A.R. Rahman's Journey to the Oscars - International Indian

DESH AUR DIASPORAth16ANNI V ERSARYFRIENDS:HOW WE KEEP THEMHOW WE LOSE THEMWhen it comes to family and friends are Indians different from other nationalities?Do you believe in deep friendships? How many good friends do you have? How manyfriendships have you lost? Are you always ready to make new friends? Do you like to have manyor just a few? Living abroad, away from our extended families and the India we miss, there is aneed for good friends. How do we choose them, keep them and build our relationships?Are there any East-West lessons we can learn? In TIIs continuing ‘Desh Aur Diaspora’ series,we take a look at one of the most fascinating aspects of our lives.by: Frank RajCompleting nearly six decades on planetearth, I’ve come to the understandingthat the best friendships are not deep,but deep and wide. Deep friendshipscan be gratifying, but they invariably setup expectations and make promises that are difficultto keep no matter how good theintentions are. Resentmentbegins to accumulate when highexpectations are not met andpeople begin to feel trapped.There comes the feeling ofbeing taken advantage of,and unless people are moreunderstanding and willing to beflexible with their expectations,such friendships generallydo not last. Nonetheless alot of people get into deeprelationships and invest somuch of their lives only to bedisappointed and frustratedmany years later.Marriage-potentially thegreatest friendship in the worldis one that most of us seriously violate and only afew succeed in rebuilding, though the relationshipis probably never restored completely. Finding theabiding love of a man or a woman is one of thetoughest quests in life, yet after a couple hooks upand commits to each other for life, why do things fallLife in the Gulfadds its ownpeculiar facets toexpatriate life. Oneapart so often? It is the one friendship where mutualneeds can genuinely be met, and it offers the greatestopportunity for a companion who can truly make adifference in our lives. Experience seems to indicateeven deeply cherished, long married relationshipscan fall into a hole. They must be wide as they aredeep, possibly the deeper therelationship, the wider it must beto be truly meaningful.I’ve always wonderedwhether our greatest love songsare unknowingly written aboutthe greatest Love of all, a truerelationship with the Creator -not with a fellow human being.Far above human capacity, theocean of divine love is so deepand so wide we cannot fathom it.Perhaps that’s why we yearn formore depth and understanding inour relationships – because ourdivine role model designed us tobe unique. Ultimately then it is ourCreator that we seek through allour fragile earthly bonds.Life in the Gulf with all its advantages, adds its ownpeculiar facets to expatriate life. One curious fallout inthe NRI scenario, is the impact on relationships. In theconcern for building a nest egg, individual values andrelationships seem to take a beating. Stories abound ofthe “Indian communal crab” mentality but there is also‘curious fallout inthe NRI scenario,is the impact on‘relationships.a curious tendency of people not toacknowledge those who lent them ahelping hand or to keep old friendswho fell behind in the race forprosperity. Genuine appreciationcan be the cement for a long termconnection, but many people findit hard to be grateful for help givenwhen it was most needed.This is a particularly sensitiveissue for many Gulf NRIsbecause their coming out ofIndia was usually facilitated by afriend or a relative. I arrived herebecause a certain MS Prasad,a friend of a friend who onceowned businesses in Dubai andAbu Dhabi, wanted some helplaunching a new business. Hepaid for my ticket to Dubai andput me up in his flat during myinitial stay. He is back in India butI can never forget his kindness tome - he didn’t really need me tohelp him, he just made a way forme to get a break. There are otherfriends like that I cannot forgeteven if they have forgotten me.Such people have helped so manyindividuals start a new life, but inMarriage-thegreatest friendshipin the world is onethat most of usseriously violateand only a fewpossibly succeedin rebuilding.return their family or friends keep a distance, or cut ties and rarelyacknowledge their existence.Friendships however are one area of my life where I admit I havenot invested enough time even though I’ve had some great friends.That’s a deliberate reference to the past – many of my friends and Ihardly keep in touch so I can’t presume on their current affections,although I know some of them would protest at this. But the fact isdistance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder - we human beingsremember selectively and forget easily. The ability to pickup where youleft off regardless of the reason or duration is valuable in friendships. Iagree one must be a friend to have a friend but the best friendships I’vefigured cannot just be deep, they must be deep and wide, not holdingyou back in anyway.Observing other cultures with regard to friendship is a good learningexperience. Different nationalities living in a melting pot like the Gulf,have to learn tolerance and how to maintain boundaries. The dynamicsof the expatriate life are very interesting as one can observe the entirespectrum of human interaction from blatant racism to heartwarmingsituations of mutual respect and understanding. What sort of friendshipskills do we pass on to our children? Most of us tend to mingle onlywith our own, but it’s fascinating to watch those who breakawayfrom narrow racial groups and make the effort to cultivate a varietyof friends. It’s also pathetic to see many folks stick only to their ownkind, with some desis perversely going the extra mile, preferring onlytheir own caste communities even among their countrymen.Relationships are key in business and the success stories of Indiansworldwide paradoxically does indicate they are as good as anybody else inbuilding networks and succeeding in virtually every field of human endeavor.Amartya Sen in his book The Argumentative Indian, points out thatthe flourishing Indian Diaspora is an indication of India’s interactivepresence. “ Ideas as well as people have moved across India’s bordersover thousands of years, enriching India as well as the rest of the world,”he points out. Rabindranath Tagore noted, “Whatever we understand40 41The International IndianThe International Indian‘‘