Experimental PDF flip book = Journal

Feedback – Lily Drummond, May 2020.
Hi Lily this is a very expressive, true to life story told with compassion and at a
punchy pace. It is most definitely worth developing further. I like how you reflect on
the bullying and then emphasise through the characters that difference is not bad
even though some people like to impose guilt on others for being/or trying to be true
to themselves. The tensions are believable as is the dialogue between young adults.
You have made good observation of life situations – and have written them into
Birdies’ Story with sensitive expression, and along with Hanna’s involvement which
sets up conflict and ongoing tensions the story demands viewers’ attention.
I’ve made bubble comments throughout the script, but realize you might have
already made these changes. Anyway, it’s convenient of me to make tracking
changes like I have rather than just explaining my thoughts to you and they add to
what I’m writing here. The 3 Act Structure is an appropriate choice for this Coming
of Age drama.
I wasn’t sure about Theodore’s prosthetic limb or the impact you want it to have, so
an audience might be unsure too. The Theme – “We learn from the past especially
when we see others making the same mistakes.” is a thread you have successfully
woven throughout the story.
I have also written quite a bit about the creative writing opportunities you are
missing, by just writing “beat”, which takes away the natural expressive decisions the
actors might want to make. See the last page so you realize where my comments
are coming from. Think about what the audience see happening during the silence
and write it instead of “beat”, which should only be used sparingly in a spec script if
at all. This will further enhance your writing.
Your plot points and turning points are consistent with a sound 3 act structure and
your story idea is fresh. Over all, I think you have an authentic story with moves
forward at a nice tempo. I am keenly waiting to see where you take it from here. I’m
really looking forward to the next read!
Additional Thoughts
Hi Lily – Just a few additional thoughts that will enhance your amazing story. I really enjoyed
the tempo and liveliness of the characters and your creative flowing writing style. I think you
can enhance it more if you delete the use of “Beat”. Instead I believe you ‘ll be able to think
about and write actions that might happen during silences.
Some References you might be able to use: -
Beats –
Best to follow David Trottier’s Advice for scriptwriter, because in his opinion the
word “beat” “is the most colourless, lifeless term you can use to indicate a pause”. P.
211.