Movement 124
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Da Vinci consPiracY?<br />
Well, this summer I eventuallY<br />
gave in and waded through Dan<br />
"Brown's turg,id nonsense-fest lhe<br />
DaVinci Code.lt was either that<br />
or try to get worked uP about the<br />
World Cup, and red and white<br />
just aren't mY colours.<br />
I love the strange determination<br />
which some Christians<br />
have to provide free marketing<br />
for things they disapprove of. lt's<br />
hard to see how the film - which<br />
apparently manages to remove<br />
the few elements of plot and<br />
excitement that keep the book<br />
moving - could have succeeded<br />
without the free publicity of being<br />
condemned by the church.<br />
My favourite response was a<br />
scratchcard handed out in cinemas<br />
showing the film, which lists a<br />
number of the claims made<br />
by Dan Brown, asks you<br />
to say whether they're true<br />
or false (well gee, can you<br />
guess?), then instructs you to go<br />
to a church and find out more.<br />
I can't think of anything more<br />
likely to make people think, A-<br />
hal lf the church is so desperate<br />
to deny all this, maybe there's<br />
something in it after all. Shame<br />
the film was so crap, though.'<br />
Blair to Muslims: 'l'm<br />
right, so there'<br />
It's hard to believe these days that<br />
Tony Blair ever had even a nodding<br />
acquaintance with what the<br />
rest of us call reality. For a long<br />
time, though, he's soldiered on in<br />
his frankly weird belief that he's<br />
riglrt about everything, regardless<br />
of annoying inconveniences like<br />
democracy, evidence or common<br />
sense.<br />
It seems, though, that he's finally<br />
got a bit peeved about being the<br />
only one who understands. This<br />
summer, he told moderate Muslims<br />
that it's not enough to oppose<br />
terrorists' methods - they have to<br />
oppose their ideas too, and their<br />
'completely false sense of grievance<br />
against the West'. ln other<br />
words, 'it's not enough to oppose<br />
terrorism, you have to agree with<br />
my policies too'.<br />
So, Tony, does this apply to non-<br />
Muslims too? Do we all have to<br />
toe the line and admit that you<br />
were rightallalong, or is it justthe<br />
I<br />
brown people who have to watch<br />
out for your thought police?<br />
Competition<br />
It appears that, for the first time,<br />
I have some competition in this<br />
'biblical figures writing satirical<br />
columns' lark. About time too, is<br />
all I can say. lt's almost as lonely<br />
in this business as I imagine il<br />
must be to be Tony Blair.<br />
So, it seems that the Cood Lord<br />
Jesus Christ himself has got himself<br />
a slice of the pie. His article<br />
appeared in a satirical online<br />
magazine called lhe Onion in<br />
June. (l have to confess I feel a<br />
certain superiority in that / appear<br />
in good old-fashioned print.)<br />
His article is a rant about a car<br />
mechanic who's apparently got<br />
up Our Lord's nose. He suggests<br />
that his universal forgiveness may<br />
not extend to this particular individual,<br />
telling him 'Find a new<br />
Messiaqic redeemer'.<br />
I wait vtrith bated breath to see<br />
who else"will join myself and the<br />
Saviour in our forays into publishing.<br />
Can you see Muhamnrad<br />
as a film critic, perhaps? Or the<br />
Buddha reviewi ng restaurants?<br />
What larks!<br />
l'm a little behind the times<br />
on this one, but I feel it merits<br />
,<br />
comment anyway...<br />
Last December, the Athletics<br />
Union from the London School<br />
of Economics got a bit out<br />
of control on its annual<br />
'Barrel', invaded the<br />
campus of King's<br />
College, and did<br />
f30,000's worth of<br />
damage.<br />
What I Iiked about<br />
this was the press<br />
statements made<br />
afterwards. The LSE<br />
union described the<br />
vandals as a 'splinter<br />
group/, while the<br />
King's people called<br />
them a 'drunken and<br />
chantirrg horde'.<br />
Funny how one's<br />
perspective alters<br />
things, isn't it?<br />
Even better,<br />
an LSE<br />
spokesperson<br />
said, 'The Barrel is<br />
intended to be a light<br />
hearted end ofterm event<br />
and we are enormously disappointed<br />
that this was not the<br />
case this year.' Because of course,<br />
sports students are normally very<br />
polite and restrained at their endof-term<br />
drinkathons.<br />
Kapow! (God willing)<br />
This May saw the publication of<br />
the first in a line of Teshkeel comics,<br />
which follow the exploits of<br />
99 Muslim superheroes, each<br />
embodying one of the virtues of<br />
Allah. They wear tights like Western<br />
superheroes, although at least<br />
one of them has a burka too.<br />
I think this is a great idea, and<br />
Christianity should have its own<br />
superhero comic. I can just see<br />
the special powers: Bread and<br />
Fish Man, Water into Wine Cirl.<br />
The Cadarene Swine could become<br />
a scary supervillain. The<br />
only concern is that'turning the<br />
other cheek' might make all the<br />
fight scenes a bit one-sided. O<br />
I love<br />
the way<br />
certain<br />
elements<br />
in the<br />
church<br />
like to<br />
provide<br />
free<br />
marketingl<br />
for things<br />
they<br />
disapprove<br />
of<br />
movement 31<br />
t<br />
^-,<br />
o<br />
o<br />
o'<br />
fi