Agony and Ecstasy

23
Having learned all there is to learn about ill-will and hate, let
us now try to understand what it is in itself, not merely to see and
then avoid the harmful consequences. For, when we consider the
consequences of an act, whether it is to advantage or not, materially
or spiritually, thought is focussed on the result, and the act itself
becomes a mere instrument and means thereto.
When driving in with a hammer a nail in some wood, the concentration
is on the purpose of fixing that wood, for which purpose
the hammer is useful, But that does not provide any understanding
as to the nature of the hammer. In this example, of course, the
point at issue is not the hammer but the fixing, and so there is no
need to understand anything about the hammer apart from its utility.
Similarly, one may use action or a definite purpose, but that
can never provide understanding of that action. When this action
proves to be none but the individuality of the actor, it becomes of
the highest importance to understand this action, to see whether it
is being, used as an instrument by a separate actor, the I, whether
there is any actor apart from action, whether this action is free or
conditioned by motives, etc.
Now, what happens with the arising of a thought of hate or illwill?
There is obviously an aversion, that is, a turning away from
something which is disliked. Thus, to understand a feeling of ill-will,
there must be understanding of this tendency of aversion and dislike.
In short, why do I dislike something? Dislike is an emotion causing
one to turn away from something or somebody, because it is felt to
be disagreeable, either unsuitable in food or in climate or in opinion.
There is, therefore, a judgement made, based on comparison,
which is always of the new with the old. One meets with a situation,
and at once thought flashes back into the past, into memory, into
selected and favoured remembrances, all of which have contributed
to the building up of this individual ‘self’. There is no ‘I’ without
those memories, and the ‘I’ is therefore the sum-total of those
selected memories, mementos. Any new experience is now tested