Experimental PDF flip book = Journal

Script University
Script Reading Certificate Program
Stephanie Wotzke
Session 8:- Assignment
Session 8: -
Assignment: -“Finding
Work as a Script Reader “
EMAIL
COVER LETTER
CV
SAMPLE:-
COVERAGE
DOCUMENTS

Application Email – From: Stephanie Wotzke
To: Mr Brian O’Malley, Screenplay Readers. Email Dated: June 17 th , 2021.

Manager and Founder,
Mr Brian O’Malley,
Screenplay Readers,
Script Notes, Script Coverage & Consultation.
Dear Brian,
I would like to be considered for a Script Reader position with Sceenplay Readers and I am
able to commit to the minimum of 1 script per week in line with requirements of your firm.
I have recently participated in Script University’s “Scriptreading Certificate Program”, where
I received positive feedback on my capability as an astute and sympathetic script reader. It
was noted by the tutor that my critique in the course on “The Devil’s Edge” gave “Excellent
suggestions. Very, very helpful to the writer”.
Please find this particular coverage, along with five other examples of feedback I have given
other Scriptwriters and potential Scriptwriters in the Sample Package attached to this
application. These samples are: - coverage for three feature film scripts early drafts, and
constructive appraisal of two short film concepts.
The latter two writers were clearly less proficient with character development, story
structure and script protocols. Although I critiqued the clarity of the story and theme, I also
made suggestions about formatting for their writing journeys forward.
Having knowledge of the writer/reader relationship both as an Academic subject at
Swinburne University, as a teacher and in practice with Creative writers and Scriptwriters, I
am aware of the sensitive nature of appraising writer’s works. Therefore, I ensure that my
comments are objective, balanced and helpful. I aim to support Scriptwriters in the
development of their stories, plots, characters and character’s interpersonal relationships,
to best generate story tensions at a steady pace towards the denouement.
I will bring to this role effective, accurate writing skills; a creative, innovative and analytical
mindset and understanding of the mechanics of screenwriting. As demonstrated in my past
roles as an educator and counsellor I have excellent organizational skills and the capability
of establishing and maintaining sound professional relationships with management and
colleagues, which I will to bring to Screenplay Readers for the benefit of clients.
My disposition and educational philosophy mirrors the high standard of dependability and
the ethical stance your firm has established and maintains to ensure high levels of client
satisfaction.
I look forward to hearing from you at your earlies convince.
Kind regards,
Stephanie Wotzke.

STEPHANIE WOTZKE
8 Ruth Court, Modbury, South Australia
Email: - swotzke@internode.on.net
Phone: - 0417 838 839
Objective: To establish a professional relationship within the Film Industry by aligning
my eclectic writing skills and experiences - to read, appraise and give constructive fee
back to writers and scriptwriters through my knowledge of storytelling and capability of
establishing and maintaining positive interpersonal relationship with creatives.
“Film has dream, film has music. No form of art goes beyond ordinary consciousness as film does,
straight to our emotions, deep into the twilight room of the soul”. Ingmar Bergman
Personal Strengths: -
Sound organizational and time management
skills.
Excellent Interpersonal &
communication/relationship skills.
Ability to deliver/receive constructive
educational/creative feedback and
knowing its value in transverse ideas
generation and creative development.
Well-developed academic research skills that
support factual and creative prose across
text media platforms and prompt
innovative, diverse thinking.
Sound command of spoken and written
English.
Understanding of the impact of visual language
– environmental, staging, body distancing,
gestures and semiotics in the transference
of information.
Knowledge of the impact of text
communication bridges between writer
and reader establishing and maintaining
professional relationships.
Dedication and proven track-record in the craft
of writing & creativity
Understanding of auditory and visual language
– a catalyst to emotional responses in text
and filmic communication.
Knowledge of Literary and Filmic Theories and
their application in the development,
enhancement and diversification of
storytelling.
Researched and sound understanding of
societal constructs and their collective
psychological impact on major
communities and subgroups.
Knowledge of artefacts as both historical
records of past cultural experiences and
as influences on the creation and
development of new artistic works across
all media.
Professional experience, abilities and
qualifications (to Masters level in all areas
independently):- The Arts; Education;
Social Sciences and Creative Writing.
“Everything starts with writing. And then to support your vision, your ideas, your philosophy, your
jokes, whatever, you’ve gotta perform them and/or direct them, or sometimes just produce them.” –
Mel Brooks.
1

Professional Experience – Film Industry:-
2019 – P.E.A.C.E – Education Film Series (Dir. Amanda Phillips), Felicity Arts &
Flinders University co-production. Educational Film Series promoting anti-Bullying
distributed as a digital resource throughout Schools.
Role: Script Edit consultant (contributing to the facts and flow of the 4 x
monologues), and on-set Wellbeing programme advisor for 35 actors (between ages
of 7-19).
Participant Online Webinar: In My Blood it Runs, June 2020.
Attendee: - Screenmakers’ Conference, Adelaide 2019 –
Selected by 3 Producers to pitch.
Participant: London Screenwriters Festival.
Attendee Online: - WeAreOne Global Film Festival, May 29 th -June7th, 2020.
Attendee Online: - GIFF (Global Indie Film Festival).
Online tutorials with Professor Eric Edson – (Academic, Scriptwriter, Producer,
Director, Author). 2019 Workshop – Story Structure, Sequences, Plot Development.
Online Zoom Workshop June 30 th , with Karel Segars – (Consultant, Writer, Producer,
The Story Department and www.Logline.it), Immersive Screenwriting.
Online Tutorials – Numerous, Karel Segars 2019 - 2020. Writing Loglines, Pitching.
Film Extra – Playing Beatie Beau – South Australian Film Corporation, Robbery Under
Arms, South Australian Film Corporation.
Script Reading & Critical Feedback Experiences: -
A. Atwood, The Devil’s Edge, 2021 Short Film Script, USA.
M. Zampeli, Lady of the Sea, 2019-2020 Treatment and Feature Film Script,
UK/Greece.
Ala’a A Qaisi, La Vache Qui Rit (The Laughing Cow), 2019-2020 Treatment and
Feature Film Script, Jordan.
L. Drummond, Point of Sale, 2020 Feature Film Script, Australia (Adelaide).
J. Thompson, Barebones, 2020 In development - Concept/Outline.
D. Arendolff, The Perfect World, 2020 Feature Film Script, South Africa.
Professional Development in the Film Industry: -
Script University, 2021: - Script Reading Certificate Program with Brian O’Malley.
Script University, 2021: - The Nitty Gritty of Spec Scripts – Writing Strong Action and
Dialogue with David Trottier.
Script University, 2021: - Proper Formatting Technique – Formatting made Easy with
David Trottier
Completed - Cinelab, 2021 – Writing for Film: Story Structures, Descriptions, Action,
Dialogue. (10 hrs), with Ezequiel Rubin.
Completed – Cinelab, 2021 – Writing for Television: Pilots, Script Structure, Story
development, Episodes, Log Lines, Synopsis, Dialogue. (10 hrs) with Ezequiel Rubin.
Australian Writers Guild & Mercury Cinema, Screenmakers Conference: July 2021.
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Completed - Philosophy in Story Masterclass, 2020 – (10 hours) Theme, Plot,
Characterisation, Misconceptions of 3 Act Structures with John Truby.
Completed WIFT – “Film Industry - Survive and Thrive”, 2020 – Online Workshop;
Selected for participation in the “Making it Possible”, 2019 Conference in
conjunction with The Media Resource Centre, Adelaide, SA Film Corporation.
Screenwriters’ University 2019: Outline & Act 1 Feature Film, Ralph Di Bacco;
Story Development George Yanok, 2019;
Christopher Vogler & Michael Hauge, course - Heroes’ Journey, 2019.
Facebook Groups/Contacts – Participatory member:-
Women in Telly, Private Group.
Women in Film and Television, Public Group.
Australian Film Industry, Public Group.
Australian Filmmakers Society, Private Group.
Loglines American Screenwriters Ass, Public Group - Administrator,
Patrick James Joyce.
Logline Central Public Group - Administrator, Jon Crowe.
Adelaide Screenwriter’s Club - Administrator, Jonathan Champ.
Raindance - Raindance Film Studies, Private Group.
WIFT, Making it Possible 27.11.2019, Private Group.
“Film has dream, film has music. No form of art goes beyond ordinary consciousness as film does,
straight to our emotions, deep into the twilight room of the soul”. Ingmar Bergman
Education:
2018-Current – MA in Filmmaking Writing with Raindance (Part time)
Raindance & DeMontfort University. UK.
2014 – 2016: Swinburne University of Technology, Master of Arts (Creative Writing)
(D = Academic Distinction awarded; HD = Academic High Distinction awarded )
Critical Friends & Real/ Virtual Support – D
Real Life Writing – HD
Research for Writers – D
Reading and Writing – HD
Writing and Praxis Publication Folio A – HD
Writing History: People, Places and Times – D
The Creative Artefact research – HD
Journalism – HD
Online Writing – D
Script Adaptation: Stage Screen/Multimedia - HD
Critical & Creative Practices –Writing Feedback– HD
Script Writing – HD
Major Research – Research and 20,000 words Creative Writing Narratives
Researched and wrote a collection of short stories for children aged 8-12 years and Young Adults.
Stories align with the Australian English Curriculum, so books can be used in schools in literacy based
programs or in counselling to promote reading engagement and support Social Skills Development.
“Making people believe the unbelievable is no trick; it’s work. … Belief and reader absorption come
in the details: An overturned tricycle in the gutter of an abandoned neighborhood can stand for
everything”. Stephen King
3

Academic Qualifications:-
2014 – Macquarie University Online - The Making of Australia (from multiple perspectives)
2010 - University of Cambridge – CELTA, English for Speakers of Other Languages, teaching Adults.
2010 – English Language School of Australia – Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages
certificate IV (TESOL)
2003 – 2004: University of South Australia, Master of Social Science (Counselling)
1992-2002: The University of Adelaide, Master of Educational Studies
Major Research. Qualitative Study - 33,000 words - Distinction.
“An exploration of educational outcomes, as assessed by parents/caregivers of students with
intellectual/multiple disabilities”. – Academic Social Research: - A study of Four parents with
children with intellectual and physical disabilities who discussed their evaluation of educational
practises from Reception–Yr12.
1988-1992: The University of South Australia, Bachelor of Education, Secondary Art & Design
Publications:
“Mementos” – Australian Catholic University Prize for Poetry, “Joy” collected works, 2017.
“Eliciting Values through Verbal Prompting In the Counselling Arena.”
Peer review publication available at:-
http://www.acrjournal.com.au/resources/assets/journals/Volume-4-Issue-1-
2008/Wotzke_peer_reviewed.pdf
Presenter - Asia Pacific Inaugural Conference for Counsellors, Hong Kong 2008
TEACHING REGISTRATION: Registration No. 576511, which includes clearance of all Police Checks,
Mandatory Notification Training and First Aid.
Professional Experience in Education:-
2019 – University of South Australia – Curriculum/Resource Development for The Arts Tertiary
Undergraduates- Collaborative participation.
1993 – 2018: Specialist Teaching Roles: - Visual Arts, Design, Performing Arts and Film Studies -
Department of Education and Child Development (DECD) Children & Adolescence.
Additional Teaching Roles: - English as a Second Language Teacher, School Counsellor, Remedial
Teaching, Australian History, Classroom teacher - Yrs. Rec-1 ,1/2. Seniors 13-18. years old.
2008 – 2012: The University of Adelaide, Department of Professionals and Continuing Education
Contract and Seasonal work, Year 11-12 Study Skills Programs -
Focus on Academic Writing, English expression, Comprehension, Verbal expression with special
attention to ESL (English as a Second Language) students - study skill strategies.
Memberships: -
Australian Writers’ Guild;
Australian Counselling Association;
South Australian Writers’ Centre.
Referee:-
Ms Amanda Phillips
Director & Creative Producer, Felicity Arts
Email: amanda@felicityarts.com.au
Phone 0434 988 628
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Script Reader -
At Screenplay Reader
Application:
Applicant : -
Stephanie Wotzke
Application Package includes: -
Applicant’s CV
Sample Coverage Documents
A. Atwood, The Devil’s Edge, 2021
Short Film Script, USA.
M. Zampeli, Lady of the Sea, 2019-
2020 Treatment and Feature Film
Script, UK/Greece.
Ala’a A Qaisi, La Vache Qui Rit (The
Laughing Cow), 2019-2020
Treatment and Feature Film Script,
Jordan.
L. Drummond, Point of Sale, 2020
Feature Film, Australia (Adelaide).
J. Thompson, Barebones, 2020 In
development - Concept/Outline.

Devil’s Edge
A Short – Horror/Action film.
Written by Adrian Atwood.
Reader’s Notes by Stephanie Wotzke.
Adrian, your short story Horror Film script is suspenseful with an unexpected twist in the
end. It sustains a good pace and provokes audience’s expectation throughout the story as a
result of the tensions you have developed. It gets straight into the action after a brief
introduction to the Protagonist, Kurt in his usual and soon to change world.
The 3 Acts are clearly defined. Your transition into Act 2 commences as Kurt enters the
littered driveway of an isolated house and is fronted by Darrel at the door. Your description
of Darrel immediately grabs readers’ attention and provokes curiosity.
Ongoing interactions between Kurt and Darrel builds well, particularly due to the Dialogue
between them and the frustration of not being able to open the duffle bag. Cause and effect
actions are clear through conflict between Protagonist Kurt and Antagonist Darrell. Hints of
Kurt’s threatening situation, p2., Darrel’s comment he might “lose [his] hospitality” and the
knives being branded Devil Knives introduce the fear factor.
The setting, the gloominess and large secluded house together with the jump scares, and
flashbacks maintain the conventions and expectations of Horror Films. The theme which I
interpret as something like “Beware the devil who strikes when the chance is ripe”, is
demonstrated throughout the story.
Following Flashback 3. on pages 7- 8, the unexpected twist reveals Kurt to be a killer with
the capability of overcoming Darrel’s vicious onslaught. It’s, success for the Protagonist and
relief for the audience. However, compared with your first two flashbacks, the third one
wanders somewhat off track and would benefit by deleting much of rambling dialogue
between Ponytail and Chubby. It’s your script story you intend to share with viewers, not
Ponytail’s and Chubby’s past history. This throws audiences out of the story.
Flashback 1. on page 5. is a terrifying. Your script here and throughout will improve by
deleting all exposition, minimizing the description and removing camera directions. Two
things - You are missing the opportunity to place this incident into the timeframe of Darryl’s
murderous onslaughts and you don’t clearly identify him as the obsessed killer. This could
be rectified by, by naming the character YOUNG/YOUNGER DARREL rather than just TH
KILLER. Either of the alternative names will reflect a place in time and clearly convey who
this character actually is. If the audience realize this flashback character is actually Darrel,
they will become more fearful for Kurt. Remember, consistency with characters’ names is
essential and so once you have ascribed names, in any script, characters need to be
consistently call that allotted name and not the “nickname”. This prevents writerly
confusion especially when the film is cast.
The characters are good. Kurt especially shows his duel personality. Darrel is sufficiently
mysterious and becomes increasingly threatening. You have introduced his irregular traits

from the onset with the mention of his strange garb and huge build. Dialogue between
Kurt and Darrel intensifies as the story progresses and this contributes to and maintains the
increasing pace and darkening tone, so well done.
The plotting is good and the 3 Act structure builds the fear factor satisfactorily at each of the
two turning points in the story.
The most obvious flaws in you script is the extensive use of exposition, which indicates that
work on Action lines and Descriptions needs attention. You have presented clear images of
the protagonist and antagonist but descriptions of BOSS, CHUBBY and PONYTAIL are
needed.
Flashback 2 in particular is entirely exposition, so will benefit from a rewrite that uses
conventions of the screenwriting craft – the aim is economy of words. This scene as a
Montage will ensure brief, precise and visual writing and eliminate the prose.
Additionally there is a need to change Progressive Present Tense so that the script, as is
scriptwriting convention is done entirely in Present Tense.
With the elimination of lengthy slabs of unnecessary flashback the script will better
maintain its pace as it moves from the climax into the resolution – a great twist at the end.
This draft presents a solid foundation on which to move forward with alterations that will
tighten up the story and add to the audience’s engagement and intrigue. It’s a gripping ten
minute of filmic tension.
First page changes that will hasten the pace and better show your understanding
and capability of the script writing craft are as follows:-
She quickly shuts the door. - SLAM, the door shuts.
Kurt turns and briskly makes his way to the next house. – There are several ways to
improve this Action. If Kurt walks in a rush away from the house we understand he
has to turn, therefore turn is redundant.
- Kurt walks down the path.
He knocks on the door – this is a NEW SCENE.
Eventually is not a visual description - show the time delay by Kurt’s actions.
Something like this might work for you –
Kurt gazes about.
He looks at his watch.
The door creeks open.
…it cracks open a bit. A BEARDED MAN presents.....the crack.

Better to show audiences the man’s personality/reaction rather than his description,
because that’s what’s important to the story – say something to show he’s irritable
/bad tempered. How does he look out? – He GROWLS/MUMBLES and peeks out.
Kurt takes the rejection in (his) stride = exposition – Say how will the audience see
this emotion?
Kurt arrives is redundant. If he stands at a driveway we know he’s arrived.
The description of the house and surrounds can be described some thing like: -
A forest lines the roadway towards an isolated house.
The para. commencing garbage of all kinds is a new camera angle and must be
written as a NEW SCENE.
Readers will know Kurt has walked to the house.
Then reduce the exposition to something like: -
Kurt stands in front of a shabby door.
Ferocious BARKS. Kurt is gazes about. The door opens.
Kurt forces a smile.
Preparing to smile as you have written isn’t visible – Kurt either smiles or he doesn’t.
“DARREL, 40, a mountain of a man, wearing garments constructed exclusive from
ANIMAL PELTS…”
Replace wearing with wears. (“ing”verbs - The present progressive tense is used
for an ongoing action in the present”. Eg. When Kurt stands at the door he’s
expecting to enter, not continue to stand there.)
I suggest you make the following tense alterations throughout the script.
p 2 is jiggling it a bit - Kurt jiggles it a bit.
p2 leaving the door open – the door stays open.
p 6 looking over his collection - looks over his collection.
p 7 is chatting with CHUBBY - chats with CHUBBY.
p 8 admiring his collection - admires his collection.
p 8 …Kurt brandishing - Kurt brandishes
p 9
Darrel, clutching his …. - Darrel clutches…
p 9 Darrel is closing in,….. - Darrel closes in
p 9 clutching his face and waving a knife - He clutches his face. He waves a knife.

Adrian, I can see you are keen to include emotion into the text and story and you’re on the
way to achieving this in writing for film. The challenge comes with writing visually which you
do well in a narrative form but need to show in writing for film.
Alternative ways to express and intensify or describe actions by using more impactful verbs
is necessary in scriptwriting. This will enable you to delete adverbs – words ending in “ly”. As
a result you will better convey to the director and actors the meaning and impact of
characters’ actions. Say exactly what and how they do things by your choice of strong,
visual, effective, verb.
p 2 his eyes dart around anxiously. –
The sound of dogs barking booms from somewhere deep in the house. Kurt clutches
the bag to his chest and his eyes dart around anxiously.
Dogs BARK inside the house.
Kurt clutches the bag.
He fidgets.
Distant BARKING.
Kurt grips the bag close.
He’s squirms.
p 5
p 6
He fidgets lightly…. – He fidgets. The bag remains closed.
The cat SHRIEKS, and then abruptly stops - … then SILENCE.
p 8 ….and forcefully changes the position of Ponytail’s grip… -
… wrenches Pony tail’s hand.
p 9 and pummels Kurt in the ribs with the mallet, CRACKING them loudly.
Cracking them loudly or cracked ribs in this situation is not visible on film, but Kurt’s
reaction is. What does he do? What will the Audience see and hear?
p 9 Dogs are barking loudly. – BARKS are loud. No need to mention the dogs again
and we know that dogs bark.
p 9 Suddenly, Darrel begins screaming and clawing at his eyes.
You cannot visually show begin, begins, beginning to. A character either does an
action of doesn’t do something. (See following note for further examples)
- Darrel screams.
He claws his eyes
p 9 Kurt desperately tries the handle on every door he finds, but they’re all locked.
Kurt rushes from door to door.
He struggles with the handles.
Doors remain shut.

p10 Kurt slowly turns towards the room. – Kurt is languid. He turns . He stomps
towards the room.
Following on from P9 Note above: - Beginning to, Intending to, starting to, deciding
to, going to, tries to, are decisions that express the commencement of an act or the
intention to do something in a certain way.
This language does not work in the Description section of filmic media. Audiences
and directors need to SEE actions or HEAR dialogue to relay information about
actions in the story.
p 1 a few more seconds later the door begins to open. – seconds later the door
opens.
p 3 …and tries to jiggle the lock mechanism. – he jiggles the latch. The bag remains
locked.
p 3 Darrel is already trying different numbers. – Darrel tries different numbers.
p 9 Darrel begins screaming and clawing. – Darrel screams and claws.
Dialogue is useful in expressing intention and a character might say –
“It’s in my plan” (intention); “You’ll soon get the hang of this” (starting to learn); “Go
think it over” (decision making) or for example an action could be - The character
ponders …. Instead of saying things like The character is thinking about robbing a
bank. Audiences cannot see what Characters thought or intentions are.
The impact of the final scene will become more visual with increased tensity when
the exposition is replaced with filmic actions. Montage will interspersed with sound
effects will work well here.
- Kurt SLAMS the door.
- Kurt leans on it.
- Darrel pushes from the other side.
GOANS and HEAVES.
- The door is still.
- Kurt turns away from the door.
- Kurt gasps and freezes.
- A three-headed taxidermy dog glares towards him.
- It bares huge teeth and eyes that bulge.
- A stereo is on a chair.
- The stereo emits loud BARKS.
- Kurt stares at the Cerberus.
- Kurts staggers forward.

- Kurts stumbles and smashes into the chair.
- Cassettes CRASH to the ground.
- BARKING stops.
SILENCE
- Kurt gawks around. His eyes are wide.
- He wipes sweat from his forehead.
- CEEKS and JIGGLES break the silence.
- Kurt gulps
- The door knob TURNS.
- Kurt stares, his breathing is shallow.
- The door glides open.
- Darrel is leans on the door.
LIFELESS, Darrel slumps.
MASSIVE THUD
Darrel smashes to the ground. Blood pools around Darrel’s body.
Thank you Adrian for sharing this draft.
I look forward to reading the updated version.
Feel free to adapt suggestions I’ve made to suit your own writing voice.
You’ve got a good foundation to spring-board from.
All the best with moving forward.

Feedback for “Lady of the Sea” 1 st Draft by Maria Zampelli - November 2020.
Hi Maria, Your script story is a very original and creative retelling of an historic event. Maria.
I like how you are giving voice to a woman from the past and indeed and artist which wasn’t
seen to be a suitable vocation for a woman of Eleni’s era. The dialogue is believable and
reflects the goals and disappointments the Protagonist has all her life. I enjoyed reading the
script so far and after I became familiar with character’s Greek names and their
relationships to each other , the reading became easy and more fluid for me. You have set
up tensions through ongoing conflicts the protagonist has with her adult children. This
drives the story at a steady pace.
The story has the ability to hold readers and potentially audiences’ attention. However,
some of the transitions especially flashbacks, I found confusing. Perhaps consider how you
could tell back story in alternative ways with more clarity of time changes.
The Story: - Strong Human interest story with a feminist theory approach to gender equity.
The story is original and unique and deserves further development – good ideas. And plot
points that work well mostly in the present of the story rather than in transitions to past
events. If you would like to discuss this further, I can work with you on some ideas.
Theme: - reoccurring, so that the viewer understands the meaning of the story.
Eg HOPE and Renewed HOPE. “Striving for goals with passion and determination does not
always fulfil materialistic needs or the desires or the heart”. This idea is consistent
throughout the script and you have used character’s actions and words well to
communicate this sentiment.
Characters:- all serve the purpose of giving pace to Eleni’s story and reason for her
reactions both at a physical and psychological levels. Secondary and supporting characters
in most instances generate the forward thrust of Eleni’s story.
Emotional Engagement:- The emotional impact is well executed through the creation of
highs and lows in the story.
The contrast of emotions makes the story authentic and ensures that audiences will have a
personal experience.
The script writing is progressing successfully. The only suggestion I have is that I sometimes
experienced confusion in the flashback so tried hard to imagine how they will look on
screen. Alternatively, please consider options to make times in the past easier for the reader
to understand. Otherwise your writing and presentation are evolving satisfactorily.
Some of the VOs seem to me to be expositional so there might be alternative ways to show
Eleni’s inner thoughts and past reflections or of course include additional actions while the
VO is heard.
You have done well – keep up the great writing. It appears that it is all coming together, so I
hope you are feeling pleased so far with the 1 st draft and motivated to tackle the edits.

La Vache Qui Rit
The Laughing Cow Written by Ala’a Al Qaisi
Feedback comments for Ala’a from Stephanie Wotzke – 13/7/2020
Hello Ala’a,
Thank you for sending me your Family Drama feature film script. It was a pleasure to
read and I’m looking forward to seeing its further development.
You have beautifully conveyed Hadeel’s story of overcoming her self-consciousness
about her vitiligo a young woman’s experience of coming to terms with events of her
past that concealed the truth about her medical condition. The three act structure is
well chosen. Hadeel’s torment – her embarrassment about her skin discoloration is
resolved at the end, when transformation from low self-esteem to her selfacceptance
occurs. Her journey fulfils the goal of a successful Three Act structure
and character arc.
It is clear from the onset that Hadeel has a strong bond with grandmother, Um Al
Abed, which is maintained till the end of the story probably due to the
protagonist’s good nature and maybe the respect generally of her grandmother’
household. Act 1 successfully establishes this relationship and also sets up the
challenges Hadeel has with vitiligo.
I feel though, that Act 3 is an opportunity for you to better show audiences that
Hadeel’s initial positive relationship with grandmother deteriorates. This change is
important given that Hadeel realizes that the elderly woman she has trusted for
years has hidden secret.
In Act 3 Hadeel’s own mother would also feel betrayed by the elderly woman..
After all, she is the wedge that came between Hadeel and herself. I expect there
would be resentment, from them both of them and you need to show this
because their lives were so negatively affected by the old woman. I think these
point needs to be emphasized.
Throught the story but particularly in Act 3, could also more effectively focus on
the three dimensionality of characters. For example, how will Hadeel and her
mother resolve their differences? What hostilities do they both hold towards the
old woman? How does the family conflict affect Hadeel’s pregnant sister in law
and her husband? A glimmer Act 3 re-established relationships with enhance the
story and additionally show the growth in the secondary characters’ arcs.
The tone and pace of the story are attributes consistent with the ups and downs
of family tensions. Keep in mind though that increased conflict especially
between the women will shake the foundations of security Hadeel experiences in
Act 1 and 2. Her gold goal for personal and family acceptance needs to become
increasingly difficult. Possible changes will give you the opportunity to use
Hadeel’s sister in law as an adversary. Her role has no real significance.
Times in the story where this could be implemented include when Hadeel announces
her engagement or during conversations between Marwa and Hadeel regarding
pregnancy and the role Hadeel might play in the Marwa’s baby’s life
1

The Engagement Ring
Engagement ring. page 1.
Looks at ring on bus. page 12.
Hides the ring in closet. page 14.
Hadeel gives the ring back. page 94, scene 69
Ala’a you mentioned the engagement ring four times throughout the script, but for
most of the story it is not particularly important. At some point, perhaps in
conversation between Hadeel and other character/s the dilemma she has about
giving it back to Bassel, could be raise to heighten her vulnerability and fear.
Consequently her psychological growth at the end of the story would be in greater
contrast to her states of wellbeing/stress during act 2. However, your story
transactions logically into Act 3. With some story changes though, maybe an
unexpected twist, involving the ring could alter the audience’s expectations.
You have successfully shown how relationships between men and women in Islam,
hinge on the male being dominant. This is apparent when Hadeel walks behind
Bassel at the University to avoid appearing as if in a relationship. The language and
tone of your writing captures the mood of the Islamic culture. You have done well to
translate the Arabic script into English while maintaining the moods of authentic
Middle Eastern traditions and interactions. Your own knowledge and experiences
have contributed in an ideal way to your creativity and originality.
The character, Amani, is a pleasant employer. Her self-portrayal as a worldly wise
proponent of bedroom passion techniques, noted through advice she gives to
Hadeel, is a strong contrast to the otherwise expectations of Islamic female modesty.
This scene is effective and well placed. Because of it, audiences are made aware of
social and family discrepancies Hadeel is likely to face as a married woman. It’s a
timely forewarning of hindrances/restrictions already imposed on her by Bassel that
will likely interrupt Hadeel’s inner journey further. This is good.
The loyalty to the sheik and Muslim traditions is very clear in the script. Your own
knowledge and commitment to the faith is apparent. Mohmoud shows dedication to
the mosque and follows the Imam’s instructions. Unfortunately his passion to secure
wealth reveals his dishonesty, which affects Hadeel’s opinion of him and heightens
conflict between them. This scene and later when Mohmoud steals Hadeel’s money
are scenes well placed because they add impetus to the story and Hadeel’s
challenges. The creative success of your story and its uniqueness for Western
readers owes itself to your own world view and personal experiences you bring to
your writing. The theme is culturally couched, but has significance globally for all
women. The pace of the story is lively.
The audience is encouraged by your representation of Um Mahmoud, Hadeel’s
mother and the Mentor Hadeel despises, to feel sorry for her. Her own abused as a
wife and child is backstory skillfully woven into the script. The juxtaposition of
Hadeel’s story and her mother’s works well to show us the true, inciting event.
Your story is creative and very nicely links a thread of dishonest, self-serving intent
to each of three of the supporting characters. The dimensional complexity of most of
the characters is developing. I am confident that your script will benefit further
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especially when characters mentioned above and in the tracking comments on the
script are developed more.
Hadeel, despite being Muslim, does not seem to be aware of Muslim divorce rules,
so I have included some Quran verses in the tracking comments, which you might
find useful to weave into the script. (in a modern sort of way, if you like the idea). I
have also put some other Quran verses that could be useful words for the characters
to say. For example when Marwa is in labor and suffering pain and when the baby is
in the bath tub.
If you think this is a good idea, you might be able to find some more verses that you
could use to show the power imbalances, behaviors and attitudes that are
interwoven in the faith. For example Bassel might bless Hadeel when she accepts
the ring, or he might bless their marriage for the benefits it will bring him.
Zaina is a lovely little child who is innocent in just the same way as Hadeel was. You
have represented her like a mirror of Hadeel’s own childhood, which is a lovely touch
that holds readers’ attention, hearts and curiosity. What happened to Hadeel we
wonder? I like how you have made the relationship between Hadeel and her niece
so loving and Hadeel’s kind nature shines through. Because of this, we like her a lot
and want the best for her.
Some suggestions - other things you might like to include so that Zaina’s
participation in the story is more active – Zaina could: -
Bring a cool drink to Bassel’s Aunty and the step mother.
Show her doll/s to the cow.
Read the cow a story from a book.
Sing as Uncle Mahmoud digs the holes.
Climb on the outside lounge and jump up and down.
Feel free to use any of these ideas if you think they are suitable. The inclusion of
additional Visuals/Actions, and the development of more impactful dialogue will
enable you to improve the script and delete/cut back much of the prosaic narrative.
Further development of Marwa and little Zaina’s characteristics and interactions
need to be looked at in the next draft. You’ve already achieved such reactions
through highlighting Hadeel’s humiliation when she is forced to unveil in front of her
potential in-laws.
I am impressed how you have juxtaposed the plight of the cow with its spots, against
Hadeel’s anxiety and blotchy face. Audiences will understand as I have, that when
the cow is slaughtered, it is like Hadeel killing/burying her own embarrassment and
accepting herself as the person she is, flaws and all. You’ve captured the
comparisons very effectively.
I think the story and script writing are developing well. I have put tracking corrections
on the script to help you better understand capital letters and full stops in English
sentence. Also I have put notes so you know what lines need to be moved from
Parentheticals to ACTION lines. These corrections will help you present your script
more professionally. As well, I have made suggestions and given examples in the
tracking bubbles that will help your story writing become more visual.
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Just a reminder that all character names above the dialogue are always in
CAPITALS. I didn’t correct all of these, so you will have time to make this change
when you read through my comments and suggestions, and edit.
You have done an amazing task Ala’a, to translate your whole Arabic script into
English – what a huge, dedicated effort. The story shows you’ve got a sound
understanding of the conflict between traditional Islamic culture and less restrictive
fashions that many women in Jordan want nowadays.
The contrast between human needs and wants is clear in your script, and is
demonstrated by Hadeel’s own attitude to life. The story captures the essence of
Hadeel’s driving desire to blossom as a free, uninhibited young woman without
hating her own blotchy face. We understand Hadeel does not want to be a sacrifice
to society and family pressures like the blotchy cow was for the festive dinner.
Thank you for sharing your story Ala’a. I’ve enjoyed reading and commenting.
It’s a great concept and a story that will benefit from additional character
development, editing, revised formatting and reduced more effective action lines and
descriptions.
Continue to write so creatively Ala’a. I’m looking forward to the next read.
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Feedback – Lily Drummond, May 2020.
Hi Lily this is a very expressive, true to life story told with compassion and at a
punchy pace. It is most definitely worth developing further. I like how you reflect on
the bullying and then emphasise through the characters that difference is not bad
even though some people like to impose guilt on others for being/or trying to be true
to themselves. The tensions are believable as is the dialogue between young adults.
You have made good observation of life situations – and have written them into
Birdies’ Story with sensitive expression, and along with Hanna’s involvement which
sets up conflict and ongoing tensions the story demands viewers’ attention.
I’ve made bubble comments throughout the script, but realize you might have
already made these changes. Anyway, it’s convenient of me to make tracking
changes like I have rather than just explaining my thoughts to you and they add to
what I’m writing here. The 3 Act Structure is an appropriate choice for this Coming
of Age drama.
I wasn’t sure about Theodore’s prosthetic limb or the impact you want it to have, so
an audience might be unsure too. The Theme – “We learn from the past especially
when we see others making the same mistakes.” is a thread you have successfully
woven throughout the story.
I have also written quite a bit about the creative writing opportunities you are
missing, by just writing “beat”, which takes away the natural expressive decisions the
actors might want to make. See the last page so you realize where my comments
are coming from. Think about what the audience see happening during the silence
and write it instead of “beat”, which should only be used sparingly in a spec script if
at all. This will further enhance your writing.
Your plot points and turning points are consistent with a sound 3 act structure and
your story idea is fresh. Over all, I think you have an authentic story with moves
forward at a nice tempo. I am keenly waiting to see where you take it from here. I’m
really looking forward to the next read!
Additional Thoughts
Hi Lily – Just a few additional thoughts that will enhance your amazing story. I really enjoyed
the tempo and liveliness of the characters and your creative flowing writing style. I think you
can enhance it more if you delete the use of “Beat”. Instead I believe you ‘ll be able to think
about and write actions that might happen during silences.
Some References you might be able to use: -
Beats –
Best to follow David Trottier’s Advice for scriptwriter, because in his opinion the
word “beat” “is the most colourless, lifeless term you can use to indicate a pause”. P.
211.

He also says p. 210 that its best for the scriptwriter not to instruct the Actor how to act
or interpret how best to enact a pause.
(Trottier, D 2014, The screenwriter’s Bible 6 th Edition, Silman-James Press LA.
Lily, Have a look at the examples and options I have included in the script. They
might suit your expression, or you might like to think of others.
By omitting the 45 beats and adding in fresh actions to make the pauses, it will
definitely make the script even more interesting and allow the reader/audiences to
learn more about the character’s personalities.
“You may think this beat is super important and it needs to be there. Try this first:
create an actual action. Have them set their drink down or a very common one: inhale
from a cigarette. It adds some dramatic tension to their next line. Adding action, if
you can, is always preferable to adding a “beat” in dialogue”.
Peders, B 2019, Screenwriting 101. What is a Beat? [Online] Available from
https://thescriptlab.com/features/screenwriting-101/10506-screenwriting-101-what-isa-beat/
[Accessed 8 August 2020].
Basically, the word “beat” is meaningless, detracts from the flow of the reading and
misses the opportunity for you to add further creativity to your writing.
If after the action line the character is quiet before talking it best to use and ellipsis.
(Trottier again. p227) – this is … (three dots and one space) then the speech.

Email sent to Joseph, August 3 rd 2020 - Feedback
Hello Joseph, Thank you for the opportunity to read and comment on your Short
Film concept. Initially I was not sure whether you were sharing just a concept or a
script outline, so I have commented on the need for correct formatting and have
included some useful resources.
I concluded that you seem fairly savvy with camera direction and shot types so
although this was not a correctly formatted script I just went with the ideas you
presented and I think it is all very doable. So that you are able to remove the
directions for the camera from your script its best to write an Action line that will
direct the camera without you calling the shot. For example – if a tear rolls down
someone’s’ cheek logic tells us it would be a clos-up.
You have shown creativity and imagination and I really like how the audience will
understand the setting that is the 1600s. Your ideas at present are expressive ideas,
that will need some thought regarding how you will show them especially the male
dominance and abusive attitudes towards women, from their perspectives. With
well-planned comparisons of gender power struggles you’ll be able to establish
powerful conflict and tensions. Remember to make the transitions clear when you
write the script especially the transitions between time periods.
Your story is a brilliant idea. Without being moralistic it highlights a current day
social issue. In the end though, you'll be forcing audiences to face the emotional,
psychological and social issues of abuse on women - and boom - the film is
over. The message and the impact of the film and I'm sure will stimulate
conversation among viewers who are stirred by the film’s message and the theme.
Are you working independently or with a group or student cohort? Putting your
heads together is a very effective way to generate additional ideas, so if you're
writing on your own just keep interacting with the FB Screenwriting Groups you
already associate with.
Continue to develop these ideas. They lend themselves an impactful Short film with
a serious social message.
Thanks again for giving me the chance to read and make comments. I hope they
are useful.
All the best, from Stephanie.

Donny Arendolff – :The Perfect World” - Feedback 20/6/2020
Hello Donny, You have captured the human interaction scenes with authentic realism to which
makes the male protagonist’s physical relationship with the support character, the female very
visible, which is believable. There’s potential for a strong, sensual story.
Here are some ideas that will strengthen your script:
Nothing major... I did have a dream I was having a threesome.
You have used Calibri Font to write this script – the script must be written Courier or Courier
New 12 point.
Spacing – This is very standardize and expected to comply with conventions. Eg. Left Margin at
15 spaces (1.5 inches from the left edge of the page; Dialogue at 25 spaces (2.5 inches – that is
10 spaces from the left margin; Actors instructions at tab 31 = 16 spaces from the left margin;
Character’s name at tab 37 = 22 spaces from the left margin.
These page layouts can be set up on Microsoft Word, ( not the best choice),but you might like
to investigate som of the Scriptwriting Software that’s on the market. These include:-
Final Draft. Used by 95% of Film and Television Productions. ...
Celtxis a cross-platform, cloud-based screenwriting and media pre-production software. ...
WriterDuet/Solo. ...
Trelby. ...
Scrivener. ...
Fade In. ...
KIT Scenarist. ...
Movie Magic Screenwriter.
You will need to research to see what other writers prefer and their reasons then choose one
you feel happy using.
Page numbers should appear in the upper right, flush with the right margin and half and inch
from the top edge of the page and followed by a period. NO page number on first page.
I’m sure you’ll benefit by reading David Trottier’s “The Screenwriters Bible – A complete Guide
to Writing, Formatting, and selling your Script”.
Do not put any camera directions in your script.
It breaks up the narrative flow and takes over the director’s job which is not advisable – they
find it professionally offensive. The only task the script writer has is write the story.
Be aware there should not be any large empty blank pages – just follow on.
Girl 1 and Girl 2 – refer to them by name.
It’s commendable that you have made good observations of how people talk so naturally to
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each other and how you have captured this in your dialogue. It helps to draw the audience in so
that they remain engage with the story. The character traits and personalities so far ill benefit
from development, but you have already made an initial start.
OS is written in CAPS = (O.S.)
Go to the next page when beginning a new character’s dialogue rather than writing their name
on the bottom of one page then starting their dialogue on the next page.
It will be a challenge, but you’re up for it I’m sure - big blocks of exposition need to the broken
down and one way to do this is to put Actions or Dialogue between descriptions.
I’m not sure who you have chosen to be the main character in the story although it seems to be
the male, but it could be Katelyn, or one of the men? I suggest you make it more obvious to the
reader. If you go back to your outline or write one now, you will be able to clarity the story.
Another good way to do this is to write a logline because it will force you to state the story very
briefly with full attention to the Protagonist’s journey. This will assist you to demonstrate how
throughout the story the Protagonist’s life is changing and despite obstacles, their
determination to achieve their goal drives the story. Its important to showh how at the end of
the story they are no longer the person they were at the beginning – in other words they have
grown emotionally and spiritually and have learnt a lesson. I’m not sure who you want to
attract as your audience so this is an area that you will need to clarify for yourself, readers and
the potential audience.
You have done extremely well in describing the physical sexual interactions, but I think it would
make a much stronger story if you also included the emotional aspects of human relationships,
especially passion that is not purely sexual.
Several Scriptwriting and “How to” books that you might like to look at are:-
Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting
by Robert McKee
The Anatomy of Story: 22 Steps to Becoming a Master Storyteller
by John Truby
How to Write and Sell Your Screenplay
by Michael Hauge
The Writer's Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers
by Christopher Vogler
Also have a look at Udemy – courses online – the Hauge & Vogler’s “ Hero’s Journey” is
excellent and so is one by Dani Alcorn called “ScreenWriters Workshop”. Reasonable prices.
You’ve got a credible idea Donny, worth developing. Additional research will open the many
more doors for you on the way to expanding your story and adding dimension to your
characters. Thank you for sharing your work and all the best from here on.
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