Frank Magazine Issue 600.pdf - Besthostingplanever.com

JUST NOT SO STORIES
(YES, WE MAKE THEM UP)
FRANKILEAKS
Up until now, the reams of diplomatic cables released by Wikileaks have been
a little on the dry side.
Let’s face it, hearing that China once launched a cyber-attack on Google, or
seeing evidence that CSIS thinks Canada has an “Alice in Wonderland” attitude
on terrorism can’t be selling many newspapers. But this latest round of
intelligence, emanating from U.S. embassies around the world, changes everything.
FM AMEMBASSY OTTAWA
TO SECSTATE WASH DC IMMEDIATE
THURSDAY, 19 MAY 2005, 09:57
Subject: Future cabinet minister exhibits strange behaviour on farm
C O N F I D E N T I A L
You have to get a load of this Peter MacKay fellow.
If the Conservatives win the next election — which is becoming
more likely every day as the scandal-plagued Liberals continue to
flounder — this guy will be one of the most powerful figures in Stephen
Harper’s federal cabinet. Which is why the following episode is so
fascinating.
So Peter has a reputation as a bit of a player, and his relationship
with fellow opposition MP (like a congressman with less power) Belinda
Stronach, the daughter of auto parts tycoon Frank Stronach, has made
headlines up here. But then Belinda “crossed the floor” and joined the
Liberals in exchange for a cabinet post the other day, and they broke
up. What does Peter do? He calls a press conference at his dad’s
potato farm in Nova Scotia, and declares, in a mournful whisper, that
his heart has been “banged up” by the experience. This is a guy who
could be deputy prime minister (like vice-president, except with less
power) or defence minister in a few months. What the hell kind of
country is this? Can you picture Don Rumsfeld wearing rubber boots
on a farm, complaining about his broken heart? Does Rummy even
have a heart? Remind me to ask him next time I’m in Washington.
FM AMEMBASSY OTTAWA
TO SECSTATE WASH DC IMMEDIATE
WEDNESDAY, 25 JANUARY 2006, 08:59
Subject: Creepy new guy
C O N F I D E N T I A L
Finally, a right-wing government has risen to power in Canada.
Newly crowned Prime Minister Stephen Harper is on record three
years ago as saying Canada would be fighting right next to us in Iraq
had he been PM at the time. How great would that have been to rope
Canada into the coalition of the willing? I mean, sure, the Canadians
don’t have the military might of, say, Azerbaijan, but hey, ya gotta take
what you can get, am I right?
But there’s something a bit off about him. He shakes hands with his
son when he drops him off at school, for one. When he smiles it looks
a little wonky, like he’s an alien in a human body who knows how to
smile, but doesn’t grasp the concept of why one would want to. And
there’s something unsettling about his eyes. He’s got the peepers of a
Great White. There’s just nothing there but darkness. Dubya’s gonna
be a little freaked out, I think. We should tell prez not to look straight at
him, pretend there’s an eclipse in PM Steve’s face. Not allowed to look,
Dubya! Ya might burn your retinas! Dubya likes games like that, he’ll
think that’s fun.
26 ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK DECEMBER 21, 2010
FM AMEMBASSY OTTAWA
TO SECSTATE WASH DC IMMEDIATE
WEDNESDAY, 13 SEPTEMBER 2006, 12:10
Subject: Nice work, Madame Secretary
C O N F I D E N T I A L
The media ate it up, Madame Secretary. Hook, line and sinker.
Today’s sound bites were perfect. So laid back, saying you had a
“good laugh” over speculation that you and the Foreign Affairs
minister are enjoying, er, especially close diplomatic relations, shall
we say.
But I tell you, Condi, all that stuff about enjoying the “ocean
breezes” and everything yesterday, well, you just about spilled the
beans there. You sounded like, well Condi, I’ll just say it. You sounded
like a chick who just got laid. Anyway, nice save.
And we’ve stocked your ride home with extra Ofloxacin, Cefixine,
and Ceftriaxine. I’d advise you take it all.
FM AMEMBASSY KUALA LUMPUR
TO SECSTATE WASH DC IMMEDIATE
FRIDAY, 21 JULY 2006, 15:01
Subject: Pretend rich guy in town.
C O N F I D E N T I A L
So there’s a dude here, big guy with glasses,
staying at the nicest hotel in town, eating at all
the best restaurants, looks like he’s made of
money. He’s going around telling everyone that
he’s bringing some big athletic event to Halifax,
wherever that is. It’s a world class city, or so he says.
Anyway, people ask him, “Oh, you mean the Olympics?” and he gets
mad and corrects them, but I can’t remember what he says. Commonsomething
or other. Never heard of it, anyway. Oh, and it turns out he’s
not really rich after all, he’s just spending government money. I mean,
I guess he’s sorta rich. Somebody told me something about a pretty
sweet supplementary pension.
Nice work if you can get it, eh?