public dressing
down the bar received from the N.S. Utility and
Review Board last month, but that doesn’t excuse
the rumoured sale of up to 500 tickets for
a venue that can only legally hold 200.
With a few exceptions, the Faces crew and
its Favs (when did the “e” get dropped from
Fave? — ed.) seem to be the sort of faketanned,
teeth-whitened, Ed Hardy-wearing,
over-compensating, low-self-esteem-masking,
intellectual knuckle-draggers who value preening,
partying and popularity over all else.
In fact, I would submit that many of the same
people who bought tickets for the Faces
Awards will also be flocking to the so-called
White Party at the Pacifico next month, shelling
out $85/head for an opportunity to meet a
reality show star whose claim to fame is pointing
at his abs and referring to himself in the
third person.
A source who spent the night inside the caba- Faces Magazine and its followers are characret,
owned by the Bubbles consortium, says ters from the Jersey Shore come to life. They
the place seemed empty compared to previous walk and talk and party, but they can’t do all three
nights. Guess that’s what it’s supposed to look at once. And they’re slowly taking over.
APRIL 27, 2010 ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK 9