The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck

HER. What’s wrong?
ME. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing at all.
HER. No, something’s wrong. Tell me.
ME. I’m fine. Really.
HER. Are you sure? You look upset.
ME, with nervous laughter. Really? No, I’m okay, seriously.
[Thirty minutes later . . . ]
ME. . . . And that’s why I’m so fucking pissed off! He just acts as if I
don’t exist half the time.
We all have emotional blind spots. Often they have to do with the
emotions that we were taught were inappropriate growing up. It takes years
of practice and effort to get good at identifying blind spots in ourselves and
then expressing the affected emotions appropriately. But this task is hugely
important, and worth the effort.
The second layer of the self-awareness onion is an ability to ask why we
feel certain emotions.
These why questions are difficult and often take months or even years to
answer consistently and accurately. Most people need to go to some sort of
therapist just to hear these questions asked for the first time. Such questions
are important because they illuminate what we consider success or failure.
Why do you feel angry? Is it because you failed to achieve some goal? Why
do you feel lethargic and uninspired? Is it because you don’t think you’re
good enough?
This layer of questioning helps us understand the root cause of the
emotions that overwhelm us. Once we understand that root cause, we can
ideally do something to change it.
But there’s another, even deeper level of the self-awareness onion. And
that one is full of fucking tears. The third level is our personal values: Why do
I consider this to be success/failure? How am I choosing to measure myself?
By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me?
This level, which takes constant questioning and effort, is incredibly
difficult to reach. But it’s the most important, because our values determine
the nature of our problems, and the nature of our problems determines the