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BOSS MAGAZINE LIFESTYLE<br />
Saying F-You<br />
Last year I was driving my brother to<br />
work. I had accidentally left his computer<br />
on overnight and provided him with a<br />
very lame apology. This minor thing came<br />
up during our drive, and snowballed into<br />
a shouting match, leading to both of us<br />
saying some pretty awful things. Once I<br />
dropped him off, I thought that would<br />
be the last time we ever spoke again.<br />
There was nothing that could be done<br />
to remedy the situation. The words we<br />
said were out there now, with no going<br />
back. I didn’t ever want to remember the<br />
conversation, so I erased it (and him) from<br />
my memory. In one fleeting moment, my<br />
whole landscape had changed. My mom<br />
urged for us to confront and figure out<br />
the problem, but we didn’t. Obviously,<br />
parents always know best, and it took 4<br />
gruelling months to learn how to forgive<br />
myself and my brother. The idea of<br />
forgiveness is a strange one - that is to<br />
stop feeling resentful or indignant to<br />
someone who has wronged you, even<br />
if they have not apologized or made up<br />
for their actions. Yet, forgiveness is a<br />
valuable tool, so underused and often<br />
forgotten in our age, that it seems<br />
outdated and pointless.<br />
The phrase “forgive and forget” floats<br />
around a lot, but it’s a phrase that truly<br />
fits the cliché of “easier said than done.”<br />
To wholly forgive someone for a heinous,<br />
almost unspeakable action is mentally<br />
exhausting, and many often don’t do<br />
it, instead internalizing the feelings and<br />
brooding something dark and even more<br />
hurtful within themselves.<br />
How one person affected<br />
by trauma took a simple<br />
one-word idea and used it<br />
to instill change and<br />
progress within the<br />
youth of Toronto<br />
Broaching the idea of forgiveness,<br />
especially for youth, is difficult. It’s so<br />
much easier to ignore or seek revenge<br />
on those who have wronged you, yet it<br />
is those exact actions that instead create<br />
more despair and depression. F-You: The<br />
Forgiveness Project is an organization/<br />
speaker series created by Tara Muldoon<br />
that encourages our generation and<br />
those to come, to be mindful of those<br />
who have hurt you, viewing all possible<br />
perspectives of conflict and emotional<br />
strife. “What would it look like if you<br />
forgive yourself or another today?” is<br />
the question Tara wants to pose to the<br />
world. F-You is an idea first formed<br />
and implemented in the UK under<br />
the moniker The Forgiveness Project,<br />
and transferred by Tara into a Toronto<br />
setting. The UK based Forgiveness<br />
Project hosted an art show at the<br />
University of Toronto in which Tara<br />
attended, and the ideals presented<br />
resonated so deeply with her that she<br />
decided to convey the morals in her own<br />
way at home, hoping to instill the same<br />
reaction in the population of Toronto.<br />
I had a chance to discuss F-You with Tara,<br />
and the inspiration comes from a dark<br />
point in Tara’s life.<br />
“I was on the journey of coming to terms<br />
with a sexual assault; the art show [at U<br />
of T] touched me in a profound way.”<br />
This idea of forgiveness, simple it may<br />
be in theory, impacted Tara so much<br />
that she was determined to spread the<br />
word, literally. Tara hopes forgiveness<br />
By Max Greenwood<br />
to it all<br />
can bring peace to anyone harmed by<br />
violence, sexual assault, or anything that<br />
has negatively affected the individual.<br />
Tara began hosting F-You events in<br />
December of 2010, drawing in 49<br />
attendees who wanted to discuss the<br />
unforgettable things that had happened<br />
to them, and the struggle to cope and<br />
move on.<br />
“To be honest, I don’t really do anything”<br />
says Tara. “It’s the speakers - when<br />
you have a peer sitting in front of you<br />
speaking about overcoming trauma/<br />
heartbreak/addiction/etc., the strength<br />
is contagious.”<br />
All of us are constantly surrounded by<br />
conflict of some kind, whether real life<br />
or depicted in the media. Some of us are<br />
affected directly, having lost friends or<br />
family; others indirectly, yet the pain and<br />
emotion is all-to-real, and Tara set out to<br />
turn this trauma into a positive project.<br />
Forgiving others is important, but selfforgiveness<br />
is a major talking point as<br />
well. Many people act impulsively and<br />
cannot forget something done in a fit<br />
of passion or emotion. Forgiving oneself<br />
is often more difficult then forgiving<br />
someone else. Reliving those “I could<br />
have handled it better” moments is<br />
draining. This is why Tara invites both<br />
victims and perpetrators of violent acts<br />
to speak. We are a collection of every<br />
“what if” we have ever thought, some<br />
fortunate and some destructive, so<br />
confronting them in F-You’s positive<br />
space, surrounded by like-minded peers,<br />
is an excellent approach to the difficult<br />
task of answering those what-ifs.<br />
Victims of sexual assault, ex-gang<br />
members, and others who seek answers<br />
attend the F-You meetings and tell their<br />
raw stories. The original discussion group<br />
has grown extensively since its inception,<br />
and averages an astounding return rate<br />
of over 85%. “Real recognizes real,” Tara<br />
surmises. “I believe people come back<br />
because of our calibre of speakers.” The<br />
real goal of the F-You discussion series<br />
is to produce “logical, preventable antiviolence<br />
tactics,” but Tara has much<br />
more in mind, hoping to one day change<br />
the meaning of “F-you” to mean “forgive<br />
you.” However, when I first read F-You,<br />
I had something else in mind, something<br />
a bit more hostile. “Fuck you” seems like<br />
the first thing to say to someone who has<br />
wronged you, but anger seems like a step<br />
in the wrong direction when it comes to<br />
forgiveness. Tara has another thought.<br />
“I believe anger is healthy. When we<br />
are hurt or wronged, we have to go<br />
through a process to find peace. I would<br />
never and could never judge anyone<br />
for being mad when pain occurs.” F-You<br />
aims to create talking points around<br />
this anger, presenting the idea that<br />
even if forgiveness seems too distant<br />
a thought, it is still possible. Still, anger<br />
cannot be a crutch.<br />
“I do feel there is a point when anger<br />
can take over our lives, which becomes<br />
unhealthy and can manifest addictions<br />
[and] hate.” Tara seems to convey that<br />
anger is normal, but being consumed by<br />
anger (or any emotion for that matter) is<br />
not. Finding ways to come to terms with<br />
these overpowering feelings is the key<br />
motive behind F-You.<br />
This idea of being consumed with anger<br />
brings up an interesting topic, one Tara<br />
has debated endlessly. Is there such a<br />
thing as an unforgivable action? “In my<br />
experience,” says Tara, “I have yet to find<br />
anything unforgivable. I really believe<br />
that with my whole heart.” Although<br />
I personally agree with Tara - there is<br />
always a way to move past an action,<br />
despite its consequences on your life -<br />
forgiveness is not universal. Everyone<br />
does not forgive the same way, and<br />
some may not be want to forgive at all.<br />
“We discuss the [unforgivable] question<br />
openly to create conversation - never,<br />
ever to judge.” This question contributes<br />
to the key factors and appeal of<br />
F-You: creating touchy talking points,<br />
encouraging speakers to present their<br />
personal stories, and seeking acceptance<br />
and comfort in a group atmosphere.<br />
F-You was not created to tell exactly how<br />
to face your source of problems though,<br />
as this process differs for each attendee.<br />
“Confrontation is absolutely not<br />
necessary, in my experience,” Tara says.<br />
“I will never be able to speak directly to<br />
the man who assaulted me. I forgave him<br />
for me, not for him.”<br />
In a way, Tara encapsulates the entire<br />
message of F-You with this sentence.<br />
You do not enter with the intent of fully<br />
forgiving someone by the end, removing<br />
them from your mind and continuing on,<br />
happy now, with your life. Forgiveness<br />
is a tool, to be practiced and used more<br />
and more throughout your life.<br />
“Hurt people hurt people...I don’t believe<br />
F-You can save the world, but I’ve had<br />
multiple people tell me that F-You has<br />
kept [them] from shooting a gun and<br />
also taking their own lives.” Forgiveness<br />
creates relief and cultivates personal<br />
growth. There may never be finalized<br />
conclusions to the conflicts these<br />
speakers present, but changing the way<br />
these conflicts are thought about is a<br />
major step.<br />
Building upon these ideals, Tara and<br />
F-You recently published a book, based<br />
on the format that occurs at the speaker<br />
series. Real people submit stories<br />
involving forgiveness; this way, those<br />
who are not comfortable speaking in<br />
person can instead share their stories<br />
with a pen and paper. The book, F-You:<br />
The Forgiveness Project - Memoirs of<br />
Violence and Compassion, published<br />
in August 2013, is the first in a series<br />
aimed to spread the word of forgiveness<br />
throughout the world.<br />
“So many people doubted me that<br />
youth would write about forgiveness”<br />
says Tara. “It’s been incredibly inspiring<br />
to see all the authors tell their stories.”<br />
The City of Toronto helped fund the<br />
book, and another is slated to be<br />
published soon, this time dealing with<br />
grief and forgiveness specifically. After<br />
that, Tara hopes to focus on addiction.<br />
In the meantime, F-You continues to<br />
hold speaker series and present their<br />
admirable message, visiting universities,<br />
community centres, and anyone that will<br />
have them. Tara even visited Rome, and<br />
gave Pope Francis a copy of the book.<br />
“I hope he gives us a review,” jokes Tara.<br />
Even if he doesn’t, it’s refreshing to see<br />
someone who holds such a culturally<br />
valued (albeit a bit archaic) position<br />
involving themselves in something<br />
so pertinent to all facets of society,<br />
showing again how far-reaching and<br />
valuable the cause is.<br />
Still, forgiving is an everyday struggle.<br />
“Forgiveness can get gritty and<br />
complicated,” says Tara. “I have yet to<br />
experience someone speaking about<br />
an easy forgiveness experience.” Tara<br />
created F-You to guide through this<br />
complex process of forgiveness, letting<br />
us listen to those who have suffered<br />
from and even perpetrated terrible acts.<br />
Never forget to forgive - it will make<br />
you a stronger person and allow you to<br />
grow and help others. F-You reminded<br />
me of this: I let a fight with my brother<br />
drag on for too long once, and I nearly<br />
lost my relationship with him. I imagined<br />
what life would be like without having<br />
him around, to ask for favours, to hang<br />
out with, to learn from. I could not deal<br />
with the thought of losing that part of<br />
my life. I imagined myself forgiving him,<br />
and knew it had to happen, so faced my<br />
fears and said F-you to it all.<br />
WINTER 2013 BOSS MAGAZINE<br />
94<br />
95