9781250209153

“That was … whatever,” I say, keenly aware of Thora’s eyes on me.
“Was it romantic?” Daphne asks breathlessly.
“No,” I say shortly at the same time that Danielle says, “Yes.” I flat-out
glare at her, but she stares defiantly back.
“I just don’t want Scottie to get hurt,” Thora says pointedly.
“Irene’s not going to hurt her,” Danielle says.
“Can we please stop talking about me like I’m not sitting right here?”
Thora and Danielle settle, both of them sighing. Daphne pats my back
and slides over her extra piña colada.
“Drink up,” she says knowingly. “It will settle your nerves.”
I inhale the sugary drink and let their conversation wash over me. My
body feels all out of whack, like my emotions are sumo wrestling each
other. I don’t care how much Danielle brings her up: I don’t want to talk
about Irene. It’s just too confusing. How can I be crushing on her and
grieving Tally at the same time? Because that’s what this is: grief. I may
have thought I was finally getting over Tally, especially with the high I was
on from basketball, but kissing Irene brought a rush of heartache to the
surface. Her kiss was the first one I’ve had since my breakup, and even
though it was great, it was different. It made all these feelings flood back.
I just wish I could box up my new feelings for Irene, tag the box with
Do not open until breakup grief is over, and store it in my attic, out of sight
and out of mind. I mean, I’m not even sure these flutters of excitement I’m
feeling are a crush. I’m not thinking about Irene all the time like I did with
Tally. I’m not obsessively checking her social media. I miss her, but I’m not
bursting out of my skin with longing for her. I haven’t even talked to her in
days. Is that normal?
And beneath these confusing feelings, there’s a mean little voice that
pipes up whenever I imagine kissing Irene again. A voice that is deeply
intertwined with the same insecurity Tally brought out in me.
Irene had your car towed. She humiliated you. She stood there callously
while you cried.
How can I possibly reconcile having a crush on someone who bullied
me? What does it say about my self-worth that I’m drawn to girls who hurt
me?