ø - Razorcake

RICH MACKIN
RICH MACKIN
I first decided to write this
when I was talking to my friend
Sally about how being accused of
assault caused me to research the
subject. I noticed that there is a lot
of material written about avoiding
sexually assault and a lot of material
about what to do if you have
been sexually assaulted, but there
isn’t much written about how to
make sure that you never find yourself
in a position where your
actions might be considered sexual
assault.
There is plenty of information
for women, but not much for males,
and surely not for “guys” (to denote
what would be called the “average
American male”). Since most sexual
assault is male on female, there
clearly is a need for this information.
“We teach our daughters to
say ‘no’ to intercourse – and we
hardly say anything to our sons” is
clearly stated in the handbook
against assault, No is Not Enough
(Adams, Fay, M.A., Loreen-
Martin). Bell hooks, in Feminism Is
for Everybody, says, “No significant
body of feminist literature has
appeared that addresses boys.” The
more I read about sexual assault,
gender issues, and feminism, I
found more information that I
thought most men should read. But
most of it was hidden in books
clearly marketed towards female
feminists or in books with title like
Transforming a Rape Culture,
which doesn’t exactly appeal to you
as something to read in a park
under a tree on your day off or in
bed before sleeping.
I acknowledge that talking
about how actions might be considered
sexual assault can seem
strange. “If she says no, it’s rape,”
right? Obviously. Of course. What
if she doesn’t say “no,” but “I don’t
think so” or “I don’t think this is a
good idea” or even “maybe”?
Maybe is part no and part yes.
Arguably, a person should be clearer
about their interest level, but
shouldn’t the person initiating be
seeking out a definite answer? Not
“maybe,” not “I guess,” but “YES!”
18 If you are initiating
THE TWISTED BALLOON
I COULDN’T EXACTLY SAY THAT HE ROBBED ME, BUT I DIDN’T FEEL
THAT HE WANTED THE DOLLAR OF MY OWN FREE WILL.
sexual activity, it is your responsibility
to make it completely and
absolutely sure that it is desired, not
just that there is a lack of resistance.
You shouldn’t “think” the
other person is interested. You
should be completely, absolutely
sure without doubt of any sort. If
you feel confident that the interest
is there, what harm is a verbal confirmation
going to do you?
That’s so simple, but also rather
unusual. In some ways, part of the
excitement of sex and romance is
not knowing what the other person
is thinking and trying to figure out
what is going on between you. The
difference with active consent can
be as simple as erring on the side of
caution unless intent and consent is
clear. A lot of discussion in an
activist group that discusses these
issues is, “Are we willing to get
laid less for the revolution?” I think
it’s not a question of getting “laid”
less, but risking a night or two here
and there to make sure that one’s
“getting laid” isn’t the other person’s
feeling pressured, or worse.
We all should be aware and
responsible for inequities when initiating
sexual contact. Is one person
bigger than the other? Older?
Drunker? Is one a rock star and the
other a fan? Teacher and student? If
you are a six and a half foot tall
man who is built like a wrestler,
you don’t have to only date women
who can fend you off, but you DO
need to be aware that others might
be intimidated by you, so you are
responsible for understanding,
acknowledging, and respecting that
such intimidation MIGHT exist,
and how it effects the other’s
actions. Indeed, in many situations
my own actions made women
uncomfortable not for my intent to
oppress or dominate, but for a complete
lack of empathy for inequities
of the situation and our relationship.
This is the basic idea of privilege
– that one person might have
an upper hand that another does
not. Usually, this privilege is directly
linked to not being aware of the
privilege unless one takes a
moment to consider it. It can be
simple as the fact that I, as a man,
can take my shirt off on a hot day,
and it just means I am hot. A
woman doing the same is thought
to be making a sexual overture.
Unfortunately, this important concept
is generally not discussed, and
when it is, it’s almost exclusively
by angry people who use it to
scapegoat and overgeneralize –
because men, as a gender, have
privilege, white people as a race
have privilege, etc. But anyone
who tries to tell you ALL white
people have it easy, or ALL men
have it better than ALL women,
well, the simple term for that is
WRONG.
I bring up men and women
because, yes, most sexual transgressions
and violence are done by
men. Most victims are women. But
the idea is not men are bad and
women are victims, but that PEO-
PLE have the ability to harm one
another, and sometimes do so without
realizing it, or at least considering
that they might be. There are
many ways someone’s actions
might harm another without it
being a case of direct attempt at
harm. It’s not just one person’s
intent. It’s the other’s idea of consent;
to quote from No Is Not
Enough: “Consent is based on
choice. Consent is active, not passive.
Consent is possible only when
there is equal power. Giving in
because of fear is not consent.
Going along with something
because of wanting to fit in with the
group, being deceived, or feeling
bad is not consent. If you can’t say
‘no’ comfortably, then ‘yes’ has no
meaning. If you are unwilling to
accept a ‘no,’ then ‘yes’ has no
meaning.”
The idea that consent is something
that should be sought out is
not considered by many in our society.
Pop culture presents the idea of
sex being when the man proposes
an idea and the woman accepts or
fends him off. This isn’t necessarily
a result of men being evil scumbags
who seek to perpetuate patriarchal
oppression. (Patriarchy,
which traditionally means a system
of male power heredity, is often
used to mean a decided societal
sexism where males oppress
females, often used as a fancy word
for “sexism.”) I think this is a combination
of other, less obvious factors.
Some men might very well be
evil scumbags, but most have good
intentions and somehow forget
what the road to hell is paved with.
Forget your intentions and consider
the outcome. To quote from the
book Hope and Recovery, “When
in doubt – don’t.”
Men and women communicate
differently. (I realize that not everyone
falls into the polarities of men
and women, but most do. Even
though it’s twilight as I write this
doesn’t mean night and day don’t
exist.) To sum up the 298 pages of
You Just Don’t Understand by
Deborah Tannen, both men and
women speak not only in the direct
messages they say, but the metamessages
of how they say it. Men
generally are concerned with direct
information. Women are more concerned
with the meta-messages. An
example is that a woman might say,
“Do you want to stop for dinner?”
This means she does, or at least
wants to discuss the idea. The man
frustrates her by answering “Yes”
or “No.” He might say, “I want to
stop for dinner”: a statement, not a
discussion. Neither mode is chosen
consciously, neither way is right or
wrong, and neither is cut and dry
specific to either sex. Sex and gender
also factor in with ethnicity,
upbringing, socializing, and many
other factors. But still, AS A
WHOLE, men and women talk differently,
and thus listen differently.
The golden rule does not
always work. You do unto others
what you would like them to do
unto you. Do they WANT what you
want done unto you? A crass example
is that many men I know would
love to be awaken with sexual contact,
especially orally; at least they
say as much. Most women I know
would be annoyed, if not feel outright
violated to be awaken that
way – even by long term partner.