Gammer Gurton's Needle - Faculty & Staff Web Pages

Gammer Gurton's Needle:
A Modern Spelling Version,
With Annotations
Introduction
This version of Gammer Gurton's Needle is based on the copy printed by Thomas
Colwell in 1575. As Henry Bradley has demonstrated, the play was probably first performed
during the short reign of King Edward VI, most likely during the last year of that king's reign,
1533. We believe the author to have been William Stevenson, a Fellow of Christ's College,
Cambridge. College records show that Stevenson was being paid for producing plays from
1552 until at least 1560. 1 He is very likely the author of Gammer Gurton's Needle, a raucous,
rowdy farce of a play.
The characters in the play tend to speak in a rural Southern-England dialect that, for
American students particularly, may be hard to follow. A peculiarity of this dialect is the use
of ich for I, together with many combined forms that make use of the glottal –ch sound:
'chold="I hold," meaning "I'll bet"; 'chi'll="I will"; and so on. I've left these but have glossed
them. Some words have changed their meanings over the centuries, and when an unfamiliar
term pops up, I have noted these. American readers, for example, are not likely to know
what a spurrier was.
Be warned: The tone of the play is very vulgar, and often scatological. Early on, the
farmhand Hodge is so frightened at the possibility of the trickster Diccon's conjuring up a
real devil that he befouls his trousers, and from that point on, various characters refer to
Hodge as "shitty," a term meant literally here. Partway through the annotations, I began to
wonder exactly how many synonyms for "whore" were current in 1553 – there were a lot!
Still, the play is funny. The situation couldn't be simpler: Old Gammer ("Granny")
Gurton has lost her only needle, and she is so stubborn or so stuffed with ill-will that she
doesn't even think of borrowing another one from her neighbor, Dame Chat. Diccon the
Bedlam (the village idiot, in other words) is so tickled by her frantic search for the needle that
he decides to stir the pot and creates a riotous misunderstanding between Dame Chat, the
next-door neighbor, and Gammer Gurton. From this insignificant beginning, something not
far short of all-out war erupts in the village, eventually involving the vicar of the local church
and the Bailiff (sheriff's assistant) of the town as well. Diccon has no real motivation, other
than the fact that he's crazy and fun-loving (rather like the Vice in medieval morality plays),
and the other characters are so dense that they let him manipulate them into ridiculous
situations. The poor vicar gets beaten up when Dame Chat thinks he is Hodge, Gammer
Gurton's hired man, breaking in to steal her chickens; Hodge reveals his cowardice when
Gammer and Dame Chat have a raging cat-fight on the stage; and Diccon enjoys it all.
Please let me know if you find typographical or other errors in the text. I'm far from
perfect, and I will correct anything that is amiss!
--Dr. Brad Strickland, October 2009
1
Jane Milling et al, eds. The Cambridge History of British Theater: Origins to 1610 (Cambridge: Cambridge UP, 2004),
123.

A Right Pithy, Pleasant and Merry Comedy: Entitled
Gammer Gurtons Needle
Played on Stage, not long ago in Christ's College in Cambridge
Made by Mr. S. Master of Art 1
Annotated and Rendered into Modern English Spelling
By Mr. S. Doctor of Philosophy
The Names of the Speakers in this Comedy
Diccon the Bedlam 2
Hodge, Gammer Gurton's Farmhand
Tyb, Gammer Gurton's Maid
Gammer Gurton
Cocke, Gammer Gurton's Boy Servant
Dame Chat, Gammer Gurton's Neighbor
Doctor Rat, the Curate 3
Master Bailey, a Bailiff 4
Doll, Dame Chat's Maid
Scapethrift, Master Bailey's Servant
Mutes.
[The place: a village in England.]
God Save the Queen!
Gammer Gurton's Needle 2
1 Thought to be William Stevenson, Master of Arts in Christ's College; he produced plays there between 1550 and 1554.
Gammer Gurton's Needle is believed to date to 1553.
2 Diccon the Bedlam: Diccon was a discharged patient from Bethlehem Hospital for the Insane; he had permission to travel
the country and make a living by begging. His name roughly means “Crazy Dick.”
3 Curate: a priest in charge of a parish
4 Bailiff: a legal officer, an assistant to a sheriff who has the power of arrest

THE PROLOGUE
As Gammer Gurton with many a wide stitch
Sat piecing and patching of Hodge her man's breech,
By chance, or misfortune, as she her gear tossed,
In Hodge's leather breeches her needle she lost.
When Diccon the Bedlam had heard by report
That good Gammer Gurton was robbed in this sort,
He quietly persuaded with her in that stound 1
Dame Chat, her dear gossip, 2 this needle had found.
Yet she knew no more of this matter, alas,
Than knows Tom, our clerk, what the priest says at Mass! 3
Hereof there ensued so fearful a fray
Mas[ter] Doctor was sent for, these gossips to stay
Because he was Curate, and esteemed full wise;
Who found what he sought not, by Diccon's device! 4
When all things were tumbled and clean out of fashion, 5
Whether it were by fortune or some other constellation,
Suddenly the needle Hodge found by the pricking,
And drew it out of his buttock, where he felt it sticking.
Their hearts then at rest with perfect security,
With a pot of good ale they stoke up their plaudity. 6
1 Stound: time
2 Gossip: friend
3 Obviously an inside joke at the expense of Tom, who evidently snoozes through Mass.
4 That is, "who found something he wasn't expecting to find because of Diccon's trick."
5 Out of fashion: disordered, chaotic
6 Stoke up their plaudity: win their applause
Gammer Gurton's Needle 3

THE FIRST ACT
The first Scene
Gammer Gurton's Needle 4
[A village street. Gammer Gurton's house is on one side, and Dame Chat's ale-house is on the
other. The time is Saturday evening after sundown.]
Enter Diccon from Gammer Gurton's house.
Diccon: Many a mile have I walked divers and sundry ways,
And many a good man's house have I been at in my days.
Many a gossip's cup in my time I have tasted,
And many a broach 1 and spit have I both turned and basted,
Many a piece of bacon have I had out of their balks, 2
In running over the country with long and weary walks—
Yet came my foot never within those door-cheeks, 3
To seek flesh or fish, garlic, onions, or leeks,
That ever I saw a sort 4 in such a plight 5
As here within this house appeareth to my sight!
[Points at Gammer Gurton's house]
There is howling and scowling, all cast in a dump; 6
With whewling and pewling, as though they had lost a trump; 7
Sighing and sobbing they weep and they wail.
I marvel in my mind what the devil they ail! 8
The old trot 9 sits groaning with "Alas!" and "Alas!"
And Tyb wrings her hands and takes on in worse case, 10
With poor Cocke, their boy. They be driven in such fits
I fear me these folks be not well in their wits.
Ask them what they ail, or who brought them in this staye, 11
They answer not at all but "Alack!" and "Welladay!" 12
When I saw it booted not, out of doors I hied me, 13
And caught a slip of bacon, when I saw that none spied me!
Which I intend not far hence, unless my purpose fail,
Shall serve for a shoehorn to draw on two pots of ale! 14
1
Broach: a spit for roasting meat
2
Balks: tie-beams, rafters; bacon was hung there to protect it from animals . . . and thieves like Diccon.
3
Door cheeks: door jambs
4
Sort: crowd
5
Plight: fix
6
All cast in a dump: everyone is sad
7
With whewling … trump: With moaning and groaning as though they'd lost something vital.
8
What the devil they ail: what the devil ails them.
9
Trot: hag, slut
10
Tyb wrings… worse case: Tyb wrings her hands and behaves even worse.
11
Ask them…staye: If you ask what ails them, or who brought them into this predicament
12
Welladay: Woe is me!
13
When I … me: When I saw it was useless, I took myself outdoors
14
Which I… ale! Which I intend in a few minutes, unless something happens, to trade for two pots of ale.

[He starts toward Dame Chat's ale-house]
THE FIRST ACT
The second Scene
[Enter, as from the field, Hodge, to Diccon]
Hodge: See! So 'cham 1 arrayed with dabbling in the dirt! 2
She that set me to ditching, Ich would she had the squirt! 3
Was never a poor soul that such a life had!
Gog's bones, 4 this filthy clay has dressed me so bad!
Gog's soul, see how this stuff 5 tears!
[Shows the torn seat of his breeches]
Ich were better to be a bear-ward and set to keep bears!
By the Mass, here is a gash! A shameful hole indeed!
If one stitch tears further, a man may thrust in his head!
Diccon: By my father's soul, Hodge, if I should now be sworn, 6
I cannot choose but say thy breech is foully torn!
But the next remedy 7 in such a case and hap
Is to clap on a piece as broad as thy cap.
Hodge: Gog's soul, man, 'tis not yet two days fully ended
Since my dame Gurton, I'm sure, these breeches amended!
But 'cham made such a drudge, to trudge at every need,
'Chwould rend it though it were stitched with sturdy pack-thread.
Diccon: Hodge, let thy breeches go, and speak and tell me soon
What devil ails Gammer Gurton and her maid, Tyb, to frown?
Hodge: Tush, man! Thou'rt deceived! 'Tis their daily look; 8
They cower so over the coals that their eyes be bleared with smoke.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 5
1
'cham: Ich am, I am—a Southern dialect of English; Hodge's words beginning with 'ch are in this "country bumpkin"
dialect.
2
See! 'cham…dirt: Look at me! I'm all messy from digging in the dirt.
3
Squirt: diarrhea
4
Gog's: a euphemism for God's. Hodge and the others are profane in their speech.
5
Stuff: cloth
6
If I…sworn: if I were now under oath
7
Next remedy: handiest solution
8
'Tis their…look: They're not frowning—they always look like that!

Diccon: Nay, by the Mass! I perfectly perceived as I came hither,
That either Tyb and her dame had been by the ears together, 1
Or else as great a matter—as thou shalt shortly see.
Hodge: Now Ich beseech our Lord they never better agree! 2
Gammer Gurton's Needle 6
Diccon: By Gog's soul, there they sit as still as stones in the street,
As though they had been taken with fairies, 3 or else with some ill spirit.
Hodge: Gog's heart! I durst have laid my cap to a crown 4
'Chwould learn of some prankum 5as soon as Ich came to town!
Diccon: Why, Hodge, art thou inspired? Or didst thou thereof hear?
Hodge: Nay; but Ich saw such a wonder as Ich saw not this seven year.
Tom Tankard's cow—by Gog's bones!—she set me up her sail,
And flinging about his half-acre, frisking with her tail,
As though there had been in her arse a swarm of bees—
And 'chad not cried, "Tphrowh, whore!" she'd leapt out of his leas! 6
Diccon: Why, Hodge! Lies there cunning in Tom Tankard's cow's tail?
Hodge: Well, Ich have heard some say such tokens 7 do not fail.
But canst thou not tell, in faith, Diccon, why she frowns or whereat?
Hath no man stolen her ducks or hens, or gelded 8 Gib, 9 her cat?
Diccon: What the devil can I tell, man? I could not have one word;
They gave no more heed to my talk than thou wouldst to a lord.
Hodge: Ich cannot still but muse what marvelous thing it is!
'Ch'll in, and know myself what matters are amiss. 10
Diccon: Then farewell Hodge awhile, since thou dost inward haste,
For I will into the good-wife Chat's, to feel how the ale doth taste.
[Exit Diccon into Dame Chat's ale-house]
1
By the ears: fighting
2
Now Ich…agree: Now I pray to the Lord that they always argue with and irritate each other!
3
Taken with fairies: bewitched
4
Laid my …crown: bet my cap against a crown
5
'Chwould learn … prankum: I would learn about some prank, some odd happening
6
And 'chad…leas: And if I hadn't cried, 'Whoa, whore!' she would have leapt out of his pastures.
7
Tokens: omens
8
Gelded: spayed; later, the cat is consistently referred to as "she."
9
Gib: a common name (short for Gilbert) for a cat, especially an old and cranky tom-cat, though this one is female.
10
Ich cannot…amiss: I still can't help wondering what strange thing has happened. I'll go in and find out for myself what's
wrong.

THE FIRST ACT
The Third Scene
[Hodge remains; later Tyb enters]
Gammer Gurton's Needle 7
Hodge: 'Cham aghast, by the Mass! Ich wot 1 not what to do.
'Chad need to bless me well before ich go them to!
[He crosses himself]
Perchance some felon spirit may haunt our house indeed,
And then 'chwere but a noddy 2 to venture where 'chave no need!
[While he stands at the door, afraid to enter, Tyb comes out
of the house]
Tyb: 'Cham worse than mad, 3 by the Mass, to be in this state!
'Cham chid, 4 'cham blamed, and beaten all t'hours of the day,
Lamed, and hunger-starved, pricked up all in jags, 5
Having no patch to hide my back save a few rotten rags!
Hodge: I say, Tyb – if thou be Tyb, as Tyb I feel sure thou be –
What the devil make-a-do 6 is this between our dame and thee?
Tyb: Gog's bread, Hodge, thou had a good turn thou were not here this while! 7
It had been better for some of us to have been hence a mile! 8
My Gammer is so out of course and frantic all at once
That Cocke, our boy, and I, poor wretch, have felt it in our bones!
Hodge: What is the matter – say on, Tyb – whereat she taketh on?
Tyb: She is undone, she sayeth! Alas, her joy and life is gone!
If she hears not of some comfort, she is, she sayeth, but dead;
There shall never come within her lips one inch of meat or bread!
Hodge: By 'r Lady, 'cham not very glad to see her in this dump. 9
'Chold a noble 10 her stool has fallen and she has broke her rump!
1
Wot: know
2
Noddy: fool
3
Mad: insane
4
Chid: scolded
5
Pricked up all in jags: scraped and bruised
6
Make-a-do: uproar, disagreement
7
Thou had…while: It's a good thing for you that you weren't here a while ago!
8
Hence a mile: a mile away
9
By'r Lady: By the Virgin Mary, I'm not glad to see her in such sorrow.
10
'Chold a noble: "I'd hold a noble": I'd bet a noble (a coin)

Tyb: Nay, if that were the worst we would not greatly care,
For bursting of her huckle-bone 1 or breaking of her chair;
But greater, greater is her grief! As Hodge, we shall all feel.
Hodge: Gog's wounds, Tyb! My gammer has never lost her – nee'le? 2
Tyb: Her nee'le!
Hodge: Her nee'le?
Tyb: Her nee'le!
By him that made me, it is true, Hodge, I tell thee!
Hodge: Gog's sacrament, I would she had lost th'heart out of her belly!
The devil, or else his dame, they owed her, sure, a shame! 3
How a murrain 4 came this chance – say, Tyb – unto our dame?
Gammer Gurton's Needle 8
Tyb: My gammer sat her down on her piece, 5 and bade me reach thy breeches; 6
And by-and-by – a vengeance in it! – ere she had take two stitches
To clap a clout upon thy arse, by chance aside she leers, 7
And Gib, our cat, in the milk-pan she spied over head and ears!
"Ah, whore! Out, thief!" she cried aloud, and swept the breeches down,
Up went her staff, and out leapt Gib outdoors into the town.
And since that time was never wight 8 could set their eyes upon it.
Gog's malison, 'Chave Cocke and I bid twenty times light on it! 9
Hodge: And is not, then, my breeches sewed up, tomorrow that I should wear? 10
Tyb: No, in faith, Hodge. Thy breeches lie, for all this, never the nearer. 11
1
Huckle-bone: hip bone
2
Nee'le: Hodge and Tyb pronounce "needle" in this countrified way.
3
The devil . . . shame: Surely the devil or his wife owed her some grief and shame!
4
Murrain: plague. This is a mild oath, similar to "How the devil did it happen?"
5
Piece: stool (but with perhaps a naughty second meaning of butt)
6
Bade me…breeches: Told me to hand her your breeches. This is an old-fashioned use of "reach" that is still sometimes
heard in the U.S. South: "Reach me that" means "hand me that."
7
To clap … leers: "To sew a cloth to cover your ass, she accidentally glanced aside."
8
Wight: anyone, any person
9
Gog's malison . . . it!: God's curse, but twenty times have Cocke and I been bid to find it!
10
Hodge is anxious that his breeches be sewed in time for church the next day because he wants to be there to see a young
woman, Kirstian Clack, who smiled at him last Sunday; this will be explained in Act 2, Scene 1.
11
Nearer: that is, never the nearer to being mended.

Gammer Gurton's Needle 9
Hodge: Now a vengeance light on all the sort, that better should have kept it – 1
The cat, the house, and Tyb our maid, that better should have swept it!
[He spies Gammer coming out.]
See where she's coming, crawling! Come on, in twenty devil's way! 2
You have made a fair day's work, have you not? Pray you, say! 3
THE FIRST ACT
The fourth scene.
[Gammer enters from her house. Hodge and Tyb
remain; Cocke enters later.]
Gammer: Alas, Hodge! Alas! I may well curse and ban
This day, that ever I saw it, with Gib and the milk-pan!
For this, and ill luck together, as knoweth Cocke, my boy,
Have struck away my dear nee'le, and robbed me of my joy!
My fair, long, straight nee'le that was my only treasure!
The first day of my sorrow is, and last end of my pleasure! 4
Hodge: Might have kept it when you had it! But fools will be fools still!
Lose that is fast 5 in your hands? You need not, but you will!
Gammer: Go hie thee, Tyb, and run, thou whore, to the end here of the town! 6
Didst carry out dust in thy lap; seek where thou poured it down;
And, as thou sawest me raking in the ashes while I mourned,
So see in all the heap of dust thou leave no straw unturned!
Tyb: That 'Chall, Gammer, swithe and tight, 7 and soon be here again!
Gammer: Tyb! Stoop and look down to the ground! To it, and take some pain! 8
Hodge: Here is a pretty matter! To see this gear how it goes! 9
By Gog's soul, I think you would lose your arse if it were loose!
Your nee'le lost? It is a pity you should lack care and endless sorrow! 10
Gog's death, how shall my breeches be sewed? Shall I go thus tomorrow? 11
1
Now a vengeance … it: Now may something bad happen to all the things that should have made the situation better but
didn't! Hodge is cursing everything that caused Gammer Gurton to fail in sewing up his breeches.
2
Come on . . . way: Hurry up, in the name of twenty devils!
3
You have . . . say: You’ve done a pretty piece of work today, haven't you? Please tell me that!
4
The first . . . pleasure: This is the first day of my lasting sorrow and the day that ends all my joy.
5
Fast: as a countryman from the South of England, Hodge would pronounce his f's like v's, so this would come out "vast".
He's saying "Lose something that you're holding tight in your hands? You shouldn't—but of course you would!"
6
Go hie . . . town: Go run fast, Tyb, you whore, to the ash-heaps and dumps on the edge of town.
7
Swathe and tight: quickly and thoroughly
8
Take some pain: Be very careful!
9
To see . . . goes: To see how this business runs
10
It is a pity . . . sorrow: It's too bad you're not condemned to eternal woe and sorrow!
11
Tomorrow, we'll see, is Sunday. Both pairs of Hodge's breeches have rips in the seat. What will he wear to church?

Gammer Gurton's Needle 10
Gammer: Ah, Hodge, Hodge! If that Ich could find my nee'le, by the reed, 1
'Chould 2 sew thy breeches, Ich promise thee, with full good double thread.
And set a patch on either knee should last these months twain. 3
Now God and good Saint Sithe 4 I pray to send it home again!
Hodge: Whereto served your hands and eyes but this your nee'le to keep? 5
What devil had you else to do? You kept, Ich wot, no sleep! 6
'Cham fain abroad to dig and delve, in water, mire, and clay,
Sossing and possing in the dirt still from day to day; 7
A hundred things that be abroad, 'Cham set to see them well –
And four of you sit idle at home and cannot keep a nee'le!
Gammer: My nee'le, alas! Ich lost it, Hodge, what time Ich me up-hasted 8
To save the milk set up for thee, which Gib our cat hath wasted.
Hodge: The devil he burst both Gib and Tyb, with all the rest!
'Cham always sure of the worst end, whoever have the best!
Where have you been fidgeting abroad since you your nee'le lost?
Gammer: Within the house, and at the door, sitting by this same post,
Where I was looking a long hour before these folks came here.
But welaway! 9 All was in vain; my nee'le is never the nearer!
Hodge: Set me a candle; let me seek and grope wherever it be.
Gog's heart, you be so foolish, Ich think you know it not when it you see!
Gammer: Come hither, Cocke! What, Cocke, I say!
Cocke: How, Gammer!
[Gammer's boy servant Cocke enters from the house]
1
Reed: cross
2
'Chould: Ich would, I would
3
These months twain: the next two months
4
Saint Sithe: Saint Swithen?
5
Whereto served. . . keep? Why else did you have hands and eyes but to hang onto this needle?
6
You kept . . . sleep! You didn't, I know (Ich wot) get any sleep! (So why weren't you watching your needle?)
7
'Cham fain . . . day: I'm sent out to work with shovel and pick in the water, in the mud, and in the clay, splashing and getting
stuck in the dirt continuously from day to day.
8
Up-hasted: hurriedly jumped up
9
Welaway: alas; too bad

Gammer Gurton's Needle 11
Gammer: Go hie thee soon,
And grope behind the old brass pan; which thing when thou hast done,
There shalt find and old shoe; wherein, if thou look well,
Thou shalt find lying an inch of white tallow candle.
Light it, and bring it tight away.
Cocke: That shall be done anon. 1
[Cocke exits back into the house]
Gammer: Nay, tarry, 2 Hodge, 'til thou hast light, and then we'll seek each one. 3
Hodge: Come away, you whoreson 4 boy! Are you asleep? You must have a crier! 5
Cocke: I cannot get the candle lighted; here is almost no fire. 6
Hodge: 'Chi'll hold 7 thee a penny 'Chi'll make thee come if that Ich may catch thine
ears! 8
Art deaf, thou whoreson boy? Cocke, I say, why canst not hear?
Gammer: Beat him not, Hodge, but help the boy, and come you two together.
[Hodge exits by rushing inside the house.]
THE FIRST ACT
The Fifth Scene
[Gammer remains. Tyb enters. Cocke and Hodge will
enter later.]
Gammer: How now, Tyb? Quick, let's hear what news thou hast brought hither!
Tyb: 'Chave tossed and tumbled yonder heap over and over again,
And winnowed 9 it through my fingers as men would winnow grain,
Not so much as a hen's turd but in pieces I tore it,
Or what so ever clod or clay I found, I did not spare it,
Looking within and eke 10 without to find your nee'le, alas!
But all in vain and without help. Your nee'le is where it was! 11
1
Anon: at once
2
Tarry: wait
3
Then we'll seek each one: Then we'll both search (for the needle)
4
Whoreson: "son of a whore." A common insult of the time.
5
You must have a crier: You need someone formally sent to call you and wake you up!
6
Cocke is trying to light the candle from the embers left in the fireplace, but is having no luck.
7
'Chi'll hold: I'll bet. 'Chi'll is pronounced to rhyme with will. The initial sound, -ch, is not a hard one, as in child, but more
like the sound in the German word ich.
8
'Chi'll hold . . . ears! "I'll bet you a penny I can make you come if I slap you around your ears!"
9
Winnowing is separating the chaff (husks) of grain from the kernels; Tyb has been sifting through all the dust and dirt she
dumped after cleaning the house.
10
Eke: also
11
Your nee'le . . . was: Your needle is still lost.

Gammer: Alas, my nee'le! We shall never meet! Adieu! Adieu for aye! 1
Tyb: Not so, Gammer; we might it find, if we knew where it lay.
[Cocke enters from the house, laughing]
Cocke: Gog's cross, Gammer! If ye will 2 laugh, look in but at the door,
And see how Hodge lies tumbling and tossing amid the flour!
Raking there some fire to find among the ashes dead –
Where there is not one spark so big as a pin's head –
At last in a dark corner two sparks he thinks he sees,
Which were, indeed, nought else but Gib our cat's two eyes!
"Puff!" went Hodge, thinking thereby to have fire without doubt; 3
With that Gib shut her two eyes – and so the fire was out!
And by and by them opened, even as they were before;
With that, the sparks appeared even as they had done of yore;
And even as Hodge blew the fire, as he did think,
Gib, as she felt the blast, straight-way 4 began to wink.
'Til Hodge fell off swearing, as came best to his turn, 5
The fire was sure bewitched, and therefore would not burn.
At last Gib [ran] up the stairs among the old post and pins,
And Hodge he hied him after 'til broke were both his shins –
Cursing and swearing oaths [that] were never of his making,
That Gib would fire the house if that she were not taken!
Gammer: See! Here is all the thought that the foolish urchin taketh!
And Tyb, methinks 6 at his elbow almost as merry maketh!
This is all the wit you have, when others make their moan – 7
Come down, Hodge! Where art thou? And leave the cat alone!
Gammer Gurton's Needle 12
Hodge: [Calling from inside the house]
Gog's heart, help and come up! Gib in her tail has fire,
And is like to burn all if she gets a little higher!
"Come down," quoth 8 you? Nay, then you might count me a patch! 9
The house cometh down on your head if it takes on the thatch! 10
1 Aye: ever
2 Will: want to
3 "Puff!" went . . . doubt: Hodge blew on the "sparks" to make them flame up into fire.
4 Straight-way: immediately
5 'Til Hodge . . . turn: Until Hodge started to curse, as he habitually does
6 Methinks: it seems to me
7 See! Here . . . moan: You see? This is all the sense that the foolish rascal Hodge has – and Tyb [who is laughing at Hodge's
misfortune], it seems to me that you are making fun of him – that's all the sense you have, making fun of people who are in
pain!
8 Quoth: says
9 Count me a patch: call me a fool
10 Hodge in his panic assumes the cat's tail is on fire; if she climbs up into the attic, he says, it will catch the thatch (reeds) on
fire, and then the whole house will fall on their heads.

Gammer: It is the cat's eyes, fool, that shineth in the dark!
Hodge: Has the cat, do you think, in every eye a spark?
Gammer: No, but they shine as like fire as ever man see.
Hodge: By the Mass, if she burns all, you'll put the blame on me!
Gammer: Come down and help to seek here our nee'le, that it were found.
Down, Tyb, on thy knees, I say! Down, Cocke, to the ground!
To God I make a vow, and so 1 to good Saint Anne,
A candle shall they have apiece, get it where I can,
If I may my nee'le find in one place or in other. 2
[Hodge enters from the house]
Hodge: Now a vengeance on Gib light, on Gib and Gib's mother,
And all the generation of cats both far and near!
Look on the ground, whoreson? Thinks then the nee'le is here?
Cocke: By my troth, Gammer, I thought your nee'le here I saw,
But when my fingers touched it, I felt it was a straw.
Tyb: See, Hodge! What's this? May it not be within it?
Hodge: Break it, fool, with thy hand, and see if thou canst find it?
Tyb: Nay, break it you, Hodge, according to your word. 3
Hodge: Gog's sides! Fie, 4 it stinks! It is a cat's turd!
It were well done to make thee eat it, by the Mass!
Gammer: This matter amendeth not; 5 my nee'le is still where it was;
Our candle is at an end: let us all in quite, 6
And come another time when we have more light.
[They all exit into the house; Act 1 ends.]
Gammer Gurton's Needle 13
1
So: also
2
Gammer swears she will light a candle in church – no matter how hard it will be for her to find two good candles – to both
God and St. Anne if they will let her find the candle.
3
Nay, break . . . word: No, you break it Hodge, the way you told me to do it.
4
Fie: an interjection expressing disgust, disapproval
5
This matter . . . not: The cat's turd doesn't help a bit
6
Let us all in quite: let's all of us go inside

THE SECOND ACT
First, a song:
Back and side, go bare, go bare,
Both foot and hand, go cold:
But belly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old!
I cannot eat but little meat,
My stomach is not good;
But sure, I think that I can drink
With him that wears a hood.
Though I go bare, take you no care,
I am nothing a-cold;
I stuff my skin so full within,
Of jolly good ale and old!
Back and side, go bare, go bare,
Both foot and hand, go cold:
But belly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old!
I love no roast but a nut-brown toast,
And a crab 1 laid in the fire;
A little bread shall do me stead,
Much bread I do not desire.
No frost or snow, no wind, I trow, 2
Can hurt me if I wold,
I am so wrapped and thoroughly lapped
Of jolly good ale and old!
Back and side, go bare, go bare,
Both foot and hand, go cold:
But belly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old!
And Tyb, my wife, that as her life
Loveth well good ale to seek,
Full oft drinks she 'til you may see
The tears run down her cheeks;
Then doth she troll to me the bowl,
Even as a maltworm should,
And sayeth, "Sweetheart, I took my part
Of this jolly good ale and old.
1
Crab: crab-apple. They were roasted in the fire and then popped into a glass of ale
2
Trow: believe
Gammer Gurton's Needle 14

Back and side, go bare, go bare,
Both foot and hand, go cold:
But belly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old!
Now let them drink 'til they nod and wink,
Even as good fellows should do;
They shall not miss to have the bliss
Good ale doth bring me to.
And all poor souls that have scoured bowls,
Or have them lustily trolled,
God save the lives of them and their wives,
Whether they be young or old!
Back and side, go bare, go bare,
Both foot and hand, go cold:
But belly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old!
THE SECOND ACT
The First Scene
Gammer Gurton's Needle 15
[Diccon enters from Dame Chat's ale-house, holding a
pot of ale. Hodge enters later.]
Diccon: Well done, by Gog's malt! Well sung and well said!
Come on, Mother Chat, as thou art [a] true maid!
One fresh pot of ale let's see, to make an end,
Against this cold weather my naked arms to defend! 1
[Dame Chat hands him out a fresh pot of ale; he
drinks it off in one long swallow.]
This gear, it warms the soul! Now wind, blow on thy worst!
And let us drink and swill 'til that our bellies burst!
Which way my journey lieth? Or where will Diccon dine?
But one good turn I have: be it by night or day,
South, east, north, or west, I am never out of my way! 2
[Hodge enters from Gammer's house; he holds a piece
of barley bread in one hand and an empty milk pan in
the other.]
1
One fresh…defend: Let's have one more pot of ale for the road, to keep me warm in this cold weather.
2
But one . . . way! But I have one bit of good luck; [since I'm homeless,] by night or day, anywhere to the south, east, north,
or west, I'm never lost!

Hodge: 'Cham goodly rewarded, 'Cham I not, do you think?
'Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink! 1
Neither butter, cheese, milk, onions, flesh, nor fish,
Save this poor piece of barley bread – 'tis a pleasant costly dish! 2
Gammer Gurton's Needle 16
Diccon: Hail, fellow Hodge, and well to fare 3 with thy meat – if thou hast any!
But by thy words, as I them smelled, thy dainties be not many!
Hodge: Dainties, Diccon? Gog's soul, man, save this piece of dry horse-bread,
'Chave bit no bite this live-long day; no crumb's come in my head;
My guts, they yawl-crawl, 4 and all my belly rumbleth;
The puddings 5 cannot lie still, each one over t'other tumbleth.
By Gog's heart, 'Cham so vext 6 and in my belly penned,
'Chould one piece were at the spittlehouse, another at the castle's end! 7
Diccon: Why, Hodge, was there none at home thy dinner for to set?
Hodge: Gog's bread, Diccon, Ich came too late; was nothing there to get!
Gib – a foul fiend might on her light! – licked the milk pan so clean –
See, Diccon, 'twas not so well washed these seven years, I ween! 8
A pestilence 9 light on all ill luck! 'Chad thought yet, for all this,
Of a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst I should not miss;
But when Ich sought a slip to cut, as Ich was wont to do,
Gog's soul, Diccon, Gib our cat hat eat the bacon, too! 10
Diccon: Ill luck, says he? Marry, 11 swear it, Hodge! This day, the truth to tell,
Thou rose not on the right side, or else blessed thee not well. 12
Thy milk slopped up, thy bacon filched – that was too bad luck, Hodge!
1 Swink: hard work; toil
2 Hodge is complaining; his speech is ironic and sarcastic – after all his hard work, for his supper he gets no butter, cheese,
milk, onions, meat, or fish, but just a piece of coarse, cheap barley bread.
3 Well to fare: I hope you enjoy
4 Yawl-crawl: growl and cramp
5 The puddings: my guts
6 'Cham so vext: Ich am so vext, I am so troubled
7 'Chould one . . . end! I would (I wish) one [of the two women, Gammer and Tyb] were in the hospital, and the other locked
up in the castle dungeon!
8 Ween: believe
9 Pestilence: plague
10 Well . . . no. The audience knows that Diccon stole the hanging bacon and traded it to Dame Chat for his ale.
11 Marry: a mild oath: "By the Virgin Mary"
12 Thou rose . . . well: You didn't get out of the right side of the bed, or else you didn't say your prayers.

Gammer Gurton's Needle 17
Hodge: Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault – my Gammer gave me the dodge! 1
See'st not how 'Cham rent and torn – my heels, my knees, and my breech?
'Chad thought as Ich sat by the fire, help here and there a stitch; 2
But there I was pooped 3 indeed!
Diccon: Why, Hodge?
Hodge: Boots not, 4 man, to tell.
'Cham so dressed 5 amongst this sort of fools 'Chad better be in hell! 6
My Gammer, 'Cham ashamed to say, by God, served me not well!
Diccon: How so, Hodge?
Hodge: Has she not gone, trowest 7 now, and lost her nee'le?
Diccon: Her eel, Hodge? Who fished of late? That was a dainty dish! 8
Hodge: Tush, tush, her nee'le! Her nee'le! Her nee'le man! 'Tis neither flesh nor fish!
A little thing, with a hole in the end, as bright as any silver,
Small, long, sharp at the point, and straight as any pillar.
Diccon: I know not what the devil thou meanest! Thou bringest me more in doubt! 9
Hodge: Knowest thou not with what Tom Tailor's man sits broaching through a clout? 10
A nee'le! Nee'le! A nee'le! My Gammer's nee'le is gone!
Diccon: Her needle, Hodge? Now I smell thee! That was a chance alone! 11
By the Mass, thou hadst a shameful loss if it were but for thy breeches!
Hodge: Gog's soul, man, 'Chould give a crown 12 had it but three stitches!
Diccon: How sayest thou, Hodge? What should he have, again thy needle got? 13
Hodge: By m'father's soul, and 'Chad it, 'Chould give him a new groat! 1
1
Dodge: slip – Gammer is hiding from me.
2
'Chad thought . . . stitch: I had thought that while I sat by the fire (and could take off my pants) that she would help me by
taking a few stitches in the seat of my breeches.
3
Pooped: cheated, defeated (the metaphor is of a ship overtaken by a wave tall enough to break on the rear, or poop deck,
sinking the ship)
4 Boots not: It's useless
5 Dressed: ruined
6 Among this . . . in hell: I'm so miserable living with these fools that I'd rather be in hell.
7 Trowest: don't you think?
8 Her eel . . . dish: Her eel, Hodge? Who went fishing today? An eel is dainty food!
9 Thou bringest . . . doubt: You're just making me more confused.
10 Knowest thou . . . clout? Don't you know what Tom the Tailor's apprentice uses when he sticks it through a cloth?
11 Her needle . . . alone: Her needle, Hodge? Now I get you! That was bad luck!
12 'Chould give a crown: I'd pay a crown (a crown was a coin worth five shillings, or a quarter of a pound – a good bit of
money for a poor man!)
13 How sayest . . . got: Oh, really, Hodge? If someone found the needle, what would he get?

Diccon: Canst thou keep counsel 2 in this case?
Hodge: Else 'Chwould my tongue were out.
Diccon: Do thou but then by my advice, 3 and I will fetch it without doubt.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 18
Hodge: 'Chi'll run, 'Chi'll ride, 'Chi'll dig, 'Chi'll delve, 'Chi'll toil, 'Chi'll drudge, shalt
see;
'Chi'll hold, 'Chi'll draw, 4 'Chi'll pull, 'Chi'll pinch, 'Chi'll kneel on my bare knee;
'Chi'll scrape, 'Chi'll scratch, 'Chi'll sift, 'Chi'll bow, 'Chi'll bend, 'Chi'll sweat,
'Chi'll stoop, 'Chi'll stir, 'Chi'll cap, 'Chi'll kneel, 'Chi'll creep on hands and feet;
'Chi'll be thy bondman, 5 Diccon, Ich swear by sun and moon.
And 'Chave not somewhat to stop this gap, 6 'Cham utterly undone!
[He points unhappily at the big rip in the seat of his
breeches.]
Diccon: Why, is there any special cause thou takes thereat such sorrow?
Hodge: Kirstian Clack, Tom Simpson's maid, by the Mass, comes hither tomorrow!
'Cham not able to say between us what may hap –
She smiled at me the last Sunday when I took off my cap.
Diccon: Well, Hodge, this is a matter of weight and must be kept close;
It might else turn to both our costs, as the world now goes. 7
Shalt swear to be no blab, 8 Hodge!
Hodge: 'Ch will, Diccon!
Diccon: Then go to! 9
Lay thy hand here; say after me as thou shall hear me do.
Hast no book? 10
Hodge: 'Chave no book, I.
1 By m'father's . . . groat: By my father's soul, if I had it, I'd give him a new groat! A groat was a coin worth four pennies.
Here and elsewhere, by the way, Hodge would pronounce the f in father as v.
2 Keep counsel: keep a secret
3 Do thou . . . advice: Then do just what I advise
4
Draw: pull, haul
5
Bondman: a servant bound by contract to work without wages
6
And 'Chave . . . gap: If I don't have something to stop this gap (mend this rip in my breeches)
7
Well, Hodge . . . goes: Well, Hodge, this is a serious matter and must be kept secret. (If people learned about it) it might
otherwise cause us both trouble, as the world is these days.
8
Blab: tattletale, loose talker
9
Go to: shut up (make your mouth go to)
10
Hast thou no book? Don't you have a Bible?

Diccon: Then needs must force us both
Upon my breech 1 to lay thy hand, and there to take thy oath.
Hodge: I, Hodge, breechesless,
Swear to Diccon, recheless, 2
By the cross that I shall kiss,
To keep his counsel close,
And always me to dispose
To work that his pleasure is. 3
Diccon: Now, Hodge, see thou take heed
And do as I thee bid.
For so I judge it meet
This needle again to win –
There is no shift therein
But [to] conjure up a spirit! 4
Hodge: [He trembles with fear]
What! The great devil? Diccon, I say!
Diccon: Yea, by my faith, that is the way –
Fet 5 with some pretty charm!
Hodge: And shall Ich be here safe from their claws?
Diccon: The Master Devil with his long paws
[From] Here to thee cannot reach!
Now will I settle me to this gear. 6
Gammer Gurton's Needle 19
[Hodge places his hand on Diccon's butt, and he
recites the oath after Diccon, line by line]
[Diccon indicates that Hodge must kiss his arse, and
he does.]
[Diccon begins to draw a magic circle on the ground]
[Diccon draws a much larger circle for himself and
steps inside it, then begins to conjure.]
1
Then needs . . . breech: In that case, we'll have to put our hands on my arse
2
Recheless: careless
3
And always . . . is: And always do what I can to work for him and please him.
4
Now, Hodge . . . spirit! Now, Hodge, be careful to listen and do just what I say, because I think it's necessary that, to find
this needle again – there's no way to do it, except to conjure up a spirit!
5
Fet: bound. Diccon says they'll call the devil, but bind him with a magic spell so he can't hurt them.
6
Now will . . . gear: Now I'll get right down to business!

Hodge: [Squirming nervously]
I say, Diccon, hear me, hear!
Go softly to this matter! 1
Diccon: What [the] devil, man! Art afraid of nought? 2
Hodge: Canst not tarry a little thought
'Til I make a courtesy of water? 3
Gammer Gurton's Needle 20
Diccon: Stand still to it! Why shouldst thou fear him?
[Continues to conjure. Hodge farts in terror.]
Hodge: Gog's sides, Diccon, methinks I hear him!
And [I] tarry, [I'll] mar all! 4
Diccon: This matter is no worse than I told it. 5
Hodge: [Squirming desperately and clutching at his butt]
By the Mass, 'Cham able no longer to hold it!
Too bad! Ich must befoul the hall!
[Hodge – how to put this delicately? Oh, well. Hodge
craps his pants.]
Diccon: Stand to it, Hodge! Stir not, you whore's son!
[He holds his nose.]
What [the] devil? Be thine arse-strings bursten? 6
Thyself a while but stay!
The devil – I smell him! – will be here anon! 7
Hodge: Hold him fast, Diccon! 'Cham gone! 'Cham gone!
'Chi'll not be at that fray!
[Hodge runs off, clutching the pile in his breeches seat]
1
Go softly . . . matter!: Be very careful!
2
Are you afraid of a mere nothing?
3
Canst not . . . water?: Can't you pause and think about it a minute while I run and take a pee?
4
And tarry…all: If I wait around here, I'm sure I'll ruin everything!
5
This matter . . . told: Don't worry, I have everything under control, as I said.
6
Be thine arse-strings bursten?: Has your rectum broken open?
7
Anon: immediately

THE SECOND ACT
The Second Scene
[Diccon remains; Dame Chat enters later]
Gammer Gurton's Needle 21
Diccon: Fie, shitty knave! And out upon thee!
Above all other louts, fie on thee! 1
Is not here a cleanly prank?
But thy matter was no better,
Nor thy presence here no sweeter,
To fly I can thee thank! 2
Here is a matter worthy of glossing, 3
Of Gammer Gurton's needle losing,
And a foul piece of work!
A man, I think, might make a play,
And need no word to this they say,
Being but half a clerk. 4
Soft, let me alone! I will take the charge
This matter further to enlarge
Within a time short.
If you will mark my toys and note,
I will give you leave to cut my throat,
If I make not good sport. 5
[He goes toward Dame Chat's house and calls out at
the door.]
Dame Chat, I say! Where be ye? Within?
Chat: Who have we there making such a din?
Diccon: Here is a good fellow, making no great danger.
[Dame Chat enters from her house, holding some
playing cards]
Chat: What? Diccon? Come nearer – ye be no stranger.
We be fast set at trumps, 6 man, hard by the fire.
Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little nigher.
1
Fie on thee: Shame on you!
2
But thy . . . thank: But what you produced was so foul, and your presence made the place stink so much, that I thank you for
running away!
3
Glossing: explaining
4
I.e., even a half-educated man could write a play about the events so far.
5
Soft, let . . . sport: But let me alone for awhile, and I'll cause even more trouble soon. If you aren't amused by my tricks,
then you can cut my throat if I don't give you something to laugh about.
6
We be …trumps: We're playing a game of cards.

Diccon: Nay, nay, there is no tarrying; I must be gone again.
But first, for you in counsel 1 I have a word or twain.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 22
Chat: Come hither, Doll!
[Doll, Dame Chat's maid, enters from Dame Chat's
house]
Doll, sit down and play this game,
And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same.
There is five trumps beside the queen – the hindmost thou shalt find her2 Take heed of Sam Glover's wife; she has an eye behind her! 3
[Doll takes the hand of cards and exits into the house]
Now Diccon, say thy will.
Diccon: Nay, soft a little yet!
I would not tell it my sister, he matter is so great.
There I will have you swear by our dear Lady of Bullaine,
Saint Dunstan, and Saint Dominic, with the three Kings of Coloyn, 4
That you shall keep it secret.
Chat: Gog's bread, that will I do!
As secret as my own thought, by God, and [by] the Devil too!
Diccon: Here is Gammer Gurton, your neighbor, a sad and heavy wight 5 –
Her goodly fair red cock 6 at home was stolen this last night.
Chat: Gog's soul! Her cock with the yellow legs, that nightly crowed so just? 7
Diccon: That cock is stolen.
Chat: What! Was he fet 8 out of the hen's roost?
Diccon: I cannot tell where the devil he was kept, under key or lock,
But Tyb has tickled 9 in Gammer's ear that you should steal the cock. 10
Chat: Have I, young whore? By bread and salt –
1
Counsel: secret
2
The hindmost . . . her: You will find her at the end of the row of five cards
3
Take heed . . . her: Be careful in passing Sam Glover's wife that she doesn't see my hand – she has eyes in the back of her
head!
4
Lady of Bullaine . . . Cullaigne: The Lady of Bullaine is an icon of the Virgin Mary at the Cathedral of Boulogne; St.
Dunstan was an Archbishop of Canterbury who died in 988 and who in a legend is said to have nipped the Devil's nose with
red-hot tongs; St. Dominic died in 1221 and was a Spanish friar who founded the Dominican Order; the Three Kings of
Coloyn were the Three Wise Men, supposed to have come from Cologne to the Holy Land.
5
Sad and heavy wight: a sad and depressed individual
6
Cock: Rooster. Of course.
7
Just: accurately, right on time
8
Fet: fetched, taken
9
Tickled: whispered
10
That is, Tyb has whispered to Gammer that you're the one who took her chicken.

Diccon: What, soft, I say! Be still!
Say not one word for all this gear. 1
Gammer Gurton's Needle 23
Chat: By the Mass, that I will!
I will have the young whore by the head and the old trot 2 by the throat!
Diccon: Not one word, Dame Chat, I say! Not one word, for my coat!
Chat: Shall such a beggar's brat as that, think'st thou, make me a thief!
The pox 3 light on her whore's sides! A pestilence and a mischief!
[She angrily rushes toward Gammer Gurton's house]
Come out, thou hungry, needy bitch! Oh, that my nails be short! 4
[Diccon holds her back]
Diccon: Gog's bread, woman, hold your peace! This gear will else pass sport! 5
I would not for a hundred pounds this matter should be known,
That I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown! 6
Did you not swear you would be ruled, before the tale I told?
I said you must all secrets keep, and you said sure you would.
Chat: Would you suffer yourself, Diccon, such a sort to revile you,
With slanderous words to blot your name, and so to defile you?
Diccon: No, goodwife Chat; I would be loath such drabs 7 should blot my name;
But you must yet so order all that Diccon bear no blame.
Chat: Go to, then! What is your rede? 8
Say on your mind; you shall me rule herein.
Diccon: God 'a mercy to Dame Chat! In faith, thou must the gear begin.
It is twenty pound to a goose turd my Gammer will not tarry,
But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs can her carry
To brawl with you about her cock. For well I heard Tyb say
The cock was roasted in your house for breakfast yesterday;
And when you had the carcass eaten, the feathers you out flung;
And Doll, your made, the legs she hid a foot deep in the dung.
Chat: Oh, gracious God! My heart is bursted!
1
Say not . . . gear: Don't say one word about all this trouble.
2
Trot: hag
3
Pox: syphillis
4
O that…short: I'm sorry my nails are so short [or I would scratch you]
5
That is, "Be quiet, or else this whole mess will wind up as a joke."
6
That I . . . blown: I don't want people to think I've made up or spread this story.
7
Drabs: sluts
8
Rede: advice

Gammer Gurton's Needle 24
Diccon: Well, rule yourself a space.
And Gammer Gurton, when she commeth anon into this place –
Then to the quean! 1 Let's see . . . tell her your mind, and spare not!
So shall Diccon blameless be, and then go to, 2 I care not!
Chat: Then, whore, beware her throat! I can abide no longer! 3
In faith, old witch, it shall be seen which of us two be stronger!
And Diccon, but at your request, I would not stay here one hour.
Diccon: Well, keep it in 'til she be here, and then out let it pour!
In the meanwhile, get you in, and make no words of this.
More of this matter within this hour to hear you shall not miss.
Because I knew you are my friend, hide it I could not, doubtless.
You know your harm; see you be wise about your own business.
So fare you well!
Chat; Nay, soft, Diccon, and drink. What! Doll, I say!
Bring here a cup of the best ale! Let's see! Come quickly away!
[Doll brings Diccon a cup of ale; he drinks it as Doll
and Chat exit into Dame Chat's alehouse]
THE SECOND ACT
The Third Scene
Diccon: Ye see, masters, that one end tapped of this my short device;
Now must we broach t'other too, before the smoke arise,
And by the time they have a while run, I trust ye need not crave it,
But look what lieth in both their hearts; ye are like sure to have it. 4
[Hodge enters from Gammer Gurton's house. Hodge
has changed to his badly-torn breeches. ]
Hodge: Yea; Gog's soul, art alive yet? What, Diccon, dare Ich come?
Diccon: A man is well hied to trust to thee; I will say nothing but "mum."
But and ye come any nearer, I pray you see all be sweet. 5
Hodge: Tush, man, is Gammer's nee'le found – that 'Chould gladly weet. 6
Diccon: She may thank thee if it isn't found, 7 for if you had kept thy standing,
The devil he would have fet it out, even Hodge at thy commanding.
1
Then to the quean: Then attack the whore!
2
Go to: go to it, fight her
3
Then whore . . . longer: Then let the whore watch her throat! I can't wait any longer [to choke her]!
4
Diccon is addressing the audience: "You see, masters, that I've tapped one end of my short trick. Now we must open the
second one, too, before the smoke begins (before it catches fire?). And by the time things have run awhile – I hope you won't
be too anxious – look what lies in both their hearts. I'm sure you'll see what it is."
5
But and . . . sweet: But if you are coming closer, I beg you to make sure you've cleaned yourself.
6
'Chould gladly weet: I would gladly know.
7
She may . . . found: She will know that it's your fault if it isn't found

Gammer Gurton's Needle 25
Hodge: Gog's heart, and could he tell nothing [about] where the nee'le might be found?
Diccon: Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek e'er we had got our ground, 1
Therefore his tale so doubtful was that I could not perceive it.
Hodge: Then Ich see well something was said; 'Ch hope one day yet to have it,
But Diccon, Diccon, did not the devil cry "Ho, ho ho?"
Diccon: If you hadst tarried where thou stoodst, thou wouldst have said so.
Hodge: Durst swear on a book, 'Ch heard him roar, straight after Ich was gone
But tell me, Diccon, what said the knave; let me hear it anon.
Diccon: The whoreson talked to me. I know not well of what;
One while his tongue it ran and paltered 2 of a cat,
Another while he stammered still upon a rat,
Last of all there was nothing but every word "Chat, Chat!"
But this I well perceived before I would him rid, 3
Between Chat and the Rat and the Cat the needle is hid,
Now whether Gib our cat have eat it in her maw, 4
Or Doctor Rat our curate 5 have found it in the straw,
Or this dame Chat your neighbor have stolen it, God he knoweth;
But by tomorrow at this time we shall learn how the matter goeth.
Hodge: Canst not learn tonight, man, seest what is here?
[Hodge points behind at the great rip in his torn
breeches.]
Diccon: 'Tis not possible to make it sooner appear.
Hodge: Alas, Diccon, then 'Chave no shift but -- lest Ich tarry too long –
Hie me to Sam Glover's shop, there to seek for a thong
Therewith this breech to 'tach and tie as Ich may. 6
Diccon: Tomorrow, Hodge, if we chance to meet – shalt see what I will say.
[Hodge exits down the street]
1
Ye foolish . . .ground: You foolish idiot, you went missing (were to seek) before we knew where we stood.
2
Paltered: prated, spoke foolishly
3
Before I . . . rid: before I would banish him back to hell
4
Maw: stomach
5
Curate: priest
6
Alas Diccon . . . may: Alas, Diccon, then I have no choice but – lest I wait too long – to run to Sym the glover's shop to see
if I can find a thong which I can attach to my breeches and tie the rip up as best I can.

THE SECOND ACT
The Fourth Scene
[Diccon remains]
Diccon: Now this gear must forward go, for here my Gammer cometh.
Be still awhile and say nothing; make here a little roomth! 1
[Gammer Gurton enters from her house]
Gammer: Good Lord, shall never be my luck my nee'le again to spy!
Alas the while, 'tis past my help! Where 'tis, still it must lie!
Diccon: Now, Jesus, Gammer Gurton, what driveth you to this sadness?
I fear, by my conscience, you will sure fall [in]to madness.
Gammer: Who is that? What, Diccon? Clean lost, man! Fie, fie!
Gammer Gurton's Needle 26
Diccon: Marry, fie on them that be worthy! 2 But what should be your trouble?
Gammer: Alas, the more Ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth 3 double!
My goodly tossing spurrier's nee'le 4 'Chave lost, Ich wot not where.
Diccon: Your nee'le! When?
Gammer: My nee'le! Alas, Ich might full ill it spare! 5
As God himself knoweth, ne'er one beside 'Chave. 6
Diccon: If this be all, good Gammer, I warrant you all is safe.
Gammer: Why, know you any tidings which way my nee'le is gone?
Diccon: Yea, that I do, doubtless, as you shall hear anon.
I see a thing this matter touches, within these twenty hours. 7
Even at this gate 8 before my face, by a neighbor of yours:
She stooped me down, 9 and up she took a needle or a pin.
I dare be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin.
1
Roomth: room
2
Them that be worthy: them that deserve shame
3
Waxeth: grows
4
Spurrier's nee'le: a spurrier is a leather-worker who makes harnesses for horses and oxen; a spurrier's needle is a strong and
sharp one.
5
Ich might . . spare: I can hardly do without it!
6
As God . . . 'Chave: As God knows, I have nary a one (not a one) except for that (the one that's lost).
7
I see…hours: Within the past twenty hours I saw something that has to do with this matter.
8 Gate: door
9 Stooped me down: stooped down

Gammer Gurton's Needle 27
Gammer: It was my nee'le, Diccon, Ich wot; 1 for here, even by this post,
Ich sat, what time as Ich up-start, and so my nee'le it lost! 2
Who was it, lief 3 son? Speak, Ich pray thee, and quickly tell me that!
Diccon: A subtle quean 4 as any in this town! Your neighbor here, Dame Chat.
Gammer: Dame Chat, Diccon? Let me be gone! 'Chi'll thither in posthaste! 5
[She rushes toward Dame Chat's house]
Diccon: Take my counsel 6 yet or ye go, for fear you walk in waste! 7
It is a murrion 8 crafty drab, 9 and froward to be pleased; 10
And ye not take the better way, our needle yet ye lose it. 11
For when she took it up, even here before your doors,
"What, soft, Dame Chat," quoth I, "that same is none of yours!"
"Avaunt!" 12 quoth she, "Sir Knave! What pratest thou of that I find? 13
I would thou hadst kissed me I wot where!" – she meant, I know, behind.
And home she went as brag 14 as it had been a body louse,
[Diccon continues]
And I after as bold as I had been the goodman of the house.
But there and 15 ye had heard her how she began to scold –
The tongue, it went on pattens, 16 by Him that Judas sold! 17
Each other word, I was a knave, and you a whore of whores,
Because I spoke in your behalf and said the needle was yours.
Gammer: Gog's bread! And thinks the callet 18 thus to keep my nee'le me fro? 19
Diccon: Let her alone, and she minds none other but even to dress you so! 20
1
Ich wot: I know it!
2
It was . . . lost!: It was my needle, Diccon, I know it; for here, right beside this post, I was sitting, until I jumped up and so
lost my needle!
3
Lief: beloved, dear
4
Quean: slut, whore
5
'Chi'll thither in posthaste!: I'll rush straight in there! The mail – the post, in England – was entrusted to the fastest
carriages. To go posthaste was to go at top speed.
6
Counsel: advice
7
Take my . . . waste!: Listen to my advice before you go inside, for fear you're wasting a trip!
8
Murrion: plagued, cursed
9
Drab: whore
10
Froward to be pleased: hard to satisfy, stubborn
11
And ye . . . it: If you don't take the better way, you'll lose your needle yet.
12
Avaunt: Get out of here!
13
What pratest . . . find? Why do you babble about what I've found?
14
Brag: arrogantly, briskly
15
And: if
16
Pattens: wooden shoes, which make a lot of clatter and noise
17
By Him…sold: By Christ (Judas sold out Jesus Christ for thirty pieces of silver)
18
Callet: cheap whore
19
Nee'le me fro?: needle from me?
20
Let her . . . so!: If you don't do something, that's just how she means to treat you!

Gammer: By the Mass, 'Chi'll rather spend the coat that is on my back!
Thinks the false queen by such a slight that 'Chi'll my nee'le lack?
Diccon: Slip not your gear, I counsel you, but of this take good heed: 1
Let not be known I told you of it, how well soever you speed!
Gammer: 'Chi'll in, Diccon, a clean apron to take and set before me;
And Ich may my nee'le once see, 'Chi'll sure remember thee! 2
[Gammer Gurton exits into her house]
THE SECOND ACT
The Fifth Scene
[Diccon remains]
Diccon: Here will the sport begin! If these two once may meet,
Their cheer, durst 3 lay money, will prove scarcely sweet!
My Gammer, sure, intends to be upon her bones
With staves or with clubs or else with cobblestones,
Dame Chat, on the other side, if she be far behind,
I am right far deceived; she is given to it of kind. 4
He that may tarry by it awhile, and that but short,
I warrant him – trust to it – he shall see all the sport.
Into the town will I, my friends to visit there,
And hither straight again to see th' end of this gear.
In the meantime, fellows, pipe up your fiddles! I say take them,
And let 5 your friends here such mirth as you can make them!
Gammer Gurton's Needle 28
[Diccon exits down the street. Musicians play. Act 2
ends.]
1
Heed: notice
2
'Chi'll in . . thee!: I'll go inside, Diccon, to put on a clean apron; if ever again I see my needle, I'll be sure to remember to
reward you!
3
Durst: I would dare
4
Given to it of kind: that way (angry and combative) by nature
5
Let: lend or give

Gammer Gurton's Needle 29
THE THIRD ACT
The First Scene
[Hodge enters, carrying leather thongs and an awl,
returning from Sam Glover's leather shop]
Hodge: Sam Glover, yet gramercy! 1 'Cham meetly well-sped 2 now.
Thou'rt even as good a fellow as ever kissed a cow!
Here is a thong indeed; by the Mass, though Ich speak it,
Tom Tankard's great bald cur-tail, 3 I think, could not break it!
And when he spied my need to be so straight and hard,
He's lent me his awl to set the job forward. 4
As for my Gammer's nee'le, the flying fiend go wi'it! 5
'Chi'll not to the door again with it to meet! 6
'Chould make shift good enough, and 'Chad a candle's end,
The chief hold in my breech with these two 'Chi'll amend. 7
THE THIRD ACT
The Second Scene
[Hodge starts into Gammer's house, but she meets him
at the door]
Gammer: How, Hodge! Mayst now be glad! 'Chave news to tell thee:
Ich know who has my nee'le; Ich trust soon shall it see. 8
Hodge: The devil thou does! Hast heard, Gammer, indeed, or dost but jest?
Gammer: 'Tis as true as steel, Hodge.
Hodge: Why, knowest well where didst lose it?
Gammer: Ich know who found it, and took it up; shalt see, ere it be long.
Hodge: God's mother dear, if that be true, farewell both awl and thong!
But who has it, Gammer? Say on! 'Chould fain hear it disclosed. 9
Gammer: That false vixen, that same Dame Chat, that counts herself 10 so honest!
Hodge: Who told you so?
1
Yet gramercy!: Thanks again!
2
Meetly well-sped: perfectly prepared
3
Cur-tail: a horse with its tail cut short
4
Set the job forward: get the mending done
5
Wi'it: with it
6
That is, "Wherever Gammer's needle is, may the Devil go with it! I wouldn't open the door again to meet him!"
7
'Chould make . . . amend: I should do well enough if I had a candle to see by. With these two things (a leather thong and an
awl to use as a needle), I'll sew up the biggest hole in the seat of my pants.
8
Ich know…see: I know who has my needle, and I hope to see it soon.
9
'Chould fain . . . disclosed: I would really like to hear it.
10
Counts herself: claims that she is

Gammer: That same Diccon the Bedlam, who saw it done.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 30
Hodge: Diccon? It is a vengable knave, 1 Gammer! 'Tis a 'bomnable whoreson! 2
Can do more things than that, else 'Cham deceived evil! 3
By the Mass, Ich saw him of late call up a great black devil!
Oh, the knave cried "Ho, ho!" He roared and he thundered!
And ye'd been here, 'Cham sure you'ld murrenly ha' wondered! 4
Gammer: Wast not thou afraid, Hodge, to see him in this place?
Hodge: No! And had come to me, 'Chould have laid him on the face! 5
'Chould have! Promised him!
Gammer: But, Hodge, had he no horns to push? 6
Hodge: As long as your two arms! Saw you never Friar Rush
Painted on a cloth, with a side long cow's tail,
And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail?
For all the world, if I should judge, 'Chould reckon him his brother.
Look, even what face Friar Rush had, the devil had such another! 7
Gammer: Now Jesus! Mercy! Hodge, did Diccon bring him in?
Hodge: Nay, Gammer, hear me speak! 'Chi'll tell you a greater thing:
The devil, when Diccon had him – Ich heard him wondrous well –
Said plainly here before us that Dame Chat had your nee'le!
Gammer: Then let us go and ask her wherefore she minds 8 to keep it!
Seeing we know so much, 'twere a madness now to sleep it. 9
Hodge: Go to her, Gammer. See ye not where she stands in her doors?
Bid her give you the nee'le. 'Tis none of hers, but yours!
1
Vengable knave: a rascal who deserves to be punished
2
Bomnable whoreson: abominable bastard
3
Can do . . . evil: He can do worse things, or I'm badly mistaken.
4
'Cham sure…wondered: I am sure you would have strongly wondered [at it].
5
And had…face: If he had approached me, I could have knocked him flat on his face!
6
No horns to push: No horns to defend himself with?
7
Friar Rush was a legendary figure: in a 1488 poem printed in German, the Devil disguised himself as a priest and, calling
himself "Friar Rush," he entered a monastery and is set to work in the kitchen. He spends seven years tempting the monks by
procuring women for them and by constantly playing tricks on them, until at last he is exorcized and sent to England – where
he possesses the king's daughter, corrupting her until a Saxon priest again exorcizes him and sends him back to hell. Hodge
refers to a painted cloth, a cheap imitation of a tapestry that poorer people hung on their walls. Hodge is telling Gammer that
it was certainly the Devil because it looked just like "Friar Rush" in the picture.
8
Wherefore she minds: why she intends
9
Sleep it: slip it, let it slide?

Gammer Gurton's Needle 31
THE THIRD ACT
The Third Scene
[Gammer advances to Dame Chat; Hodge keeps at a
safe distance.]
Gammer: Dame Chat, 'Chould pray thee fair, let me have that is mine! 1
'Chi'll not this twenty years 2 take one fart that is thine!
Therefore give me mine own and let me live beside thee! 3
Chat: Why, art thou crept from home hither to my own doors to chide 4 me?
Hence, doting drab! 5 Avaunt, or I shall 'set thee further! 6
Intends thou and that knave me in my house to murder?
Gammer: Tush, gape not so on me, woman! Shalt not yet eat me! 7
Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not entreat me! 8
My own goods I will have, and ask thee on believe. 9
What, woman! Poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve! 10
Chat: Give thee thy rights, and hang thee up with all thy beggar's brood!
What, wilt thou make me a thief and say I stole your goods?
Gammer: 'Chi'll say nothing, Ich warrant thee, but that I can prove it well.
Thou fet 11 my goods even from my door – 'Cham able this to tell!
Chat: Did I, old witch, steal aught that was thine? How should this thing be known?
Gammer: Ich cannot tell; but up thou tookest it, as though it had been thine own!
Chat: Marry, fie on thee, thou old Gib, 12 with all my very heart!
Gammer: Nay, fie on thee, thou ramp, 13 thou rig, 14 with all that take thy part! 15
Chat: A vengeance on those lips that layeth such things to my charge!
Gammer: A vengeance on those callet's 1 hips whose conscience is so large!
1
'Chould pray . . . mine: I would ask you fairly, let me have what is mine!
2
'Chi'll not . . . years: I would never in twenty years
3
Let me live beside thee: let's get along as neighbors
4
Chide: scold
5
Doting drab: foolish slovenly woman, foolish hussy
6
Avaunt, or . . . further: Get out of here, or I shall beset [punish] you further!
7
Tush, gape. . . me!: Shut up, and don't look at me so spitefully, woman! You won't eat me up [as a cat eats a mouse].
8
Nor all . . . me: And I won't listen to all your friends if they beg me to leave you alone!
9
That is, "I ask you believing you will give it to me."
10
That is, "Even poor folks have rights, though it might irritate you [to return my goods to me]."
11
Fet: fetched, filched, stole
12
Gib: cat, a term of abuse for an old woman
13
Ramp: slut
14
Rig: whore
15
With all . . . part: Essentially, "screw you and everyone on your side."

Chat: Come out, hog!
Gammer: Come out, hog! And let me have right!
Chat: Thou arrant 2 witch!
Gammer: Thou bawdy bitch! 'Chi'll make thee curse this night!
Chat: A bag and a wallet! 3
Gammer: A cart for a callet! 4
Chat: Why, weenest 5 thou thus to prevail?
I hold a groat I shall patch thy coat! 6
Gammer Gurton's Needle 32
Gammer: Thou wert as good kiss my tail! 7
Thou slut! Thou cut! Thou rakes! Thou jakes! Will not shame make thee hide? 8
Chat: Thou scald! Thou bald! Thou rotten! Thou glutton! I will no longer chide,
But will teach thee to keep home! 9
Gammer: Wilt thou, drunken beast?
[They fight furiously, biting, scratching, pulling hair,
and so forth]
Hodge: [keeping a safe distance]
Stick to her, Gammer! Take her by the head!
'Chi'll warrant you this feast! 10
Smite, I say, Gammer! Bite, I say, Gammer! I trow 11 you will be keen!
Where be your nails? Claw her by the jaws! Pull out both her eyen! 12
[Dame Chat gets Gammer down on her back,
straddles her, and pummels her with her fists]
Gog's bones, Gammer, hold up your head!
1
Callet's: whore's
2
Arrant: conspicuous, offensive
3
A bag and a wallet: How many ways did they have to call each other "whore," anyway? These are two more.
4
Women arrested for prostitution were humiliated by being hauled through town in an open cart.
5
Weenest: do you think
6
I hold. . . coat: I'll bet you a nickel I'll bruise you up! (A groat was actually a small coin worth four pennies.)
7
That is, "You might as well kiss my arse [as make such a bet]."
8
More bad names: slut is self-explanatory; "cut" may be short for "cutpurse" or thief; "rakes" is a rake-hell, an evil-doer;
"jakes" is an outhouse, an outdoor toilet.
9
And yet more insults: "scald" is "scold, scolding old woman"; "bald, rotten, and glutton" are self-explanatory. "Will teach
thee to keep home" means "I'll teach you that you ought to stay at home [and not bother me]."
10
'Chi'll warrant . . . feast: "I'll guarantee you'll get enough to satisfy you!"
11 Trow: think
12 Eyen: eyes

Gammer Gurton's Needle 33
Chat: I trow, drab, I shall dress thee! 1
[To Hodge]
Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat I shall make these hands bless thee!
[Hodge runs away. Dame Chat continues to beat
Gammer]
Take this, thou old whore, for amends and learn thy tongue well to tame,
And say thou met me at this bickering, not thy fellow but thy dame! 2
[Dame Chat exits; a moment later, Hodge runs back
onstage, holding a heavy club]
Hodge: Where is the strong-stewed whore? 'Chi'll give her a whore's mark!
Stand out one's way, that Ich kill none in the dark!
Up, Gammer, and ye be alive! 'Chi'll fight for us both!
[Dame Chat throws her door open suddenly; Hodge
cowers back.]
Come not near me, thou scolding callet! To kill thee Ich were loath! 3
Chat: Art here again, thou hoddypeak! 4
What, Doll, bring me out my spit! 5
Hodge: 'Chi'll broach 6 thee with this!
By m'father's soul, 'Chi'll conjure that foul spirit!
[He calls back over his shoulder to Cocke, who is
standing in the doorway of Gammer's house]
Let [the] door stand, Cocke! 7 [to Dame Chat:] Why comes indeed?
[To Cocke:] Keep [the] door, thou whoreson boy!
Chat: Stand to it, thou dastard, 8 for thine ears! I'll teach thee, a sluttish toy! 9
[Dame Chat rushes toward Hodge, who runs away
from her.]
Hodge: Gog's wounds, whore, 'Chi'll make thee avaunt!
[He runs inside Gammer's house and slams the door]
Take heed, Cocke, pull in the latch! 10
[Dame Chat stands outside the closed door of
Gammer's house and yells at Hodge inside]
1
Dress thee: fix you
2
And say . . . dame: Tell people that in this fight I wasn't your equal but your better.
3
To kill…loath: I'd hate to have to kill you!
4
Hoddypeak: literally, a snail's shell; figuratively, an idiot
5
Spit: sharp iron pole used to roast meat over a fire
6
Broach: roast
7
Let door . . . Cocke!: Let the door stay open, Cocke! [So Hodge can retreat from Dame Chat if she attacks him.]
8
Dastard: a mean but cowardly person
9
I'll teach…toy: I'll show you, you nasty little creep!
10
Take heed . . . latch!: Hurry, Cocke, and lock the door!

Gammer Gurton's Needle 34
Chat: In faith, sir loose-breeches, had you tarried you should have found your match!
Gammer: Now 'ware thy throat, losel! Thou'se pay for all! 1
[Gammer gets up while Dame Chat is yelling and
attacks her from behind.]
[She throws Dame Chat down on the ground, sits
astride her, and beats her hard.]
Hodge: [from the safety of the doorway:] Well said, Gammer, by my soul!
Hoyse her! Souse her! Bounce her! Trounce her! Pull out her throat-bone!
Chat: Comest thou behind me, thou withered witch? And I get once on foot,
Thou'se pay for all, thou old tar-leather! I'll teach thee what 'longs to it! 2
[They roll around on the ground furiously. Dame Chat
gets on top of Gammer and beats her up again.]
Take this to make up thy mouth 'til time thou come by more! 3
[Dame Chat gets up and exits in triumph. Hodge
creeps cautiously and fearfully out and approaches
Gammer.]
Hodge: Up, Gammer! Stand on your feet. Where is the old whore?
Faith, would 'Chad her by the face! Could crack her callet crown! 4
Gammer: Ah, Hodge, Hodge, where was thy help, when [the] vixen had me down?
Hodge: By the Mass, Gammer, but for my staff, Chat had gone nigh to spoil you!
Ich think the harlot had not cared, and 'Chad not come, to kill you.
But shall we lose our nee'le thus? 5
Gammer: No, Hodge, 'Ch were loath [to] do so.
Thinkest thou 'Chi'll take her at that hand?
No, Hodge, Ich tell thee no! 6
Hodge: 'Chould yet this fray were well take up, 7 and our own nee'le at home.
'Twill be my chance else some[one] to kill, wherever it be or whom! 8
1
Now 'ware . . . all!: Now watch your throat, you louse! I'll make you pay for everything [you did to me]!
2
That is, "If I can get on my feet, again, I'll make you pay, you tough old biddy! I'll show you what you deserve!"
3
Dame Chat bloodies Gammer's mouth and tells her "let that last until you're ready for more!"
4
Faith, would . . . crown: By my faith, I wish I had her by the face – I'd crack her whore's skull!
5
That is, "I swear by the Mass, Gammer, if I hadn't come in with my club, Dame Chat would have nearly ended you – I think
the whore wouldn't have stopped, if I hadn't come, before she killed you." "Spoil" is "spyl" in the original, rhyming with
"kill."
6
That is, "No, Hodge, I'm not ready to do so [lose the needle]; do you think I'd take what she dished out quietly? No, I tell
you – no!"
7
'Chould well . . . up: I really wish this fight had turned out better
8
'Twill be . . . whom: It will be just my luck now to have to kill someone, no matter where it happens or to whom.

Gammer Gurton's Needle 35
Gammer: We have a parson, Hodge, thou knows, a man esteemed wise,
Mast[er] Doctor Rat; 'Chi'll for him send, and let me have his advice.
He will her shrive for all this gear, and give her penance straight;
We's have our nee'le, else Dame Chat comes ne'er within Heaven's gate! 1
Hodge: Yea, marry, Gammer, that Ich think best. Will you now for him send?
The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the sooner we's have an end.
And here, Gammer! Diccon's devil, as Ich remember well,
Of cat, and Chat, and Doctor Rat a felonious tale did tell!
'Chold you forty pound that is the way your nee'le to get again!
Gammer: 'Chi'll have him straight! Call out the boy – we's make him take the pain! 2
Hodge: What, Cocke, I say! Come out! What [the] devil! Canst not hear?
[Cocke enters from Gammer's house]
Cocke: How now, Hodge? How does, Gammer? Is yet the weather clear?
What would [you] have me to do?
Gammer: Come hither, Cocke, anon!
Hence swithe 3 to Doctor Rat, hie thee that thou were gone!
And pray him come speak with me; 'Cham not well at ease.
Shalt have him at his chamber, or else at Mother Bee's; 4
Else seek him at Hob Filcher's shop, for as Ich heard it reported,
There is the best ale in all the town, and now is most resorted. 5
Cocke: And shall Ich bring him with me, Gammer?
Gammer: Yea, by-and-by, 6 good Cocke.
Cocke: Shalt see that [he] shall be here anon, else let me have [one] on the dock! 7
[Cocke exits, running down the street]
Hodge: Now, Gammer, shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming?
What [the] devil, woman! Pluck up your heart, and leave off all this glooming!
Though she were stronger at the first, as Ich think you did find her,
Yet there you dressed the drunk sow that time you came behind her.
1
In other words, the preacher will force Dame Chat to confess, and then will give her a hard punishment (penance strait) and
force her to return the needle – if she doesn't obey, the pastor will send her to hell.
2
We's make . . . pain: We'll have him (Cocke) go to the trouble [of finding the preacher].
3
Hence swithe: Go from here quickly
4
Shalt have . . . Bee's: You'll find him in his rooms, or else in Mother Bee's ale-house
5
There is . . . resorted: It has the best ale in town, and more people go there than to any other ale-house.
6
By-and-by: immediately, right now
7
Dock: tail; Cocke says, "You'll see I'll bring him right here, or swat me on the butt."

Gammer Gurton's Needle 36
Gammer: Nay, nay, 'Cham sure she lost not all, for set th' end to the beginning,
And Ich doubt not but she will make small boast of her winning. 1
[They start to go slowly in]
THE THIRD ACT
The Third Scene
[Tyb hurriedly enters and meets Hodge and Gammer
near the door to Gammer's house]
Tyb: See, Gammer, Gammer, Gib, our cat! 'Cham afraid what she aileth!
She stands me gasping behind the door,
As though her wind her faileth!
Now let Ich doubt what Gib should mean, that now she doth so dote! 2
Hodge: Hold hither! 3 Ich hold twenty pound a year your nee'le is in her throat!
[He takes the cat and squeezes her]
Grope her, Ich say! Methinks 4 Ich feel it. Does not prick your hand?
Gammer: [she feels the cat] Ich can feel nothing!
Hodge: No? Ich knows there's not within this land
A murrainer 5 cat than Gib is, between the Thames and Tyne;
She's as much wit within her head – almost – as Ich have in mine!
Tyb: Faith, she's eaten something that will not easily go down,
Whether she got it at home or abroad in the town,
Ich cannot tell!
Gammer: Alas, Ich fear it be some crooked pin!
And then farewell, Gib! She is undone, and lost – all save the skin. 6
Hodge: 'Tis your nee'le, woman, I lay! 7 Gog's soul, give me a knife,
And 'Chi'll have it out of her maw, or else 'Chall lose my life!
Gammer: What! Nay, Hodge, fie! Kill not our cat! 'Tis all the cats we have now!
Hodge: By the Mass, Dame Chat has me so moved Ich care not what I kill, make God a
vow!
Go to, then Tyb! To this gear! Hold up her tail, and take her!
'Chi'll see what's in her guts! 'Chi'll take the pains to rake her! 8
1
That is, "No, no, I'm sure she didn't think she lost at all. Take the whole fight, beginning to end, and I'm sure she'll be
boasting about how she beat me."
2
Tyb says that Gib is heaving behind the door – as though coughing up a hairball. She wonders what this means.
3
Hold hither: Hand her over!
4
Methinks: Seems to me
5
Murrainer: more cursed
6
That is, if the poor cat has swallowed a pin and dies, Gammer will at least skin her for the fur.
7 Lay: bet
8 Rake her: scrape her out

Gammer: Rake a cat, Hodge! What wouldst thou do?
Gammer Gurton's Needle 37
Hodge: What! Thinkest thou that 'Cham not able?
Did not Tom Tankard rake his cur-tail t'other day, standing in the stable?
[Cocke enters running from down the street]
Gammer: Soft, be content; let's hear what news Cocke bringeth from Master Rat!
Cocke: Gammer, 'Chave been thereas you bade, ye wot well about what. 1
'Twill be not long before he come, Ich durst swear on a book.
He bids you see ye be at home, and there for him to look. 2
Gammer: Where didst thou find him, boy? Was he not where I told thee?
Cocke: Yes, yes, even at Hob Filcher's house, by him that bought and sold me; 3
A cup of ale [he] had in his hand, and a crab[apple] lay in the fire.
'Chad much ado to go and come, all was so full of mire. 4
And Gammer, one thing I can tell: Hob Filcher's nail was lost,
And Doctor Rat found it again, hard beside the door-post.
I'd hold a penny [he] can say something your nee'le again to fet. 5
Gammer: 'Cham glad to hear so much, Cocke. Then trust he will not let 6
To help us herein best he can; therefore, 'til time he come,
Let us go in. If there be aught to get, thou shalt have some. 7
1
'Chave been…what: I have been there where you told me, you know the reason.
2
He bids…look: He tells you to wait at your house and look for him [to come].
3
Him that bought and sold me: Jesus Christ
4
'Chad much . . . mire: I had a hard time because the street was so muddy.
5
Fet: find, fetch
6
Let: hesitate
7
If there . . . some: If there's any food in the house, you'll have some.
[They exit inside Gammer's house. Act 3 ends.]

THE FOURTH ACT
The First Scene
Gammer Gurton's Needle 38
[Doctor Rat enters, walking up to Gammer’s house
and complaining to himself]
D. Rat: A man were better 1 twenty times be a bandog 2 and bark,
Than here among such a sort 3 be parish priest
Where he shall never be at rest one pissing-while a day 4
But he must trudge about the town this way and that way,
Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent, 5
And that which is worst of all, at every knave’s commandment. 6
I had not sat the space to drink two pots of ale,
But Gammer Gurton’s sorry boy was straightway at my tail,
And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot 7 not what;
If once her finger’s end but ache, trudge, call for Doctor Rat!
And when I come not at thy call, I only thereby lose, 8
For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe-pig or a goose. 9
I warrant you when the truth is known and told they have their tale,
The matter which about I com 10e is not worth a halfpenny worth of ale;
Yet must I talk so sage 11 and smooth, as though I were a glosier, 12
Else or the year come at an end, I shall be sure the loser! 13
[Gammer Gurton enters from her house and stands in
the doorway]
What work ye, Gammer Gurton? 14 Ho! Here is your friend Doctor Rat!
Gammer: Sooth, 15 ‘Cha troubled, ‘Cha troubled you, ‘Chwot well that. 16
D. Rat: How do ye, woman? Be ye lusty 17 or be ye not well at ease?
1 A man were better: It would be [twenty times] better for a man…
2 Bandog: a heavily-built mastiff-like breed of dog, used as a guard or watchdog
3 Such a sort: such people as these
4 One pissing-while: long enough to take a leak
5 Rent: wear out
6 Here to . . . commandment: Going here to counsel a prostitute, there to counsel a thief, and what’s worst of all, he must
follow every rascal’s orders.
7 Wot: know
8 I only thereby lose: I lose money [by refusing to go to them]
9 Tithe-pig or a goose: Poor people could not pay money to the church as tithes; they instead gave livestock to the priest
11
Sage: wisely
12
Glossier: flatterer
13
Else or…loser!: Otherwise, at the end of the year I will surely lose out [because Gammer wouldn’t give him a Christmas
gift of a pig or goose]
14
What work ye: How do you do?
15
Sooth: Truly
16
‘Cha troubled…that: I’ve caused you some trouble, I know that very well.
17
Lusty: in good health

Gammer: By Gys, Master, ‘Cham not sick, but yet ‘Chave a disease.
‘Chad a foul turn now of late; ‘Chi’ll tell it you by Gigs! 1
D. Rat: Hath your brown cow cast 2 her calf, or your sandy sow her pigs?
Gammer: No, but had been as good they had, as this Ich wot well! 3
D. Rat: What is the matter?
Gammer: Alas, ‘Cha lost my good nee’le,
My nee’le, I say, and wot ye what? A drab came by and spied it,
And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it!
D. Rat: What [woman] was that?
Gammer: A dame, 4 Ich warrant you – she began to scold and brawl!
Alas, alas – Come hither, Hodge; this wretch can tell you all.
Hodge: Good morrow, Gaffer 5 Vicar! 6
THE FOURTH ACT
The Second Scene
[Hodge enters from Gammer's house]
D. Rat: Come on, fellow, let us hear.
Thy dame hath said to me thou knowest of all this gear;
Let's see what thou canst say.
Hodge: By m'fay 7 sir, that ye shall!
What matter so ever here was done, Ich can tell your worship all.
My Gammer Gurton here – see now?
Set her down at this door – see now?
And as she began to stir her 8 – see now?
Her nee'le fell on the floor – see now?
And while her staff she took – see now?
At Gib, her cat, to fling – see now?
Her nee'le was lost on the floor – see now?
Is not this a wondrous thing – see now?
Then came the quean, Dame Chat – see now?
To ask for her black cup – see now?
1
"Gys" and "Gigs" are probably euphemisms for "God."
2
Cast: miscarried
3
No, but . . . well: No, but they might as well have – I know that well.
4
A lady, I promise you [said sarcastically]
5
Gaffer: Grandfather
6
Vicar: A priest who was a place-holder, having a parish to tend but not being the permanent priest.
7 M'fay: my faith
8 Stir her: move around
Gammer Gurton's Needle 39

Hodge [continues]:
And even here at this gate – see now?
She took that nee'le up – see now?
My Gammer then she gae'd 1 – see now?
Her nee'le again to bring – see now?
And was caught by the head – see now?
Is not this a wondrous thing – see now?
She tore my Gammer's coat – see now?
And scratched her by the face – see now?
When I saw this, I was wroth 2 – see now?
And start 3 between them twain – see now?
Else, Ich durst take a book-oath 4 – see now?
My Gammer had been slain! – see now?
Gammer: This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told.
And 'Chould fain be quiet, for my part, that 'Chould. 5
But help us, good master – beseech ye 6 that ye do –
Else shall we both be beaten and lose our nee'le too!
D. Rat: What would ye have me to do? Tell me, that I were gone, 7
I will do the best that I can to set you both at one.
But be ye sure Dame Chat hath this, your nee'le, found?
Gammer [Pointing to Diccon, who is entering from down the street]:
Here comes the man that see her take it up off the ground;
Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me.
And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and Saint Charity!
Gammer Gurton's Needle 40
D. Rat: Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express.
Wilt thou be sworn thou seest Dame Chat this woman's nee'le have? 8
Diccon: Nay, by Saint Benit, 9 will I not! Then might ye think I rave!
Gammer: Why, dist not thou tell me so even here? Canst thou, for shame, deny it?
Diccon: Aye, marry, Gammer; but I said I would not abide by it. 10
D. Rat: Will you say a thing, and not stick to it to try it?
1
Gae'd: went
2
Wroth: angry
3
And start: And I started
4
Else Ich . . . oath: Otherwise, I would swear on the Bible
5
And 'Chould . . . 'Chould: And I would just as soon be quiet about all this, that I would.
6
Beseech ye: I beg you
7
That I were gone: before I leave
8
Wilt thou . . . have?: Will you swear that you saw Dame Chat with this woman's needle in her possession?
9
Benit: Benedict, the founder of the Benedictines
10
Abide by it: stick to the story

Gammer Gurton's Needle 41
Diccon: "Stick to it," quoth 1 you, Master Rat? Marry, sir, I defy it!
Nay, there is many an honest man when he such blasts hath blown
In his friends' ears, he would be loath the same by him were known. 2
If such a toy be used oft among the honesty,
It may beseem a simple man of your and my degree. 3
D. Rat Then we may be never the nearer for all that you can tell?
Diccon: Yes, marry, sir, if ye will do by my advice and counsel.
If Mother Chat see all us here, she knoweth how the matter goes;
Therefore I rede 4 you three go hence, and within keep close;
And I will into Dame Chat's house, and so the matter use 5
That, ere you could go twice to church, 6 I warrant you'll hear news!
She shall look well about her, but I durst lay a pledge
Ye shall of Gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge.
Gammer: Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let us trudge.
D. Rat: By the Mass, I may not tarry so long to be your judge!
Diccon: 'Tis but a little while, man. What! Take so much pain! 7
If I hear no news of it, I will come sooner again.
Hodge: Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentleness!
D. Rat: Then let us hie us inward; and Diccon, speed thy business! 8
[Dr. Rat, Gammer, and Hodge go and hide in
Gammer's house]
THE FOURTH ACT
The Third Scene
[Diccon remains and speaks to the audience]
Diccon: Now, sirs, do you no more but keep my counsel just,
And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust.
But Mother Chat, my gossip, 9 talk first withal I must,
For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust!
[Diccon walks toward Dame Chat's house; she comes
out and meets him.]
1
Quoth: say
2
He would . . . known: he would be reluctant that people knew he had spread the rumor.
3
If such. . . degree: If such a little joke is common among the upper classes, it may also be appropriate for a simple man, such
as you or me.
4
Rede: advise
5
So the matter use: so manage the situation
6
Ere you could go twice to church: Before you could walk to the church and back two times
7
Take so much pain!: At least take that much trouble!
8 Speed thy business: hurry it up!
9 Gossip: good friend

[Diccon continues:]
God'even, 1 Dame Chat, in faith, and well met in this place!
Gammer Gurton's Needle 42
Chat: Oh, yes, Diccon. Here the old whore, and Hodge that great knave –
But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen! Oh, Lord, I dressed them brave!
She bore 2 me two or three souses 3 behind in the nape of the neck,
'Til I made her old weasand 4 to answer again, "Keck!" 5
And Hodge, that dirty dastard that at her elbow stands –
If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands, 6
He'd had his beard shaven if my nails would have served!
And not without a cause, for the knave it well deserved.
Diccon: By the Mass, I can thee thank, wench, thou didst so well acquit thee!
Chat: And thou'dst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee beshit thee
For laughter. 7 The whoreson dolt at last caught up a club
As though he would have slain the master devil Beelzebub;
But I sent him soon inside!
Diccon: Even now I saw him last. 8 Like a madman he fared! 9
And swore by heaven and hell he would avenge his sorrow,
And leave you never a hen alive by seven of the clock tomorrow! 10
Therefore, mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust:
Your hens be as good as dead if ye leave them on the roost!
Chat: The knave dare as well go hang himself as step upon my ground!
Diccon: Well, yet take heed, I say! I must tell you my tale round. 11
Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead, 12
A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need? 13
Chat: Yes, by the Mass, a hole broke down even within these two days.
Diccon: Hodge he intends this same night to slip in there-a-ways!
Chat: Oh, Christ, that I were sure of it! In faith, he should have his meed! 14
1
God'even: God give you a good evening
2
Bore: gave
3
Souses: blows
4
Weasand: throat
5
'Til I . . . "Keck!": Until I choked her by the throat until she gasped, "Keck!"
6
If one. . . hands: If he hadn't run away before I could get my hands on him
7
And thou . . . laughter: If you had seen him, Diccon, it would have made you shit yourself by laughing so hard.
8
Even now . . . last: I just now saw him
9
Fared: behaved
10
Diccon lies: "Hodge says that to get even with you, he'll kill all your chickens tonight."
11
Tale round: plain story
12
Lead: ale-pot, a vat used in brewing ale or beer
13
A hole … need?: A hole where a cunning fellow sneak into your house if he needed to?
14
Have his meed: get what's coming to him

Diccon: Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed!
I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged 1 well!
Chat: I am as glad as a woman may be, of this thing to hear tell!
By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter,
He shall at the first skip to leap in scalding water!
With a worse turn besides! When he will, let him come.
Diccon: I tell you as my sister: 2 you know what meaneth "Mum!" 3
[Dame Chat exits into her ale house]
THE FOURTH ACT
The Fourth Scene
[Diccon remains]
Diccon: Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again.
And lo, where he cometh towards – peradventure 4 to his pain!
[Dr. Rat enters from Gammer's house]
D. Rat: What good news, Diccon, fellow? Is Mother Chat at home?
Diccon: She is, sir, and she is not, but it please her to whom. 5
Yet did I take her tardy, 6 as subtle as she was!
D. Rat: The thing that thou wentst for, hast thou brought it to pass?
Diccon: I have done what I have done, be it worse [or] be it better!
And Dame Chat? At her wit's end I have almost set her!
D. Rat: Why, hast thou spied the nee'le? I pray thee tell.
Diccon: I have spied it in faith, sir; I handled myself so well.
And yet the crafty quean had almost take[n] my trump; 7
But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump! 8
D. Rat: How so, I pray thee, Diccon?
1
Swinged: beaten
2
I tell . . . sister: I tell you in strictest confidence
3
You know what meaneth "Mum!": You know what "Be quiet!" means.
4
Peradventure: perhaps
5
She is…whom: She is at home, but she may not answer the door; it depends on who's knocking.
6
Yet did . . . tardy: Anyway, she was too slow in her wits for me
7
Almost take … trump: Almost outwitted me (as a crafty card player can outwit another)
8
Set her in a dump: upset her, outwitted her, to her distress
Gammer Gurton's Needle 43

Diccon: Marry, sir, will ye hear?
She was clapped down on the backside, by Cock's mother dear, 1
And there she sat sewing a halter, 2 or a band,
With no other thing save Gammer's needle in her hand.
As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt,
She needs but one puff, and her candle is out.
Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin, 3
Came nicely 4 and said no word 'til time I was within;
And there I saw the nee'le even with these two eyes.
Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies!
D. Rat: Oh, Diccon, that I was not there in thy stead!
Diccon: Well – if ye will be ordered and do by my rede, 5
I will bring you to a place, as the house stands,
Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands.
D. Rat: For Gods' sake, do so, Diccon, and I will 'gage my gown 6
To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 44
Diccon: Follow me but a little, and mark what I will say.
Lay down your gown beside you.
[Dr. Rat takes off his priest's robe and lays it aside]
Go to, 7 come on your way!
See ye not what is here? A hole wherein ye may creep
Into the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap!
There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le together.
Do as I bid you man – come on your ways hither!
D. Rat: Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub 8 stands not hear about?
Diccon: I was within myself, man, even now. There is no doubt.
Go softly, make no noise. Give me your foot, Sir John! 9
[Diccon boosts him up]
Here will I wait upon you 'til you come out again.
[Dr. Rat climbs into the house; immediately Dame Cat
and her maids attack him with brooms and sticks]
1
By Cock's mother dear: This is not Cocke, the character, but a euphemism for "God." "God's dear mother" is the Virgin
Mary.
2
Halter: a strap used for leading or tying an animal
3
Knowing of every door the pin: knowing how every door in the neighborhood opens (that is, knowing which doors have
squeaky hinges and which do not)
4
Nicely: carefully and quietly
5
Rede: advice
6
'gage my gown: engage my gown, that is, promise by my priest's robes
7
Go to: can mean "be still, be silent," but often is used as an encouragement, as Americans say "Come on!"
8 Swill-tub: slop-tub
9 Sir John: a traditional name for a parson

D. Rat: Help, Diccon! Out, alas! I shall be slain among them!
Diccon: If they give you not the nee'le, tell them that ye will hang them!
'Ware that! 1 How, my wenches? Have ye caught the fox
That used to make revel among your hens and cocks?
Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain – 2
Gog's bread, I am afraid they will beat out his brain!
Gammer Gurton's Needle 45
[Diccon exits down the street, staggering with
laughter. Dr. Rat scrambles out through the hole,
soaking wet, his clothes torn, and his face bruised]
D. Rat: Woe worth 3 the hour that I came here!
And woe worth him that wrought this gear! 4
A sort of drabs and queans have me blest! 5
Was ever creature half so evil[ly] dressed?
Whoever it wrought and first did invent it,
He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it!
I will spend all I have, without my skin, 6
But he shall be brought to the plight I am in!
Master Bailey, I trow, and he be worth his ears,
Will snaffle 7 these murderers and all that them bears. 8
I will surely neither bite nor sup 9
Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.
[Dr. Rat exits down the street. End of Act 4.]
1
'Ware that!: Make them afraid of that!
2
Save his . . . pain: Beat him up, but don't kill him – after all, he's a priest.
3
Woe worth: Nothing but sorrow came from
4
And woe . . . gear: And I intend to make the one who played this trick on me suffer.
5
A sort . . . blest: A bunch of sluts and whores have beaten me up!
6
Without: except
7
Snaffle: arrest
8
All that them bears: Everyone who supports their side of the fight.
9
Bite nor sup: eat nor drink

THE FIFTH ACT
The First Scene
Gammer Gurton's Needle 46
[Master Bailey, the bailiff (a kind of deputy sheriff)
enters, being led in by Dr. Rat. Scapethrift, Bailey's
servant, is with them]
Bailey: I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart,
But either ye are in all the fault, or else in the greatest part. 1
D. Rat: If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs,
When a poor man is spoiled and beaten among thieves,
Then I confess my fault herein at this season;
But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.
Bailey: And methinks 2 by your own tale, of all that ye name,
If any played the thief, you were the very same.
The women, they did nothing, as your words make probation, 3
But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.
If that a thief at your window to enter should begin,
Would you hold forth your hand and help to pull him in,
Or would you keep him out? I pray you, answer me.
D. Rat: Marry, keep him out, and a good cause why! 4
But I am no thief, sir, but an honest, learned clerk. 5
Bailey: Yea, but who knoweth that when he meets you in the dark?
I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose.
Was it any marvel though the poor woman arose
And start[ed] up, being afraid of 6 that was in her purse?
Methink you may be glad that your luck was no worse.
D. Rat: Is this not evil enough, I pray you as you think?
[He bends over to show Master Bailey the lumps and
bruises on his head]
Bailey: Yea, but a man in the dark, if chances do wink, 7
As soon he smites his father as any other man,
Because for lack of light discern him he ne can. 8
Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?
1
Bailey says that in his opinion, Dr. Rat is most to blame – after all, he broke into Dame Chat's house.
2
Methinks: It seems to me
3
Make probation: provide the proof
4
Good cause why: for a good reason
5
Clerk: cleric, preacher; it was pronounced clark.
6
Afraid of: worried about
7
If chances do wink: if it so happens
8 Ne can: cannot

D. Rat: I think I am little better; 1 my scalp is cloven 2 to the brain!
If there be all the remedy, 3 I know who bears the knocks.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 47
Bailey: By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks. 4
To come in on the back side, when you might go about!
I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knocked out.
D. Rat: Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with Dame Chat
And know what she intended? I ask no more than that.
Bailey [to Scapethrift, his servant]:
Let her be called, fellow, because of Master Doctor.
[Scapethrift goes to the door of Dame Chat's]
I warrant in this case she will be her own proctor; 5
She will tell her own tale, in meter or in prose,
And bid you seek your remedy, and go wipe your nose! 6
THE FIFTH ACT
The Second Scene
[Scapethrift leads Dame Chat to Master Bailey and Dr.
Rat]
Bailey: Dame Chat, Master Doctor upon you hath complained
That you and your maids showed him much misorder,
And taking many an oath that no word he feigned 7
Laying to your charge how you thought him to murder;
And on his part again, that same man sayeth further
He never offended you in word nor intent.
To hear your answer hereto, 8 we have now for you sent.
Chat: That I would have murdered him? Fie on him, wretch!
I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts
He feigneth this tale out of his own guts!
For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down.
Nay, ye have other minions 9 in the other end of the town
Where ye were liker to catch such a blow
Than anywhere else, as far as I know! 10
1
Little better [than dead]
2
Cloven: split open
3
If there . . . remedy: If the law can help me
4
By my . . . stocks: I swear you should be made to stand in the stocks.
5
Proctor: supervisor, legal advisor
6
And bid . . . nose: And tell you to try to sue her and first to wipe the blood from your nose.
7
Feigned: spoke falsely
8
Hereto: to these charges here
9
Minions: favorites (with a hint that they are sexual partners)
10
Dame Chat suggests that Dr. Rat must have gotten in a fight with one or more of his girlfriends (of course a priest wasn't
supposed to have girlfriends) and so came to be bloodied and bruised.

Bailey: Belike then, Master Doctor, your stripes there ye got not! 1
D. Rat: Think you I am so mad 2 that where I was beat I wot not?
Will you believe this quean before she hath tried 3 it?
It is not the first deed she hath done and afterward denied it! 4
Chat: What, man, will you say I broke your head?
D. Rat: How canst thou prove the contrary?
Chat: Nay – how provest thou that I did the deed?
Gammer Gurton's Needle 48
D. Rat: Too plainly, by Saint Mary!
This proof, I trow, may serve though I no word spoke!
[He bends over and shows his bruised head]
Chat: Because thy head is broken, was it I that it broke?
I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight! 5
D. Rat: No, marry, thou sawest me not. For why? Thou hadst no light!
But I felt thee, for all the dark, beshrew 6 thy smooth cheeks!
And thou groped me – this will declare 7 any day this six weeks.
[Bends over to show his head again]
Bailey: Answer me to this, Master Rat: when caught you this harm of yours?
D. Rat: A while ago, sir, God he knoweth, within these last two hours.
Bailey: Dame Chat, was there none with you – confess, in faith – about that season? 8
What, woman! Let it be known what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason.
Chat: Yes, by my faith, Master Bailey, there was a knave not far
Who caught one good fillip 9 on the brow with a door bar –
And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me.
But what is that to this man, since this was not he?
Bailey: Who was it, then? Let's hear.
1
Belike then . . . not: Maybe, then Doctor, you didn't get your scratches and bruises here!
2
Mad: insane
3
Tried: proved
4
That is, "Beating me isn't the first time she's done something and then turned around and lied about it!"
5
Fortnight: fourteen nights, or two weeks
6
Beshrew: curse
7
Declare: prove it, testify to it
8
Season: time
9
Fillip: glancing blow

D. Rat: Alas, sir, ask you that?
Is it not made plain enough through the mouth of Dame Chat?
The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie; 1
Only upon a bare nay she sayeth it was not I. 2
Gammer Gurton's Needle 49
Chat: No, marry, it was not indeed! Ye shall hear one thing:
This afternoon a friend of mine for good will 3 gave me warning,
And bade me well look to my roost and all my capons' 4 pens,
For if I took not better heed, a man would have my hens.
Then I to save my goods took so much pains as [for] him to watch;
And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch. 5
What strokes he bore away, or other what was his gains
I wot not – but sure I am he had something for his pains! 6
Bailey: Yet [you] tell us not who it was.
Chat: Who it was? A false thief, that came like a false fox my poultry to kill and
mischief! 7
Bailey: But knowest thou not his name?
Chat: I know it, but what then?
It was that crafty cullion 8 Hodge, my Gammer Gurton's man.
Bailey [to Scapethrift]: Call me the knave hither. He shall sure kiss the stocks.
I shall teach him a lesson for filching 9 hens or cocks!
[Scapethrift exits into Gammer's house]
Dr. Rat: I marvel, Master Bailey, so bleared be your eyes!
An egg is not so full of meat 10 as she is full of lies!
When she hath played this prank to excuse all this gear,
She layeth the fault on such a one as I know was not there.
Chat: Was he not there? Look on his pate! 11 That shall be his witness!
D. Rat: I would my head were half as whole; I would seek no redress!
1
The time . . . lie: It happened at the same time, you see my injuries, and she can't lie about it.
2
Only upon . . . I: You only have her unsupported word that I was not her victim.
3
For good will: out of kindness of heart
4
Capon: a castrated rooster
5
Chance for him to catch: good luck to catch him in the act
6
That is, "I don't know how he was injured or whether he took anything, but I know very well he had a few bruises!"
7
Mischief is not often used as a verb, as it is here: it means "to harm"
8 Cullion: rogue, rascal
9 Filching: stealing
10 Meat: food
11 Pate: top of his head

Bailey: God bless you, Gammer Gurton.
Gammer: God yield 1 you, master mine.
[Gammer Gurton enters from her house]
Bailey: Thou hast a knave within thy house, Hodge, a servant of thine.
They tell me that busy knave is such a filching one
That hen, pig, goose, or capon – thy neighbor can have none.
Gammer: By God 'Cham much amazed to hear any such report!
Hodge was not wont, Ich trow, to 'have him in that sort! 2
Chat: A thievisher knave is not alive, more filching or more false!
Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse! 3
And thou, his dame, of all his theft thou art the sole receiver!
For Hodge to catch and thou to keep – I never knew none better. 4
Gammer: Sir, reverence of your masterdom, and you were out of doors,
'Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her arrant whore! 5
And Ich knew Hodge so bad as thou, Ich wish me endless sorrow,
And 'Chould hot take the pains to hang him up before tomorrow. 6
Chat: What have I stolen from thee or thine, thou ill-favored old trot? 7
Gammer: A great deal more, by God's blessed, than 'Chever by thee got! 8
That thou knowest well, I need not say it –
Bailey: Stop there, I say!
And tell me, I pray you, this matter by the way:
How chance Hodge is not here? Him would I fain have had.
Gammer: Alas, sir, he will be here anon; ha' been handled too bad!
Chat: Master Bailey, sir, you be not such a fool, well I know,
But you perceive by this lingering there is a pad in the straw! 9
Gammer: 'Chi'll show you his face, I warrant thee – lo, where he is now!
1 Yield: reward
2 Hodge was . . . sort: Hodge has never been accustomed to behaving that way.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 50
3
Halse: neck
4
That is, "And you, his mistress, receive all the goods Hodge steals – I never knew a worse thief than Hodge or a worse
receiver of stolen goods than you."
5
That is, "Sir, out of respect for your presence, if you weren't around, because of all Dame Chat's lies I would call her an
obvious whore!"
6 That is, "If I knew that Hodge was as bad as you are, I swear I would take the trouble to hang him myself."
7 Ill-favored old trot: ugly old hag
8 That is, "A good deal more, by God's saints, than I ever took from you!"
9 Pad in the straw: toad hiding in the straw — "there's something fishy here."

Gammer Gurton's Needle 51
[Scapethrift leads Hodge out of Gammer Gurton's
house]
Bailey: Come on, fellow! It is told me thou art a shrew, iwis. 1
Thy neighbor's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox;
Their chickens and their capons too, and now and again their cocks.
Hodge: Ich defy them all that dare it say! 'Cham as true as the best!
Bailey: Wert not thou take[n] within this hour in Dame Chat's hens' nest?
Hodge: Take[n] there? No, master. 'Chould not do it for a houseful of gold!
Chat: Thou, or the devil in thy coat! 2 [To] swear this I dare be bold!
Dr. Rat: Swear no swearing, quean! The devil – he gives sorrow!
All is not worth a gnat 3 – thou canst swear 'til tomorrow.
Where is the harm he hath? 4 Show it, by God's bread!
Ye beat him, with a witness, but the stripes light on my head!
Hodge: Beat me? Gog's blessed body, 'Chould first, Ich trow, have burst thee!
Ich think, and 'Chad my hands loose, callet, could have crushed thee!
Chat: Thou shitty knave, I trow thou knowest the full weight of my fist!
I am foully deceived unless thy head and my door bar kissed!
Hodge: Hold thy chat, whore! Thou cryest so loud can no man else be heard.
Chat: Well, knave, and I had thee alone, I would surely rap thy custard! 5
Bailey: Sir, answer me this: Is thy head whole or broken?
Chat: Yea, Master Bailey, blessed be every good token! 6
Hodge: Is my head whole? Ich warrant you 'tis neither scurvy nor scald! 7
What, you foul beast, dost think 'tis either peeled or bald?
Nay, Ich thank God, 'Chi'll not for all that I must spend,
That 'Chad one scab on my arse as broad as thy finger's end!
Bailey: Come nearer here!
1 Shrew: rowdy fellow; iwis: certainly
2 Thou, or . . coat!: It was either you or the devil disguised as you!
3 All is . . . gnat: Your sworn word isn't worth a gnat
4 Where is . . . hath: What wounds on his head does Hodge have
5 Rap thy custard: knock you on the head
6 Blessed be . . . token: Thank God for the evidence
7 Scurvy nor scald: in bad shape nor scabby

Hodge: Yes, that Ich dare.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 52
[Hodge goes to the bailiff and stoops over so he can
examine Hodge's head and scalp]
Bailey: By our Lady, here is no harm;
Hodge's head is whole enough, for all Dame Chat's charm. 1
Chat: By Gog's blessed, however the thing he cloaks or smolders,
I know the blows he bore away either with head on shoulders!
Camest thou not, knave, within this hour creeping into my pens,
And there was caught within my house groping among my hens?
Hodge: A plague both on thy hens and thee! A cart, whore, a cart! 2
'Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and 'Chwere as false as thou art!
Give my Gammer again her what-ye-call-it thou stole away in thy lap!
Gammer: Yea, Master Bailey, there is a thing you know not of, mayhap: 3
This drab, she keeps away my goods – the devil he might her snare!
Ich pray you that Ich might have a right action on her.
Chat: Have I thy goods, old filth, or any such, old sow?
I am as true, I would thou knew, as [the] skin between my brows!
Gammer: Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger!
Chat: Thou shalt answer, by God's pity, for this, thy foul slander!
Bailey: Why, what can ye charge her withal? 4 To say so ye do not well.
Gammer: Marry, a vengeance to her heart, the whore hath stolen my nee'le!
Chat: Thy needle, old witch? How so? It were almost thy skull to knock! 5
So didst thou say the other day that I had stolen thy cock!
And roasted him for my breakfast – which shall not be forgotten.
The devil pull out thy lying tongue and teeth that are so rotten!
Gammer: Give me my nee'le! As for my Cocke, 'Chould be very loath
That 'Chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth!
Bailey: Your talk is such that I can scarce learn who should be most in fault.
1
Charm: swearing
2
To shame them, whores were paraded through the streets in open carts when they were arrested.
3
Mayhap: maybe
4
Withal: with – "What charge can you bring against her?"
5
It were . . . knock: That's almost enough to make me hit you on the head!

Gammer: Yet shall ye find no other wight 1 save she, by bread and salt!
Bailey: Keep ye content awhile; see that your tongues ye hold;
Methinks you should remember this is no place to scold.
How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, Dame Chat your needle had?
Gammer: To name you, sir, the party, 'Chould not be very glad. 2
Bailey: Yea, but we must needs hear it, and therefore say it boldly.
Gammer: Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly,
Even that he looked on – [he] will swear on a book –
What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le up took:
Diccon, Master, the Bedlam. 'Cham very sure ye know him.
Bailey: A false knave, by God's pity! Ye were but a fool to trow 3 him!
I durst adventure well 4 the price of my best cap
That when the end is known all will turn to a jape. 5
Told he not you that, besides, she stole your cock that tide? 6
Gammer: No, Master, no indeed; for then he should have lied.
My Cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well and fine.
Chat: Yea, but that ragged colt, that whore, that Tyb of thine
Said plainly thy cock was stolen and in my house was eaten.
That lying cut is lost that she is not swinged and beaten – 7
And yet for all my good name it were a small amends! 8
I pick not this gear, hearest thou, out of my fingers' ends; 9
But he that heard it told me, whom thou of late didst name:
Diccon, whom all men know – it was the very same!
Bailey: This is the case: You lost your needle around your doors,
And she answers again [that] she has no cock of yours;
Thus in your talk and action, from that you do intend,
She is whole five miles wide from that she doth defend.
Will you say she has your cock? 10
1 Wight: person
2 To name . . . glad: I am reluctant, sir, to tell you the name of the witness.
3 Trow: trust
4 Adventure well: bet confidently
5 Jape: pronounced to rhyme with "cap," it means a jest, a practical joke
Gammer Gurton's Needle 53
6 Tide: time
7 That lying . . . beaten: That lying slut is lucky that I haven't switched and beaten her
8 And yet . . . amends!: And yet, for my good reputation, to whip her would be a small reward.
9 I pick . . . ends: I'm not just making this up out of thin air.
10 Bailey is trying to make sense of the crazy situation: "Let me sum up the case: You lost your needle somewhere near your
door, and her answer is that she never took your rooster. You two are five miles apart from each other in accusation and
defense. Will you testify that she has your rooster?"

Gammer: No, Marry, sir, that 'Chi'll not!
Bailey: Will you confess her nee'le?
Chat: Will I? No sir, will I not!
Bailey: Then there lieth all the matter. 1
Gammer: Soft, Master, by the way!
Ye know she could do little and she could not say nay! 2
Bailey: Yeah, but he that made one lie about your cock-stealing
Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing.
I ween 3 the end will prove this brawl did first arise
Upon no other grounds but only Diccon's lies.
Chat: Though some be lies, as you belike have espied them,
Yet other some be true – by proof I have well tried them!
Bailey: What other thing besides this, Dame Chat?
Chat: Marry, sir, even this:
The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was his;
He gave me, like a friend, warning about my loss,
Else had my hens been stolen, each one, by God's cross!
He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed;
But, as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed.
This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.
Bailey: If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort. 4
Gammer Gurton's Needle 54
D. Rat: By God's Mother, thou and he be a couple of subtle foxes!
Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes. 5
Did not Diccon appoint the place where thou shouldst stand to meet him? 6
Chat: Yea, by the Mass; and, if he came, bade me not stick to spit him! 7
1
There lieth all the matter: That's that.
2
Ye know . . . nay: You know how easy it is for her to lie and say "no."
3
I ween: I believe
4
If Doctor…sort: If Doctor Rat isn't mistaken, that was a lie, too.
5
That is, "Because you thought Hodge was breaking in, you beat (boxed) me up!"
6
Him: Hodge
7
Spit him: beat him with the iron spit

D. Rat: God's sacrament, the villain knave hath dressed us round about! 1
He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty, shitty lout! 2
When Gammer Gurton here complained and made a rueful moan,
I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone;
And this to try, 3 he further said, he was full loath; how be it, 4
He was content with small ado to bring me where to see it.
And where you sat, he said full certain, if I would follow his rede,
Into your house a privy 5 way he would me guide and lead;
And where you had it in your hands, sewing about a clout, 6
And set me in the back hole, thereby to find you out.
And while I sought, quietly, creeping upon my knees,
I found the weight of your door bar for my reward and fees!
Such is the luck that some men get while they begin to me'l 7
In setting at one such as were out, minding to make all well. 8
Gammer Gurton's Needle 55
Hodge: Was not well blessed, Gammer, to 'scape that stour? 9 And 'Chad been there,
Then 'Chad been dressed, belike, as ill, by the Mass, as Gaffer Vicar! 10
Bailey: Marry, sir, here is a sport alone. I looked for such an end. 11
If Diccon had not played the knave, this had been soon amend[ed].
My Gammer here he made a fool, and dressed her as she was;
And goodwife Chat he sent to school, 'til both parties cried "Alas!"
And Doctor Rat was not behind, while Chat his crown did pare; 12
I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge had not his share!
Hodge: 'Cham meetly well-sped, already amongs; 'Cham dressed like a colt! 13
And 'Chad not the better wit, 'Chad been made a dolt. 14
Bailey [to Scapethrift]:
Sir knave, make haste Diccon were here; fetch him wherever he be!
1 Dressed us round about: fooled us all around
2 Lout: worthless fellow
[Scapethrift exits down the street]
3 Try: prove
4 How be it: however
5 Privy: private, secret
6 Clout: cloth
7 Me'l: meddle
8 In setting . . . well: In trying to help someone in trouble, wanting to make everything well.
9 'scape that stour: escape that battle
10 Was not…Vicar: Weren't you lucky, Gammer, not to have been caught in that fight? And if I'd been there, then I'd have
been beaten, probably, just the same as the old vicar.
11 I swear, sir, this is all just a bad joke, just as I expected.
12 Crown did pare: skinned his scalp
13 'Cham meetly . . . colt: I'm rightly punished among the others; I've been whipped like a colt.
14 And 'Chad . . . dolt: If I weren't smarter than Diccon, I would have been made a fool.

Chat: Fie on the villain! Fie, fie! That makes us thus agree! 1
Gammer: Fie on him, knave, with all my heart! Now fie and fie again!
D. Rat: Now fie on him! May I best say, whom he hath almost slain!
[Scapethrift drags in Diccon]
Bailey: Lo where he cometh at hand. Belike he was not far!
Diccon! Here be two or three thy company cannot spare!
Diccon: God bless you – and you may be blessed, so many all at once!
Chat: Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld thee, by Cock's bones! 2
See'st not thy handiwork? Sir Rat, can ye forbear him? 3
Gammer Gurton's Needle 56
Diccon: A vengeance on those hands light! For my hands came not near him. 4
The whoreson priest hath lift[ed] the pot in some of these ale-wives' chairs,
That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs. 5
Bailey: Nay, soft! Thou mayst not play the knave and have this language, too! 6
If thou thy tongue bridle 7 awhile, the better mayst thou do.
Confess the truth, as I shall ask, and cease awhile to fable;
And for thy fault, I promise thee, thy handling shall be reasonable. 8
Hast thou not made a lie or two to set these two by the ears?
Diccon: What if I have? Five hundred such have I seen within these seven years.
I am sorry for nothing else but that I saw not the sport
Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report. 9
Bailey: The greatest thing [he points to Dr. Rat] – Master Rat! Ye see how he is dressed. 10
Diccon: What [the] devil need he [to] be groping so deep in good wife Chat's hens' nest?
1 Spoken sarcastically: Shame on the rascal who fooled us into fighting each other!
2 Geld thee, by Cock's bones: castrate you, by God's bones
3 Forbear him: stand him
4 That is, "Curse whoever beat him up! I didn't do it!"
5 The whoreson. . . stairs: This cursed priest has gotten so drunk, probably, in some ale-wife's house that he fell down the
stairs.
6 The Bailiff says, "You are already in trouble—don't add to it by slandering the priest."
7 Thy tongue bridle: control your tongue, be quiet
8 The Bailiff promises "If you will tell the truth and stop lying, the punishment for your tricks won't be so severe."
9 Diccon brazenly says that other people often lie—and that his only regret is that he didn't actually get to see Dr. Rat being
beaten.
10 Dressed: beaten

Bailey: Yea, but it was thy drift to bring him into the briars. 1
Diccon: God's bread! Hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears?
He showeth himself herein, ye see, so very a cox, 2
The cat was not so madly allured by the fox
To run into the snares was set for him, doubtless;
For he leapt in for mice, and this sir John for madness. 3
Dr. Rat: Well, and ye shift no better, ye losel, lyther and lazy, 4
I will go near, for this, to make ye leap at a daisy! 5
In the King's name, 6 Master Bailey, I charge you set him fast! 7
Diccon: What? Fast at cards, or fast asleep? It is the thing that I did last. 8
D. Rat: Nay, fast in fetters, 9 false varlet, according to thy deeds!
Bailey: Master Doctor, there is no remedy, I must entreat you, needs
Some other kind of punishment. 10
Gammer Gurton's Needle 57
D. Rat: Nay, by all hallows! 11
His punishment, if I may judge, shall be naught else but the gallows!
Bailey: That were too sore. 12 A spiritual man to be so extreme!
D. Rat: Is he worth any better, sir? How do ye judge and deem?
Bailey: I grant him worthy [of] punishment, but in no wise so great.
Gammer: It is a shame, Ich tell you plain, for such false knaves entreat! 13
He has almost undone us all – that is as true as steel.
And yet for all this great ado, 'Cham never the nearer [to] my nee'le!
Bailey: Canst not thou say anything to that, Diccon, with least or most? 14
1
Thy drift . . . briars: your plan to get him into trouble
2
Cox: coxcomb, fool
3
Diccon refers to a fable in which a crafty fox persuades a cat to spring a trap, thinking that there are mice inside; the fox
goes free with the bait, and the cat is trapped in place of the fox.
4
Losel, lyther and lazy: You low-born, lazy scoundrel
5
To "leap the daisies" was to be hanged.
6
In the King's name: Scholar A.C. Bradley used this line to show that the original performance of "Gammer Gurton's
Needle" must have been in the spring of 1553, during the last reign of the young King Edward VI (who died in July of that
year at the age of 15).
7
Set him fast: Lock him up firmly.
8 Diccon says, "Put me fast asleep? I just got up!"
9
Fetters: chains
10
The Bailiff wonders if what Diccon did is strictly against the law. Maybe he can be privately punished?
11
Hallows: saints
12
That were too sore: That [hanging] would be too severe.
13
That is, "I'll tell you to your face, I think it's shameful to speak up for such a lying rascal."
14
Canst not . . . most: Can you answer that, Diccon, one way or another?

Diccon: Yea, marry, sir, thus much I can say: Well, the needle is lost!
Bailey: Nay, canst thou not tell which way that needle may be found?
Diccon: No, by my faith, sir, though I might have an hundred pound.
Hodge: Thou liar, lick-dish! 1 Didst not say the nee'le would be gitten? 2
Diccon: No, Hodge, by the same token you were that time beshitten
For fear of Hobgoblin – you wot well what I mean,
As long as it is since, I fear me yet you be scarce clean! 3
Bailey: Well, Master Rat, you must both learn and teach us to forgive.
Since Diccon hath confession made and is so clean[ly] shrive, 4
If ye to me consent, to amend this heavy chance,
I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance –
On this condition: where ye know my fee is twenty pence,
For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense.
Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now to run
To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun. 5
Chat: Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confess to be thy debtor,
And all we that be here present will love you much the better.
D. Rat: My part is the worst; but, since you all hereon agree,
Go even to, Master Bailey, let it be so for me.
Bailey: Then mark ye well: to recompense this former action,
Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction,
Before their faces here kneel down, and [do] as I shall thee teach;
For thou shalt take on oath, by Hodge's leather breech:
First, for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse,
Where he will pay for all thou never drew thy purse,
And when ye meet at one pot, he shall have the first pull,
And thou shalt never offer him the cup but it be full;
To goodwife Chat thou shalt be sworn even on the same wise,
If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice –
Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost take it,
When thou mayst drink free of cost, thou never forsake it;
For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shall thou be,
To help her to her needle again, if it do lie in thee – 6
Gammer Gurton's Needle 58
1 Lick-dish: beggar
2 Gitten: Hodge's mispronunciation of "gotten"
3 I fear. . . clean: I'm afraid you still aren't clean
4 Shrive: shriven, absolved of sin
5 The Bailey says, "If you will agree to let me fix this matter up, I'll sentence Diccon to some kind of public penance, on one
condition. My fee is twenty pence, but since you've been hurt, I will agree with you not to charge you – you shall all go quit
(be released from having to pay my fee) if you will let this matter drop and end everything up cheerfully."
6 If it do lie in the: if you are able to do it

[Bailey continues:]
And likewise bound by the virtue of that
To be of good bearing to Gib, her great cat;
Last of all, to Hodge, the oath for to scan,
Thou shalt never take him for [a] fine gentleman.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 59
[Hodge hunkers down, sticking out his butt]
Hodge: Come on, fellow Diccon! 'Chall be even with the now!
Bailey: Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon, I trow?
Diccon: No, by my father's skin; my hand down I lay it!
Look! As I have promised, I will not deny it!
But Hodge, take good heed now thou do not be-shit me!
Hodge: Gog's heart! Thou false villain, dost thou bite me?
Bailey: What, Hodge! Doth he hurt thee or ever 1 he begin[s]?
[As if he is about to put his hand on a Bible to swear,
Diccon raises his hand and then slaps Hodge hard on
the arse. Hodge howls in pain and hops around
holding his butt.]
Hodge: He thrust me into the buttock with a bodkin 2 or a pin!
[Hodge squirms and twists until he pulls the needle
out of his buttock]
I say, Gammer! Gammer!
Gammer: How now, Hodge, how now? 3
Hodge: God's malt, Gammer Gurton!
Gammer: Thou art mad, Ich trow!
Hodge: Will you see? The devil, Gammer!
Gammer: The devil, son? God bless us!
Hodge: 'Chould Ich were hanged, Gammer! 4
Gammer: Marry, so ye might dress us. 5
1
Or ever: before
2
Bodkin: a small metal punch for putting holes in cloth or leather
3
How now: what is it?
4
'Chould Ich were hanged: Well, I'll be hanged
5
That is, "I wish you were, unless you address [speak to] us."

Hodge: 'Chave it by the Mass, Gammer!
Gammer: What? Not my nee'le, Hodge?
Hodge: Your nee'le, Gammer! Your nee'le!
Gammer: No, fie! Dost but dodge! 1
Hodge: 'Cha found your nee'le, Gammer! Here in my hand be it!
Gammer: For all the loves on earth, Hodge, let me see it!
Hodge: Soft, 2 Gammer!
Gammer: Good Hodge!
Hodge: Soft, Ich say; tarry a while.
Gammer: Nay, sweet Hodge, say true, and do not me beguile. 3
Hodge: ‘Cham sure of it, Ich warrant you – it goes no more astray!
Gammer: Hodge, when I speak so fair, wilt still say me nay? 4
Hodge: Go near the light, Gammer, this was in fact good luck:
‘Chwas almost undone, ‘twas so far in my buttock!
Gammer: ‘Tis my own dear nee’le, Hodge, certainly I wot! 5
Hodge: ‘Cham not I a good son, 6 Gammer, ‘Cham I not?
Gammer Gurton's Needle 60
[They stand in the light coming from Gammer’s open
door, and Hodge hands over the needle]
Gammer: Christ’s blessing light on thee, hast made me [happy] forever!
Hodge: Ich knew that Ich must find it, else ‘Chould have had it never.
Chat: By my troth, gossip Gurton, I am even as glad
As though I my own self as good a turn had! 7
1
Dost but dodge: You're kidding me
2
Soft: take it carefully
3
Me beguile: lie to me
4
Hodge, when . . . nay?: Hodge, when I’m asking so nicely, will you still say you won’t give it to me?
5
Wot: know it
6
Son: young man
7
As good a turn had: had the same good luck

Bailey: And I, by my conscience, to see it so come forth
Rejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth!
D. Rat: I am no whit 1 sorry to see you so rejoice!
Diccon: Nor I much the gladder for all this noise;
Yet say “gramercy, Diccon, for springing of the gain.” 2
Gammer: Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times. Oh, how glad ‘Cham.
If that ‘Chould do so much, your Masterdom to come hither,
Master Rat, goodwife Chat, and Diccon together,
‘Chave but one halfpenny, as far as Ich know it,
And ‘Chi’ll not rest this night, ‘til Ich bestow it.
If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink. 3
Bailey: I am content, if the rest think as I think.
Master Rat, it shall b best for you if we so do,
Then shall you warm you and dress yourself, too. 4
Diccon: Soft, sirs – take us with you; the company shall be the more;
As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes before.
[Diccon turns to speak to the audience]
But now, my good masters, since we must be gone
And leave you behind us, here all alone,
Since at our last ending thus merry we may be,
For Gammer Gurton’s needle’s sake, let us have a plaudity! 5
\
The Players bow.
The End.
1
No whit: not one bit
2
“Gramercy, Diccon…gain”: “Thank you, Diccon, for discovering the goods.”
3
Gammer proposes to spend her only halfpenny to buy a round of ale for everyone.
4
Dress yourself: bandage your wounds
5
Plaudit: Round of applause
Gammer Gurton's Needle 61