Island Parent Pre-Summer 2023

Let Them Talk
It’s hard to negotiate with a teen when they don’t even like the
sound of your voice. Even your breathing can be annoying so
how on earth are you going to get to the brainstorming phase
of resolving an issue?
When my daughter was 15 she announced to me that she
wanted to go to a party where there were drugs and alcohol
and no adults. Gulp. At this point, after years of parenting her, I
knew that this persistent young women wouldn’t go along with
anything that 1) threatened her autonomy and 2) was about my
fear and needs. Actually, she was completely allergic to my
needs and thought I was a paranoid freak.
Thanks to having just taught a conflict resolution workshop
the night before I blurted out, “What about this is important to
you?” Meanwhile my heart was pounding and I felt like saying,
“Are you nuts? What makes you think I’d say yes to anything
like this?”
She told me about all the cool people that would be there
and that she was excited to be invited. I knew I had to listen to
her and do my best to hold up her needs because this really
was important to her.
Any time we discuss a prickly issue with our kids, we have to
connect with their feelings and needs first. For one thing, it role
models respectful communication and it also takes them out of
feeling defensive.
If they know you at least understand how they feel and why
they feel that way, they might be interested in seeing the discussion
through to the end. That doesn’t mean that they stand
and listen to you pontificate, lecture or moralize! It means that
you briefly explain what your needs might be and how you
feel.
I told my daughter that I was concerned about the situation
and how it could get out of control. I let her know that her safety
and well-being were important to me. Naturally, she rolled
her eyes but that I could ignore. She most likely wanted to hear
some form of protest or concern from me because she knew
that her annoying mother cares for her.
We stood there staring at each other. I couldn’t think clearly
because it just seemed like this wasn’t going to end well until
out of my mouth popped parenting guru Barbara Coloroso’s
great line, “Convince me.”
36 Island Parent Magazine IslandParent.ca