Oct 2008 - Morrison's Academy

English
S6
threw our arms around each other.
We had done it! I was glowing with
pride and joy. Now who mentioned…
platinum?
Catie Gray S6
Transatlantic Tale
The occupant of the seat in front
suddenly writhed and drove the
plastic fold-out table further into the
belly flab which Una had been
teaching herself to ignore over the
last few months. Unfortunately, she
could not readjust her seating position
because her mother had insisted on
sitting on her skirt. This meant she was
made to lean in the direction of the
sweating passenger beside her. If this
wasn’t bad enough her personal
space was invaded again and again
when her mother wrestled to adjust
her specially purchased flight socks.
The TV screen in the back of her seat
was starting to sting her eyes and they
watered profusely in the dry air of the
cabin. This was meant to be a holiday
but how comfortable were sticky
dates in a sweaty box meant to feel?
As the audio for the film she was
bravely attempting to watch did not
entirely drown out the conversation
beside her, Una was forced to listen to
her mother's incessant chirping to
some complete stranger in a fake
English accent meant to disguise that
of her rather broad Scots, “Aam
originally from Glasgae but you
cannae tell!” Only six and a half more
hours to go...
From seat numbers 259- 260 a loud
description of medical misfortunes
had started up which was impossible
to ignore...
I HAD THEM BOTH REMOVED YEARS
AGO...
After sleeping for what felt like two
minutes, Una was brutally shaken into
consciousness by a squawked call to
“DINNER!” Her mother asked the
extremely busy flight attendant about
all of the ingredients within each
meal on offer, using extremely
exaggerated arm movements which
whacked Una in the face several
times. Why her mother needed to
enquire so deeply into whether any
animals were endangered in the
process of making the meal was
unclear, as she’d been given the only
options of roast beef or chicken. She
cried, “But ah dinnae like meat!” It
was the same thing when they went
to Uruguay last year, and Venice the
year before that, when her mother
had ordered her meal according to
the exact proportions demanded by
Weight Watchers and then poured
salt all over it. The complaints before,
during and after the holidays about
how she had ‘pit on weight’ were
completely justified by her inability to
cut back.
Una devoured the hot, brown meatlike
material, not thinking too much
about the different gelatinous textures
squirming in her mouth. The complete
stranger was apparently not so
foreign now, but proved himself still
strange by sinking his yellow plaqueridden
teeth into the equally yellow
plastic roll provided. Una tried not to
pay attention as he talked animatedly
about his pet poodle’s fascinating
accessories. But sadly this fascinating
story was drowned out by:
...REALLY? WHAT EXCESS FLUID?
When the turbulence began, her
mother gripped the man beside her
in mortal terror. Soon Una's stomach
too began to churn, due to the
twisting, thrashing and rolling - and
that was just the newlywed couple on
Secondary The Morrisonian | 07/08 Page 39
her right. As they jiggled in their seats,
their freebie earphones flapped
against their ears, labrador-like,
distorting the music's romantic
ambience.
...THEY WERE YELLOW? ... LIKE BILE?
The fun-filled ride continued as Una’s
mother extracted a creased fragment
of paper from her every-occasion
pack of ‘useful’ detritus. This piece of
toilet paper was described as a map
from the 1980s. Politely requesting to
see the artefact, Una informed her
mother that she thought New York
might be somewhat different now. For
example, Coffee Stain roundabout
and Chocolate Brownie Smudge Park
were likely to have been relocated.
...ENORMOUS, IT WAS...
The next performance for their
newfound relation, Mr Fungusfangs,
was the mockery of Una’s passport
picture. It was admittedly unflattering,
even amusing, but probably wasn't
worthy of the falsetto screeching
which it provoked. Una’s guardian
shouted, “Ma bladdar’s gonna
buhrst!” This meant she needed to visit
the toilet, despite the fact that Una
had just settled herself. Squeezing out
of her ‘chair’ Una allowed her parent
to clumsily fall across her, until she
poured herself all the way into the
aisle. Slumping back in her seat, Una
prayed for their arrival...Six hours and
twenty-nine minutes.
...SO THEN THEY BROUGHT OUT THE
SCISSORS...
Una gave up on the Cannes-also-ran
film when an air hostess (badged
'flight attendant') shoved some
documentation under her nose. The
words described immigration details.
She hadn't wanted to be an
Immigrant, with all the associations of