CCChat-Magazine_Issue-27-Survivors-Speak

They are books that really help victims
to say, wow, this is not good in my
relationship how can I change it, or do
I need to leave? So then we divorced
and I suffered significant post
separation abuse and, in my case, my
offender tried diligently to remove my
relationship, particularly from my
daughter. So I was married to someone
who basically was trying hard to make
my children dislike me and the first
time he started was when I caught him
having an affair and when I was angry
about it, he began telling my children
that I was crazy, that there was
something wrong with me and I
suffered from depression.
studying psychological abuse, but what
I began to see is that coercive control is
an umbrella term that encompasses
everything that I had experienced and
if I, a social worker, an educator in
social work and IPV advocate, I'm an
intelligent woman and I was so
successful in my career. Susan
Weitzman, in her book, Not To People
Like Us, talks about how successful
career oriented woman can still be in
an abusive relationship and if it could
happen to me, and I didn't see it I
mean, I teach about domestic violence
every semester for two days in my
courses, and I could not see it in my
own relationship.
" Susan Weitzman, in her book, Not To People Like Us, talks about how
successful career oriented woman can still be in an abusive relationship."
What happened was my daughter
became coercively controlling towards
me, she became his pawn, as Evan
Stark talks about, to use against me
and he was triangulating all of the
time. My son discloses that he
definitely was thinking negatively
about me. Thankfully it’s over and I’m
divorced. So when I divorced him I lost
everything and lost my daughter for a
period of time where she really wasn't
sure whose side to be on, because he
was offering her all kinds of wonderful
caveats if she were to align with him,
and she kept aligning with him over
and over again and she was basically
saying similar things to me, that he
would say to me in rage. When I finally
left, you know, I always wanted to go
back to school for my doctorate, I went
back to school, and I was going to be
If I can't see it, then I think that
explains a lot. It takes a village to leave
an abuser, that's what I believe, you
can’t leave an abuser alone. I have
family and friends and I had left him
several times and I went back to them
and they were there for me and
supported me and never questioned
me. So anyway, fast forward, I decided
to get my doctorate in social welfare
from NYU, and then came across all
this information on coercive control
and then found out that Evan Stark
lives 20 minutes from my house in
Connecticut. I contacted him and he
agreed to be on my committee for my
doctorate, and I've been in touch with
Emma Katz, who I'm sure you know,
and a whole world of experts opened
up to me.
Making The Invisible Visible