1n1REzE

Peter Watts 119 Blindsight
that's a kind of abuse. And if your father had been half as loyal to
me as I've been to him all these years..."
I remembered Jim, the last time I'd seen him: snorting
vassopressin under the restless eyes of robot sentries. "I don't think
Dad's been disloyal to either of us."
Helen sighed. "I don't really expect you to understand. I'm not
completely stupid, I've seen how it played out. I pretty much had
to raise you myself all these years. I always had to play the heavy,
always had to be the one to hand out the discipline because your
father was off on some secret assignment. And then he'd come
home for a week or two and he was the golden-haired boy just
because he'd seen fit to drop in. I don't really blame you for that
any more than I blame him. Blame doesn't solve anything at this
stage. I just thought—well, really, I thought you ought to know.
Take it for what it's worth."
A memory, unbidden: called into Helen's bed when I was nine,
her hand stroking my scar, her stale sweet breath stirring against
my cheek. You're the man of the house now Siri. We can't count
on your father any more. It's just you and me...
I didn't say anything for a while. Finally: "Didn't it help at all"
"What do you mean"
I glanced around at all that customized abstraction: internal
feedback, lucidly dreamed. "You're omnipotent in here. Desire
anything, imagine anything; there it is. I'd thought it would have
changed you more."
Rainbow tiles danced, and forced a laugh. "This isn't enough of
a change for you"
Not nearly.
Because Heaven had a catch. No matter how many constructs
and avatars Helen built in there, no matter how many empty
vessels sang her praises or commiserated over the injustices she'd
suffered, when it came right down to it she was only talking to
herself. There were other realities over which she had no control,
other people who didn't play by her rules—and if they thought of
Helen at all, they thought as they damn well pleased.
She could go the rest of her life without ever meeting any of
them. But she knew they were out there, and it drove her crazy.