DESEMBER_UNIKUM_WEB

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SATIRE Merry F king Christmas A celebration of passive aggressiveness. Alice Soleng Writer Adam Zawadzki Writer Illustration: Freepik // freepik For those of you that love throwing shade, as much as standing in it looking creepy, the festive season is the perfect time to unleash your inner Scrooge! Not only was he a sexy icon of frugality (those varicose veins, yum) trying as hard as he might to avoid spending any time with anyone, even he succumbed to the clutches of a family dinner by the end of the film. Have no fear, however, for Adam and Alice (the bitch reporters) are here to make sure that you won’t have to suffer the same unholy fate. With the winter holidays once again threatening constant happiness, what better way to show your friends and family how much you “appreciate” them, than by gifting them a present they will never forget, no matter how much they may want to. No, please, don’t thank us. Warning, they get progressively more offensive (or effective). Number 1: You (not the Netflix series) Isn’t your presence a gift enough? Why bother spending lots of money for something that will be used once, when the amazing person that you are is a blessing already. Besides, this gift works for almost anyone. Can’t be bothered to go to the store? Just put on some fancy clothes, your fakest smile, and have a go at everyone. It’s a classic. Repeat after us: “What better way to enjoy the present, when the present is me!” Number 2: Tins (food, non-perishable: unlike your relationship) The process is thus: walk into your nearest department store and loudly command “show me the beans.” At this point, Sharon, the customer service advisor, will highlight the relevant aisle if there isn’t a beam of light emanating from it already, much like the star that helped guide the three wise men. A task that took three men two thousand years ago, however, only takes one today, since there is now a woman to help. Thanks Sharon. Isn’t she great?! Advance! Repeat after us: “Now you can go out alone at night again as tins aren’t registered weapons. Yet.” 28
Number 3: A mirror (which present is the fairest of them all?) When the opportunity presents itself for somebody to take something the wrong way, always go for it. Is your chosen recipient in love with their own face almost as much as yours? Check. Should they consider it a philosophical message surrounding selfie culture, which offers copious amounts of academic research to keep them quiet (since you’ve read all of them already, of course)? Check. Besides, if the mirror arrives cracked, they’ll have to deal with all the bad luck. As it should be. Check. Line: “I don’t need this anymore as there was nothing to improve. Sorry not sorry.” Number 4: A total make-over (so you can look them in the face without crying) If their personality can’t be saved, maybe their looks can? Gifting someone a total make-over is a great way to save your eyes from going blind, and save them from looking like the ugly-duckling next to you. It can easily be shrugged off as a spa-day, or allows them to fix the insecurities they should be worried about. Maybe if you’re extra lucky, someone else might become interested in them, and take them off your hands! Line: “Beauty isn’t everything, but when you have no personality it certainly helps.” Number 5: Nasal hair remover (they’ll even get to keep them) Imagine the face of your enemy when they open this magnificent present. We’re now entering the territory of gifts that might make them get the memo. However, you can easily play this one off as a helpful suggestion. You’re their friend, and you “obviously” have good intentions. Although you’re not creative enough to come up with your own gift ideas. Negative effects: it might make it easier for them to breathe. “There’s no need to beat around the bush!” Number 6: Axe body spray (in lieu of an actual axe) If you’ve ever been to a high school, you’ll know the scent of this menace to society. One would think you’d get rid of it when you graduate, but our lovely editor in chief had other plans. If you’ve already fought the desire to get an actual axe, this is a great replacement. The receiver will feel invincible, whilst failing at gaining attention from the opposite sex (like normal). However, the same sex may be attracted which will definitely prove for a more interesting night out. I can guarantee you this scent will not draw in the right people. Perfect for your mischievous plans. “Ugh, you’re gross. Spray that body!” Number 7: Self-help books (because, obviously, you don’t need them) If you’ve not been able to chase away your present receiver already, you might need to take the matter into your own hands (but not like that, yet). Gifting them a self-help book, to at least partially improve their presence in your life, could be beneficial. Or it will give them some qualities that are a replica of a decent personality. Our suggestions include (but are not limited to): - ‘Girl, Wash Your Face’ by Rachel Hollis - ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ by Ichiro Kishimi - ‘Maybe You Should Talk to Someone’ by Lori Gottlieb “Be thankful it wasn’t Mein Kampf.” <strong>DESEMBER</strong> 2023 <strong>UNIKUM</strong> NR 10 29
Page 1 and 2: Seasons Greetings from Unikum‘s E
Page 3 and 4: LEDER SEASON OF GRATITUDE The year
Page 5 and 6: Sørlands Julebrus Ángels: It smel
Page 7 and 8: Christmas Gifts On a Budget TIPS Il
Page 9 and 10: KULTUR OPPSKRIFT OPPSKRIFT Doble ha
Page 11 and 12: DEBATE Stirred not shaken! A look a
Page 13 and 14: My final shot To sum up, Norway has
Page 15 and 16: How to Celebrate Christmas Alone TI
Page 17 and 18: Culture calendar for students 07.12
Page 19 and 20: Ikke tid til et helt semester i utl
Page 21 and 22: it was. And you better believe I wa
Page 23 and 24: Final thoughts I could go on foreve
Page 25 and 26: ENTERTAINMENT PIT STOP Across 5. 78
Page 27: #4 - Ta det med ro Å sykle med pig
Page 31 and 32: Registrer deg — og — vinn Regis
Page 33 and 34: JULESTEMNING ‚TIS THE GRINCH HOLI
Page 35 and 36: Photo: IMDb HUNGER GAMES: THE BALLA
Page 37 and 38: Interessant å se det større bilde
Page 39 and 40: Kingdom on his quests. Here, Mario

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