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lecherous prick in the bar.<br />
"How's it going, big guy?"<br />
"Good to see you, Ryan," I say and introduce him to Jenny.<br />
His horny eyes scan Jenny's breasts. Jenny has a great pair of tits, which<br />
are pretty much wasted on me since I've never been a breast man. I have<br />
a theory about men who love breasts. I believe they're all sexually stunted,<br />
looking for mother figures to nurse their little needs. Ryan starts asking Jenny<br />
the standard what-do-you-do questions, his eyes roaming up and down, up<br />
and down. They start talking hot investments, economic forecasts, interest<br />
rates, and, as I always do when talk turns to business, I tune out. I look at<br />
the two women floating in the pool. I look at the people crowding the raw<br />
bar. I look at Steve's house, a large four-bedroom with a pool and a hot tub<br />
and expensive landscaping. I look at Steve, standing shirtless in his bathing<br />
suit, a few extra pounds around his gut, his hair thinning, his eyes tired from<br />
sixty-hour weeks.<br />
"So what about you, big guy?" Ryan says. "What's new with you?"<br />
I have a theory about men who call other men big guy. They're the same<br />
kind of men that love breasts too much.<br />
"Nothing new," I say.<br />
"So Steve's turning the big Four O. I hit that milestone last month. Forty<br />
fucking years old. We're not getting any younger, are we, big guy?"<br />
"Speak for yourself."<br />
"I'm speaking for all us old men," Ryan says and laughs. "So how's the<br />
acting going?"<br />
"Slow. I just did a showcase, which may get picked up by The Public<br />
Theatre."<br />
"Sounds good."<br />
"And he did a reading with Pacino," Jenny chimes in.<br />
"Al Pacino?" Ryan says. "Al "Godfather" Pacino? Al "Scarface" Pacino?<br />
That Al Pacino?"<br />
"That's right," I say. "That one."<br />
"Cool," Ryan says and suddenly I've got something he's more interested<br />
in than Jenny's tits. I've got a theory about men who are fascinated by celebrities.<br />
I've done extra work on close to one hundred films. I've seen just about<br />
every living actor who's made it. On the set, I've stood in the background of<br />
Russel Crowe, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, George Clooney, Sean Connery, Julia<br />
Roberts, Sharon Stone, Susan Sarandon. I literally bumped into Mel Gibson<br />
in one movie and sat at the same table as Dustin Hoffman in another. I rode<br />
a subway with Robert DeNiro and served a mini-quiche to Meryl Streep. I'm<br />
not impressed by stars. They're just people, not nearly as good looking in<br />
68 The Smell of Mortality
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