Island Parent Pre-Summer 2023

Speaking of—& About!—Sex
Elvis’s gyrating hips. Madonna’s cross-adorned bodice. Nikki’s ode to the
anaconda. Decades apart yet these media moguls all share the same
thing: a real-time illustration that oversimplifies and objectifies the complexities
of sexuality. Who receives the bulk of this exposure? Our youth.
Day in and day out, they’re bombarded with images and messages that
often depict sexuality as a simple act or performance. Exposure to these
messages happens at the same time their natural awareness of and curiosities
about sexuality also begin to occupy more of their time. For years, I
have watched as the media has taken up more and more space in shaping
the sexuality of our youth. Many of the questions I hear in workshops and
through our youth texting line can be traced back to the influence of the
media on sexuality. Questions and concerns about the size, appearance,
and function of genitals and whether everyone else is actually “#netflixandchilling.”
These concerns are often prefaced by, “I read on this website…a movie
I was watching or my friend saw….” The motivation for these questions is
rooted in the media and the messages that more often than not simplify
and portray sexuality through a narrow lens. Whether it’s popular media,
social media or restricted content media intended for adults, aka pornography,
we’re receiving information that has the potential to diminish
and limit positive definitions and understandings of and experiences with
sexuality, if we let it.
As adults, the messages we receive may cause us to laugh, shake our
head in disapproval, flush with embarrassment and sometimes, yes, even
be turned on. The key difference between us as adults and our youth is
that most adults have developed maturity and the skills to understand,
accept, challenge or as the youth often say “un-see” these messages.
I believe that our youth hold the same capacity, but they haven’t had
the life experience yet to fully realize this. This is where our role as the
supportive adults around them cannot be underestimated. Without a
guide on the side of these messages, there is potential for the media to
become a trusted and reliable source of (mis)information and education
for youth. This is especially true for youth who lack strong connections to
family, trusted adults and community resources.
So how do we work with youth to challenge these messages and help
them realize the potentially joyous experience of the puzzle we know as
sexuality? My experience as a sexual health educator tells me the answer
lies in conversations focused on what they are not seeing in the media.
They know all too well what’s not being left to the imagination! These
conversations will help empower them to practice critical thinking as they
begin to sort and place all of the developing pieces of their own sexuality
puzzle. The four major puzzle pieces most commonly absent in the media:
communication, consent, comfort and care.
Communication. Our biggest skill when it comes to exploring, understanding
and sharing our sexuality is communication. Yet when sexuality is
portrayed, there is often little to no communication between friends, partners
or families unless it’s in the context of ridicule or humour. The very
act of speaking with and listening to our youth about big life topics is role
modelling engaged and active communication. Sexuality and the decision
to share your sexuality with a partner require strong, assertive and intentional
communication. An opportunity to practice communication not only
helps youth to communicate in the relationships they may choose to have
but also for their sexual health care.
Consent. An essential factor in healthy sexuality and sharing those
experiences with a partner is consent. One of the articulate youth I work
with recently defined consent as a “positive and free agreement to share
yourself and experience physically and emotionally in a sexual way with
another person.” Active and enthusiastic consent is sadly rarely ever
shown between sexual partners in current media—it is implied and assumed
through gestures, disrobing and action. Now more than ever, we
must chat realistically with our youth about when consent is legal and how
to give and receive consent in a natural and comfortable way with respect.
It is too important to assume that we all have the same understanding of
consent. Consent is not implication and assumption; it’s a positive and
free agreement that will only work to support our positive experiences if
we understand and utilize it.
Comfort. Very few things will require a more personal level of mental,
intellectual, emotional and physical comfort with oneself throughout
our lives. Youth in my workshops tell me that a major reason why young
people choose to delay sex (according to the McCreary Centre Society, the
majority in BC are delaying!) is because they aren’t comfortable enough.
When I ask them to explain what being comfortable means, they candidly
speak of ideal body image, competing family and societal values,
narrowly defined orientation and identity and privacy concerns. The images
we see in media rarely represent, validate or celebrate the natural
physical, emotional and cultural diversity that is us. Understanding the role
of comfort in sexuality is a great opportunity to remind youth of their es-
34 Island Parent Magazine IslandParent.ca