The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck

few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right. And holy
crap she makes me a better person, even though I hate hearing it at the time.
When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to
always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good. And
our relationship falls apart without our even knowing it.
Without conflict, there can be no trust. Conflict exists to show us who is
there for us unconditionally and who is just there for the benefits. No one
trusts a yes-man. If Disappointment Panda were here, he’d tell you that the
pain in our relationship is necessary to cement our trust in each other and
produce greater intimacy.
For a relationship to be healthy, both people must be willing and able to
both say no and hear no. Without that negation, without that occasional
rejection, boundaries break down and one person’s problems and values
come to dominate the other’s. Conflict is not only normal, then; it’s
absolutely necessary for the maintenance of a healthy relationship. If two
people who are close are not able to hash out their differences openly and
vocally, then the relationship is based on manipulation and misrepresentation,
and it will slowly become toxic.
Trust is the most important ingredient in any relationship, for the simple
reason that without trust, the relationship doesn’t actually mean anything. A
person could tell you that she loves you, wants to be with you, would give up
everything for you, but if you don’t trust her, you get no benefit from those
statements. You don’t feel loved until you trust that the love being expressed
toward you comes without any special conditions or baggage attached to it.
This is what’s so destructive about cheating. It’s not about the sex. It’s
about the trust that has been destroyed as a result of the sex. Without trust,
the relationship can no longer function. So it’s either rebuild the trust or say
your goodbyes.
I often get emails from people who have been cheated on by their
significant other but want to stay with that partner and are wondering how
they can trust him or her again. Without trust, they tell me, the relationship
has begun to feel like a burden, like a threat that must be monitored and
questioned rather than enjoyed.
The problem here is that most people who get caught cheating apologize
and give the “It will never happen again” spiel and that’s that, as if penises
fell into various orifices completely by accident. Many cheatees accept this