Gammer Gurton's Needle - Faculty & Staff Web Pages

Diccon: Nay, by the Mass! I perfectly perceived as I came hither,
That either Tyb and her dame had been by the ears together, 1
Or else as great a matter—as thou shalt shortly see.
Hodge: Now Ich beseech our Lord they never better agree! 2
Gammer Gurton's Needle 6
Diccon: By Gog's soul, there they sit as still as stones in the street,
As though they had been taken with fairies, 3 or else with some ill spirit.
Hodge: Gog's heart! I durst have laid my cap to a crown 4
'Chwould learn of some prankum 5as soon as Ich came to town!
Diccon: Why, Hodge, art thou inspired? Or didst thou thereof hear?
Hodge: Nay; but Ich saw such a wonder as Ich saw not this seven year.
Tom Tankard's cow—by Gog's bones!—she set me up her sail,
And flinging about his half-acre, frisking with her tail,
As though there had been in her arse a swarm of bees—
And 'chad not cried, "Tphrowh, whore!" she'd leapt out of his leas! 6
Diccon: Why, Hodge! Lies there cunning in Tom Tankard's cow's tail?
Hodge: Well, Ich have heard some say such tokens 7 do not fail.
But canst thou not tell, in faith, Diccon, why she frowns or whereat?
Hath no man stolen her ducks or hens, or gelded 8 Gib, 9 her cat?
Diccon: What the devil can I tell, man? I could not have one word;
They gave no more heed to my talk than thou wouldst to a lord.
Hodge: Ich cannot still but muse what marvelous thing it is!
'Ch'll in, and know myself what matters are amiss. 10
Diccon: Then farewell Hodge awhile, since thou dost inward haste,
For I will into the good-wife Chat's, to feel how the ale doth taste.
[Exit Diccon into Dame Chat's ale-house]
1
By the ears: fighting
2
Now Ich…agree: Now I pray to the Lord that they always argue with and irritate each other!
3
Taken with fairies: bewitched
4
Laid my …crown: bet my cap against a crown
5
'Chwould learn … prankum: I would learn about some prank, some odd happening
6
And 'chad…leas: And if I hadn't cried, 'Whoa, whore!' she would have leapt out of his pastures.
7
Tokens: omens
8
Gelded: spayed; later, the cat is consistently referred to as "she."
9
Gib: a common name (short for Gilbert) for a cat, especially an old and cranky tom-cat, though this one is female.
10
Ich cannot…amiss: I still can't help wondering what strange thing has happened. I'll go in and find out for myself what's
wrong.