V19 N36

Undertow
Terry O’Brien’s legendary column... social satire, shameless plugs — and general self-indulgence
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder,
fighting all who rob or plunder,
Undertow, Undertow, Undertow!
I wonder if that lady will ever start
dressing like me for parades.
Made a couple more trips up the 47-to-55
corridor, which I hear they’ll soon be naming
the Terry O’Brien Trail. First was to go see
my first-born Owen in Glassboro, where he
attends Rowan University and I only wrote this
sentence like this to avoid saying Owen and
Rowan so closely together because there’s only
so many times you make the I’m-a-poet-anddidn’t-know-it
joke. Anyway, he was having a
medical issue (he’s fine, if a little sore in a sensitive
area) so we hung out at Inspira Health
for a few hours before hitting the world’s slowest-moving
McDonald’s drive-thru. Say what
you will about Mickey D’s, it is the ultimate
comfort food.
Then last Sunday, my last-born Henry
and I went to Philly for the Eagles-Chiefs
game ( yes, I take 47-to-55-to-42 because I
don’t like paying $15 in tolls that were only
supposed to be there until the highways were
paid for but in the wise words of Owen O’Brien
everything is a scam so let’s not go down that
rabbit hole). Thanks again to Rob Rosenfeld
for the hook-up. The seats were amazing (row
29, 40-yard-line) and the game was a lot of
fun (72 points and no punts!). And Henry
survived the experience despite wearing his
Chiefs Tyreke Hill jersey (and got to see his
favorite player score three touchdowns). I prepared
for the day by cashing a couple of my
band checks so I walked into the stadium with
$600 in my pocket ready to buy lots of merch
and cheesesteaks… only to find out they were
only taking plastic. Oh well. At least I got to
know what it feels like to walk around with
$600 in your pocket.
I also saw about a dozen Cape Mayans at
the game who neither drunkenly started any
fights nor launched snot rockets as a depressingly
large number of fans did, so well done,
gang! Way to represent!
Memo to Olivia Matthews, host extraordinaire
at Exit Zero Filling Station: I was saying,
“I adore you!” Not yelling, “DOOR!” as I
carried my PA gear while you stood by the door
like a spoiled, pampered rock star would do.
Not at all. Only a real jerk would do that.
Please, Rickey Phillips and Caiti Dix
(EZFS servers), please stop fighting! It breaks
my heart! It doesn’t matter who sits where,
Rickey throws enough shade for everyone to
sit under.
I know I watched The Many Saints of Newark,
The Sopranos prequel, but for the life of me I
couldn’t tell you anything about it.
I think I may have discovered a new civi-
October 14, 2021 EXIT ZERO Page 19