Natural Awakenings Twin Cities October 2021

Good Grief
Four Tips to Navigate Grief
by Nea Clare DallaValle
One side effect of living through a global pandemic is experiencing a significant loss.
Many deaths have been a tangible and reasonable experience of pain, sadness and grief.
What many may not think about as loss or even grief-worthy may be impacting their
sense of well-being and security in profound ways, including losing a job, job insecurity, lack of
routine, and loss of closeness and trust with family and friends. These are all ways that one experiences
a sense of loss which impacts feelings of safety, security and normalcy, and collectively,
we have been going through this for over 18 months with no clear end in sight.
There is a popular metaphor of boiling a frog where the water temperature increases
slowly and steadily over time, and the frog does not even realize it is in hot water. In many
ways, living with this level of continuous stress, uncertainty and loss begins to feel normal,
and one gets used to the experience. The only problem is that no matter how well they get
accustomed to the constant stress, it does not address the mental, emotional and physical
toll it has on the well-being of the person.
A Few Thoughts on Grief
Most think that grief accompanies tragedy, unexpected catastrophe or death. Yet, no matter
how reasonable it may be to experience grief, culturally, it is difficult to know how to address
it. The grieving process derails routine and everyday life and makes simple tasks difficult to
accomplish. It is messy, time-consuming, uncontrollable and unpredictable, and worst of all,
there is very little that can be done to bypass or circumvent the experience.
There is also another less obvious and less acknowledged type of grief. This kind of
grief is anticipatory. It is what happens when someone is aware of an impending change.
More often than not, this kind of grief gets mixed up with worry, making it harder to
recognize. In many ways, this is the kind of grief that has been experienced throughout
the pandemic. The pain, loss and tragedy of what is being lost lives in the imagination and
becomes a weight on the heart.
Imagination is a powerful tool. What is held in the imagination can generate emotions,
stress and hormonal responses in the body. Imagine having a nightmare. One will
wake up feeling scared, the heart racing, perhaps there is sweating, yet nothing has actually
happened. The body responds to what is imagined the same as it reacts to what is
real. So, when feeling worried, insecure and unsettled, one will often imagine the worst,
which creates a stress response.
26 Twin Cities Edition NAtwincities.com
What Can Be Done
The experience of grief is overwhelming
and can show up and interrupt life at the
most inopportune time and in the most
unexpected ways. Therefore, learning how
to face this kind of emotional chaos is not
only helpful but necessary. Below are four
tips that have helped many people face this
emotional chaos with a new level of selfcompassion
and grace:
1Acknowledge the grief: It is
okay to be sad. It is okay to be
angry. It is okay to wish that everything
and everyone could just go back to the
way it was. But to be okay, one must first
acknowledge that this is happening. Consider
what is causing the sadness, what is
desired to be different, what is missing or
longed for, and what is upsetting. Write it
down. Think it out. Talk about it.
2Lean into the emotions: When
the emotions rise up—the anger,
grief, frustration and sadness—lean into
the feelings. Imagine a toddler throwing a
temper tantrum, kicking the floor, screaming,
tossing herself around, and crying so
hard she is choking. At that moment, she
does not want to answer questions about
what is wrong; she needs to let it play out.
She needs to know that someone is there,
listening, keeping her safe, giving her space
to feel it all.
Grief is like that, too. It is not reasonable
or rational. There may be a trigger and
there may be no trigger. What is for sure
is that the mind/mental body will not help
one figure it out, but emotions will.
3
Reduce the pressure: The
most common complaint about
the grieving process is how inconvenient
it is to get back to normal. The response
is to just power through, to get busy
with work or tasks to muscle through
the experience. Unfortunately, this can
result in prolonging the grieving experience.
Instead, create space in the day to
let the pressure of emotions release.
Look at one’s schedule and add time
to sit quietly, listen to music, journal or
just be in nature. Do something enjoyable—perhaps
curling up in a quiet corner
with a blanket and a cup of hot tea or
walking your dog. The key is to make
room in the day for grief and self-care.