Experimental PDF flip book = Journal

from the onset with the mention of his strange garb and huge build. Dialogue between
Kurt and Darrel intensifies as the story progresses and this contributes to and maintains the
increasing pace and darkening tone, so well done.
The plotting is good and the 3 Act structure builds the fear factor satisfactorily at each of the
two turning points in the story.
The most obvious flaws in you script is the extensive use of exposition, which indicates that
work on Action lines and Descriptions needs attention. You have presented clear images of
the protagonist and antagonist but descriptions of BOSS, CHUBBY and PONYTAIL are
needed.
Flashback 2 in particular is entirely exposition, so will benefit from a rewrite that uses
conventions of the screenwriting craft – the aim is economy of words. This scene as a
Montage will ensure brief, precise and visual writing and eliminate the prose.
Additionally there is a need to change Progressive Present Tense so that the script, as is
scriptwriting convention is done entirely in Present Tense.
With the elimination of lengthy slabs of unnecessary flashback the script will better
maintain its pace as it moves from the climax into the resolution – a great twist at the end.
This draft presents a solid foundation on which to move forward with alterations that will
tighten up the story and add to the audience’s engagement and intrigue. It’s a gripping ten
minute of filmic tension.
First page changes that will hasten the pace and better show your understanding
and capability of the script writing craft are as follows:-
She quickly shuts the door. - SLAM, the door shuts.
Kurt turns and briskly makes his way to the next house. – There are several ways to
improve this Action. If Kurt walks in a rush away from the house we understand he
has to turn, therefore turn is redundant.
- Kurt walks down the path.
He knocks on the door – this is a NEW SCENE.
Eventually is not a visual description - show the time delay by Kurt’s actions.
Something like this might work for you –
Kurt gazes about.
He looks at his watch.
The door creeks open.
…it cracks open a bit. A BEARDED MAN presents.....the crack.