Issue 20 | August 13,2012 | critic.co.nz

vAcuosity
26
M O S T
The front page of this week’s Sunday Star Times offered a fetching full-page graphic of our victorious
Olympic gold medallists, punctuated by the witty headline “IT’S RAINING MEDALS!” Our Olympic
success naturally deserves recognition, but I can’t help but worry that this wanton, vulgar celebration
of sporting achievement is detracting attention from New Zealand’s more legitimate source of national
pride: our celebrities.
Aotearoa’s true heroes would never be found grinning charmlessly from the front page in sluttily form-fitting
Lycra, shoving their tacky gold bling down the throat of the reader in the manner of a Russian oligarch. No, our
real reservoir of raw talent lies in the About Town social pages. These radio presenters, reality show participants,
models, actors, and product endorsers are the gods and goddesses upon whom we should be heaping our praise,
respect and admiration. After all, Coxless pair Bond and Murray claimed their Olympic gold in only 6m 16s of trite
repetitive arm motions. Should we not instead be celebrating the hardworking men and women who strategically
tweet, eat, root and generally poledance for the public 365 days of the year? There’s nothing coxless about the
noble New Zealand famewhore, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing coxless at all.
To avoid the travesty of you bright young university students continuing to live your lives without the daily
inspiration that is the travails of our little nation’s best and brightest, I offer you my favourite celebrity life-enrichers.
Think of these luminaries as Special K for the soul. I urge you to try the Special Famewhore 30-Day
Challenge — healthy eating, exercise, and a bowl of self-indulgent celeb tweets every morning and quality
programming every night. You’ll emerge a sparkling new culturally relevant and intellectually stimulated you.
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