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Movement 124

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Da Vinci consPiracY?<br />

Well, this summer I eventuallY<br />

gave in and waded through Dan<br />

"Brown's turg,id nonsense-fest lhe<br />

DaVinci Code.lt was either that<br />

or try to get worked uP about the<br />

World Cup, and red and white<br />

just aren't mY colours.<br />

I love the strange determination<br />

which some Christians<br />

have to provide free marketing<br />

for things they disapprove of. lt's<br />

hard to see how the film - which<br />

apparently manages to remove<br />

the few elements of plot and<br />

excitement that keep the book<br />

moving - could have succeeded<br />

without the free publicity of being<br />

condemned by the church.<br />

My favourite response was a<br />

scratchcard handed out in cinemas<br />

showing the film, which lists a<br />

number of the claims made<br />

by Dan Brown, asks you<br />

to say whether they're true<br />

or false (well gee, can you<br />

guess?), then instructs you to go<br />

to a church and find out more.<br />

I can't think of anything more<br />

likely to make people think, A-<br />

hal lf the church is so desperate<br />

to deny all this, maybe there's<br />

something in it after all. Shame<br />

the film was so crap, though.'<br />

Blair to Muslims: 'l'm<br />

right, so there'<br />

It's hard to believe these days that<br />

Tony Blair ever had even a nodding<br />

acquaintance with what the<br />

rest of us call reality. For a long<br />

time, though, he's soldiered on in<br />

his frankly weird belief that he's<br />

riglrt about everything, regardless<br />

of annoying inconveniences like<br />

democracy, evidence or common<br />

sense.<br />

It seems, though, that he's finally<br />

got a bit peeved about being the<br />

only one who understands. This<br />

summer, he told moderate Muslims<br />

that it's not enough to oppose<br />

terrorists' methods - they have to<br />

oppose their ideas too, and their<br />

'completely false sense of grievance<br />

against the West'. ln other<br />

words, 'it's not enough to oppose<br />

terrorism, you have to agree with<br />

my policies too'.<br />

So, Tony, does this apply to non-<br />

Muslims too? Do we all have to<br />

toe the line and admit that you<br />

were rightallalong, or is it justthe<br />

I<br />

brown people who have to watch<br />

out for your thought police?<br />

Competition<br />

It appears that, for the first time,<br />

I have some competition in this<br />

'biblical figures writing satirical<br />

columns' lark. About time too, is<br />

all I can say. lt's almost as lonely<br />

in this business as I imagine il<br />

must be to be Tony Blair.<br />

So, it seems that the Cood Lord<br />

Jesus Christ himself has got himself<br />

a slice of the pie. His article<br />

appeared in a satirical online<br />

magazine called lhe Onion in<br />

June. (l have to confess I feel a<br />

certain superiority in that / appear<br />

in good old-fashioned print.)<br />

His article is a rant about a car<br />

mechanic who's apparently got<br />

up Our Lord's nose. He suggests<br />

that his universal forgiveness may<br />

not extend to this particular individual,<br />

telling him 'Find a new<br />

Messiaqic redeemer'.<br />

I wait vtrith bated breath to see<br />

who else"will join myself and the<br />

Saviour in our forays into publishing.<br />

Can you see Muhamnrad<br />

as a film critic, perhaps? Or the<br />

Buddha reviewi ng restaurants?<br />

What larks!<br />

l'm a little behind the times<br />

on this one, but I feel it merits<br />

,<br />

comment anyway...<br />

Last December, the Athletics<br />

Union from the London School<br />

of Economics got a bit out<br />

of control on its annual<br />

'Barrel', invaded the<br />

campus of King's<br />

College, and did<br />

f30,000's worth of<br />

damage.<br />

What I Iiked about<br />

this was the press<br />

statements made<br />

afterwards. The LSE<br />

union described the<br />

vandals as a 'splinter<br />

group/, while the<br />

King's people called<br />

them a 'drunken and<br />

chantirrg horde'.<br />

Funny how one's<br />

perspective alters<br />

things, isn't it?<br />

Even better,<br />

an LSE<br />

spokesperson<br />

said, 'The Barrel is<br />

intended to be a light<br />

hearted end ofterm event<br />

and we are enormously disappointed<br />

that this was not the<br />

case this year.' Because of course,<br />

sports students are normally very<br />

polite and restrained at their endof-term<br />

drinkathons.<br />

Kapow! (God willing)<br />

This May saw the publication of<br />

the first in a line of Teshkeel comics,<br />

which follow the exploits of<br />

99 Muslim superheroes, each<br />

embodying one of the virtues of<br />

Allah. They wear tights like Western<br />

superheroes, although at least<br />

one of them has a burka too.<br />

I think this is a great idea, and<br />

Christianity should have its own<br />

superhero comic. I can just see<br />

the special powers: Bread and<br />

Fish Man, Water into Wine Cirl.<br />

The Cadarene Swine could become<br />

a scary supervillain. The<br />

only concern is that'turning the<br />

other cheek' might make all the<br />

fight scenes a bit one-sided. O<br />

I love<br />

the way<br />

certain<br />

elements<br />

in the<br />

church<br />

like to<br />

provide<br />

free<br />

marketingl<br />

for things<br />

they<br />

disapprove<br />

of<br />

movement 31<br />

t<br />

^-,<br />

o<br />

o<br />

o'<br />

fi

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