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ather, to make polite excuses.” The
excuse is a polite “no” which he
addresses at face value. (Consider
when someone invites you to an
event you don’t want to go to. Do
you say, “No, I don’t want to”? Or
something like “Oh, I need to
__________ that day,” which opens
up the addressing of the excuse, not
the thoughts behind it?)
To even say “no,” a person
needs to have the belief that saying
“no” would have an effect, and
sometimes that belief level is not
there. Sex is a natural biological
thing, like eating, but it has levels
of spirituality, passion, and emotion.
To be sexual in America in
2003 combines your biochemistry,
views on intergender and/or homosexual
interactions as well as views
on your and whatever gender the
other person (people?) are with
whatever views on sexuality your
religion and upbringing put on you,
mixed with whatever intellectual
spin you put on it as you became
your own person. Every sex act you
engage in might have traces of
every sex act you have ever had,
along with any you may have
viewed on TV or film, or heard
from the other side of the wall.
Now take all that and try and have
a logical conversation with someone
equally confused.
“When she says ‘no,’ it’s rape.”
What if she says “yes” because he
framed the situation falsely, like
forgetting to mention his other sex
partners, or in one case I know,
removing the condom halfway
through? What if she is in no position
to say anything? What if HE is
in no position to say anything? If
both man and woman blacked out
from drugs or alcohol, but had sex,
can you say it was consented to? If
two people BOTH get drunk and
wake to find that they had sex, how
do they know who initiated and
thus was responsible for getting
consent? What if she wants sex and
HE says “no,” or “not a good
idea”? What if he passed out and
woke up to her having sex with
him? By the way, that last example
happened to me. Does that mean I
have been raped? I’m just asking to
ask.
Ever see Revenge of the Nerds?
There is a scene where one nerd
puts on the same costume as one of
the jocks and has sex with the
cheerleader who dates that jock
because she thinks it’s her
boyfriend, since they have the same
costume on. Not only is this
implausible, but it’s a form of rape.
But in the movie, the way he
expressed his love and gained hers
was celebrated.
When some people first start
really thinking about consent
issues, they wonder if anyone ever
has consenting sex. Some militant
feminists such as Andrea Dworkin
and Catharine MacKinnon have
equated all heterosexual sex with
rape, and in doing so wrongly
accuse men in general and present
an extreme feminism that borders
on self-parody. But there are many
others, perhaps less known because
of less shocking views, who are
more optimistic. Joseph Weinberg,
in his essay in “Transforming a
Rape Culture,” suggests that sex is
more erotic when it’s a sharing of
power, not a power struggle.
“Power with” instead of “power
over.” This makes me ask, Who do
you think should have more say
about sexuality? Those who like
sex or those who don’t?
We do, and will, and can have
both passion and concern about
consent, but we need to spend a
moment here and there to check the
situation and see exactly how both
(or all, I guess) parties stand. If the
idea of sex is supposed to be pleasurable,
don’t we all want the other
person to feel pleasure too? Think
about how much more willing people
tend to do something when they
feel like their interest level is being
considered and respected? We can
still have sex; we just need to spend
a few seconds thinking about what
to say and how to say it first. Some
express the concern of “Simon
Says Sex”: “Do you consent to
THIS? Do you consent to THIS?”
The widely acclaimed Antioch policy
mentions stopping for verbal
consent at each stage of an
encounter, but what exactly counts
as a stage? Maybe we don’t need to
worry about every little step if we
start relationships and encounters
with more openness, honesty, communication
and respect. I think a
few key words here are judgement
and foresight.
Not to get all on blaming “the
system,” but the way a lot of media
is, we are trained to meet strangers
in exciting situations, and by mere
proximity find sexual compatibility.
The way the judicial system
seems to work as a moral code is
that we feel bad not for what we do
wrong, but to feel bad if we get
caught. The restorative justice
movement is even centered around
the lack of being accountable for
the HARM someone does to others
and making amends, as opposed to
the more abstract idea of “breaking
a rule” so you should be punished.
Meanwhile, much of the recent discussions
about sexual assault in
“radical” communities center on
definitions. Definitions can be
helpful, but less important (in my
opinion) than what you call something
is how it impacts the lives of
people.
–Rich Mackin
Books used as resources/
reading list:
Beyond the Blame Game, by Dmitri
Bilgere, 1997, MPC Press (recommended)
Boys Will be Men: Raising our Sons
for Courage, Caring, and Community,
by Paul Kivel, 1999, New Society
Publishers
Cunt: A Declaration of Independence,
by Inga Muscio, 2002, Seal Press (recommended)
Feminism Is for Everybody by Bell
Hooks, 2000, South End Press (recommended)
Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and
the Rest of Us, by Kate Bornstein,
1995, Vintage Books (Highly recommended)
Good Will Toward Men, by Jack
Kramer, 1994, St. Martin’s Press
I Never Called It Rape, by Robin
Warsaw, 1988, Ms. Foundation/ Sarah
Lazin Books
Manhood in America, by Michael
Kimmel, 1996, The Free Press (recommended)
Men’s Work, by Paul Kivel, 1992,
Ballantine Books (Highly recommended)
My Gender Workbook: How to
Become a Real Man, a Real Woman,
the Real You, or Something Else
Entirely, by Kate Bornstein, 1998,
Routledge (recommended)
No Is Not Enough: Helping Teenagers
Avoid Sexual Assault, by Caren
Adams, M.A., Jennifer Fay, M.A., Jan
Loreen-Martin, M.A., 1984 Impact
Publishers
Psychic War in Men & Women, by
Helen Block Lewis, 1976, NYU Press
(Highly recommended. It discusses
gender in cultural and anthropological
levels, not just in modern culture.)
Refusing to be a Man, by John
Stoltenberg, 1989, Breitenbush Books
Inc.
(Note that I used this as a resource.
Some parts are great food for thought,
others, well, just wait until you read
the section about how men want to
father boys in order to avenge their lost
erections.)
The Secret Life of Men, by Steve
Biddulph,1994, 2003, Marlowe and
Company (recommended)
Sex on Your Terms, by Elizabeth
Powell, 1996, Allyn and Bacon (recommended)
Sex, Power and Boundaries:
Understanding and Preventing Sexual
Harassment, by Peter Rutter, M. D. (A
good book, but not really worth reading
unless you are doing research.
Mostly discusses workplace and legal
issues.)
Sexual Violence and American
Manhood, by T Walter Herbert, 2002,
Harvard University Press
That’s Not What I Meant! by Deborah
Tannen, Ph.D., 1986, Ballentine Books
(recommended)
Transforming a Rape Culture, edited
by Emilie Buchwald, Pamela Fletcher,
and Martha Roth, 1993, Milkweed
Editions.
You Just Don’t Understand: Women
and Men in Conversation, by Deborah
Tannen, Ph.D., 1991, Ballentine Books
(Highly recommended)
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RICH MACKIN