ø - Razorcake

cactus bush.
Dave: There was a dead tree that needed
a little help coming down and I gave it a
whole bunch of help and Newton’s laws
got involved, and I landed on cactuses.
PJ: We spent about an hour and a half in
front of the van lights yanking those
spines out. Dave, he’s injured, so he’s
drinking with a vengeance.
Dave: I was celebrating, man. It was the
fourth of July. Texas had fireworks for
hours. The vantage point we had, had the
horizon of Texas. You could see communities
competing with one another for
fireworks.
PJ: So, the next thing me and Will know,
the tent is getting kicked by this – seriously
– mirrored shade, mustachioed
dude named Tracey Furgeson. “Line up
in front of the van.”
Will: The man’s fighting off lifetimes
of insecurities.
PJ: Hoping that we’ll give him the
respect he needs so bad. Dave, at this
point, is handcuffed and shotgunned.
Very injured.
Will: I was sleeping in the van at the
time. I was looking at our friend
Tracey knocking on the window. I was
buried under some shit. I looked up and I
saw him, “Oh, goddamn, it’s the cops.”
Buried myself again. Then I kinda realized
he was still there, so I got up again.
He’s all, “Get out of the van!” So I got
up, stumbled out with no shoes, shirtless.
“What the fuck is going on?” Then I
snuck back into the van and took a piss in
a jug. But then the reality set in when I
saw Dave in the back of the white car.
PJ: We’re all lined up. They’re going to
ticket us for the beer. Lame ticket, whatever.
“You know that guy?” I see Dave
handcuffed, looking really bummed.
Shirtless. Haggard.
Dave: I was shirtless the whole night. We
got there, started the fire, shirts off.
Will: Shirts off, dudes on.
PJ: After the last time we saw him, he
took a spill on the road. This guy was
insinuating that we threw Dave out of the
van. “Oh, we’re driving our van around
this state park. Let’s throw Dave out for
fun.”
Dave: I threw myself places. I remember
being upside down. I remember my head
hurting and then remember my head
being wet.
Will: With blood.
Dave: It seemed to make sense at the
time. Trying to find campsite 127 and
then I was woken up with mirrored sunglasses
and a mustache.
Will: [in super cop voice] “That guy’s
injured. What happened?”
PJ: He fell into a cactus. “That’s not cactus
injuries. That’s road burn. What did
you guys do to him? You guys went to
sleep and left that guy in the middle of
the road.”
Will: The cop guy accused us of beating
Dave up, throwing him out of the van,
dragging him behind the van. Dave got
taken to jail in Colorado Springs, Texas.
Dave: I got to the cell and there’s a plate
with three sections. There’s a pile of
grits, jelly, and one of the biscuits had a
half corner already eaten out.
PJ: The guard was all, “Tuesday’s biscuits.
Hell yeah. I don’t give a shit about
him.”
Dave: As I’m getting fingerprinted:
“What’s the charge?” “Public intoxication.”
“Fair enough. You got me.”
Todd: Hair Beard Combo.
PJ: Bullshit.
Dave: I don’t have a hair beard combo.
Todd: There’s a band called Hair Beard
Combo.
PJ: Aaron (Lay of Billy Reese Peters)
and Will live with the Hair Bead Combo
and they’re both very angry
about it.
Will: I wouldn’t say I’m
angry about the Hair Beard
Combo. I’ve been exposed to
the Hair Beard Combo more
than anybody should. It’s a
thing and it’s something. I’ll
tell you that. It’s there and
there you go. Next question.
Aaron: It’s two dudes who
have this uncanny, weird
sense of how to write songs
in the sense that they write
songs about the most ridiculous,
stupid bullshit ever.
PJ: Like blowjobs.
Aaron: But the songs
fuckin’ rule and you listen to
them, and you’re like,
“These songs are fuckin’
awesome. I love these songs,
but, goddamn, I hate these
dudes because they’re so
obnoxious about having
these songs.” Does that make
sense? It’s a really sad thing
because Will and I live with
that. There’s been times
when we come home and
Will’s in the back yard,
throwing a stick for my dog,
Doyle. He’s freaked out and
all pissed off. I’m just like,
“What’s up, dude?”
Will: They’re the type of
guys, you’re hanging out –
“Man, I’m going to put on
this Elvis Costello record and
then this AC/DC record.”
“No, wait, let me put on this
CD.” And before AC/DC,
it’s the Hair Beard Combo.
PJ: For the millionth time they’ve listened
to it that night.
Todd: What’s the best sexual come-on
you’ve ever received? Does this ring any
bells – “I want to have the sex with your
homeless looking combo”?
Dave: I’ve actually got a really good one.
It was on my birthday. The actual quote
is, “You go finish puking and brush your
teeth, and I’ll be naked when you get
back to your room.” That’s a game winner.
And, when I get back to the room,
the Elmer record is playing. Songs of Sin
and Retribution.
Todd: Dave, when was the last time you
dressed as a leprechaun?
Dave: That was the filming for The
Revenge of the Leprechaun. I’ll send you
a copy.
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