NOVEMBER 2011

COUNSELOR is in
10 keys to healing overindulgence
Iklas J. Bashi, LPC, NCC
“Whatever is true, whatever
is honorable, whatever is just,
whatever is pure, whatever is
lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence and
if there is anything worthy of
praise, think about these things
… then the God of peace will
be with you.” Philippians 4:8
Overindulgence is
about giving children
too much of what they
want and not enough of what they
need. The focus is often on materialism,
performance and immediate
gratification and the fruits are often
anguish and a sense of emptiness.
The following insights are meant
to be a starting point for parents. If
any of them resonate with your experience,
spend some time reflecting
on them and how you may integrate
them more fully into your family life.
1. Whole Parent, Whole Child
As parents, it is critical for us to be
emotionally and mentally healthy.
What does this mean? It means
looking at our own issues and limitations
and working through them.
For example, if you have unresolved
anger issues, these will be projected
onto your children. Do you have
unresolved shame and guilt from
your own childhood? Perhaps you
fill those spaces up by overindulging
your children.
If there are places in your life
that are broken, consider therapy,
marriage counseling, talking with a
priest, attending a retreat, working
out, going to confession, quitting
smoking/drinking, etc. Begin to look
at those aspects of your life that need
healing. The healthier we are, the
better equipped we will be to raise
well-rounded, healthy children.
2. Examine Family Values
Create a family meeting where you
and your children write down your
values and beliefs. Children, regardless
of their age, should be given an
opportunity to voice what they value
as well. This has been referred to as a
Family Constitution. It will become
the guide for living for each family
member.
Iklas J. Bashi,
LPC, NCC
special to the
chaldean news
The goal is to strive in
our daily life toward living
according to our values and
beliefs. All family members
can sign their name at the
end of the Family Constitution
pledging to model
what the family holds to
be valuable. These may include
kindness, faith, honesty,
generosity and peace.
When we seek to live our
values, we often decrease
the likelihood to overindulge
ourselves and our children.
3. Accept Joy and Sorrow
Life is difficult. We must be diligent
about helping our children accept
that joy and sorrow or suffering are
real and a natural part of life. We
cannot shield our children from the
pain of life. This goes against the
very fiber of our faith. Without pain,
our children cannot grow strong.
They will experience life from the
lens of your protection and safety net
and will be ill equipped for school,
work, relationships and the sorrow
that is inherent in life.
If you are a parent who tends to
rescue or prevent your children from
experiencing any suffering, you prevent
the opportunity for them to become
self-reliant.
4. Be Honest
There is a tendency in our culture
to conceal, minimize and/or sugarcoat
the truth to protect our children
and other family members from pain.
Keeping things in the dark increases
their power and control over us. On
the contrary, bringing things into the
light allows God to work his graces
into the situation to bring about
restoration, healing and His will.
Children learn that they can count
on their parents when they are honest.
Parents are free to be realistic in
terms of what they can and cannot
do for their children.
5. Recognize Strengths and Limitations
Exaggerating your children’s strengths
and ignoring their limitations cripples
them. Many parents glorify and
pamper their children, who will be ill
equipped to handle constructive criticism
from others in the future. They
can become easily angered and ignore
those important people in their
life who may be pointing out their
shortcomings in order to help them
grow. This kind of honesty will help
children realize they do not need to
be the constant center of attention.
It also helps them cultivate a sense of
personal identity.
6. Encourage Self-Care Skills
Overindulged children often lack
self-care skills and have difficulty
relating to others. They become
accustomed to Mom or Dad doing
things for them that they are capable
of doing themselves. The unintended
message we give our children is
that he or she doesn’t have what it
takes to do it alone. This area often
reveals a parent’s need for control
or obsessive-compulsive tendencies
that need to be examined.
Overindulged
children often lack
self-care skills
and have difficulty
relating to others.
7. Teach Patience and Longing
Children who are accustomed to getting
what they want, when they want
it, are not given the chance to appreciate
what they do have. Granting
their every wish and desire does not
teach them gratitude or how to be
content. Gratitude manifests itself
through waiting, longing and anticipating.
Create opportunities for
them to practice gratitude and delay
gratification.
8. Take Personal Responsibility
Whether it is doing chores, taking
care of their belongings or making
sure they do not lose their things,
children need to learn the value of
taking personal responsibility. With
their hectic schedules filled with
sports and other activities, it is becoming
increasingly more challenging
for parents to enforce chores on
children. But this is a necessary key
to their healthy development. Doing
chores is an opportunity for them
to grow. By insisting they do chores,
we give them the message that they
are needed by their family.
9. Understand Impact
Children need to know they have
been given the gift of free will and
they need to be made aware that
their behaviors, whether good or
bad, impact others around them.
Often children do not realize the impact
of bad choices. Instead of shaming
and blaming them, our goal is to
increase their awareness, to see the
big picture. This will increase their
empathy and concern for others.
10. Be an Authority,
Not a Friend
Because many parents feel they weren’t
given a chance to voice their opinions
or feelings during their own childhood,
they overindulge children by overvaluing
their need for self-expression.
Children turn into young negotiators
and parents fall into the trap of allowing
a constant tug-of-war dialogue to
rule the home. Parents need take back
their role as authority figures. Children
need to express themselves but not to
point where they argue until they get
their way. This is manipulation, not
self-expression.
Whether in therapy sessions,
workshops, or parenting groups, a
common phrase I have heard from
parents in our community is that
they lack the wahess or motivation
to parent. We cannot neglect giving
our children the guidance, instruction
and formation they need
to grow into responsible members of
society equipped with an awareness
of who they are and why God created
them. It is our obligation as parents
to make our home the first school for
our children.
Iklas J. Bashi, LPC, NCC, is a
writer, life coach and speaker. She
offers group workshops, seminars and
presentations on a wide variety of
topics that combine her training and
experience in psychology as well as
Catholic spirituality. Email questions
and comments to ahigherwayllc@gmail.
com. Visit ChaldeanNews.com to read
part one of this series, “The Damaging
Effects of Overindulgence,” which
appeared in our October issue.
50 CHALDEAN NEWS NOVEMBER 2011