1985-1986 Rothberg Yearbook

The Battle Is On!
I was sitting reading the NY Times Sunday Magazine the other
day, getting a small dose of culture, when I came upon an article
that struck my fancy. It was written by a Canadian, author
Mordechai Richler. The article was entitled “A Lost Cause” , and in
its title Richler succintly summarizes the fate of Canada. “Canadians,”
according to Richler, “not only expect but welcome failure” . “If
there is such a thing as poetic justice,” he continued, “the Titanic
would have been a Canadian liner, and we would have built the
Hindenburg as well as the Maginot line. Canadians count on failure
and luxuriate in ridicule.” The words of Richler ring true; indeed,
Canada is a “ country” associated with mediocrity, a landmass hiding
a goalies mask on the face o f the American team. Richler’s article
brought to mind a conversation I overheard between two OYPers
earlier this year. It went something like this:
JOE — I met a cute Canadian girl today.
BRIAN — That’s a contradiction in terms. Canada is an ugly country
hiding behind a pretty face to the South.
JOE — Yeh. Where is Canada anyhow? Isn’t it between Switzerland
and Austria?
BRIAN — No imbecile, it’s on NY’s northern border. I drove up to
Canada once. As soon as I crossed the border all the water
froze, and everyone was skating around, playing hockey and
drinking beer. The only thing I saw there besides hockey rinks
were miles and miles of lumber.
JOE — Oh yeh, aren’t they famous for the Maple trees?
BRIAN The Jewish National Fund had a great time there (for you
stupid people they are the ones who plant trees).
JOE — Yeh, it must take a lot of lumber to make hockey sticks for
everyone in Canada.
BRIAN — Are you kidding? If you count five hockey sticks for
every Canadian, that makes only ten sticks needed. Then again
that’s not counting the Reindeer.
JOE — Did you include Bob and Doug Mackeazie?
BRIAN —No, they’re just a couple of Hozers who hang out at Pizza
Hut.
JOE — Wait Brian, here she comes. This is the cute Canadian.
MARGARET — Wanna-down־a-brew — Hey Joe eh, I just spoke to
my Mum, eh, and my mum eh, she read me the headlines eh.
The lead story today eh was eh that Gretzky got a Hatrick, eh.
JOE — Didn’t you hear about the bombing of Libya?
MARGARET — Eh? It didn’t eh make the front page eh. Did eh,
Gretzky eh do it? Listen Joe, I eh have to run.
JOE — Why? Where are you going?
MARGARET — I have to go to Plattsburg to buy some Jeans. Eh?
BRIAN — Wow — am I glad she’s gone. She had awful walrus breath.
JOE — Who is this Gretzky fellow anyway?
BRIAN — What are you, shtupid? Gretzky, why he’s the G־d of
Canada. When I was there I drove past a church and instead of
a cross they had a picture of Gretzky. Instead of the
sacraments they had hockey pucks. All the churches there face
the Forum in Montreal.
JOE — Where do they get all these hockey players from anyhow?
BRIAN — They have hockey stud farms. Pretty soon Gretzky is
coming out to pasture. His offspring should bring quite a lot
o f dollars.
JOE — You mean real dollars or that Monopoly money Canadians
use?
BRIAN — What’s it worth now anyhow? I heard it’s worth as much
as the Israeli shekel. My G-d what a joke. I wonder what it’s
like to live somewhere where they have no real money. It
probably costs them three Canadian $ to buy a Coke.
JOE — They don’t need real money. They can’t count anyhow.
Look how many grades they have before college.
BRIAN — It is a mixed up country. They can’t even decide whether
to speak French or English. And for two years they have to go
to some place called CJAP.
JOE — To see JAPs in the US all you have to do is go to Long
Island. Speaking of JAPs, at least in the States we don’t shop
in some place named after Alex Haley’s relatives (for you total
imbeciles, Roots).
BRIAN — Actually, Canada is just like an America that hasn’t
matured yet. Soon though, as soon as they gain their
independence from England, they will become the 51st state.
JOE — Wasn’t there already a move for annexation?
BRIAN — It didn’t come about because N.Y. had enough suberbs as
it was and he US smells bad enough already with New Jersey.
JOE — Oh my goodness, it’s 4 :2 5 .1 have to get to the sociology of
after math of issues in the history and politics of the Middle
East Foundations o f Jewish Law.
BRIAN — Yeh, I’m going have to sleep, have Hebrew.
So it went. An intellectual discussion o f Canadian culture. But
seriously I can’t help loving all you Canadians, just like a foster
parent loves his abandoned foster child. After all, if it wasn’t for
Canada, what would Canadians decorate all their luggage with?
Andrew and Bart
(The Pride is Back)