Volume 10 - Issue 1, February 15, 2008 - Lake Chapala Review

Page 44 Lake Chapala Review
February 2008
An Impure Fantasy
by Jim Rambo Papa Bear and Momma Bear
Once upon a time in a far off country, there was a Papa
Bear and a Momma Bear. The bear, formerly known as
Baby Bear, had grown and gone on to work at a hedge fund
deep in the woods. Papa and Momma lived comfortably
in Castle Den, their historic home in Gumshoe Ville, a
blue collar bear neighborhood. Those inhabiting nearby
dens loved them. Papa was just months from retirement
as a honey taster with Honeydew Corporation. He had
worked hard his whole life but had never felt comfortable
because of mortgage payments and tax raises that always
seemed to increase more than his meager wages and bear
bennies.
Momma and Papa decided to retire in Mexico. They had
learned that the country was bear-friendly, particularly up
in the cool mountains, and that costs were reasonable.
And so The Bears sought out a retirement specialist, the
Sly Old Fox. Fox came to the house one night, under cover
of darkness, and sat down with the Bears to discuss their
plans that were only in the cub stage.
“You know, Bears, my inside information is that the real
estate market will take a dive in a few years. That doesn’t
bode well for your plans for Mexico. Your equity in Bear
Castle Den is going to be reduced dramatically and that
scenario could affect your retirement dreams. Being the
Sly Old Fox that I am, I have a serious suggestion for you.
Because you have been at the mercy of banks and other
unscrupulous lenders your entire lives, you may find my
proposal amusing. On the other hand, your ‘responsible
side’ might find it downright offensive. In any event, here
it is”:
“People have called me, the Fox, a predator but I’m
a piker compared with the banks today. These guys are
throwing money at their clients. Why? Because they
have built interest escalation clauses into their supposed
‘give away mortgages’. Interest rates will soar in just a
few years, balloon payments will be incorporated in many
of their loan documents and guess what? Poor working
folks like yourselves are gonna be unable to keep up with
their mortgage payments. Foreclosures, with attendant
lawyers’ fees, will be rampant for certain. It’s all quite
predictable but the banks and real estate lawyers, out of
incredible greed, are ignoring it completely. It borders,
even to a Sly Old Fox, on the criminal. Instead of being
victimized by this sophisticated scam, however, you’ve
got to be proactive. Yeah, that’s the term, ‘proactive’, so
hear me out.”
“Jack up the value of your home however you can.
Paint it, put in new light fixtures and otherwise clean
it up…on the cheap. Then find yourselves a friendly
mortgage broker to appraise it. The broker will be more
than giddy, in today’s ‘go go’ market, to give you a high
appraisal. After all, his own broker’s commission will be
based on the value of the loan to be given, right? Then
take out a loan as high as possible on Castle Den, with
the assistance of your good broker, no matter what the
outrageous terms might be. They’ll probably suggest
starting off at a mere one percent, just to lasso you bears
in. But the fact of the matter is, you will be doing your
best Little Red Riding Hood imitation and lassoing them
instead. So listen a while longer to what this Old Fox has
for you….
With the loan in hand, put the Castle Den up for sale at
a price even higher than the broker’s appraisal. It won’t
sell because the broker was way high to begin with. You
have to give the impression anyway that you believe in the
possibility of a sale that would pay off your indebtedness.
But, of course, there will be no sale, no matter how much
advertising is done, no matter how many showings you
have and no matter who the real estate agent may be. In
this cautious buyer’s market, no fool will bite; not even
on this historic Den. Now comes the interesting part:
Buy your dream den in Mexico. Take all of the equity
that you bled out of Castle Den and spend it on a haciendastyle
den befitting all your labors over the past 45 years.
Get one with a swimming pool and a casita den for visits
by Baby Bear, when he can drag himself away from the
hedge fund. Make the mortgage payments on Castle Den
to demonstrate your good faith efforts at a sale until the
first interest rate adjustment is implemented by the new
mortgage company. Then you call the company and tell
them that you’re not making another payment. Oh, I can
see by the looks on your faces that this will be a radical
move for you stand up bears. But think about it real hard
for a moment.
The mortgage company will be up to its ears in
foreclosures by then and the stock market will surely
be for bears only too. They will try every way to make
you reinstitute payments. They will forgive back debt
and they’ll waive penalties but, importantly, they will
not waive the interest increase on your loan or agree to
modify it. If you insist that you refuse to pay, they will
threaten you incessantly. Their calls will be on the area
code for Far Away Land via Vonage so they won’t know
that you’re already in Mexico. Your credit rating will be
shot, but who cares? You’ll be in Mexico’s cash society!
Finally, they will threaten to issue a 1099 for any debt that
they may decide to forgive on the loan. You’ll be told that
it could be as high as $150,000 and that you will have to
English
spoken
Test our original Italian pizza D.O.C.
and enjoy our yellow house
Ajijic St. Andrew’s
Angelican
Church
Hidalgo #75 • Riberas del Pilar
Tel.: 01 376 765 6996
TRANSITO
PIZZERIA
Italian
spoken
Chapala
ESTAFETA
Gnocchi, Pollo alla Cacciatora, Meatballs w/
tomato sauce, and different weekly specials.
Assorted desserts
Eat In or Take Out
Hours: noon to 10pm
Closed Tues. & Wed.