Gammer Gurton's Needle - Faculty & Staff Web Pages

D. Rat: I think I am little better; 1 my scalp is cloven 2 to the brain!
If there be all the remedy, 3 I know who bears the knocks.
Gammer Gurton's Needle 47
Bailey: By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks. 4
To come in on the back side, when you might go about!
I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knocked out.
D. Rat: Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with Dame Chat
And know what she intended? I ask no more than that.
Bailey [to Scapethrift, his servant]:
Let her be called, fellow, because of Master Doctor.
[Scapethrift goes to the door of Dame Chat's]
I warrant in this case she will be her own proctor; 5
She will tell her own tale, in meter or in prose,
And bid you seek your remedy, and go wipe your nose! 6
THE FIFTH ACT
The Second Scene
[Scapethrift leads Dame Chat to Master Bailey and Dr.
Rat]
Bailey: Dame Chat, Master Doctor upon you hath complained
That you and your maids showed him much misorder,
And taking many an oath that no word he feigned 7
Laying to your charge how you thought him to murder;
And on his part again, that same man sayeth further
He never offended you in word nor intent.
To hear your answer hereto, 8 we have now for you sent.
Chat: That I would have murdered him? Fie on him, wretch!
I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts
He feigneth this tale out of his own guts!
For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down.
Nay, ye have other minions 9 in the other end of the town
Where ye were liker to catch such a blow
Than anywhere else, as far as I know! 10
1
Little better [than dead]
2
Cloven: split open
3
If there . . . remedy: If the law can help me
4
By my . . . stocks: I swear you should be made to stand in the stocks.
5
Proctor: supervisor, legal advisor
6
And bid . . . nose: And tell you to try to sue her and first to wipe the blood from your nose.
7
Feigned: spoke falsely
8
Hereto: to these charges here
9
Minions: favorites (with a hint that they are sexual partners)
10
Dame Chat suggests that Dr. Rat must have gotten in a fight with one or more of his girlfriends (of course a priest wasn't
supposed to have girlfriends) and so came to be bloodied and bruised.