Autumn 2011 - Mandy Mazliah

Raising children
How to raise your boys into fantastic men
Jackie Furley wanted to make
sure she was doing all she
could to bring her son up to
be a happy and confident
young man…
The riots that took place in the
summer have brought to the very
forefront of our minds the topic of
children and how we as a nation are
raising them. In some cultures, the
upbringing of a child is deemed to be
the responsibility of the community
and not just the family unit. In our
more secular Western society where
the privacy of the nuclear family is
jealously guarded, we as parents
are charged with the task of bringing
up our children. That is surely no
mean feat. As the proud mother of a
two and a half year old boy I went to
the Rosendale Children’s Centre to
attend a four session course called
“Raising boys”.
Although it’s called Raising Boys, the
course was developed by the Boys
Development Project and is also
known as the About Boys Course.
Helen Wroe, our course facilitator
and the centre’s Family Outreach
Worker, is one of 65 accredited
trainers who currently deliver the
course to mothers with sons around
the country. Rosendale CC calls the
course Raising Boys after parent
feedback told them this sounded
more accessible and relevant.
As mothers we want to better
understand our sons since we
are not of the male species. Their
behaviour can seem quite puzzling
and infuriating at times, which should
not be an unfamiliar feeling as we
sometimes feel that way about their
fathers!
When I and the seven other mothers
were asked the reasons for our
attendance our replies ranged from
“I want to learn to cope better” to
“I don’t understand my son” and “I
don’t want to raise a stereotype”.
I told the group that I wanted to
learn to be a better parent because
I realised that if I wanted anything
to change, I am going to have to do
it myself, rather than heap a whole
lot of unrealistic expectations on my
son Matthew.
We learnt that boys, more than
girls, have a tendency to get into
a whole heap of trouble - anything
ranging from school suspensions to
criminal activities and even death by
unnatural causes. This sobering fact
set the tone of seriousness of the
purpose of why we were all there.
Our boys may be barely toilet-trained
at the moment, but we have to start
thinking now about how we want to
raise them now so that they become
responsible and happy adults.
One thing is clearly obvious: boys
are different to girls. How? Well, as
a generalisation, we know boys to
be more physical than girls hence
they run about taking more risks.
What was a revelation to me was the
idea that boys see the whole world
as a playground, so context is more
difficult for them. Put yourself in their
shoes: “if I can jump on the sofa
at home then when I see a sofa,
any sofa, I will jump on it”. Girls, by
contrast, are more aware of their
surrounding and will act accordingly.
Hence going to church is not an
obstacle course of pews to be
climbed. Boys are also apparently
more scientific, which means that not
only will they experiment constantly,
they will do it repeatedly and almost
obsessively to see whether the
outcome is the same each time.
Sounds reasonably harmless if
little Tommy is testing gravity by
throwing food on the floor. But it’s
not so funny when the outcome
being observed by little Tommy is
our increasing level of hysteria. To
sum up, boys act inappropriately
repeatedly. Boys take more risks
because they learn by doing so.
Boys are physically further from us.
Which leads us to shout more at
boys. Wow. Spot on.
In the second session, we learnt
more about boys’ behaviour. Firstly,
boys are reactors not creators.
Girls on the other hand can create
something from nothing. This really
struck home as Matthew has a girl
playmate just 6 days older who can
entrance him by spinning a story
entirely in her own words, as she
cannot yet read, using the pictures
in a book she has not seen before,
and creating a credible storyline.
Secondly, boys are just like dogs.
They are simple creatures- feed
me, walk me, take me to the toilet,
love me. The third point is boys form
habits quickly.
None of these are negatives in
their entirety but if we don’t try to
understand them or parent in a way
that is sympathetic, then we may be
missing something. Like the point
of boys being reactors. For me, this
explains why video games are so
popular with boys, especially the
more action-packed ones since they
require the player to respond to a
given situation. A gun is pointed at
the player, shoot first otherwise risk
getting shot first.
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