BeatRoute Magazine B.C. print e-edition - May 2016

COMEDY
BEEN THERE DONE THAT questionable advice from a comedian
Summer is so close I can almost taste Juice cleanses are supposedly all the no business working on my fitness.
the burnt hot dogs and cold beer. In all rage, it’s not strange to me at all that you If by now you’re offended, calm down
fairness though, we kind of just skip over
winter in Vancouver. Anyone who thinks we
don’t is a pansy and needs to be exiled to
the Prairies for a week in January, then we
can talk. The lack of snow and cold is why
when I wasn’t allowed to go back to California
I chose to live here instead. That and
the border cop who denied me lives in Vancouver
and I’m still seeking my vengeance.
It’s also almost time for us to stop
wearing layers of clothing and head to
the beach. Whether you’re keeping your
clothes on at Kits Beach or getting naked
at Wreck, you need to have what is known
as a “beach body” before you hit the sand.
Vancouverites are some of the most active
people in the world, but there are some,
like myself, who use the rainy months as a
time to stay in and catch up on every season
of Law and Order SVU that Netflix has to
offer. My inactivity is probably also what
has kept me single for the two years I’ve
lived here. I don’t have a yoga butt and my
idea of a good date involves a dive bar pub
crawl — not biking up Mount Seymour and
snowboarding down. This is the year I need
to get in shape for the beach and I have approximately
three weeks to do it! Here are
a few ways you can tone your tummy and
shape your glutes in time to sit in the sand.
forego food for up to a month and instead
fuel your body on lemonade and cayenne
pepper. I imagine the hot pepper running
through my body burning the evil fat while
I’m unable to move due to the lack of any
nutrients entering my body. This means
I will basically lose weight in my sleep,
this is the miracle I’ve been looking for. I
heard Beyoncé juiced for an entire month
leading up to filming Dreamgirls and she
only flew off the handle and was irritable
the entire time. Juice is what your body
needs in order for it to become smaller and
for you to become more of an asshole.
I’ve looked into CrossFit and Paleo;
both seem to be a great way to tone your
body and lose your current friend circle.
Which is totally fine, because then you
can head to the beach with your new
CrossFit family and eat the meat of a deer
that you hunted with a bow and arrow.
Yoga, the original exercise of the true
Vancouverite. Slap on a pair of those
$200 leggings and head down to a hot
studio to stretch and fart next to strangers.
I’m still not sure why I haven’t gone
to a yoga class yet, other than the fact
that it had been decreed by the lord of
Lululemon that a person of my size has
no business in their pants and therefore
and turn off your MacBook. You don’t need
to start your blog listing reasons why I’m
a terrible person and clearly don’t know
what I’m talking about. Do you really think
I’d forego a month of food to drink juice?
Hell no! What I’m trying to say is go to the
beach, no matter what your body looks like.
Enjoy the sand between your toes, jump
into the ocean and feel that salt water on
your bare skin. The first summer I lived
here a friend took me to Wreck Beach. I was
nervous, not just because the thought of
that many stairs terrified me, but because
I’m not a fan of keeping the lights on during
sex, let alone hanging out on a beach with
everything hanging out. The stairs weren’t
that bad and I’ve never felt more confident
than I did naked on that beach. So be
yourself, be healthy and move your body,
but also have fun and eat ice cream and
drink beer. If anyone gives you any guff,
know that deep down inside they’re starving
and haven’t eaten a burger not made of
rice flower and beans in years. Who’s the
gross one now? Love yourself and you’ll
always have the perfect beach bod.
Kathleen McGee has a podcast called Kathleen
McGee is a Hot Mess and you should listen
to it! Visit kathleenmcgee.ca for more.
by Kathleen McGee
24 COMEDY
May 2016