NOVEMBER_UNIKUM_WEB

TIPS
Jay Voltaire
Writer
Illustration: AdobeStock // matiasdelcarmine
Agony Aunt
Q: How do I avoid getting recruited by the illuminati?
A: Oh honey, life throws struggles at us that we could never prepare for, but avoidance simply is not the answer.
When we feel tempted to avoid something we should take a step back and look inside ourselves. Think about
why you are so afraid of the Illuminati? Many times we find that really, it was a fear about our own adequacy.
Q: My friend wants me to start tap dancing, should I join her?
A: DO NOT JOIN HER. There are many reasons why tap dancing with a friend is a bad move. For starters,
it‘s tradition in many cultures to only tap dance with strangers, and depending on where you live, doing
otherwise can be a serious taboo. Secondly, „tap dancing together“ may not truly be what you think it is,
I would check her closet just to be sure. I believe the only proper way to go from here is to fake an illness
whenever the subject is brought up, and promptly exit the conversation until she stops asking.
Q: I think my cat is whispering poems into my ears when I
sleep, disturbing it. How can I make her stop?
A: If there’s one thing we all hate, it’s disturbing poetry. Have you thought about how she feels? Your cat simply is
doing what she knows. It’s up to you to educate her on the finer things in life and introduce her to something more
soothing. I’m sure with some (insert good poem here) you will be lulled into the sweet release of sleep in no time.
Q: My roommate actually believes that she‘s Voldemort, and keeps sleepwalking
and barging into my room screaming „Avada Kedavra“, what do I do?
A: You know what they say: you can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick
your friends’ noses. In this case maybe you can! If your roommate has fully committed to the look, she’s
going to need to blend into society sometimes. This is where you come in, give the gift of a set of prosthetic
noses this Christmas and she’ll be back on your side in no time. Good luck with cohabitation bliss!
Q: Dad keeps insisting I join him in the fish tank. Do I?
A: Not everyone still has a fish tank in their lives, and it sounds like your father is just making the most of the
time he has left. A little time in the tank is good for everyone now and then, as long as we keep our wits about
us. Look how good it was for Darth Vader‘s health! So don your snorkels and white undies and jump in.
If you have any
burning questions
you’d like Agony
Aunt to answer, send
them in by using the
QR-code right here!
Q: I keep finding my bathroom sink filled with Mystery Gloop. It
looks disgusting but smells delicious. Should I have a taste?
A: Once in a person‘s lifetime we are presented with a life altering decision, a call to
action. Just as many were drawn to eat the coffin cheese, this is yours. Seize the day!
Q: I feel like everyone in my life is either lazy or procrastinating. What should I do?
A: Oh look it‘s 5 o’clock. Ask again later.
NOVEMBER 2023 UNIKUM NR 9 37