Beaconsfield Together January February 2023

LEGAL ADVICE
Eyes Up & Forward
How to cope with divorce and separation
The breakdown of a relationship and the separation that follows,
married or not, children or not, is one of the worst times in anyone’s
life – and having to deal with solicitors and the legal process of
untangling your relationship can, if you are not careful, become a
corrosive process.
Having been a divorce lawyer for 27 years, I have seen both
men and women struggle with moving forward – no matter how
amicable and constructive both parties might be. The situation
becomes even harder when one party is making it difficult or
trying to solve old hurts through the separation/divorce/financial
distribution process.
One of the problems I see so often is where clients become
entrenched in a “pain cycle”. The more they “revisit” a negative
aspect of the process, the more deeply they drill into that
negativity, uncovering further layers and spiralling downwards –
sadly very easy to do when you are hurt and your emotions are
already heightened.
The legal process will conclude with the outcome always in the
same range of possibilities, whether you are intensely negative
or intensely positive. How you think about the process and your
former partner, and how you feel at the end of the process, is very
much a matter of perception and your understanding.
However, there are some “tricks of the trade” that can help you
navigate difficulties and come to a resolution that suits you - here
are some ‘top tips’ that have helped my clients:
to be in 3 or 5 years’ time and focus on it – keep your “eyes up”,
looking forward.
Imagine yourself having moved on, in a home you love, spending
time with your children and loved ones, financially secure and able
to be cordial with your ex. This last point is particularly important if
you are going to need to co-parent.
Keep busy - unfortunately, individuals can quickly fall into a pain
cycle if there are no external diversions. For some parties, on
relationship breakdown there is a sudden void. What used to be
time with your partner is now free time. So think about other things
to do – start a new hobby or sport, get back into a pastime you
used to enjoy but have set aside; you can re-establish who you are
now that you have separated.
Avoid emotional vampires - people who feed on negative
processes. They may seem to provide help and support but
actually they are just ‘feeding’ off your situation, very often making
it worse, not better – focusing on negatives and accelerating
hostilities between you and your ex. Take a step back and listen –
is their advice helping, or hindering and conflicting with your
lawyer’s advice.
Seek professional help. The end of a relationship causes
significant changes. Speaking to a properly trained counsellor,
psychotherapist or psychologist is often of real assistance, helping
you understand your situation a little better and less negatively.
People who go through this process invariably have a “nicer”
divorce - they have a better perspective about what is happening
around them.
Constructively applied, these tips could help you get
through a difficult time and come out the other side
exactly where you want to be.
Rayden Solicitors, Julian Bremner, Partner and
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