Issue 20 | August 13,2012 | critic.co.nz

vAcuosity
28
I’m not naive. I know that there are cynical naysayers
out there who say being a celebrity in New Zealand is like
being fat and having big boobs: it simply doesn’t count.
But fear not. If you encounter one of these bitter, jealous
killjoys in your day-to-day life, there is a simple two-word
riposte that will convince them of the famewhore’s role as
the thread that holds the moral fabric of our society together.
Those two little words are “Clarke Gayford”.
I know 35-year-old Gayford rather better than the other stars
on this list. I have had the immense pleasure of meeting him
in the flesh not once, but twice, for a few hours at a time. Once
I got over my initial starstruck bashfulness and realised that
I would not in fact spontaneously combust with reverence
upon entering the Gayford force-field of brilliance, I relished
the opportunity to marinate in the witty repartee of the More
FM host, ex-C4 presenter, general media personality and allaround
good guy.
Just as his surname cannot suppress his raging heterosexu-
ality, Gayford’s swarthy good looks belie his humble nature.
Despite having spent an action-packed decade as a bona fide
A-Lister, Gayford’s celebrity status still so confounds him that
he finds himself forced to reference his friendship with Tiki
Taane and his all-expenses paid trip to Antarctica courtesy
of Prime in every second sentence, just to try to make sense
of the whirlwind of fame and glamour the boy from Gisborne
has somehow been caught up in.
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Much to the chagrin of bachelorettes from Christchurch to Cape
Reinga, Gayford is currently seriously involved with Shortland
Street’s Shavaughn Ruakere, better known as That Girl With
The Freakishly Big Mouth Who Is Really Unfunny Yet For Some
Perplexing Reason Keeps Getting Invited Back To 7 Days. Yet
for Clarke, the road to true love has had many a hole. He has
been romantically linked to singer Hollie Smith and socialite
Anna Jobsz, in addition to a steady stream of less-famous gash
that the ever-compassionate Gayford describes as “training”
for the relationships that “really matter”, a phrase which here
means “offer over-airbrushed photo shoot and interview
opportunities with the Women’s Weekly”.
The Otago alumnus’ gravelly tones beam into our homes and
cars via More FM and Holden commercials every afternoon,
offering a sliver of hope for every Otago graduate who dreams
of emulating Gayford’s meteoric rise to the top of the A List.
Gayford’s success is a testament to what any Otago grad can
achieve with the right hair product, a friendship with John
Campbell, culturally sensitive Maori tattoos, a decent workout
regime, the willingness to hock environment-destroying
family cars on TV for extra cash, excellent cunnilingus skills,
and raging megalomania.
For your daily dose of irreverent humour, tune into MoreFM
drive from 4 - 6pm weekdays. You can also get the inside word
on Clarke’s latest antics on Twitter (@NZClarke).