The Porn Circuit | Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability and Filtering

Failure is not an option
CHapter 6: Habits of Freedom
If a person does act out, they should take note of how the fall occurred and avoid that
temptation. Get back to a 90-day plan and don’t give up. If the fall is an isolated slip, Dr. Laaser
says restarting the 90-day clock isn’t necessary. But a deep binge with porn or a series of falls
means it’s time to restart the 90-day period of abstinence.
Abstinence
Is sex with a spouse allowed during this period? That can be a difficult question and may need
to be answered by a person’s therapist, someone with an outsider’s view of the struggler’s
condition and state of mind.
Dr. Laaser says no. In fact, Laaser requires his patients to sign a 90-day abstinence contract,
which means not only no self-sex but also no sex with one’s spouse.
Why? First of all, he says, a person needs to learn that they won’t die without sex, especially for
90 days. But more importantly, the person struggling with pornography or sex addiction needs
to work proactively about learning true intimacy.
“The abstinence contract on the front end is entirely about neurochemical detox,” Laaser says.
“It’s resetting the brain in terms of sexual expectations. Generally, the 14 th day is the wall. As
you get past the 14 th day, things will get easier.” 8
After 30 days of abstinence, an individual will begin to feel more confident. Many people
in recovery say that after 30 days they feel more focused in their daily lives and even more
energetic.
So, if it takes 14 days to detox and 30 days to begin to gain confidence, why the focus on 90
days of abstinence even with a spouse? It’s all about genuine intimacy. For someone with
an obsessive porn habit or an addiction, the focus has been on personal and immediate
gratification. The people in porn are used; the porn user gives nothing. Especially for men,
porn equates to selfishness that typically extends to their marital life. This even includes the
overemphasis men can have of their sexual performance, pride or fear about their prowess, and
where sexual performance is equated to their manliness.
Varying cultural, social, and psychological issues have robbed a porn user of their potential for
intimacy. And this 90-day period without sex is an optimal time to learn and grow.
“Couples often are making that classic mistake of all addicts: that sex is equal to love or sex is
equal to intimacy,” Dr. Laaser says. “During the 90 days, we’re trying to teach the couple to
have intimacy in spiritual and emotional ways first and then eventually sexuality becomes an
expression of that intimacy.” 9
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