1985-1986 Rothberg Yearbook

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Hozer Bound
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Hozer, according to Miriam Webster’s Collegiate
Dictionary, is one who is a native Canadian, Canadien, or
Canuck. However, it should be noted that this word is in
no way associated with “hose” or “hosiery” rather its
origins date way back to the tw entieth century.
There was a tim e when tw o cool Canadian dudes, Bob
and Doug Mackenzie (they are in no way related despite
the fact that they drink from the same beer bottle) got
together with an ingenious plan for Canada to annex the
United States and create an eleventh province. Eleven was
always their favorite number. Besides, they felt sorry for
all those underprivileged U.S. citizens who never encountered
the “Hozer Experience”. After many heated
debates and lengthy discussions, they concluded that the
term Canadian was not applicable to the new population
thus they agreed on “hozer”. (I think it was Doug’s idea.
It was the only word he could slur one night while he was
pissed drunk.) Obviously, Bob and Doug realized that
absorbing this backward civilization into the world of the
wonderful Klondike would be an extrem ely difficult task.
Therefore, being the understanding Canadian citizen that
I am, I have decided to publish the entry requirements to
Canada to help those poor Americans better integrate
into a society o f Molson Export and Labatt 50.
Actually, it ’s not that hard to becom e a hozer. I guess
the toughest part is the first stage, initiation. A recruit
must stand on his head, gargle with beer and sing the
Canadian national anthem (in French, of course). Once
passed, it’s easy street. However, when he fails even one
prerequisite it’s back to the beginning (most people don’t
mind though since it gives them a chance to practice this!
heavy duty beer drinking skills).
Potential hozers must also repeat the word “eh” after )
every sentence. This is an ESSENTIAL part o f hozerization j
and practically the only thing that distinguishes us from;
those (ugh!) Americans.
Hozer dress is quite simple. Main features are a ski hat
with the emblem o f your favorite hockey team, wom-in
steel toe construction boots, and, o f course, a beer in{
each hand (beers in back pockets are also permitted). All!
hozers must proudly proclaim their hozerhood to the rest I
o f the world and greet every foreigner hospitably with:
the traditional “hey man, ya wanna beer?” Lastly, all
hozers must avidly and openly support the election of i
Bob and Doug to the position of dual Prime Ministers. )
They promise to nationalize all breweries and make beer
the national food and drink. Also, the cost will be
subsidized at a very low cost so mothers can get thin kids
on the bottle at an early age.
Bob and Doug have had enormous success with their
brilliant plan. Americans, oops I mean hozers, are ecstatic
with their new identity. Commented one hozer after
finally passing initiation on his fifth try, “I feel like,
burp, a new man, eh”. Now that there’s been a steady
and successful influx of new hozers into Canada, these
people are determined to com plete the final stage of the
process: the art o f Belching.
Jennifer Shecter
The Fight Against Peace
WARNING: N o t every peace proposal is a “suspicious
object. ”
There’s the danger that some of us have becom e hardened
cynics during the year. The realities of the peace process,
which we have seen with our own eyes or contemplated
in a textbook, may have dulled our “idealism.” D on’t
forget — the possibilities are endless. D on’t give up on
peace. D on’t turn away from possible futures, before
you’re certain you don’t have anything to learn from
them. Y ou’re always free to change your mind and
choose a different future, or a different past.
Richard Bach