Lot's Wife Edition 4 2016

STUDENT
11:27pm
FINALLY DONE!
WEDNESDAY 16TH MARCH
7:30pm
Uni finishes at 6:00pm today, which means I have been forced
into an evening delivery shift. Time for the easy part of the job
– simply slotting catalogues in mailboxes.
I park my car at the far end of a street, assemble my over-60sonly
trolley and realise the papers are too big to fit inside.
7:32pm
I make them fit regardless.
8:00pm
Get to the other end of the largest street in this area (so I’m
as far away from my car as physically possible) and run out of
newspapers. Jog back to my car with my trolley, restock with
difficulty and then run back to the other end of the street, so I
can continue delivery.
8:15pm
Wow…. it got dark very quickly.
10:00pm
Walked face-first into my second mailbox (quite an achievement
considering the height difference). Definitely too dark to
continue - time to call it a night.
THURSDAY, 17TH MARCH
8:00am
Wake up in the morning, only to discover I sneakily received 22
mosquito bites during my delivery round last night.
17 of them are on my left calf.
8:25am
Update: It’s 24… I forgot to check my arms.
8:30am
Need to finish delivery round by 3:00 today, but class starts at
1pm. Decide to leave for a super early delivery round.
9:30am
The wind has really picked up and half my newspapers fly out
of my trolley. I abandon my trolley in a driveway as I frantically
chase after these drunken newspaper birds. Arms stuffed full
of runaway newspapers, I return to find my trolley has rolled
down the driveway and onto the road.
9:45am
Use my Linear Algebra textbook as a paperweight – finally it’s
been useful for something.
10:10am
32 degrees outside. A black t-shirt was a bad idea. Grime on my
hands means I can’t even wipe the sweat from my eyes. Help
meh.
10:15am
This mailbox is tiny. Nothing fits… I don’t understand, WHERE
DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS NEWSPAPER!?!
10:40am
I see you haven’t taken your paper from last week, number 22.
Well then…you don’t deserve my love. No paper for you.
God how many more houses can there be?
11:00am
Why do I have 6 Target catalogues leftover…? I was not trained
for this. I’m sure number 34 wouldn’t mind if I put all 6 in their
mailbox.
11:35am
Oh hi, old man standing on the porch watching me struggle.
How’s your day been? I really appreciate the moral support
you’re giving me right now. Your condescending leer and the
offensive stance you’re adopting really makes me feel like you
value me.
11:40am
How. Many. More. Streets. Are there?!?!?!
It’s. Been. Three. Hours!
11:45am
So… I give up. Wait let me just check my map, how many more
streets do I have to – hahahahahaha yeah nah fuck it. They’ll
live without their junk mail for a week. I’m sure people’s lives
will go on
11:46am
Hops in car and legs it back home.
12:01pm
Considers the possibility that one of the skipped houses could
be the house of the council mayor. They would realise for sure
that the council newspaper was not delivered. Can I be sued for
this?
12:15 pm
What do I do with all the leftover catalogues…
12:19pm
Have just snuck into the local retirement home. Going round
the back to find a dumpster.
12:20pm
Dumpster found next to a gate about 40 metres away. All
I have to do is get from here to there without anyone see-
EMPLOYEES. FUCK. WHAT DO I DO? Act natural? Act natural.
Walk like I’m meant to be here. No one will suspect me.
12:21 pm
The retirement home employees totally suspect me. I reek of
dodgy.
12:22pm
Could only discard 50 or so catalogues. Can’t risk the retirement
home again. Need to look for another dumpster. Coles
will have one, for sure.
12:32pm
Park the car to scout the Coles dumpster situation…. the
same two employees from the retirement village walk past me
“not-judging” me. I may actually have the cops called on me
very soon.
12:46pm
I have 14 mins left to get to uni. I get home. Dump all catalogues
I have left into my recycling bin, and cover it up with
some miscellaneous refuse so that no one suspects I missed any
houses. #nailedit
FRIDAY, 18TH MARCH
Quit my job at Junk Mail Incorporated
Still poor as fuck.
Lot’s Wife | 11