V19 N19

Page 20 EXIT ZERO June 17, 2021
I’ve always been a Venti man, if
you know what I mean… (Also,
keep an eye out for my travel guide
book; The Restrooms of Cape May I
Use on My Delivery Route.)
Thank you, WCFA-LP 101.5,
for the Del Amitri. I forgot all
about “I’m Not Where It’s At” until
you played it for me. A perfect
song. And also for ‘Laura,’ my
absolute favorite Billy Joel deep
cut. When my tribute band would
play it, I always wondered, “How
many bands in the world are playing
‘Laura’ tonight?” One. It was
probably one band.
I really hope everyone involved
in that semi-serious looking car
accident in Villas on Thursday
morning is all right, because the
detour added 30 minutes to my
route. Why don’t people put more
thought into how their decisions
affect me?
I see you, Shoppe delivery guy,
I see you. (We had a real Clint
Eastwood stare-down outside Red
Brick Ale House. He said, “I think
it’s gonna rain.” I said, “Nah.” Then
there was whistling and ponchos
and stuff…)
Nineteen years and nine
months. It’s been that long since
I’ve used the bathroom without
someone knocking on the door.
Employee of the Week:
Makayla Huber has been working
about a million hours a week at
EZFS and always seems to be in
at least a decent mood. I’m still
mad at the string of decisions
that denied her the chance to play
Roxie Hart in Chicago her senior
year, but she seems to have come
to terms with it. Also, if you have a
second, send a good thought up for
her step-dad, Rob. He’s fighting
the good fight, but could always
use more people in his corner.
After years of inheriting
couches from friends who were
getting rid of their couches, and
said couches being tossed after
a year or so reeking of cat urine
and stale chocolate milk, I finally
bought us a bona fide new couch
that cost real money, now that I’m
reasonably sure my kids won’t
spill chocolate milk on it and that
cat is dead. It’s a Lane sectional
with ottoman that covers about
80% of the floor space in our living
room and it’s glorious. Pro Tip: If
you order a $1000 couch from Big
Lots online, they don’t take the
money out until the order fully
processes, in this case about three
weeks, which caused a bit of consternation
waking up to see my
bank account at -$800. But don’t
worry, it’s back up to -$100 now.
Working Actor of the Week,
Non-Famous Division: I booked
and shot another industrial film
last week, my fourth in the last
year and third in the last few
months. I wish I could say it was
because of my rugged good looks
and sunny disposition, but it’s
most likely because these giant
chunks of complicated word salad
show off my greatest talent; memorizing
lines real fast. I’m basically
the Maggie Gyllenhall and Peter
Saarsgard of regional mid-size
pharmaceutical industrial films.
Sex is great and all, but have
you ever found a YouTube video
you love but isn’t so popular they
stick a half-dozen ads before it?
That’s good, too. (Your mileage
may vary, but for me it’s “Already
There” by Joan Armatrading.)
I was going to watch Space Jam
2 when it premieres on HBO later
this summer, but I hear LeBron
James walks out with six minutes
left.
Unintentionally Hilarious and
Obscene Hand Gestures of the
Week: Frank Winters, husband
of Gloria, friend of Carl and Sue
Spatocco, themselves proprietors
of Cape May Peanut Butter Co.,
home of the best peanut butter
you’ll ever have, and… wait, where
was I? Oh yeah, Frank barked that
he didn’t like my new stick shaker
and preferred the eggs, then
demonstrated how to play them,
resulting in said hilarity. Maybe
you had to be there, but it was
pretty funny.
’Til next week, don’t get
caught in The Undertow.