MUSICAL CHAIRS! - Besthostingplanever.com

KEEP THE
TUNES
& CHAT,
BUT CUT
THE COMEDY
By Andrew Cornstalker
THE CANDY SHOW, I THINK, HAS POTENTIAL.
This, despite the fact that I don’t believe Candy
Palmater — the “reformed” lawyer, civil servant,
activist, motivational speaker, comedian —
to be one bit funny. Intelligent, yes. Engaging, at
times. Even warm. But not funny.
For those who managed to avoid the minimedia
blitz on Information Morning, the
Chronicle Herald and elsewhere last week,
the 41-year-old launched The Candy Show
last Tuesday night on the Aboriginal People’s
Television Network. The half-hour variety
program, six episodes of which were shot at
the Dirty O in North End Halifax last April,
features Candy’s stand-up, interview segments
and music.
The main concept of the show is that, while
the musical guest plays a song, Candy watches
in awe from her giant pink bed, just like how
she used to listen to albums and stare at her
posters when she was a teenager in New
Brunswick. When the song is over, the
musician(s) come over and gather on her bed
and have a chat with her.
First, the good news.
Candy isn’t a terrible interviewer, and she
seems to have some measure of musical taste.
Her first musical guest was Katey Day, who
recent Frank readers will remember was let go
from her radio announcing day job at HAL-FM
a few months back (Frank 590,591). Katey,
armed with an acoustic guitar, played a soulful
tune and I wanted more. The subsequent interview
segment on the bed was uneventful, much
too short for it to have existed at all, really. But
Candy, the provincial government’s $84,544.72
a year Mi’kmaq Liaison Office director (whatever
the hell that is), obviously has a passion
for music. And that’s where, maybe, the show
should focus its energy.
I’m thinking something along the lines of Spectacle
with Elvis Costello, which has been
airing for a couple of years on CTV. On his
show, the British tunesmith talks to, and jams
with, his musical guests. While I don’t know that
Candy has any musical gifts, I would almost
certainly watch a Candy Show featuring nothing
but music and chatter. Hell, keep the pink
bed if you want. But leave out the stand-up.
Candy’s biggest weakness as a comic is that
she doesn’t seem to believe in punchlines. She
opened the show with a ramble around internet
lesbian dating. You can be anybody on the
internet, y’know, so she decided to fill her profile
with all sorts of lesbian stereotypes, in the
hopes of, y’know, luring a lesbian.
She put in that she enjoys hiking, and wearing
Birkenstocks, and eating granola, and
whatever else. Sure enough, she found herself
a lesbian, one that, horror of horrors, wanted
to go hiking.
So, poor Candy had to buy some hiking gear
and give it a try. She wasn’t very good at it. In
fact, she embarrassed herself thoroughly, at
one point falling flat on her arse, or her face. I
can’t remember which. Despite this rocky start,
they ended up getting married (to her booking
agent and Sutton Realty gal Denise
Tompkins) on August 20. The end.
That, I think most comics would agree, is not
a “bit,” but a mildly amusing anecdote you would
relay to friends and/or acquaintances who want
to hear a mildly amusing how-we-met story.
Given a national television show, even one
on APTN, I think most comics would agree they
would try to open with a monologue that contained,
y’know, some jokes. The comedy seg-
Candy Palmater in her big, pink TV bed.
ments that followed were the same, but different.
The same in that she continued to show
disdain for punchlines; different in that she decided
shock value was the way to go.
Talking about vaginal re-tightening plastic surgery
and labia re-shaping is not funny.
But things really went off the rails during her
last anecdote, which had to do with how a
nurse she didn’t like filled her full of laxatives
and suppositories because she couldn’t poop
after her hip replacement surgery last winter.
The story ends with Candy, all 300 pounds of
her, spraying diarrhea all over her bathroom at
home and cursing the mean nurse.
I bet you cringed reading that last line, didn’t
you? I don’t blame you. I cringed writing it. And
I gaped in horror at my television set when I
first heard it.
But, God bless ’em, everyone in the studio
audience, which numbered about 50, managed
to keep smiles plastered on their faces the
whole time. I don’t know how they did it. Maybe
they edited in cutaways from a different show.
Anyway, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Candy Show airs on APTN on Tuesday
nights at 10 into the middle of October. Unless
you’re in the mood to be bored and/or disgusted,
stick to the music and interview segments. The
mute button works for everything else.
SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 ATLANTIC CANADA FRANK 23