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24 / HABARI<br />
ESwatini’s Mlilwane Wildlife<br />
Sanctuary is the country’s<br />
oldest protected area. It<br />
covers 45.6 sq km.<br />
Column<br />
Swaziland changed its name to<br />
eSwatini on 19 April <strong>2018</strong>.<br />
Jackson Biko<br />
Too Much TV<br />
I’ve never been to New York. Everything I know about<br />
New York is from television, movies, books and Jay-Z. So<br />
when I think of New York, I think of people who bump into<br />
you on the street, and don’t say sorry. I think of the sitcom<br />
Friends. I think of subways where people don’t speak to each<br />
other, and some African guys wearing dashikis beat drums<br />
to folk who are wearing headphones. I think of small brick<br />
apartments that cost for a month what I pay in a year for my<br />
house. I think of their former mayor Rudy Giuliani with his<br />
wry foxy look and a shiny head that catches all the light in<br />
the room. When I think of New Yorkers, I imagine they all eat<br />
a lot of salad and steak done so rare it comes to the table<br />
still breathing.<br />
Writing this, in a quiet part of Nairobi on a Sunday<br />
afternoon, I can almost hear the constant sound of police<br />
sirens when I think of New York, and some Latino yellow-<br />
“Everybody drinks<br />
cocktails and drives<br />
on the wrong side of<br />
the road”<br />
cab driver shouting, “What the [deleted by editor]! You can’t<br />
smoke in my [deleted by ed.] car, buddy!” So yes, New York<br />
is loud.<br />
I don’t think I could live in New York because I don’t<br />
know how New Yorkers master all those streets: “Meet me on<br />
29th”; “The shop you are looking for is on the corner of 12th<br />
and 7th”; and, “There’s a fantastic new Portuguese coffee<br />
shop that has opened along West 15th Street”. Then of course<br />
everybody says, “block”, when explaining distances. “Two<br />
blocks down”, for example. And everybody drinks cocktails<br />
and drives on the wrong side of the road. (Maybe they drive<br />
on the wrong side of the road because they drink cocktails,<br />
I don’t know.)<br />
From the media, I know that once you’ve been to New<br />
York, you will have seen the best of the US, which raises<br />
the question: Will I not want to see Chicago after? Or<br />
Alabama? I don’t want New York to ruin it for Wisconsin,<br />
or me, because that’s a state in which I’m likely to meet my<br />
ginger-bearded doppelganger. The Brooklyn Bridge? It would<br />
be nice to see it, but I’m not dying to.<br />
But here’s the one thing that would absolutely make me<br />
want to go to New York (and this is going to sound mad).<br />
For some reason, I’ve always thought that if I visited New<br />
York, I would see Eva Mendes. I don’t even know which<br />
state Eva’s from, but in my head I’d spot her in the Big<br />
Apple when I’m in one of those cheesy hop-on, hop-off buses.<br />
She’d be walking down Fifth Avenue carrying a red designer<br />
bag, wearing a summer dress, and sporting sunglasses that<br />
almost add anonymity to her beautiful face. I’d shout,<br />
“Eva! Eva! It’s me!” Then, like a New Yorker, I’d shout for<br />
the driver to, “Stop the [deleted by ed.] bus!” And then I’d<br />
hop off and run.<br />
But I hope that when I see her, she won’t be with<br />
that guy. What’s his name? The guy she has children with,<br />
Ryan Gosling. That will completely ruin my New York<br />
experience. Actually, I wouldn’t want to see Ryan Gosling<br />
anywhere because then I will think of Eva, and why she gave<br />
him children, because he’s so cliché with his symmetrical face<br />
and movie-star looks (no jealousy here).<br />
Eva, if you’re reading this from New York, I’m free<br />
to travel as soon as you send me a smoke signal from<br />
Central Park.<br />
Illustration: Hannah Wieslander
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