I'm not your - Critic

sPorts
Rowing is not a sport. Neither is cycling. In fact, most of the
events at the 2012 Olympics are not sports. And most of the ones
that are sports don’t belong at the Olympics.
Sometimes the dictionary definition of a word just doesn’t cut it.
According to the ivory-tower intellectuals who wrote the Oxford Dictionary,
tomatoes are a fruit. Tell me, geniuses, when’s the last time you saw
01
Closed skills are not sports
The first hurdle for qualification as a
sport (NB: hurdling is not a sport) is that it must
involve open skills. An open skill is performed
in a constantly changing environment, where
the competitor must react to things happening
around him/her. One example is cricket, in
which the batsman must react to the speed and
direction of each ball as it is bowled, while the
bowler must constantly adjust his strategy to
avoid becoming predictable. Another example
is boxing – each fighter must dodge or attack
as the situation demands. Most team sports, as
well as all martial arts, are based on open skills.
Closed skills are performed in a stable environment,
where there is no need for any adaptation
to circumstances that crop up during the event.
For example, 100m sprinters simply sprint as
fast as they can. They can’t leave their own lane,
and they can’t interact with their opponents in
any way. The same applies to rowing. Closed
skills such as sprinting and rowing lack the
dynamic and strategic elements that are a key
part of any genuine “sport”.
This article is not intended as a criticism of
closed skills, many of which are challenging
and impressive athletic endeavours. But they’re
12
What iS
yoUR oBscURe HoBBy Is not A sPoRt
not sports. Some genuine sports require the
occasional performance of closed skills, such
as penalty kicks in football and free throws in
basketball. But on the whole, players in these
sports are moving around and choosing which
actions to take in a dynamic environment.
The Olympic Games should represent the
pinnacle of human physical achievement in
certain athletic pursuits. It is not the right place
for sport. The Ancient Greek Olympics had the
right idea, being packed with closed skills like
javelin-throwing, discus, and long jump. The
modern Olympics include other worthwhile
closed skills such as cycling, triathlon, and
gymnastics. A few sports have snuck in since
the modern revival of the Olympics in 1896 (such
as tennis and volleyball), but like a homo erectus
at a bronze tool-making class, they clearly don’t
belong. The only exceptions are combat sports
like boxing and judo, which fit with the spirit of
the ancient Olympics.
02
By callum FreDric
Sports can’t be played in skinny jeans
Real sports involve at least a small
amount of physical exertion, so they can’t be
played to the best of one’s ability while wearing
skinny jeans or a miniskirt. Sporty Spice
wouldn’t have worn those Adidas sweatpants
sports editor | gus gawn | gus.gawn@critic.co.nz
one in a fruit salad? The word “sport” is even more vexing – every man
and his Tux Wonder-dog claims that his own obscure, one-dimensional
hobby counts as a “sport” because of the legitimacy the term provides.
Shamefully, the dictionaries of the world are complicit in enabling such
misrepresentations. It’s time to return the term “sport” to its original,
narrow meaning. Here’s how to separate the real sports from the wannabes:
if she was just going to play snooker or Texas
Hold’em. She needed the flexibility and durability
they provided while playing sport. The bar
is not set very high for this requirement – even
golf qualifies under the skinny jeans test, despite
being suitable for overweight septuagenarians.
But the test does rule out purely mental pursuits
such as chess and debating. And don’t even try
to call video games “E-sports”. That’s like calling
sociology a science.
03
Sports don’t have cars, horses or boats
If you’re sitting in a car, riding on a
horse, or sailing in a boat, it’s not a sport. Being
responsible for moving around solely through
the use of one’s arms and legs is a crucial element
of sport. As soon as you add machines or
horses into the equation, you’re dealing with
something completely different. Like the name
of Dunedin restaurant “Great Taste”, the word
“motorsport” is severely misleading.
After applying these three rules, there are only
14 sports being played at London 2012. And most
of them don’t belong in the Olympics. Finally,
always remember the golden rule: if you have
to ask whether something is a sport, the answer
is probably no.