The Inbetweeners screenplay - 162MC

THE INBETWEENERS MOVIE 

Written by 

DAMON BEESLEY & IAIN MORRIS 

SHOOTING SCRIPT 2 

(04/02/2011) 

INCORPORATING PINK AMENDMENTS DATED 05/02/11 

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The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 1 

1 EXT. HELICOPTER SHOTS MOVING OVER SUBURBIA - DAY 1 

1 

WILL V/O 

Suburbia. The place we called 

home. Safe, comforting, leafy. 

And I fucking hated it and couldn't 

wait to leave. 

The camera flies towards a suburban house (as a red people 

carrier pulls out the drive) and swings round behind the 

house to a back window. It moves through the window and 

settles on a full E45 cream tub, a large packet of wafer thin 

ham and a ski-glove picking at the ham. 

2 INT. JAY'S BEDROOM. DAY 1 

2 

JAY is kneeling on his bed wearing only a football shirt and 

the glove. The E45 and ham are next to him. 

Over his shoulder we can see a partially clothed woman on the 

screen, wearing what might best be described as 'Matalan 

lingerie chic', - cheap underwear worn without any real 

attempt to sexily 'fill' it. 

We move round to see JAY's face. He’s wearing a diving mask 

and snorkel (snorkel not in, but hanging loose). 

JAY (NERVOUSLY EXCITED) 

You promise this’ll be properly 

filthy? 

WOMAN ON COMPUTER (DEADPAN, FLAT, 

BORED,EASTERN EUROPEAN) 

Oh yes, very sexy, like bomb 

explode in penis. So sexy, like 

finger up bumhole. 

JAY seems slighty unsure about this. 

JAY 

Mmm, i’m feeling sexy. 

WOMAN ON COMPUTER 

Take off mask baby, let me see you. 

JAY 

I can't, I'm shy. 

WOMAN 

You not shy, you big boy. i need 

you in me, really bad, so you pay 

now or I go. 

JAY 

Oh Christ, you make me so erect.


WOMAN 

Yes, you also make me erect... 

JAY has momentary confused reaction to this. 

WOMAN (CONT’D) 

...now put in card details. Oh i’m 

soooo horny. Don’t forget security 

number on back. 

JAY rushes into his wallet and starts typing in a number. 

3 INT WILL'S DAD'S HOUSE - DAY 1 

3 

WILL is sitting on a large tasteful sofa. A bookshelf is 

behind him and the place gives off an air of class and money 

and is markedly different to all the suburban houses we flew 

over. WILL's FATHER sits opposite WILL on another large 

tasteful sofa, whilst SUSIE fusses around. 

WILL is mid-flow, his father making 'hmm' noises throughout. 

WILL 

…but if I defer and try again for 

Oxford, I'll probably lose the 

place at Bristol… 

Hmm 

WILL'S FATHER 

WILL 

…which is a good university, but 

not my dream. Do you think it 

matters in the long term, or is the 

subject and the standard of degree 

more important? 

WILL'S FATHER 

So I got married. 

What? 

WILL 

WILL'S FATHER 

To Susie. We got married. 

WILL 

You mean re-married. 

SUSIE 

This time it's for keeps though. 

WILL 

When did this happen?


BEAT 

WILL'S FATHER 

Few weeks ago. I was going to 

invite you but I know how you are 

around people. 

How am I? 

WILL 

WILL'S FATHER 

Awkward. Weird. 

WILL 

I don't live in a cave, I live in 

suburban London. I spend my entire 

life around people. Much as I'd 

like to, it's almost impossible to 

avoid them. 

WILL'S FATHER 

See, this is what I mean. 

WILL 

Well, was it a big wedding? 

WILL'S FATHER 

No. Just a couple of hundred close 

friends and family 

SUSIE 

And it was perfect. 

They kiss, WILL grimaces. 

WILL 

I can't believe you didn't invite 

me to your wedding. 

WILL'S FATHER 

So, what are you up to this summer 

then? 

WILL 

Oh, you're changing the subject? 

Um-hmm. 

WILL'S FATHER 

WILL 

Fine. I don’t know, I guess i’ll be 

going on holiday. 

WILL'S FATHER 

Oh, this’ll be good, what’ve you 

got planned; The Trans-Siberian 

express, fossils hunting in Dorset? * 

Or something even weirder?


WILL 

No, actually, something normal. I'm 

going to go somewhere normal, with 

my normal friends to a place full 

of normal people. 

WILL'S FATHER 

And you of course. 

WILL looks at his father. 

4 INT. SUBURBAN SUPERMARKET, FISH COUNTER. DAY 

4 

- EARLY EVENING 1 

NEIL SUTHERLAND is working behind the fish counter at a 

supermarket. It's almost six o'clock, it's busy, and there is 

a queue of people behind the CUSTOMER he's currently serving. 

The CUSTOMER is a bit tricky and NEIL is going back and forth 

from the prawns to get exactly the right weight for them. 

NEIL (TAKING IT IN HIS STRIDE) 

It's a bit over, is that okay? 

CUSTOMER 

Hmm, not really 

JAY's MUM walks by with a shopping trolley. 

NEIL 

Alright Jay’s mum. Where's Jay? 

JAY'S MUM 

Oh hello Neil. He’s at home, 

updating his CV. 

Her phone rings. She answers looking worried, and walks off. 

JAY'S MUM (CONT’D) 

Excuse me. Hello, oh. Oh. 

NEIL 

How about now? 

CUSTOMER 

Not really. 

NEIL's taking a few prawns away when he sees the clock on the 

wall behind him click over to 6pm. He drops the prawns, 

which scatter everywhere, throws off his hat, and walks over 

to the doorway behind the counter where there's a girl, 

NICOLE, also in supermarket uniform, waiting. 

CUSTOMER (CONT’D) 

Excuse me, my prawns? 

NEIL (WITH A SHRUG) 

Sorry mate, I finish at six.


NEIL grabs the girl (NICOLE) and in full view of the 

customers they start snogging long and hard. The waiting 

customers look on disgusted. Eventually they break for air. 

NEIL (CONT’D) 

Cheers for that. 

NICOLE 

You don't have to thank me every 

time. 

NEIL 

Oh right. Cool. 

NICOLE 

You stink of fish. 

NEIL 

Yeah. It's the fish. You're so fit. 

They start snogging hard again. 

5 INT CARLI D'AMATO'S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING 1 

5 

SIMON and CARLI are sitting on her bed, snogging. He looks 

very into it, her not so much, and as his arm goes up to 

touch her boob she pulls away. 

CARLI 

Simon, we need to talk. 

SIMON 

Oh not talking. 

CARLI 

It’s been great so far, but... 

SIMON 

It’s been amazing. Literally the 

best year of my life, my spots 

clearing up, not moving to Wales 

and now you. And i’m definitely 

getting better at kissing aren’t i? 

CARLI 

I think we should break up. 

What? 

SIMON 

CARLI 

We're both going away to Uni in a 

few weeks, and it'll be too hard to 

keep going long distance. It won't 

be fair on either of us.


SIMON 

I don't mind. 

CARLI 

You will mind, though. You will. 

SIMON 

I bloody won't. 

CARLI 

And I'm going on holiday too, so 

there's that. 

SIMON 

Why? What are you planning to do 

on holiday? 

CARLI 

It's for the best, honestly. 

SIMON 

Okay, so we'll just get back 

together again after we finish Uni? 

CARLI 

Well, probably not. 

SIMON 

But that's not a 'no', is it? 

CARLI 

Maybe you should go home, i just 

need some space to think at the 

moment. 

SIMON 

Cool. Fine. See you later then? 

CARLI looks at him, then looks away. SIMON shrugs and leaves 

SIMON (CONT’D) 

Or whenever. 

6 EXT CARLI’S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING 1 

6 

SIMON leaving CARLI's house looking perfectly upbeat, even 

happy-go-lucky. 

7 INT SIMON’S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING 1 

7 

SIMON walks in to his house, practically skipping. He shouts 

into the kitchen as he heads upstairs. 

SIMON 

Mum, i’m back, when’s tea?


In a bit. 

SIMON’S MUM (O.S.) 

SIMON 

It’d better be delicious. 

SIMON gets into his bedroom, switches on the telly, flops on 

his bed and suddenly bursts into helpless tears. 

8 EXT SUBURBAN ESTATE - EARLY EVENING 1 

8 

We see the red car from earlier pulling back into the drive. 

JAY's MUM and JAY’S SISTER get out in tears. They walk 

quickly to the house and open the door. 

9 INT JAY'S BEDROOM. - EARLY EVENING 1 

9 

From what we can see over JAY's shoulder, he is now fully 

masturbating in a very involved manner. He's kneeling on the 

towel and completely naked but for a pair of white socks and 

the snorkel and goggles. We can almost see the woman doing 

something to herself on screen. Occasionally JAY reaches with 

his free hand for some more ham. 

Then the door flies open and JAY's MUM and JAY'S SISTER burst 

in, both crying. JAY panics and tries to cover up. 

JAY 

Get out, get out, i'm looking at 

holidays, it’s just holidays. 

There's a beat as the women take in the scene. 

JAY'S MUM 

Jay, can you come downstairs 

please, your grandfather has died. 

She and JAY's SISTER exit. JAY takes his mask off. 

TITLES TO THE FILM OF THE INBETWEENERS 

CUT TO: 

10 INT MAIN SCHOOL HALL - DAY 2 

10 

The Upper Sixth are formally seated in the main hall. MR 

GILBERT is speaking. WILL, JAY, NEIL and SIMON are sitting 

together. SIMON can see across at CARLI. She notices him 

looking and gives him a weak smile. He looks away. The 

HEADMASTER is sat next to GILBERT, silent, occasionally 

wincing at what Gilbert says (especially the ‘fucker’ line)


GILBERT 

So in conclusion after today you 

lot are officially out of my 

charge. If you do find yourself at 

a loose end next year and think it 

might be nice to pop by to see how 

we’re getting on - don't. This 

isn't the Dead Poets Society, and 

I'm not that bloke on BBC2 who 

keeps getting kids to sing in 

choirs. I have absolutely no 

interest in you once today is over 

and I especially don't want to hear 

how well you're settling in at Uni, 

or how much growing up you've done 

in the last 12 months. At best i’m 

ambivalent towards most of you, but 

some of you I actively dislike for * 

no reason other than your poor 

personal hygiene or irritating 

personalities. 

GILBERT gazes over the assembly and we see BIG JOHN sniff his 

armpits then sink into his chair and drop his head. On 

“irritating personalities” GILBERT shoots WILL a look. WILL 

looks round, assuming he must be talking about someone else. 

GILBERT (CONT'D) 

I hope I've made myself clear on 

this point, and in case any of you 

think I'm joking, I'm not. I assure 

you that once my legal obligation 

to look after your best interests 

is removed I can be one truly nasty 

fucker. Good luck with the rest of 

your lives and try not to kill 

anyone because it reflects badly on 

all of us here. 

GILBERT walks off to a stunned silence. The rest of the 

Upper Sixth start to get up to leave and shuffle out. 

WILL 

Slightly more upbeat than I was 

expecting. 

11 INT / EXT SCHOOL - DAY 2 

11 

The four boys are emptying their lockers. 

SIMON 

How many times is that she’s caught 

you now? 

JAY 

Four. But this was the worst. 

Snorkel, mask, ham.


NEIL * 

Do you think she’s doing it on * 

purpose? * 

JAY * 

No Neil. * 

Suddenly WILL is grabbed from behind by DONOVAN and a mate. * 

DONOVAN 

Here you go briefcase, one last one 

for luck. 

SIMON 

Nah, come on Mark… 

Yes? 

DONOVAN 

SIMON is silent as DONOVAN wedgies WILL hard and for a long 

time, almost getting his pants over his head. WILL is 

struggling, but trying to retain his dignity. 

WILL 

Good. Old school wedgie, to be 

admired in a way. Yep, squashing 

the balls now, oof, that does not 

tickle, oof...Guys? 

JAY, NEIL and SIMON look a bit awkward. As the wedgie 

increases in intensity WILL’s wisecracks stop and he looks in 

genuine pain. Just then CARLI and a friend turn up. 

CARLI 

Mark, what the fuck do you think 

you're doing? Put him down. Now. 

DONOVAN lets WILL down and walks off, laughing. 

DONOVAN 

Alright, calm down. We were just 

saying goodbye to bender squad. 

Have a nice life dickheads. 

DONOVAN and his mates walk off laughing. 

CARLI 

Grow up, god. Are you okay Will? 

WILL 

Fine. Slightly chafed arse crack, 

but er no, basically fine, thanks. 

Hi Simon. 

CARLI 

There's an awkward beat as SIMON ignores her.


CARLI leaves. 

CARLI (CONT’D) 

Okay. Well, bye then. 

SIMON 

Fucking bitch. 

Is she? 

WILL 

BEAT as SIMON’s eyes begin to well up. He starts crying. * 

SIMON 

No. Oh god, I just really miss her. 

The others exchange awkward glances while SIMON really sobs * 

for ages. Eventually Neil steps up to offer support. * 

NEIL (PUTTING HIS ARM ROUND SIMON) 

It’s alright mate, I understand. 

Anyone would miss those tits. 

SIMON 

It's not that Neil. 

NEIL 

Is it her lovely snatch? 

No. 

SIMON 

WILL * 

I know it feels rough now Si, but 

you just need to give it some time. 

JAY 

Yeah you know what girls are like, 

they always come back. 

SIMON * 

I just don’t know if I’ll ever get 

over her. 

JAY 

I can help you with that. 

Can you? 

SIMON 

JAY 

Yeah. From now on, anytime you 

mention the Moan-a-tronic 5000 you 

get a slap in the balls. 

SIMON 

Do you mean Carli?


JAY slaps SIMON in the balls. 


Owwww. For fucks sake Jay... 

NEIL 

You were warned. 

SIMON 

How’s that helping? 

JAY 

Well you’re not crying like a baby 

anymore. 

SIMON 

So my life is still ruined but now 

my balls ache too. Thanks Jay. 

JAY 

No, your life is about to begin 

mate. Now you’ve been dumped we 

can all go on a mental holiday 

together. Two weeks of sun, sea, 

sex, sand, booze, sex, minge, fanny 

and tits. And booze. And sex. 

WILL 

He’s put it horrifically but he’s 

probably right. A holiday will 

definitely take your mind off her. 

JAY 

Yeah come on Si. You know what the 

best cure for the last one is? 

No. 

SIMON 

JAY 

The next one. 

WILL 

Ah, the serial killers mantra. 

11A INT SCHOOL ATRIUM - DAY 2 

11A 

The guys are walking out the school, SIMON is leading. 

JAY 

I promise you Si, it’ll be 

brilliant. It’s us. And it’s the 

perfect time to go. 

NEIL 

Yeah, they say the summer is the 

perfect time for a summer holiday.


JAY 

Also we’ve got nothing to do - no 

more school, no exams, no stress. 

WILL 

Apart from the stress of waiting 

for results. 

JAY 

Oh no, i’m so stressed, i’ve got to 

wait. Oh no, not waiting. 

WILL 

It’s not the waiting per se. 

Wait. 

NEIL (LAUGHING) 

JAY 

Ooh, no i gotta wait. 

NEIL 

Look out, waiting. 

Right. 

WILL 

SIMON 

I dunno, it’s just not what i hoped 

i’d be doing this summer. 

JAY 

Oh what did you want to do then? 

Play cricket? Chase butterflies? * 

SIMON 

Oh god. it’s just i thought this 

summer was when i‘d lose my 

virginity to Carli. 

JAY slaps SIMON hard in the balls again. 


Arhhhhh, stop it. 

NEIL 

If it makes you feel better Si, you 

wouldn’t have been her first. 

SIMON 

No, I think i would. 

NEIL 

Nah, she went out with that uni 

bloke, remember? 

WILL is in the background making cut throat actions to JAY. *


JAY 

Yeah. I heard once she couldn’t 

play netball for two weeks because 

he fucked her bow-legged. 

NEIL 

I heard that. 

SIMON 

She pulled a hamstring. 

Doubt it. 

NEIL 

JAY * 

Si i promise i’ll get you laid this 

summer. 

WILL 

Come on Si, what do you say? The * 

lads on tour? 

And you. 

NEIL 

WILL 

Yes, and me. One of the lads. 

JAY 

i’m warning you Harry Plopper you 

won’t like it, there won’t be a 

library for miles around. 

WILL 

Well, i’m going anyway, and i’ll 

pretend to enjoy it just like any 

normal person would. Come on Si. 

SIMON 

Fuck it, go on then. Maybe it will 

help. 

JAY 

Course it will. I promise you Si 

with the amount of fit birds out 

there it’ll be like shooting clunge 

in a barrel. 

WILL 

Lovely image. * 

They all head off, out the school for the last time. WILL 

allows himself a little look back, as the others throw the 

doors open and walk out in epic fashion. WILL tries the same 

but his door is locked, and he walks straight into it.


12 EXT. ESTATE NIGHT - NIGHT 3 

12 

SIMON'S DAD is standing by his people carrier, with SIMON's 

MUM and SIMON. WILL's MUM and WILL are there too. 

WILL'S MUM 

I know this is the first time 

you've ever been away from me, but 

don't go crazy. 

WILL 

When have I ever gone crazy? 

WILL'S MUM 

When you had that shandy at 

Deborah's wedding you were pretty 

wild. 

WILL 

I was seven years old. 

WILL'S MUM 

He ran around with his pants down 

shouting 'I've got a white slug'. 

Mum. 

WILL 

WILL looks crestfallen, as NEIL and NEIL's DAD turn up. * 

SIMON’S MUM 

Oh hello Kevin, looks like just Jay 

we're waiting for then. 

SIMON 

Yes it does 'look like' that 

doesn't it? God. Sorry about her. 

NEIL and NEIL’s dad walk up the street, NEIL dragging his 

case. NEIL's face is very brown. 

MR COOPER 

Are you alright Neil? Your face is 

a bit weird. 

NEIL 

Fine, yeah, I just popped a bit of 

my sister's fake tan on my face, 

get it started, y'know. 

WILL 

Just on your face? 

NEIL 

Well, it's on my hands now too. 

He shows the palms of his hands, which are very brown.


SIMON 

I think you might have overdone it 

mate. 

WILL 

It's a good job we're not going to 

India or you'd get deported for 

taking the piss. 

JAY's DAD and JAY turn up. JAY's DAD jumps out the car and 

points immediately to NEIL's DAD. 

JAY'S DAD 

Alright, who's this then, the 

vicar? 

KEVIN 

Oh, me? I’m Kevin, Neil’s father. 

Nice to meet you. 

JAY'S DAD 

Where's Neil been hiding you then, 

the church? Look at him he looks 

like a bloody vicar don't he? 

KEVIN 

Oh no, I'm not a vicar. 

JAY’S DAD 

I know that, but you look like a 

vicar, and you talk like a vicar. A 

bloody gay vicar or something. 

KEVIN 

Ha, well I'm not a vicar or gay. 

SIMON and JAY look at each other and snigger. WILL raises 

his eyebrows. 

JAY'S DAD 

No, i’m saying you look gay but you 

can’t be can you? Cos old soppy 

bollocks here come out your pipe. 

JAY’s dad nods at NEIL. 

KEVIN 

Oh, right, I see, um... 

MR COOPER 

Well, we'd better get going, don't 

want you to miss that flight. 

WILL'S MUM 

Take care pookie petal, i love you. 

WILL's MUM grabs him and kisses him. He struggles free and 

gets in the car. The others are getting in, laughing at this.


JAY'S DAD 

Oh and Jay, if you’re going to 

spend your Grandad’s money chasing 

skirt, two things. One make sure 

she’s not a hound like the last one 

and two try to be a man when she 

dumps you for someone with a bigger 

cock. Which is everyone. 

Dad. 

JAY 

JAY's DAD laughs as they all get in the car. The car starts 

to pull away, the parents waving. It stops suddenly, after 

only a few yards, reverses back, and NEIL gets out. 

NEIL 

I've forgotten them. 

NEIL'S DAD 

Forgotten what? 

NEIL 

Keys, passport, wallet, the lot. 

Oh Neil. 

NEIL'S DAD 

13 EXT. CAR - NIGHT 3 

13 

The people carrier is driving in to Gatwick. 

14 INT. SIMON'S DAD'S CAR - NIGHT 3 

14 

MR COOPER 

She's nice your mum isn't she Will? 

WILL 

Um, yeah, i suppose. 

MR COOPER 

Attractive too. Very attractive 

lady. 

Right. 

WILL 

MR COOPER 

It takes me back all this. Cheap 

flights at ungodly hours. Where is 

it you're headed again, Simon never 

tells me anything? 

WILL 

Malia, Mr Cooper. In Greece.


MR COOPER 

Can't say I've heard of it. 

SIMON 

Of course you haven't, it's a cool 

place to go. 

NEIL 

And it's got a Subways. 

MR COOPER 

Oh right. In my day it was all 

about Spain. Me and my mates went 

to Magaluf this one time, Shagaluf 

we called it. 

He laughs and the boys, except SIMON, laugh politely and 

awkwardly. Then MR COOPER is a bit more serious and distant. 

MR COOPER (CONT’D) 

We should have called it Shagalot. 

And hard. Anything that moved. We * 

had a system, always left a hat on 

the bedroom door when one of us got 

lucky. Was usually me. 

SIMON 

Christ Dad, please shut up. 

MR COOPER 

I don't know what it is but you'll 

find girls just seem to let 

themselves go a bit more abroad. 

It's like as soon as they smell the 

suncream they get wet. Your 

mother's the same, even now. 

SIMON looks absolutely horrified. The others start laughing. 

SIMON 

Oh God, just drop us here. * 

CUT TO: * 

15 EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT, TERMINAL DROP OFF - NIGHT 3 

15 

Cars driving in and out, planes taking off etc. 

CUT TO: 

16 INT. GATWICK - NIGHT TRAVELATOR / MONORAIL - NIGHT 3 

16 

The boys are stood on the monorail in the airport. They all * 

have large suitcases There’s a palpable air of excitement. * 

NEIL has a football, WILL a large, pink, metallic suitcase.


SIMON 

You do know Malia's not a gay 

resort don't you? You don't have to 

bring a bag that screams 'I love 

cock'. 

WILL 

It's my mum's actually. 

JAY 

Yes, that’s what he’s saying, it 

screams 'I love cock'. 

SIMON laughs, he’s clearly excited. 

WILL 

Also, unlike your uniformly black 

ones it will be easy to spot at 

baggage reclaim. 

SIMON 

Because it will be sucking on a 

penis. 

NEIL 

I've never stayed in a two star 

hotel before. i wonder what the 

other star is for? 

SIMON 

Do you think we should go to Boots 

first, you know, to 'stock up'. 

JAY 

No need mate, I've come prepared. 

JAY pulls an enormous bag of condoms out of his hand luggage. 

JAY (CONT’D) 

Courtesy of Grandad Bob’s will. * 

Cool. 

NEIL 

WILL 

Will you really need that many? 

JAY 

I'll need more than this mate. 

That's not enough for two weeks. 

NEIL 

How many you got then? 

Er, 144. 

JAY (LOOKING AT THE PACKET)


WILL 

One hundred and forty four? You're 

planning to get through over ten a 

day, including today? 

JAY 

Yes. If i wanted to i could get 

through these before we even hit 

Malia. 

NEIL * 

Are you gonna join the mile high * 

club Jay? * 

JAY * 

Yeah, probably. * 

WILL 

With every passenger on the plane? 

SIMON 

I’d just like to use one condom, 

once. 

NEIL 

You'll definitely be alright on * 

holiday mate, just remember what 

your Dad said. 

JAY 

Yeah, your Mum's a fucking bike. 

Fuck off. 

SIMON 

NEIL 

Oh yeah, here y’are. Nice. * 

NEIL hands out bright pink t-shirts to everyone. On the front 

they say ‘Pussay Patrol’ and have a cartoon cat with an 

erection. On the back they have nicknames, we see JAY’s “Mr 

Big Nob”, NEIL’s “Mr Ladykiller” and SIMON’s “Mr Rebound” 


You owe me twelve quid each, 'cept 

you Will. Yours was twenty. 

WILL 

What? Why? 

NEIL 

'cos I had to bung the bloke a few 

extra quid to make it. 

WILL holds up his t-shirt, on the back it says 'Mr I Fuck 

Kids'.


WILL 

Right, so I've got to pay more 

money for a t-shirt that I didn't 

ask for and I'm not going to wear, 

because it carries a nickname I 

didn't know I had? 

Yes. 

Great. 

The other three laugh. 

SIMON 

WILL 

17 INT GATWICK AIRPORT - NIGHT 3 

17 

The four boys appear out of the lift, wearing their ‘PUSSAY 

PATROL’ t-shirts. They walk out the lift and round the 

corner, approaching the large open check-in area. A couple of 

people passing do double-takes at the t-shirts. 

WILL 

Perfect, no queue. I told you it 

was worth getting here three hours 

early. 

They approach the woman at the check-in desk. 

CHECK IN WOMAN 

Malia flight * 

Yep. 

WILL 

CHECK IN WOMAN 

Delayed seven hours. And please 

remove those t-shirts or we won’t * 

allow you to board the plane. * 

CUT TO: 

18 EXT GV PLANE FLYING / LANDING - DAY 4 

(NOTE: DAY 3 AND DAY 4 ARE THE SAME DAY, WEDNESDAY) 

18 

CUT TO: 

19 SCENE CUT 

19 * 

* 

20 INT/EXT. AIRPORT / COACH - DAY 4 

20 

The boys are trudging across the tarmac out from the airport * 

to a waiting bus. *


JAY * 

I’m hot. * 

NEIL * 

It is well hot. * 

JAY * 

Might be too hot. * 

NEIL * 

Might be. * 

Just then SIMON looks over and sees a girl who looks exactly * 

like CARLI. He shouts after her. * 

SIMON * 

Carli? Carli! Carls! * 

The girl turns round and it isn’t CARLI. SIMON looks glum. * 

SIMON (CONT’D) * 

Oh. * 

The boys finally get to the coach, exhausted and dragging * 

their bags. They are met by a REP with a clipboard. 

REP 

Are you lot the McKenzie party? 

WILL 

Yep, that’s us. * 

REP 

You’re late. 

WILL 

Nice to meet you too. 

BURNLEY LADS (FROM THE BACK SEAT) 

Oi Adrian Mole, get a fucking move 

on, we've got drinking to do. 

The boys walk down the coach, JAY and NEIL first. It's not 

that busy, and in middle are sat a group of quite nice 

looking girls. JANE, LUCY, ALISON and LISA. 

NEIL 

Jay, Jay, tidy minge, nine o'clock. 

JAY just keeps his head down and walks past the girls. 


Jay. JAY! 

JAY swings himself into his seat and NEIL follows.



D'you not see them girls. Why 

don't you chirps them? 

JAY 

I can’t deal with three at once 

Neil. 

NEIL 

Really? What about them triplets? 

JAY 

Nah, yeah, that was alright cos 

that was a luxury caravan, but this 

coach is too small for my moves. 

JAY tries to bump and grind in his seat, but is restricted. 

See? 

NEIL 

No, course. 


WILL and SIMON come up the coach and sit down. WILL leans 

over to NEIL and JAY so he’s addressing everyone. He’s * 

reading from a Lonely Planer Guide to Crete. * 

WILL 

Right, so the plan is get to the 

apartment, unpack, get some sleep 

and then head out fresh tomorrow. 

First stop, the Minoan Palace at 

Knossos. 

JAY 

Have you come on a lads holiday by 

mistake? We haven't come half way 

round the world to look at boring 

fucking Greek ruins. 

NEIL 

Yeah you can see that shit 

anywhere. 

JAY 

Look, we get there, drop the bags 

off and then go straight out and 

get spasticated. Simples. 

WILL 

But i’ve not slept for thirty seven 

hours. 

SIMON 

So shut up and try to get some 

sleep on here then.


WILL 

Fine. Good idea. 

WILL closes his eyes and leans his head back. There's a beat 

and then, louder than you'd think possible, a huge roar and 

an aggressive football chant starts up from the back seats. * 

They start to thump the windows and stamp their feet too. * 

BURNLEY LADS 

AND IT’S SUPER BURNLEY, SUPER 

BURNLEY FC, etc… 

21 EXT. BUS / ISLAND - DAY 4 

21 

Montage of the bus winding it’s way around the island, 

through towns, past waves breaking on cliffs etc, beautiful 

shots, all to the terrible sound of endless Burnley chants. 

CUT TO: 

22 INT/EXT. COACH / BOYS’ APARTMENT - DAY 4 

22 

The coach is stopped outside a shitty looking, half-finished 

five-storey concrete box, with no landscaping, just some * 

brush. In the front there's a GREEK MAN smoking, and pulling 

a wet dead dog out of a well. The boys look on, repulsed. 

There’s a sense of edginess on the coach, (who’s actually 

staying here?) broken by the REP, who’s getting back on. 

REP (CHECKING HER CLIPBOARD) 

Right then, McKenzie party, this is 

you. 

The boys groan. The BURNLEY LADS cheer uproariously. 

BURNLEY LADS 

Nice one fellas. Don’t worry, It’ll * 

be nice when it’s finished. * 

WILL and the three boys slowly trudge off the coach. 

23 EXT BOYS APARTMENT - DAY 4 

23 

The boys, looking unhappy, pick up their suitcases as the bus 

pulls away behind them. Nice four shot here please. 

NEIL 

This don't look like the pictures. 

The GREEK MAN who has pulled the dog out the well comes over 

to them, still holding the dog in his hand. When he shakes 

hands with WILL he transfers the dog to the other hand so 

WILL shakes a wet, dead dog smelling hand. WILL looks at his 

own hand. It’s not great. *


GREEK MAN 

You Willy? 

Yes. 

WILL 

GREEK MAN 

Here keys. Have fun, but not too 

much fun. You shit on floor, fifty 

euro fine. Each time. 

He walks off swinging the dog. As the boys walk towards the 

apartments a really hard looking British bloke comes out the 

main door. Covered in tattoos he’s HARD STEVE. 

HARD STEVE 

Alright lads, you staying here? 

WILL 

Yes we are. 

HARD STEVE 

Bad luck. I've just come back from * 

Afghanistan and conditions there 

are better than this shithole. I 

can't wait to get back to lying in 

a dusty trench being shot at by 

some raghead. You married? * 

SIMON * 

No. * 

HARD STEVE * 

Don’t get married. The wife booked * 

this but somehow it’s my fucking * 

fault. Anyways, pop down for a beer * 

if you fancy it, see yous later. * 

The GREEK MAN sees STEVE and shouts out. 

GREEK MAN 

Steve, you owe me fifty euros. 

The boys look a bit shocked, then they head inside. 

CUT TO: 

24 INT. NEW APARTMENT ROOM - DAY 4 

24 

They enter their holiday apartment and wander round. It’s 

disgusting and has the kind of decor that it’s hard to break 

and cheap to replace. WILL opens the fridge which is empty 

apart from half a can of dog food. WILL and SIMON then walk 

into the living area, which has a sofabed in it. They pull * 

out the sofa bed, and it has a huge light brown stain on a * 

white sheet in the middle of it. SIMON tries the tiny tv * 

which has shash on every channel.


From the other room they hear “SHOTGUN THIS ROOM” from JAY 

and NEIL. SIMON quickly shouts. 

SIMON 

Shotgun the sofabed. 

WILL 

Well where am I going to sleep 

then? 

SIMON 

Not really my problem. 

25 INT. BOYS’ APARTMENT, BATHROOM - DAY 4 

25 

JAY and NEIL are in the bathroom examining the bidet 

NEIL 

What's this? Is this the bath? 

JAY 

Course it's not the bath you idiot, 

there's the bath there. That's the 

kids toilet. 

Is it? 

Yes. 

NEIL 

JAY 

NEIL 

Why's it got a plughole and a tap 

then? 

JAY 

It's for checking your kid's shit 

before you flush it. 

NEIL 

That's grim. 

JAY 

Yeah, I know, but that's the 

continentals innit? They're dirty. 

SIMON and WILL walk in. SIMON points at the bathtub. 

SIMON 

See, that looks comfy. 

WILL 

I am not sleeping in the fucking 

bathtub for two weeks Simon. We’ll 

have to share the sofabed.


JAY 

Oooooh, 'ello. 

WILL 

Brilliant. 

JAY 

Right, well, while you two decide 

who gets first go on each other’s 

cocks, i’m getting ready and 

getting out there. The gash isn’t 

going to fuck itself you know. 

Charming. 

WILL 

26 INT APARTMENT MONTAGE - NIGHT 4 

26 

Musical montage of them getting ready for a night out. They 

are all excited. WILL v/o during this part tbc. 

We see: 

SIMON doing his stupid hair til JAY shoves him out the 

bathroom unceremoniously. SIMON is then in the living room, 

taking clothes out his case. He takes a photo of CARLI, looks 

at it and pops it back. 

WILL with three identical pairs of chinos laid out on the 

sofa, deciding which to wear. He sees Teddy popping out his 

case, gives him a little kiss, then puts him back. 

NEIL checking his tan is alright, which it isn’t. He then 

opens his weirdly immaculately packed suitcase, removes a box 

of Frosties and box of Coco-Pops. He’s annoyed because his 

stupid hat (like the one Blake wore for ages) is squashed and 

has Frosties in it. 

JAY is in the bathroom now, he’s got a beard trimmer in his 

hand. He’s trimming his pubes but he’s treating it as 

delicately as if it were topiary. Each time he brings the 

trimmer up it has a ridiculous amount of hair on it. When he 

finally seems happy he gives himself a little gentleman’s 

spray with some aftershave, smiles, then leaves. 

27 EXT, HEADING TOWARDS THE STRIP, GETTING LIVELIER - NIGHT 4 27 

The boys are walking towards town, looking excited, with a 

few beers for the journey. JAY downs his can and just chucks 

the empty in the bushes then starts up. 

JAY * 

Si, why are you wearing your mum’s * 

shoes? *


SIMON * 

They’re espadrilles actually. * 

JAY 

And Neil, why are you dressed like 

Lewis Hamilton when he’s not at 

work? 

Behave. 

NEIL 

Just then a Police Car slowly drives up past them. * 

JAY * 

Oop, heads down boys. * 

NEIL * 

Shit. * 

WILL * 

Why? We haven’t done anything. * 

JAY * 

Yeah, but it’s foreign police. * 

WILL * 

So? * 

NEIL * 

Don’t you even know about the * 

foreign police? * 

WILL * 

What? Short-sleeved uniforms? * 

Chunkier truncheons? * 

NEIL * 

Fucking hell. * 

JAY * 

They're all corrupt and basically * 

if you misbehave and don't have the * 

money to bribe them, they take you * 

up to these shepherd's huts in the * 

hills, beat you up and bum you. * 

NEIL * 

And if they don't kill you, you * 

kill yourself ‘cos of the shame of * 

getting a boner when you was being * 

bummed. * 

WILL * 

Right, couple of things. Firstly, * 

the hills here are full of * 

timeshares, not deserted shepherd's * 

huts. 

(MORE) 

*


WILL (CONT'D) 

Secondly, Crete's in the EU, so I * 

think the standard of policing * 

probably goes beyond bumming and * 

forced suicide. * 

JAY * 

Believe what you like, I'm going to * 

keep a bribe up my arse just in * 

case. * 

WILL * 

You're going to spend the whole * 

holiday with twenty euros rolled up * 

inside your arse? * 

JAY * 

It’s been up there since the * 

seatbelt signs went off mate. * 

As they walk a guy approaches them (RICHARD). He's got a 

simian swagger about him and he's incredibly familiar. 

RICHARD 

Alright lads, holiday is it, yeah? 

I'm out here on my own having a 

mental time. Can I have a beer? 

NEIL 

Here you go mate. 

JAY pulls back NEIL's arm. 

RICHARD laughs. 

JAY 

No, you can't. Fuck off. 

RICHARD 

Alright, which is it? You say yes, 

he says bloody no, he's not your 

boss is he? 

RICHARD laughs and takes a swig of NEIL'S beer. 

WILL 

Sorry, do we know you? 

RICHARD (IGNORING WILL) 

Anyways here's a good one for you, 

get a torch and walk along the 

beach at night and you get to watch 

people fucking. They're all drunk 

and see like tits and cocks an’ 

that. If you’re into cocks, which 

he looks like he is. *


WILL 

Well, it's been great talking to 

you but we've really got to get a 

move on. 

RICHARD 

Can I come round yours for a 

shower? 

SIMON 

Erm, no? We have to go now. 

RICHARD 

Nah, cool beans. See you later 

lads. Richard, yeah? Richard. 

28 EXT MALIA STREET, NIGHT 4 

28 

People are drunk, but it's not just alcohol that gives the 

place its energy. It’s bursting with the excitement of being 

away from home. 

The boys are wandering along, almost in a daze, overwhelmed 

by the noise and excitement and the options opening up in 

front of them. They are taking it all in and not really 

talking to each other. (MALIA FOOTAGE TO HERE?) 

SIMON is looking around and sees a girl who looks like CARLI 

laughing with some people. He does a double take, but when he 

looks back she’s gone. 

JAY spies a passably attractive group of girls. 

JAY 

Hello. She'd get it... 

NEIL 

Most definitely. 

JAY 

...and that one, she'd get it, and 

that one, and that one… 

NEIL 

…and that one, she’d get it. 

JAY 

Right in the bumholey. 

WILL 

If we're in the easiest place in 

the world to get laid, and all 

these girls would get it, why don't 

you just go and talk to them? 

JAY 

Nah. Not yet. Pacing myself.


NEIL 

I can't believe I've already got a 

bird. Gutted. 

JAY 

So fucking what? All birds know 

what goes on tour stays on tour. 

NEIL 

Nah, I couldn’t do that to Nicole, 

I think I love her. And i’ve never 

loved anything before apart from a 

car or a sandwich. 

JAY 

Well, if the build up gets too much 

mate you can borrow my johnnies, 

have a wank royale. 

NEIL 

Ah, cheers Jay. 

A what? 

WILL 

NEIL 

A Wank Royale? A wank with a Johnny 

on? It's a bit more expensive so I 

tend to save it for special 

occasions. 

SIMON 

Birthdays, Christmas, the Champions 

League final. 

Exactly. 

NEIL 

A very attractive girl in a short skirt holding some flyers 

comes up to them, it’s the PR GIRL. 

PR GIRL 

Alright lads, you up for a good 

time? 

JAY 

Yeah. We're always up for a good 

time. 

NEIL 

We're the pussy patrol 

PR GIRL 

Oh right, so if you really are the 

pussy patrol… 

JAY 

Which we are…


PR GIRL 

…you're obviously going to Marco's? 

It's the most buzzing bar out here, 

always packed but with a really 

chilled out sexy vibe, know what I 

mean? 

WILL 

I don't really know what you mean. 

When you say 'sexy vibe', do you 

mean girls? 

PR GIRL 

Course, loads of girls. And i'll 

sort you half price drinks and a 

free fishbowl. 

JAY 

Cool, cool. So will you be in there 

with your sexiness, making the vibe 

sexy, being all sexy and that? 

Sexy. 

WILL 

Say ‘sexy’ more. 

JAY winces at his clumsy attempt at flirtation. 

PR GIRL 

Well I will if you're going to be 

there you saucy bugger. Come on 

then. 

She takes them to the door of the club, holding JAY by his 

hand, who is grinning smugly at WILL. 

PR GIRL (CONT’D) 

Here you go, these four. See you in 

a bit, mine's a Bacardi and coke. 

JAY 

Large one? 

PR GIRL 

Saucy. I’ll see you later. 

She goes back to her pitch on the pavement, leaving the boys 

to pay to go in. 

NEIL 

Fucking hell, you are well in there 

mate. 

JAY 

Yep, he shoots he scores. Right up 

the vaj.


SIMON 

Oh my god, if she's outside, 

imagine the birds inside? 

They head inside excitedly. 

29 INT MARCOS - A SHIT, EMPTY, CLUB - NIGHT 4 

29 

It is a massive and totally empty bar / club, with the 

exception of a lone barman wiping down glasses. 

WILL 

Ah, interesting. 

JAY peels off to the bar. 

NEIL 

Must get going a bit later, she did 

say it’s amazing. 

WILL 

And why would she lie? 

They head over to the bar, JAY’s already ordering. 

JAY 

Alright mate, four pints, four 

jagermeisters and a fishbowl. 

NEIL (TO THE BARMAN, VERY SLOWLY IN 

SHOUTED ENGLISH.) 

Hello, when it good here? 

BARMAN 

I’m sorry? 

NEIL 

When here party good? 

BARMAN (WHO IS ENGLISH) 

Normally, in about an hour or two. 

SIMON 

Oh, well, as we’ve paid maybe we 

should hang on then? 

BARMAN 

But this year never. 

NEIL (SHOUTED STILL) 

Thank you very much. 

SIMON 

Okay, let's go.


JAY 

Fuck off, my bird'll be here in a 

minute. 

WILL 

Do you mean the woman who is quite 

clearly on a commission to trick 

people into this empty bar? 

JAY 

No, I mean the little fitty outside 

who I was flirting with. 

WILL 

I’ll take that as a 'yes' then. 

JAY 

I'm going nowhere til she's sucked 

me off. 

SIMON 

So, you're going nowhere then? 

WILL 

Jay, we’re on holiday, I'm meant to 

be out there, trying to hit on 

girls I think are beneath me, but 

who for their part won't give me 

the time of day. So let’s go. 

SIMON, WILL and NEIL go to leave, but stop dead when they see 

the four girls who were on the coach coming down the stairs. 

They are about the same age as the four boys, and are 

attractive. One is maybe a little big, but still attractive. 

NEIL 

Hello hello. It's those little 

lovelies from the coach. 

JAY (INDICATING THE LARGER GIRL) 

That one's not so little. 

SIMON 

I think they're looking at us. 

The girls look over and sort of definitely make eye contact. 

WILL 

And not in a ‘we’re terrified leave 

us alone’ way. Amazing. 

JAY 

They're only looking at you cos 

there's no-one else here. 

SIMON 

Jay, you're drunkest, go over and 

talk to them.


JAY 

Nah, not me mate, none of them are 

as fit as my one outside. Why have 

hamburgers when you've got steak at 

home? 

WILL 

If, like you, you have neither 

anywhere? It's up to you then Si. 

SIMON 

Oh, shit, really? i don’t know if 

i’m over Carli. 

JAY slaps SIMON in the nuts. 


Yahhhhhhh... can you stop that? 

JAY 

Yes i can. When you stop being a 

pussy about your ex. It’s time to 

get back on the horse Si, and those 

little ponies need feeding. Feed 

the pony. 

JAY does the ‘feed the pony’ hand gesture. 

SIMON 

Okay, I’ll introduce us but we’ve 

all got to go over together. 

Great. 

WILL 

JAY 

You fucking sad cases, you don't 

just walk up to birds in a club and 

’introduce’ yourself. It's creepy. 

SIMON 

What’s creepy about just saying 

hello? 

JAY 

The way you say it. God do I have 

to do everything for you? Clubs are 

different rules you dick. You dance 

over near them, make the eyes, then 

get them dancing with you. 

Really? 

SIMON 

WILL 

Annoyingly that does sound right. *


JAY 

Thank you. Then after a bit, stand 

behind them and pretend to slap 

them and fuck them up the arse from 

behind. 

WILL 

That might be a bit much. 

SIMON 

Yeah, i dunno... 

NEIL 

Fucking hell, i’ll do it. 

WILL 

What about Nicole? 

NEIL 

It’s only dancing, she likes my 

dancing. 

WILL 

I’m scared. 

NEIL 

Stick with me, you'll be fine. 

WILL 

Right then Simon, looks like the 

holiday starts here. 

NEIL starts to groove over to the girls. SIMON does a kind of 

mental readying then follows and finally, after a deep 

breath, so does WILL. They sort of dance / walk towards the 

girls finishing quite close to them. 

WILL (CONT’D) 

Is this alright? Am I doing it 

right? Am I in time? 

SIMON 

Fine, maybe a little out, but not 

so you'd notice. Copy Neil. 

The three of them look dreadful, dancing really obviously 

close to the girls, looking over and making eyes. Then they 

subconsciously fall into the same moves and rhythm as NEIL. 

They are like the Four Tops (topical reference). The girls 

laugh. JAY is by the bar, shaking his head watching them. 

JAY 

Another fishbowl mate. 

The girls are looking at them and giggling, mainly because 

it's so obvious. There’s a huge space to dance in, and they 

are just next to the girls. The dancing is getting worse, 

then WILL just stops and walks over to ALISON.


BEAT 

WILL 

Sorry, do you mind if we come and 

talk to you, because you look nice 

and frankly this is just 

humiliating for everyone involved? 

ALISON 

Sit down specs. 

WILL excitedly sits down, and gestures to the others. SIMON 

edges over a bit too, and LUCY makes a bee-line for him. 

LUCY 

Hello. i’m Lucy. 

SIMON grins a huge grin and sits down next to her. JAY can't 

believe his eyes. 

JAY (TO BARMAN) 

I better not get stuck with the fat 

one. 

30 INT MARCOS BAR AREA - NIGHT 4 

30 

The boys are now all sat with the girls in the seating area. 

JAY is at the cocktail bar with JANE. 

JANE 

So when Alison initially suggested 

Malia we thought ‘yeah why not, 

it’ll be ironic’, then we had a 

reality check and thought 'do we 

honestly want to spend two weeks 

somewhere being ironic?' And the 

answer was obviously no, so we 

looked at other places but realised 

that, actually, we did want to have 

a laugh and go clubbing and get 

drunk and be silly and that this 

might be a genuinely good place to 

come. So, fuck it, and here we are. 

JAY 

Just so you know I've met a really 

fit bird, and she'll be along any 

minute. Alright? 

JANE 

Okay. She won't mind me talking to 

you will she? 

JAY makes a sort of 'maybe' face. 

CUT TO:


SIMON is mid flow talking to an attractive girl who maybe * 

doesn’t know how beautiful she is. * 

SIMON 

It’s pretty devastating because 

she’s definitely the most beautiful 

girl i’ve ever met. She’s so 

fascinating. Oh, and she’s funny, 

really funny, you know? 

LUCY 

Oh right, in what sort of way? 

SIMON 

Just like, um, in a, you know when 

something's funny and people get 

it? 

Yes. 

LUCY 

SIMON 

In that way. And also a comedy way. 

LUCY looks unimpressed, and the camera then swings over to 

where NEIL is sat with LISA in total silence. He looks like 

he's going to speak a few times, but then doesn't. She seems 

quite shy, then NEIL finally breaks the silence. 

NEIL 

Wanna dance? 

LISA nods, they go and dance in a perfectly normal way. 

31 INT. MARCOS BAR - NIGHT 4 

31 

WILL is talking to ALISON. They look over at JAY who is 

ordering another drink and, whilst the barman’s back is 

turned, is emptying bottles from the bar into his fishbowl. 

ALISON 

He hasn’t been drinking fishbowls 

all night has he? 

WILL 

When in Rome… 

ALISON 

...drink something which is nine 

parts Sunny Delight, one part 

lighter fluid? 

WILL 

I think that’s the saying, yes. I’m 

Will by the way.


ALISON 

Alison. So has this place hired you 

as some sort of avant garde dance 

troupe to scare the customers off? 

WILL * 

No, I lost my mind and agreed to * 

come here on holiday. What’s your 

excuse? 

ALISON 

Sort of similar. I came out earlier 

this summer, fell crazy in love 

with a gorgeous local, so i’m back. 

WILL 

Hilarious, of course you did. What 

was he, a barman or a waiter? 

Waiter. 

ALISON 

WILL 

Brilliant. And what’s he called, 

Stavros? 

Nicos. 

ALISON 

WILL 

Too good. I bet he’s different to 

all the boys back home? 

ALISON 

Yes. He understands women for one. 

WILL 

I’m sure he does, he must get 

enough practice. So I presume he 

wooed you with the old “I love you, 

I love you, you only girl for me, 

there no-other-girl in my life, oh 

wait, here comes the next plane 

from Newcastle, I gotta go baby.” 

ALISON 

Sorry, you do realise I'm not 

playing along with a joke, I 

genuinely do have a Greek waiter 

boyfriend called Nicos? 

WILL 

No, of course you do. Brilliant, * 

‘Nicos’. You’ve really nailed the * 

cliches. 

BEAT where ALISON looks at him.


WILL (CONT'D) 

You are joking aren't you? 

ALISON 

No. His grandmother has a moustache 

if that makes the stereotype even 

funnier for you? 

WILL 

I'm sorry. I’m sure he’s not like 

every other waiter out here. 

ALISON 

It's fine, you don’t know what 

you’re talking about. Although your 

accent is pretty good. 

ALISON looks at her watch. 

ALISON (CONT’D) 

Oops, I've got to go. Don't want 

to miss my stereotypical Greek 

boyfriend. He might get angry and 

smash some plates. 

WILL 

… or commit atrocities in Anatolia. 

ALISON 

You're not normal are you? 

32 INT. MARCO’S SHIT CLUB - NIGHT 4 

32 

The club has filled up a bit, there are a group of middleaged 

women and a couple of locals chatting to the barman. JAY 

is again nicking spirits when LISA comes over and stands next 

to JANE, looking a bit sad. 

JANE 

Alright Lis, where’s Neil? 

LISA points over to NEIL who is dancing between two fat 

northern women. 

SIMON and LUCY are still chatting. 

CUT TO: 

SIMON 

So then Carli said she needed some * 

space, and Uni’s coming up so maybe 

she’s right. 

LUCY 

Sorry, who’s right?


Carli. 

Who? 

SIMON 

LUCY 

SIMON 

Carli? My ex. 

LUCY 

You went out with a girl called 

Carli? You should have said. 

SIMON 

What? I did, that’s all i’ve been 

talking about, oh. 

SIMON realises she was joking. 

LUCY 

Yes, I was joking. I also have a 

comedy sense of humour. 

SIMON 

Oh. Sorry for going on about her, i 

usually get a smack in the balls to 

stop me. 

What? 

LUCY 

SIMON 

Um, nothing. 

ALISON and WILL come over to them. 

ALISON 

Lucy, we should go. Nicos finishes 

soon and I don't want to miss him. 

LUCY 

Cool. Simon's been telling me all 

about Carli, she sounds amazing. 

WILL 

She's not. 

Shut up. 

SIMON 

LUCY 

So, shall we all hang out again * 

sometime?


ALISON 

Yeah, you lot don’t seem too bad. 

If i hear another bloke out here 

refer to women as gash i’m going to 

scream. 

WILL and SIMON laugh, then shiftily glance at JAY and NEIL. 

WILL / SIMON 

No, yeah, sure, right, that is bad, * 

that’s horrible. * 

LUCY 

Do you fancy coming to the all day * 

boat party, friday? I know it’s 

meant to be sold out but our rep 

reckons he can still get tickets if 

you fancy it? 

SIMON 

All day boat party? What's that? 

LUCY 

Well it's a party. 

Okay. 

All day. 

Yep. 

SIMON 

LUCY 

SIMON 

LUCY 

On a boat. 

Oh right. 

SIMON 

Beat where ALISON and WILL look at SIMON. 

ALISON 

Well now that’s been cleared up, 

we’re off. See you later Will. 

The four girls leave MARCO’S, SIMON and WILL head over to JAY 

SIMON 

Amazing. Do you realise we just 

danced over, chatted up some girls, 

they loved it, and you didn’t fuck 

it up? 

Me? 

WILL


SIMON * 

Are we playas? I’m starting to 

think that here, unlike at home, we 

might actually be playas. 

WILL 

Maybe, I’m not really sure what 

that means. However as I’ve not 

slept now for two days i’m going to 

bed. 

SIMON 

Yeah, my eyeballs feel like they’ve 

got papercuts. Jay? 

JAY (DRUNK) 

Fuck that. There’s a fit bird up 

there who’s so wet for me I can 

hear the waves breaking in her 

fanny. I’m gonna take her down the 

beach and fuck her brains out. 

WILL 

Right, well we’ve established that 

isn’t happening. 

JAY 

Fine, watch me. 

JAY holds the fishbowl in two hands and downs it. 

SIMON 

We’d better get Neil. 

WILL and SIMON and look over to see NEIL who is dancing 

incredibly close with one of the quite large middle-aged 

women. His shoulder is moving up and down. The boys approach 

and chat to him over her shoulder. 

WILL 

Neil, oh god, we're off. 

NEIL 

Right, won't be a minute, I'll just 

finish up here 

SIMON 

Christ Neil, what about Nicole? 

The WOMAN turns her head to talk look at SIMON and smiles. 

NEIL 

Ah she won’t mind, we're not 

kissing. 

WOMAN * 

Nah, it's just fingers in't it 

lover?


WILL * 

Right. * 

NEIL * 

Yeah. I’ll catch you lot up, one 

second. 

We pull wider to see that NEIL has indeed got his hand up the 

woman’s skirt. Immediately after this last line he starts to 

move his hand at double the pace, speeding up the motion. 

WILL and SIMON look on appalled. 

SIMON 

He’s definitely picked up the pace. 

There’s a crash and the boys look over at JAY who is standing 

by an angry barman and a smashed bottle from the speed rail. * 

JAY (DRUNKENLY) 

I never fucking touched it. 

33 EXT. MARCO’S CLUB - NIGHT 4 

33 

The boys walk out of the bar and back onto the street. WILL 

and SIMON are helping JAY walk a bit. 

JAY 

She’s going to suck my knob-knob 

dry, you watch. 

WILL 

I’d rather not watch if it’s all 

the same to you. 

NEIL jogs up to join them, wiping his hand on his trousers. 

Up ahead SIMON sees a CARLI look-a-like walk into a bar. 

SIMON 

Shit, was that Carli? 

JAY makes a lunge to hit SIMON in the balls, misses. 

WILL 

Look, Si, it’s normal that after a 

break-up you’ll think you see her 

everywhere, but she’s not here. 

SIMON 

Yeah, i s’pose. 

NEIL 

It could be her. 

What? 

SIMON


NEIL 

Could be her. She is out here at 

the moment. 

What? 

SIMON 

NEIL 

Well we weren’t sure where the best 

place to go was, and her and her 

mates are pretty cool, so I arksed 

them where they was going, and 

when, and that’s why I booked 

Malia. 

SIMON 

You fucking idiot. I came away to 

try and get over her. 

Did ya? 

NEIL 

SIMON 

You know i did. 

NEIL 

Oh yeah, course. 

SIMON 

Oh god look at her, i have missed 

her. Do you think this is fate? 

Her being here, me being here? 

WILL 

No, i think Neil asked her where 

she was going and booked the same 

place, like he just said. Let’s go 

before she sees us. 

SIMON 

No. No, i’ve got to go and talk to 

her. If there’s even the slightest 

chance of us getting back together 

i’ve got to take it. 

SIMON rushes over to CARLI. * 

JAY walks up to the PR GIRL. * 

JAY 

Oi, baby, you stood me up. 

PR GIRL 

You didn't wait long enough 

sweetheart. 

JAY 

Come on kiss me.


PR GIRL 

I'm working darling. 

JAY 

I love your boobs. 

34 EXT. STRIP - NIGHT 4 

34 

SIMON walks up to CARLI who is standing with a couple of 

girlfriends, including RACHEL from school. 

Carli. 

SIMON 

CARLI 

Simon? Oh my god, what are you 

doing here? 

RACHEL 

Stalking you abroad. 

SIMON 

No, the opposite actually. It’s 

just a mix up by my friends. My 

stupid fucking idiot friends. 

CARLI 

Well, whatever, it’s great to see * 

you. 

Is it? 

SIMON 

CARLI 

Yeah. It is. Course. 

SIMON 

Course. So, as we’re here why don’t 

we hang out? How about right now? 

CARLI 

Now? Oh, i can’t now, but you’ll be 

on the boat party on Friday right? 

SIMON 

The boat party? I was literally 

just talking about the boat party. 

CARLI 

It’s gonna be amazing. The best way 

to round off the holiday. 

SIMON 

What? Why are you going? Don’t go.


CARLI 

I’ve got to go, my flight leaves 

Saturday. The boat’s our last 

chance to party. 

SIMON 

Right. Well i’ll definitely be 

there then. For total, one million 

percent, definitely. 

CARLI 

Cool. It’ll be great to hang out 

again, I’ve missed you. 

Hmmmmmmm. 

SIMON 

Suddenly 2 speeding quad bikes hove into view and comes to a * 

stop behind SIMON. One it’s ridden by JAMES, a handsome young * 

Englishman. The other by one of his mates. JAMES slightly * 

overshoots the braking and the front wheel rams into SIMON’s 

calf. He goes down, crumpled in pain. 


Arghhh, Jesus, fuck it. 

JAMES 

Oh shit, sorry mate. 

CARLI 

James. Are you OK Simon? 

SIMON stands up and attempts to brush the accident off even 

though he is weeping a bit. 

SIMON 

Oooh, I’m fine, urhh, I’ll walk it 

off. 

JAMES 

Yeah, cool. Come on Carls, we’ve 

gotta go. 

SIMON 

Oh, do you two know each other? 

CARLI 

Yeah, James is our rep. 

JAMES 

Rep, unofficial rep. I sort out 

club nights, do a bit of party 

organising, PR, just make sure 

everyone's having a good time, know 

what I mean? You sure you’re okay? 

SIMON 

Aaaaaaalllll gooood.


JAMES 

Carli, let’s go. 

CARLI 

Bye Simon, see you on the boat. 

JAMES 

See you mate, mind that leg. 

CARLI hops on the back of the quad holding JAMES. RACHEL hops * 

on the back of JAMES’ mate’s bike. They speed off. There’s a * 

shout and SIMON turns to see JAY lunging for a snog and tit 

feel of the PR girl. All hell kicks loose as the PR GIRL 

shoves him off and starts shouting at him. SIMON speedily 

limps over. 

35 EXT STRIP - NIGHT 4 

35 

PR GIRL 

What gives you the right to touch 

me you little fucking prick? 

Eh? 

JAY 

WILL steps in to help JAY. 

WILL 

Sorry. I think me might have had a 

little too much of the old drink. 

PR GIRL 

I'm sick of every dickhead thinking 

they get touching rights because I 

smiled at them. It's my fucking 

job you cretin. 

WILL 

Yes, well you're doing it 

fantastically well. You certainly 

tricked us. 

What? 

Nothing. 

PR GIRL 

WILL 

JAY 

Are you on the blob? 

The PR GIRL swings hard for JAY and slaps him across the 

cheeks. 


Sexy, i like it.


WILL 

Shut up Jay. Time for bed. 

WILL drags him away. 

JAY 

Fuck that. You two can bum 

yourselves to death on the sofabed, 

I’m off for another drink. 

WILL 

Jay don’t be insane, you’re too 

drunk already. 

JAY 

I’m on fucking holiday, you can’t 

be too drunk. You coming Neil? 

NEIL 

Nah i like it in there. And the way 

i see it not sleeping for two 

nights is pretty much the same as 

not sleeping for one. 

JAY * 

Right, fine. * 

JAY stumbles off up the strip and NEIL heads back in to 

Marcos. SIMON looks round for CARLI, but she’s gone. 

WILL 

How was your chat? 

SIMON 

Amazing. Carli is here Will. This 

is what she was worried about us 

being apart, that’s why we split 

up. But we aren’t apart because we 

are both here. i just need to get 

on that boat. 

NEIL pops his head out again. 

NEIL 

Actually can one of you help me? I 

think she might be a two-man job. 

SIMON and WILL look at him, then walk off. 

36 EXT/INT. APARTMENT - DAY 5 

36 

WILL and SIMON are asleep on the sofabed, WILL under a 

horrible looking blanket. It’s early but the sun is up and 

daylight fills the room through the almost transparent 

curtains. We hear some grunting and bed scraping noises. WILL 

stirs from his sleep, reaches and puts his glasses on.


Now he’s aware of the additional growling and creaking noises 

from the bedroom. The door to the bedroom is closed but on 

the handle WILL can see NEIL’S white trilby hat. 

WILL 

Simon. SIMON. 

SIMON 

Christ, it’s like a sauna in here. 

Have you got any water? 

Beat as SIMON’s ears prick up at the bedroom noise 


What the fuck is that noise? 

WILL (POINTING TO THE HAT) 

I think it’s Neil. 

SIMON 

No way? Oh no, not the dinner lady 

from last night? 

From inside the bedroom they can hear what sounds like a very 

gruff voiced northern woman ordering him around. 

WOMAN OOV 

Smooth me lover. 

NEIL OOV 

I can’t understand a thing you say. 

WOMAN OOV 

Spunk over me bastard tits. 

Oh right. 

NEIL OOV 

WILL 

Well, it’s her or Johnny Vegas. * 

NEIL suddenly shouts at the top of his voice. 

Ooowwwww. 

NEIL O.S. 

WOMAN O.S. 

Fucking smack it. Smack it you 

little prick. 

We hear a slap. WILL and SIMON look a bit freaked out. 

WOMAN OOV 

Is that all you've got? Harder. 

NEIL OOV 

Shall I bite it?


WILL 

Interesting question. 

SIMON 

This is beyond creepy. 

WOMAN OOV 

Bite it… spit on it... twist it 

right fucking off… * 

WILL 

Okay, i’m getting out of here. 

As the noises continue WILL and SIMON head onto the balcony. 

37 EXT. BOY’S HOTEL BALCONY - DAY 5 

37 

WILL and SIMON are sitting on the balcony, SIMON is playing 

cards, WILL is going through his wallet. 

WILL 

How can i have spent a hundred 

euros? Holy shit, I’ve only 

budgeted fifteen euros a day. 

SIMON 

It doesn’t matter how broke we are 

because Carli is here. 

WILL 

It does matter, because i’ve 

spunked all my money in one night. 

NEIL suddenly slides back the patio doors and steps out. He’s 

naked apart from a towel around his waist, and you can 

clearly see the outline of his erection. 

Alright? 

NEIL 

WILL 

Oh, jesus Neil. 

NEIL 

Don’t worry about that, it’s on the * 

way down. You seen Jay? 

SIMON 

Shit, no, not since last night. 

NEIL 

No, i mean you seen him. He’s over 

there. 

There is a figure passed out in front of the apartments next 

to the well. The GREEK MAN walks past it (carrying some clear 

plastic bags full of meat) and rolls it over with his foot.


It’s JAY, who moans then rolls back over onto his face. The 

three boys get up and rush over to JAY. 

38 EXT. BOY’S APARTMENT - DAY 5 

38 

They arrive at JAY just as he is stirring. Where he has been 

lying his face is half covered in red clay. 

SIMON 

You alright mate? 

JAY (RUBBING HIS CHEEK) 

Uuurrgghh. Face. 

NEIL 

Yeah, you got something on your 

face. 

JAY lifts his head and it’s covered in ants and bites, and 

the mound has lots of angry red ants on it. 

WILL 

It appears Jay’s slept face down in 

an ants nest. 

JAY 

Pain. Tongue. 

SIMON laughs. As JAY nurses his wounds they hear a door slam. * 

They turn and see a very ropey looking woman appearing from * 

the hotel entrance. She’s in last night’s make up and has a 

fag on. She looks over to the boys, they stand there 

staring. No one responds. 

NEIL’S WOMAN 

It’s alright boys, kitty don’t 

bite. Not now she’s been fed 

anyway, eh lover? 

With a wink to Neil she disappears into the rising sun. BEAT 

JAY 

What the fuck was that? 

39 EXT. BEACHFRONT CAFE - DAY 5 

39 

The four boys are sat on plastic furniture in a cafe 

overlooking the port, near the strip. It has pictures of the 

food plastered everywhere - full english, cottage pie, 

sausage, chips, kebabs, chicken tikka masala etc. 

Jay’s bites are all down the left side of his face, torso and 

left leg. He’s counting them.


JAY 

...sixty five, sixty six, sixty 

seven, sixty eight fucking bites. * 

A GREEK WAITER lays down a plate with a single tiny piece of 

toast on it and a horribly burnt fried egg on top. 

WILL 

Oh sorry, I asked for two poached * 

eggs. 

GREEK WAITER 

Is poached, look. 

WILL 

No this is fried and an egg, 

singular. 

GREEK WAITER 

Yes poached. I promise with all my 

heart. 

WILL 

So you’re promising me with all 

your heart that this is two poached 

eggs? 

GREEK WAITER 

Yes. Burger? 

JAY 

That’s mine, ta. 

The GREEK WAITER leaves. 

NEIL 

Oi, i’m starving, where’s my bacon 

sandwich? 

JAY 

I thought you’d have eaten enough 

pig last night. 

SIMON 

Mate what where you thinking? 

NEIL 

I dunno. She was saying all this 

dirty stuff and she looked a bit 

like Will's mum so I thought why 

not? 

WILL 

She didn’t look like my mum Neil. * 

NEIL 

She did a bit.


WILL 

No, she did not. 

JAY 

I bet she did when she had his cock 

in her mouth. 

WILL 

Brilliant. 

SIMON 

Don’t you feel bad about Nicole? 

Who? 

NEIL 

SIMON 

Nicole. The girlfriend that you've 

just cheated on. 

NEIL 

Oh, nah. Nah, only the tip went in. * 

Any more than the tip is cheating, 

and i’d never do that, cos i’ve got * 

ethics. 

SIMON downs his tea and gets up. 

SIMON 

Right, well see you lot later. 

JAY 

Where you going? 

SIMON 

I’m going to find those girls. Lucy 

said her rep still had some boat 

party tickets left. 

JAY (SARCASTICALLY) 

Oh right, that’s an interesting * 

story. 

SIMON 

Well it is actually, because guess 

who’s going to be there? Carli. Ow. 

SIMON gets a slap in the balls from JAY who is holding his 

burger in the other hand. 


Look, she asked me to the party, 

she said she missed me. There’s got 

to be a chance she’s... 

NEIL 

...on all fours sucking that bloke 

off?


SIMON 

No. It means there’s a chance she 

wants us to get back together. What 

bloke? 

JAY 

You’re meant to be here to forget 

about Carli. 

NEIL slaps him in the balls. 


Ow, not me Neil. 

WILL 

I’ll help you find them Si, they 

were fun, it’ll be good to see them 

again. Alison was nice. 

JAY 

Only you could get a hard-on about 

a girl who’s fucking someone else. 

SIMON 

Great, cool. As we’re here let’s 

start at the beach. 

JAY 

Fine, fuckit, i’ll help. They 

shouldn’t be too hard to find, you 

can probably spot the lardarse i 

got stuck with from outer space. 

Neil? 

WILL 

NEIL 

Can’t. Had a nightmare, Left my 

trunks in England didn’t i? 

SIMON 

So you were planning to spend two 

weeks on holiday never swimming? 

JAY 

Just wear your Calvins, they’re 

practically the same. 

NEIL 

Can i Will? 

WILL 

Yes, i suppose. 

NEIL 

And can i bring a ball?


WILL 

Yes Neil, yes you can. But 

seriously no swimming til an hour * 

after we’ve eaten. 

40 EXT. BEACH FRONT - DAY 5 

40 

The four boys are making their way along the crowded beach, 

all in swimming trunks with towels. SIMON is looking around 

earnestly, the others are open mouthed. They have spotted a 

number of topless women. 

NEIL 

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. 

JAY 

Nice, classic. 

SIMON 

What? Oh wow. 

WILL 

This is incredible, they're 

everywhere. 

JAY 

I’m in tit heaven. 

NEIL 

I’m doing a thing where i look, but 

look like i’m not looking. 

SIMON 

What's going on, i mean why are 

they all topless? 

WILL 

If it’s bothering you we can ask 

them to put their tops back on? 

SIMON 

I'm not complaining, I'm just 

saying why? When did someone 

decide that this was totally fine? 

WILL 

I don’t know. 

SIMON 

Because it is totally fine. 

BEAT as the boys take it all in again. 

JAY 

Right, um, i’m going in the sea.


WILL 

I think we should find the girls, 

first, that’s what we’re here for. 

JAY 

Nope. I’m going in right now. 

JAY rushes into the sea with his hands over his crotch. 

SIMON 

Oh shit, me too. 

SIMON follows JAY. NEIL starts to remove his jogging bottoms. 

WILL 

Come on guys, grow up. Oh Neil not 

you too? 

NEIL 

Nah, I need a toilet. 

NEIL strips to his white Calvin Klein pants and runs in. WILL 

stands for a beat, looks around, then runs and dives into the 

turquoise waters, soaking a couple of older bathers. 

41 EXT. THE BEACH - IN THE SEA - DAY 5 

41 

The four boys are up to their waists in the sea playing a 

game of headers with a ball. They are genuinely having fun. 

WILL 

It’s lovely, like a bath. I never 

realised the Mediterranean got this 

warm. 

NEIL 

I think you might be standing in my 

wake mate. 

WILL 

Neil are you pissing? 

NEIL 

No. Not any more. 

WILL 

Neil. * 

WILL shuffles a few feet round, trying to avoid NEIL. * 

SIMON 

Can you see them anywhere? 

JAY 

Just look for a group of girls with 

a pet elephant.


NEIL 

She had a pretty face. 

JAY 

That’s what they say about all fat 

girls, Neil. 

SIMON 

Why are you so nasty about Jane, is * 

it cos she likes you? 

Fuck off. 

JAY 

WILL 

Look, are we going to play or not? 

JAY 

Ooooh play. 

WILL 

Yes, that’s the correct verb. 

NEIL 

Oooh, verb. 

WILL 

Yep, also correct. 

As JAY holds the ball, JAMES, who has walked down the beach 

with his mates, shouts over at them. 

JAMES 

Oi lads. Ball. Ball. 

JAY looks at the others. He’s clearly unsure what to do. 

WILL 

Is that Carli’s friend? 

SIMON 

He’s her rep, don’t think they’re 

really friends. 

JAMES 

Come on mate, ball. On me head. 

JAY looks at WILL, then the others nervously before throwing 

the ball to JAMES. JAMES catches it, tucks it under his arm, 

and walks off with his mates pissing themselves laughing. 

BEAT 

JAMES (CONT’D) 

Oh cheers fellas. 

Good. 

WILL


JAY sees JANE waving at him. She’s heading over. 

JANE 

Hello boys. 

Oh no. 

JAY 

JANE 

Morning lads, thought it was you. 

What’s happened to your face Jay? 

Jay doesn’t respond. 

Jay? 

JANE (CONT’D) 

JAY 

It’s a food allergy. 

JANE 

I could do with one of those. Maybe 

an iced bun allergy. 

NEIL (LAUGHING) 

You could, yeah. Good one. 

SIMON 

I’m trying to find Lucy Jane, is 

she around? 

JANE 

They’re still in bed sleeping off 

the fishbowls. I snuck out for a 

fry-up, naughty, but we’re staying 

at the Palace, so why don’t you pop 

along later? 

SIMON 

Brilliant, we definitely will. 

JANE 

Cool. Now do you want me to go and 

get your ball back off the nasty 

big boys Jay? 

The boys all look at JAY who remains sulkily silent. 

WILL 

Yes please. 

42 EXT. THE PALACE HOTEL POOL - DAY 5 

42 

WILL, NEIL, JAY and SIMON arrive at a hotel complex. There's 

a really big pool, and it's clearly a nice family resort. 

They look a little out of place.


NEIL 

It’s important we find somewhere to 

sit where we get the best view of 

boobies. 

WILL 

Or indeed, find anywhere at all to 

sit. 

It is very busy. Neil gestures to four beds with towels right 

next to the pool. 

NEIL 

What about here? 

WILL 

They've got towels on them Neil. 

So? 

NEIL 

WILL 

That means people have bagsied 

them, we can't take those. 

JAY 

Fuck that. 

JAY goes to move the towels off the beds. 

WILL 

No, Jay, we can't. 

JAY 

Watch me. It's probably a load of 

Krauts who got down early in the 

morning to reserve them. 

SIMON 

This towel's got Finding Nemo on 

it. 

JAY 

So what, Nazis can like Disney too. 

And with that JAY grabs the towels and chucks them into the 

middle of the pool. 

Jay. 

WILL 

JAY 

And besides, I really need a lie- * 

down. My head’s more fucked than * 

Neil’s Dad’s arsehole. * 

NEIL * 

Behave. *

The Inbetweeners Movie - Pink amendments 05/02/2011 59A 

Other holidaymakers with children wince at JAY’s vulgarity.


43 EXT. POOL COMPLEX - DAY 5 

43 

The four boys are lying on their sunbeds. JAY has huge 

headphones on, WILL is reading, lying on his back. 

NEIL * 

Lying down’s boring, innit? Who * 

fancies a walk? Check out the * 

chicas? * 

He laughs, WILL winces. * 

SIMON * 

Not me, I don’t want to miss Lucy. * 

NEIL * 

Will? Chicas? * 

WILL * 

I would come check out the chicas * 

Neil, but I’m at a really good bit * 

in my book. * 

NEIL * 

Is it the pop-up bit? * 

WILL * 

No. * 

JAY * 

Your choice Professor Brain, but * 

i’m telling you words never porked * 

anyone. * 

JAY and NEIL walk off. * 

WILL * 

True in a way. Simon, will you do * 

my back? 

No. 

No? 

SIMON 

WILL 

SIMON 

I don’t want to touch you. 

WILL 

Don’t be stupid, just put the 

suncream on please. 

Um, no. 

SIMON


WILL 

Unbelievable. I’ll do it myself 

then. 

WILL struggles to rub the lotion into his back. He ends up 

with a few blotches in places. SIMON watches WILL struggling 

and spots an opportunity. 

SIMON 

Look, alright, I’ll do it with one 

finger, that’s not gay. 

WILL 

Thank you. 

SIMON rubs it all in with one finger, then starts to scrape a 

a massive spunking cock shape into the cream. 


Make sure you do it properly. 

SIMON 

I am, but it’s a bit of a mess. 

You’ve got too much here, and here, 

i’ll scrape it off. Nearly there. 

Right, all done. 

WILL 

Thank you, that wasn’t so bad was * 

it? 

SIMON 

No, no, that was fine. 

44 EXT. GIRLS HOTEL - DAY 5 

44 

NEIL and JAY are in their shades walking round the pool. NEIL 

is very white apart from his orange hands and face. JAY is 

covered in ant bites and wearing a pair of Man Utd football 

shorts shifts awkwardly, pulling at the shorts in his arse a 

bit making him look even less attractive. 

NEIL 

You alright? 

JAY 

Yeah, it’s just that twenty Euros. 

NEIL spots a couple of girls at the poolside bar sipping 

drinks and nudges JAY. The girls do a double take at the 

sight of them. NEIL notices, but thinks it’s in a good way. 

NEIL 

Aye aye Jay, here we go, we’ve been 

spotted.


JAY 

Seen em. Look cool. 

They walk with even more of a strut, then a small chubby 

GREEK KID comes over to JAY and runs around him, pointing and 

giggling at his shorts. 

KID 

Manchester, Manchester. 

JAY 

Who’s this little twat? 

KID 

You from Manchester, you like 

Manchester 

JAY 

Yeah, yeah, near Manchester. 

NEIL 

No you aren’t. 

JAY 

Shut up Neil, the birds are loving 

it. 

KID 

Goooooaaallllll. 

It’s true that the girls are watching him play with the kid, 

so he starts to play along back a bit. 

JAY 

Goal, goal to Manchester, yeah. 

He goes to walk off, but the kid’s not stopped playing. He 

starts to kick Jay a bit. 

KID 

Oh, Manchester, foul. 

The kid tries to tackle JAY, stopping him from walking by. 

JAY 

Yeah, yeah hilarious. Get out the 

way now. 

Everyone round the pool is looking and enjoying the game. JAY 

definitely isn't, though can't be seen not to be, so makes a 

dash to get past the kid on the inside. The kid shoves JAY 

and he goes flying into the pool. 


Right, you're fucking dead you 

little shit.


JAY clambers out, furious, and is about to chase after the 

kid but NEIL stops him. The kid runs off, giggling. 

NEIL * 

Mate, leave it. The chicas are 

looking. Just laugh it off. 

This is true, everyone is watching. JAY is trying to calm 

down, but inside he's raging. There’s a beat and then he 

laughs, really falsely for far, far too long. 

45 EXT. POOL AREA - DAY 5 

45 

SIMON and WILL are lying on their sunbeds, WILL is reading 

and SIMON listening to his ipod with his eyes closed. WILL’s 

sun is blocked. 

WILL 

No, I'm fine for drinks thanks. 

ALISON coughs to attract WILL’s attention. He looks up and * 

sees ALISON, looking rather fantastic in sunglasses, bikini 

top and sarong. She has JANE, LISA and LUCY in tow. 


Oh, Alison, hello. 

ALISON 

Hello. You know you’ve got a 

spunking cock on your back? 

WILL 

What, oh no. 

SIMON starts laughing. 


Thanks Simon, very funny, very 

mature. So i’ve been lying here 

with a cock on my back have i? 

SIMON 

Not for the first time. 

LUCY laughs at SIMON. SIMON sees her laughing. 

ALISON 

I’ll burn a muff on my tit if it 

makes you feel less self-conscious. 

WILL 

It would actually, we’d make quite 

the pair. 

JANE throws her bag down by JAY’s lounger and rolls onto it. *


LUCY (IMPRESSED) 

You’ve got a really good spot here. 

SIMON 

Yes, Jay, um, sorted them. 

JANE 

Did he use some of his boyish * 

charm? * 

WILL 

In a way, yes. 

JANE 

Well I’m sure he won’t mind if I 

make myself comfortable. 

LISA sits down next to her on NEIL’s bed. * 

LUCY 

I think i might start drinking 

again, anyone fancy joining me? 

SIMON 

Um, yeah, i’ll come with you. 

LUCY 

Oh, lucky me. 

LUCY and SIMON walk off to towards the bar. 

ALISON 

I’m knackered. * 

ALISON flops down on SIMON’s bed, next to WILL. * 

WILL 

Fishbowl hangover? * 

ALISON 

No, Nicos was over last night. 

WILL 

Does not stop talking? 

ALISON 

No, we were having sex. 

Right. 

WILL 

ALISON 

Sorry, does it make you 

uncomfortable when I mention sex? 

WILL 

No it's good, it’s great that 

you’re so... sexually active.


ALISON laughs. 

ALISON 

Yeah, I suppose it is. What's the 

best sex you've ever had Will? 

WILL 

Well, hard to say really. 

ALISON 

Come on, you can tell me. 

WILL 

Oh, I don’t like to sex and tell. 

ALISON 

Don’t be boring, tell me. 

WILL 

Look I’m going to level with you, I 

have never put my penis in a lady. 

ALISON 

That’s alright, you’re a virgin, 

that's cool. 

WILL 

Shh, let’s not mention the v word. 

And it’s definitely not cool, if 

anything it’s famously uncool. 

ALISON 

Well, it’s cute then. 

WILL 

Oh god, that’s even worse. 

ALISON 

You're funny Will. 

WILL 

Well that’s something. Can i get a 

girl into bed, for sex, just by 

making her laugh? 

ALISON 

Yes, of course. 

WILL 

Wow, great. 

ALISON 

If she’s a clinical moron. 


46 

SIMON and LUCY are walking round the pool over to the bar.


BEAT 

SIMON 

Lucy, it’s so amazing to see you. 

LUCY 

What a welcome, nice to see you 

too. 

SIMON 

Yeah, good. Now can you still get 

boat party tickets? 

LUCY 

I’d have thought so, i just have to 

go and find the rep. So you’re 

coming along then? 

SIMON 

Yes, of course. It’ll be amazing. 

Great. 

LUCY 

SIMON (CARRYING ON) 

Because Carli’s here, in Malia and 

she’s going to be on the boat 

tomorrow. If I can just get five 

minutes alone with her i know we’ll 

fix things up. It’s fate. So can 

you go and get those tickets? 

LUCY 

You really know how to make a girl 

feel special don’t you? 

SIMON 

Yeah I know, Carli is going to love 

it. Can you hurry up? 

LUCY trudges off to inside the hotel reception. 

CUT TO: 


47 

NEIL goes over to LISA. JAY is still scowling a bit as he * 

sits down on his towel, next to JANE. 

NEIL 

Do you want to play bat and ball? 

LISA nods. * 

NEIL strips down to his white Calvins again. LISA looks 

surprised to see him in pants.



Forgot my trunks. 

LISA nods acceptance and they head to the pool. 

JANE 

I don’t think much of your diving 

ability Jay. I’d give you one. 

What? 

JAY 

JANE 

Out of ten. 

JAY 

Yeah, funny. Can you move, you're 

blocking the sun? 

Just then the GREEK KID from earlier comes up holding a 

child's bucket that has some water in it. He threatens to 

throw some on JAY. 


Oh, leave it out you little prick. 

JANE 

Do you want me to protect you from 

him too? 

The KID just gets more excited and splashes a little water on 

JAY'S chest. JANE laughs. 

JAY 

Right, that’s it. 

JAY goes mental and runs after the kid, chasing him round the 

pool. The kid clearly thinks it’s a game, JAY doesn’t. As he 

bolts after the kid he passes a MIDDLE AGED MAN who is 

marching up to WILL and the others. He is clearly pissed off. 

MAN 

Oi. These are our sunbeds, where’s 

our towels? 

WILL 

(under his breath) 

Oh good. 

ALISON 

There weren’t any towels when we 

arrived and we’ve been here for the 

last hour. 

MAN 

I didn’t ask to read your fucking 

diary love, I said where’s our 

towels.


WILL 

Now there’s no need to be abusive. 

If you look around there are signs 

everywhere saying you can’t reserve 

sunbeds. 

MAN 

So you moved our towels? 

WILL 

The point I’m making is that 

whatever the fate of the towels, 

these cannot be ‘your’ beds. 

MAN 

What have you done with my fucking 

towels? 

HOTEL STAFF MEMBER (TO WILL) 

Sir, I get you some other beds, 

please take up your stuff. 

WILL 

Me? What? Why should we move? 

Because he made a scene? Because 

his family are too lazy to walk 

twenty feet to the pool? 

MAN 

Seriously mate, I’m warning you. 

HOTEL STAFF MEMBER 

I find you nice other beds. 

WILL 

Why have a rule if you aren’t going 

to enforce it? The signs are 

redundant. 

Nearby, in the shallow end, what must be the ANGRY MAN’s WIFE 

is fishing out their towels. She’s with a young girl who is 

in a wheelchair and looks like she might have CP. NEIL is 

helping push the towels towards the mother, and picking up 

another couple. As the young girl looks at the soaking wet 

Finding Nemo towel she bursts into tears. The ANGRY MAN has 

seen this, as has WILL and the HOTEL MANAGER. SIMON has 

returned with some drinks in time to see the colour drain 

from WILL’s cheeks. 


Disabled. Course she is. 

MAN 

Happy now? 

WILL 

Well obviously not.


NEIL gets out the pool and goes to hand the towels over, but 

his Calvins are now completely see-through and the girl 

screams even more. NEIL looks round, wondering what’s up. 


And that’s not helping. 

ANGRY MAN 

You lot have got five seconds to 

get off my sunbeds. 

ALISON 

Come on Will, we’ll find somewhere 

else. 

WILL 

But I still don’t see why we should 

move. Yes his daughter has a 

serious condition but it’s not like 

the whole family are therefore 

entitled to poolside seats for 

life. Plus strictly speaking, she 

doesn’t even need another chair. 

There’s a beat as everyone in the area looks at WILL 

following his outburst. 


Okay, you’re moving. 

The moment is punctured by a child’s screaming. On the far 

side of the pool JAY has caught the tubby kid and is about to 

throw him in. The kid is crying, and everyone looks round. 

GREEK KID 

No, I no swim. No swim. Please 

mister, no swim, i beg you. 

JAY 

Well unlucky. * 

The KID really screams and suddenly JAY is aware of everyone 

looking at him. He puts the kid down, ruffling his hair. 


Alright, alright, it was a joke. 

We're mates. 

The KID smiles and then quickly nips behind JAY, pulls his 

swimming trunks down and points. Everyone laughs as JAY 

covers his minute cock. We also see a glimpse of the pubic 

hair he trimmed earlier. It’s in the shape of an arrow 

pointing down (or something). After this beat, JAY pushes the 

kid in the water, and the kid sinks. He’s fully sunk now and 

isn’t moving. People start jumping in. JAY looks awkward. 

We cut back to WILL and SIMON at the sunbeds.



Are you guests at this hotel? 

The HOTEL STAFF MEMBER whistles for security and points out 

WILL, SIMON, NEIL and JAY. The girls look on, mortified. 

Great. 

WILL 

48 EXT. MALIA STRIP - DAY 5 

48 

We pick up the boys traipsing along the daytime strip 

SIMON 

Thanks a lot Jay. 

JAY 

Me? What have I done? 

SIMON 

Oh i don’t know? Oh yeah, fucked 

everything up for me like you 

always do. 

JAY 

I had to teach him a lesson Si, he 

was mugging me off. 

SIMON 

He was nine years old and couldn’t 

swim. Now my life is ruined, 

thanks. 

JAY 

Is this about the tickets? Oh, boo 

hoo hoo. So you don’t get to go on 

the boat party, so what? 

SIMON 

So i don’t get back together with 

the woman i love. 

JAY 

Ooh, love. It’s not my fault Carli 

thinks you’re a prick. You want to 

watch me more closely mate, you 

might learn something. 

SIMON 

Oh and what would i learn? How to 

bullshit about having sex? How to 

sleep in an ants nest? How to be 

scared shitless of my dad? 

NEIL 

Come on Si, calm down.


JAY 

Maybe you’d learn not to be such a 

massive tool over that miserable 

cunt? 

SIMON 

Don’t call Carli a cunt. 

JAY slaps SIMON in the balls and then SIMON goes for him. 

There's some shoving then JAY swings at SIMON, SIMON swings 

back but they both miss, and they end up grappling each other 

on the floor, grabbing each other round the neck. It's like a * 

very slow, and very determined wrestling match, and it's more 

of an embarrassing stalemate than a fight. People are walking 

by, laughing. 

JAY 

Have you had enough yet? 

SIMON 

Have you had enough yet? 

JAY 

I asked first. 

WILL and NEIL watch this going on far too long, their 

conversation continues as JAY and SIMON grapple. 

WILL 

We should do something. 

NEIL 

Yeah. Do you wanna go get a Subway? 

WILL 

I meant do something about the 

fight. We should break it up. 

Oh right. 

NEIL 

WILL 

And by ‘we’ I mean you. 

NEIL 

Yeah. Alright, come on you two. 

SIMON (DRAGGED OFF BY WILL) 

I'm sick of his bollocks. I'm going 

to fucking do him. 

WILL (HOLDING SIMON BACK) 

Come on calm down. 

JAY makes sure he’s a safe distance from SIMON before 

speaking.


JAY 

Ooh, you're hard Si. I didn't see 

you do me just now? 

SIMON 

Come back here then you prick. 

WILL (TAKING SIMON AWAY) 

Let's go for a walk. 

JAY 

Oooh don’t cry Si. 

SIMON 

I’m not crying. You’re crying. 

JAY 

Don’t look like it. You’re crying. 

SIMON 

Come on then. 

NEIL takes JAY one way and WILL takes SIMON the other. 

NEIL 

See you later then Will. 

As they walk apart we see them separated into pairs, a lonely 

moment for the film. This is the moment the audience dread. 

49 INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - DAY 5 

49 

SIMON and WILL are back at the shitty apartment. SIMON is 

throwing clothes into his suitcase. 

SIMON 

Honestly, I'm done with that 

arsehole. I mean why do I even hang 

round with him? 

WILL 

Well, yeah, I mean, obviously we 

all wonder that at times. Look, 

it's been a tough couple of days, 

the Carli thing is weird, but just 

because you've had a fight with Jay 

you don't have to leave. 

SIMON 

I'm not leaving. 

WILL 

But you are aware you’re packing 

your suitcase? 

*


50 INT. ARCADE MALIA - DAY 5 

50 

JAY and NEIL are in the arcade playing on a boxing game. 

JAY's face is contorted as he hits the bag as hard as 

possible. It doesn't register very high on the machine. 

JAY 

I've never liked him. 

NEIL 

But you've been mates since first 

school. 

JAY 

He's a little cry-baby poof. And 

his hair? Everyone took the piss 

out of that, but I didn't. Not me. 

I fucking wish I had now. 

NEIL 

You did a bit. 

JAY 

Yeah, of course, a bit, but not 

enough. He's a total twat. 

NEIL 

Oh that's harsh mate. He can be a 

knob, but he's not a twat. 

51 INT BOYS APARTMENT - DAY 5 

51 

SIMON is zipping up his case. * 

SIMON * 

I’m going to sell my clothes. * 

WILL * 

Oh, you’re having a breakdown. * 

SIMON * 

She means so much to me Will, i 

don’t care about anything else. If 

I can get enough money together 

then I can buy a ticket for the * 

boat party off someone, somehow, * 

whatever it costs. Money is all I 

need. 

WILL 

I agree we need money, but who’s 

going to buy your clothes? You 

dress appallingly. 

SIMON 

Are you going to help or just 

constantly undermine me?


WILL 

Bit of both, I’d imagine. * 

Fine. 

SIMON 

They start walking towards the door, SIMON lugging the case. 

WILL 

Do you think Alison likes me? 

CUT TO: 

52 INT ARCADE - DAY 5 

52 

JAY 

Thirteen years he's been dragging 

me down. Well fuck him. 

As they leave the arcade JAY pulls out two large tickets. 

NEIL 

What's that? 

JAY 

Boat party tickets. I got four the 

other night before i passed out. 

Cost a fortune but I thought I'd 

surprise him. Well here’s his 

fucking surprise. 

JAY goes to tear up the tickets. 

NEIL 

No, Jay, don't. 

JAY 

Fuck him and fuck that dick Will 

too. 

JAY tears up two tickets into tiny pieces and scatters them 

to the wind. He's almost got tears in his eyes, and he and 

NEIL watch them blow away down the strip. There’s a BEAT. 

NEIL 

What shall we do now then? 

JAY 

Now we have the best holiday ever 

and do what we came here to do. 

NEIL 

Get better at swimming?


JAY 

No. Go on pussssaaay patrol. 

CUT TO: 

53 EXT. MALIA STREET - DAY 5 

53 

SIMON and WILL are standing in the street, it's very hot. 

Laid out in front of them on the ground are a selection of 

SIMON's clothes and shoes. People are walking up and down it, 

casting curious glances, but no-one is stopping to buy. SIMON * 

is fussing about with the clothes, making the scene even * 

weirder. * 

SIMON * 

Do i look mental? * 

WILL * 

Oh you? Yeah you look mental, one * 

hundred percent mental. * 

A group of hard looking men approach, all muscles, tattoos * 

and shaved heads, slightly the worse for drink. They look 

like squaddies who wouldn’t fit in any of SIMON’s clothes. 

HARD BLOKE 

Alright, what’s all this then? 

What are you, a pikey? A beggar? 

His mates all laugh. 

SIMON 

Ha, no, just selling clothes for 

money. Need money really. 

The HARD BLOKE gets out a huge roll of bills. 

HARD BLOKE 

What money like this? You're 

desperate for money like this? 

SIMON 

Um, yep, I am. 

WILL 

I'm not sure any of these clothes 

are your size, maybe you should try 

somewhere else? Another beggar? 

SIMON 

Shut up Will. 

WILL 

I'm just saying we operate a no 

returns policy.


HARD BLOKE 

Tell your boyfriend I'll take 

everything for fifty euros. 

SIMON 

Um, yeah, great, alright. 

SIMON eagerly starts to pack up the clothes on the floor. He 

starts handing them to the Hard Bloke. The Hard Bloke 

indicates the shirt SIMON has on. 

HARD BLOKE 

And your t-shirt. 

What? 

SIMON 

HARD BLOKE 

I want that t-shirt. And your 

shorts. 

SIMON 

Oh, well, what i’m wearing isn’t 

really for sale. 

HARD BLOKE 

I thought we had a deal? Everything 

for fifty euros. 

SIMON 

Yeah, but then I'll have no clothes 

on. 

HARD BLOKE 

He's fucking sharp this one isn't 

he? There's no fooling this tosser 

is there? Take them off. 

His mates laugh. SIMON reluctantly takes his t-shirt and 

shorts off, and stands there with just his pants on. 

HARD BLOKE (CONT’D) 

And I'll take the pants too. 

SIMON 

Ha, good one. 

HARD BLOKE 

Are you taking the piss? We agreed 

everything, now i fucking want 

everything. 

WILL 

Look, I know all about beasting and 

Deepcut and toilet brushes up the 

anus and everything like that, so 

please just promise you're not 

going to rape him.


HARD BLOKE 

Are you calling me queer? 

WILL 

Good enough. Simon, give him your 

pants. 

SIMON looks around and takes his pants off and hands them 

over. The HARD BLOKE takes them, then pisses himself 

laughing, as do all his mates. 

HARD BLOKE 

Oh, one last thing. 

What? 

SIMON 

HARD BLOKE 

Lend us fifty euros. Cheers mate. 

He snatches the money out of SIMON's hand, and walks off 

leaving SIMON with nothing but shoes and socks on. 

WILL 

At least he didn't rape you. 

SIMON 

Yes. I feel very lucky. 

CUT TO: 

54 INT. TATTOO PARLOUR, MALIA - DAY 5 

54 

NEIL is sitting in tattooist chair, whilst a Greek tattooist 

is busy on his back. JAY and NEIL both have beers on the go, 

JAY is sitting facing NEIL (so he can't see what's going on). 

TATTOOISTS 

Nearly finish. 

JAY 

Does it hurt? 

NEIL 

Yeah. It’s like stubbing your toe 

really badly, for ages, on a 

massive needle. 

JAY 

Be worth it though, what could be 

cooler than getting our names 

tattooed on each other? 

NEIL 

So we’re like blood brothers?


JAY 

Exactly. Plus we’ll always have a 

reminder of how we had the best 

holiday ever with out those two 

dicks. 

TATTOOIST 

Finish. You like? 

He shows NEIL in the mirror. It says Gay Neil Malia 

Oh what? 

NEIL 

JAY 

Fucking hell, gay Neil? 

TATTOOIST 

No, is Jay. 

NEIL 

That says gay mate. 

TATTOOIST 

No, is ‘Jay’. Look. 

He writes Jay on a bit of paper. His Js look exactly like Gs. 

NEIL 

Oh mate. How long before it wears 

off then? 

TATTOOIST 

Is forever. 

NEIL 

Oh no. Your turn then Jay. 

Fuck off. 

JAY 

NEIL 

But I thought we were blood 

brothers? 

JAY 

We are, but i am not getting Gay 

Neil tattooed on my back. Look, 

when we get back to England I'll 

chip in to get it changed. 

NEIL 

To a tiger? 

JAY 

If you want. Come on.


55 EXT. MALIA STREET - EVENING 5 

55 

WILL and SIMON are walking down the road looking morose. 

They are attracting quite a few stares and laughs because 

SIMON is wearing WILL's t-shirt as a pair of shorts and WILL 

has no top on, thus showing off his spunking cock sunburn. 

It's early, so it's not that busy, with the exception of one 

noisy bar where a large crowd has gathered. 

WILL 

Oh good a crowd of people, i hope 

they spot us looking like this. 

SIMON 

Nothing they say can make me feel 

worse. 

WILL 

Well, we’ll see won’t we. 

But as they walk past the crowd no-one turns round or takes 

the piss at all. No-one even looks their way. 


Hmm, interesting. 

They walk to the edge of the crowd and look into the bar. A 

man is standing on the table with his shirt off and a tie 

tied round his head. He has a yard of ale in each hand. He's 

massive, it's MR GILBERT. On his enormous torso is written 

'Stags Malia 2011'. The crowd are chanting as he downs the 

the first yard and then the second in quick succession. He 

lifts his hands triumphantly to acknowledge the cheers. SIMON 

and WILL look at each other scared and impressed. 

WILL (EXCITEDLY SHOUTING OUT) (CONT’D) 

Mr Gilbert! Mr Gilbert! Phil! 

GILBERT is taking the cheers, laughing, then he clocks the 

boys. He makes eye contact, puts a finger to his lips in the 

universal 'shush' sign. WILL and SIMON laugh and start to 

approach, then GILBERT wags his finger at them before drawing 

his finger across his throat. WILL and SIMON look a bit 

disturbed. GILBERT repeats the throat cut and they leg it. 

GILBERT goes back to accepting the cheers. 


He’s very different out of school. 

56 INT. BUSY SUPER CLUB MALIA - NIGHT 5 

56 

NEIL and JAY are all dressed up in their pussy patrol tshirts 

in a large club (they’ve also got a checked shirt and 

a hoodie with them). On the podiums there are sexy dancers 

writhing around, people drinking, dancing on the bars etc.


It's crazy, like the strip forced into a bar, and they are a 

little bit out of their depth as they walk through. 

NEIL 

This place is mental. 

JAY 

It's decadent Neil, that's what 

they call it. This is what we came 

here for. You'd never see those 

other two muppets in a place like 

this, they'd shit their pants and 

run away. 

As they settle by one of the podium the lights change and a 

guy steps in to the spotlight on the top of the podium. 

ANNOUNCER (OOV) 

And now all the way from Privilege 

in Ibiza, we have a very very 

special act. 

JAY 

Probably some fit dancer who'll 

take one look at me and bang me all 

night. 

NEIL 

Yeah, and we've got the best view. 

I bet you'll be able to see right 

up the snatch from here. 

JAY 

This is it Neil, this is a fucking 

holiday. 

The crowd start to cheer as a guy gets on the podium. He's 

very muscley and flexible and well-oiled. 

ANNOUNCER 

Ladies and gentlemen welcome 

‘Fernando’. 

JAY 

Alright, well must be a like 

cagefighter or martial arts thing. 

NEIL nods happily. The crowd are going mental as the bloke is 

flexing and stretching, and the boys are trying to seem as 

enthusiastic. The guy gets on his back, then he pulls down 

his (already quite small) shorts and NEIL and JAY get a very 

good view of his arsehole. 

Wooh. 

NEIL 

The guy then starts to suck his own cock to huge cheers from 

the audience.


BEAT 


Is this a bit gay? 

JAY 

Nah, it's decadent. 

NEIL 

I don't know if I like decadent 

things. 

57 EXT. BEACH WALL - NIGHT 5 

57 

SIMON and WILL are sitting on the beach wall along a quiet 

stretch of the promenade having changed. SIMON obviously 

wearing NEIL’s white top and trousers. WILL offers an almost 

empty packet of TUC crackers to SIMON. 

WILL 

Last two, shall we pretend they’re 

pudding? 

BEAT * 

SIMON 

I think this might be the worst 

holiday ever. 

Then a figure appears out the darkness next to them. 

RICHARD 

Alright fellas. Romantic dinner is 

it, yeah? I’ve just had a mare, 

right. Some massive bodybuilding 

geezer came running at me out the 

bushes, god knows why. Anyway I've 

lamped him, he's gone flying and I 

think I might have killed him. 

SIMON 

God, should we call an ambulance? 

RICHARD 

Nah, leave it. I can do without the 

fuzz crawling down my neck. 

WILL 

Ok, well it’s been lovely to chat 

Richard. 

RICHARD 

Can you lend us fifty quid? 

Um, no. 

WILL


RICHARD 

Simple and clear. Thirty? 

WILL 

No, we’re going. 

SIMON 

Are we? Where? 

WILL 

Bar I know. See you later Richard. * 

WILL and SIMON get up and make a sharp exit sharp exit, * 

leaving RICHARD standing and shouting after them * 

RICHARD * 

Ten? Ten? Ten? Ten? Ten? Ten? * 

58 INT. SUPERCLUB - NIGHT 5 

58 

NEIL and JAY are at the bar. JAY spots JAMES and his mates 

who are being boisterous nearby. Beer is getting chucked 

everywhere, a few other clubbers look a bit pissed off at 

getting sprayed. It looks a laugh, and they are clearly the 

alpha males in the club. 

JAY 

Here look, that's that James bloke 

Carli's sucking off. 

Oh yeah. 

NEIL 

JAY 

See, that's a proper laugh. Neil, 

I think it's time the pussy patrol 

recruited some new members. 

JAY leads NEIL over to JAMES and his gang. 


Alright mate. 

JAMES looks suspiciously at JAY, taking in his Pussy Patrol t- 

shirt. 

JAMES 

Do I know you? 

JAY 

Yeah, we're mates of Carli's. 

JAMES 

Oh yeah, Carli-cling-on. Nice girl, 

bit keen.


JAY 

Yeah, our mate’s in love with her 

the fucking dick. 

JAMES 

Is he? Well tell him if he’s lucky 

i might let him have a sniff of 

these then. 

JAMES raises his fingers on his right hand, his mates laugh. 

NEIL leans in, surreptitiously, and flares his nostrils. 

JAY 

He’s not really a mate, we ditched 

him, he's too tragic. Wicked place 

this, nice vibe. 

JAMES 

What, you think a bloke sucking his 

own cock is wicked? Are you bent? 

JAMES is showing off to his mates now, who laugh again. 

JAY 

Nah. Course not, we're the pussy 

patrol. 

JAMES 

Pussy patrol? More like the 

bumming brigade. The only pussy 

you'll get will be a cat. 

He laughs, and his mates don’t so he tries to gee them up 

into laughing more. 

JAMES (CONT’D) 

Oi, i said the only pussy they'll 

get will be a cat. Like them stray 

cats you get round here. 

Good one. 

NEIL 

JAMES 

Fuck you, you lanky prick. You two 

are fucking me off, now get out of 

my face. 

JAY 

Nah, come on, we're having a laugh, 

we're alright here. 

JAMES (GRABBING JAY BY THE NECK) 

You're not fucking alright 

anywhere, you scrawny little cunt. 

Now fuck off before I put a glass 

in your throat.


JAY scampers off and NEIL follows him. 

BEAT 

NEIL 

Are you alright Jay? 

Yep. 

NEIL 

Are you crying? 

JAY (ALMOST CRYING) 

JAY 

No. It's the smoke in here. 

NEIL 

There isn't any. 

JAY 

That's what I mean. 

NEIL 

Do you want to go somewhere not 

decadent? 

CUT TO: 

59 INT. MARCOS - NIGHT 5 

59 

It's still shit and empty, WILL and SIMON are at the bar. 

they both down a shot. 

WILL 

And that's it. That Jagermeister 

and those TUC biscuits represented * 

the absolute last of our money. 

SIMON 

Right, so what happens now? It’s 

probably a bit too far for my dad 

to come and pick us up. 

JAY and NEIL walk down the stairs, JAY goes to leave after he 

spots SIMON, but NEIL leads him in. 

Oh great. 

SIMON (CONT'D) 

WILL 

Be nice, maybe he's come to 

apologise? 

Alright? 

NEIL


SIMON 

We’re just leaving actually. 

SIMON starts to move off. 

BEAT 

JAY 

Oh, don't cry Simon. 

SIMON 

I'm not crying. 

NEIL 

Nah Jay, it was you was crying, 

remember? 

Neil. 

JAY 

NEIL 

Come on Si, sit down and let's all 

share a fishbowl. 

WILL 

We're totally out of cash. 

SIMON 

Yeah, we're not all lucky enough to 

have had a relative die. 

JAY 

Well you’re clearly fucked without * 

me, so I was going to offer to pay 

for your drinks. But if you're 

going to be a baby, then fuck it. 

WILL 

Were you really? 

JAY 

I'm not arsed either way, but if i 

have to, yeah. 

Si? 

WILL 

SIMON 

Alright. Thank you Jay. 

Shake? 

WILL 

SIMON and JAY shake hands. 

NEIL 

Group hug?


They all have a big hug in the bar. WILL looks at his hand. 

WILL 

Neil, are you bleeding? 

60 INT. MARCOS - NIGHT 5 

60 

The bar is still empty, but the four boys are all enjoying 

themselves now and having a laugh. 

JAY 

Go on Neil, one more suicide shot. 

NEIL 

Fucking hell. 

NEIL gets a tequila shot, snorts the salt off his hand, 

drinks the tequila and then squeezes the lime into his eye. 


Aaargh. Right, tenner please. 

JAY 

Had my fingers crossed mate. 

NEIL 

Oh, not again. 

The others laugh, NEIL is squinting badly. Just then LUCY, 

ALISON, LISA and JANE walk in and are coming over. 

WILL 

Oh my god, I never expected to see 

them again. 

SIMON 

Doesn’t matter though does it cos 

even if Lucy can get a boat party * 

ticket, i can’t afford one. 

WILL 

No, but incredible as it may seem 

Simon i wasn’t thinking about you. 

JANE 

Hi guys. Taking a break from 

drowning children? 

WILL 

We are, and welcome back to Malia’s 

least cool bar. We’re regulars, 

obviously, but surprised to see you 

here again.


ALISON 

It's the only place we've been 

where the blokes weren't total 

animals. 

WILL 

I'll take that as a compliment. 

Hello by the way. 

ALISON 

Hello spectacles. 

JANE 

We're still going to get shitfaced 

though. Shots only. You man enough 

Jaybo? 

Course. 

JAY 

JANE 

I thought you would be. 

TIME JUMP: * 

We cut to a close up of eight shot glasses lined up on the * 

bar, sloppily being filled with tequila. * 

We cut to a wide shot of the gang, who have now paired off, * 

all knocking them back. * 

We cut to WILL and ALISON slamming their empty glasses down. * 

WILL * 

So I've been thinking. About us. * 

ALISON * 

The four of you? * 

WILL * 

No, me and you. * 

ALISON * 

Well there's no 'us' so must have * 

been a weird thought process, but * 

go on. * 

WILL * 

I’m not sure Nicos is right for * 

you. * 

ALISON * 

Interesting. Why wouldn’t my sexy, * 

charming, sensitive boyfriend who * 

is also a sensational lover be * 

right for me? *


WILL * 

You’d say sensational would you? * 

ALISON laughs. We cut to SIMON and LUCY. * 

LUCY * 

It was nice of Richard Branson to * 

lend you an outfit. * 

SIMON * 

It’s Neil’s. Is it that bad? * 

LUCY * 

Oh yes, it might be the worst * 

outfit I’ve ever seen. * 

SIMON * 

Right, i suppose there’s only one * 

thing for it then. We’re going to * 

say fuckit and do shots ‘til one of * 

us is sick through our nose. My * 

money’s on me. Four monkey brains * 

please. * 

LUCY smiles at SIMON. * 

LUCY * 

I like this Simon, he’s fun. Thanks * 

very much. Cheers. * 

SIMON * 

Cheers. Oh, actually can you pay? * 

We cut to JAY and JANE. * 

JANE * 

Right, next. * 

JAY * 

Nah, I can't do another one. * 

JANE * 

Oh, sorry I didn't realise you were * 

a lightweight. * 

JAY * 

A what? * 

JANE * 

Lightweight, lightweight. * 

JAY * 

You're one to talk about * 

lightweights. * 

JANE * 

What do you mean? Oh, cos i’m fat? *


JAY * 

No. What I mean, Jane, is that I'm * 

going to drink you under the table. * 

JANE * 

You're trouble aren't you? * 

JAY giggles, and they down one more and then another. * 

We cut to LISA standing at the bar alone, holding two full * 

shot glasses. She looks round for NEIL but cannot find him. * 

Back with WILL and ALISON who are just knocking back their * 

next shot. * 

ALISON * 

You’re funny, that’s why you don’t * 

need to worry about getting laid. * 

WILL * 

Erm, did I say I was worried? * 

ALISON * 

No, but it’s obvious you are. And * 

you think somehow i’m the answer. * 

I’m not, and you’ll be fine. * 

WILL * 

I think you might be though. * 

ALISON * 

Nonsense. In fact i’m so confident * 

i’ll make a pact with you - if you * 

still haven't had sex by this time * 

next year, I'll shag you/ i will * 

have sex with you. Only if I'm not * 

with Nicos of course. * 

WILL * 

Of course. Um, this is a joke, * 

right? * 

ALISON holds out her hand for WILL to shake. * 

WILL (CONT’D) * 

A handshake is good, but is it * 

possible to get it in writing? * 

ALISON laughs, WILL sort of does. * 

ALISON * 

See, funny? * 

WILL * 

Yes. Aha-ha. Hmm. * 

Just then LISA walks past looking a little down. *


ALISON * 

Are you okay Lisa? Where’s Neil? * 

LISA points towards the far dance floor. Everyone looks where * 

she’s pointing and they see NEIL with a large middle-aged * 

woman. He's got her skirt hitched up round her and one hand 

in her pants. His head is in between her ample bosoms and he 

is ‘speedboating’. NEIL comes up for a breath and smiles. * 

LISA looks a bit sad. 

Oh. 

LISA 

WILL 

He is literally incredible. 

JANE walks over. * 

JANE * 

Come on Lis, we’re getting out of 

here, let’s all go for a swim. Come * 

on you. * 

They all down their tequila. JANE leads LISA away to the * 

exit, with a grinning JAY following. 

SIMON hasn’t moved, LUCY turns to him. * 

LUCY * 

You coming swimming? * 

SIMON 

Oh I can't, because I haven't 

bought my swimming costume. 

LUCY 

Oh no, I haven't bought mine 

either. 

SIMON 

Oh right. So what are you going to 

do? 

LUCY 

Well, I'm going to go in naked. 

You? 

SIMON (SWALLOWING HARD) 

Oh, right me too. Totally naked. * 

They head out the bar. 

WILL * 

Are they really going skinny * 

dipping? * 

ALISON 

If i know Jane, probably yes. *


WILL 

Really? Fucking hell, really? 

Yep. 

ALISON 

WILL 

And what about you? 

ALISON (LOOKS AT HER WATCH) 

Well I'm meeting Nicos in half an * 

hour. 

WILL 

Of course. 

ALISON 

So I reckon I've got time for a 

quick dip. 

WILL grins as he downs his drink and heads out with Alison. 

61 EXT. MALIA BEACH - NIGHT 5 

61 

SIMON and LUCY are slightly ahead of the others, and she 

starts getting undressed straight away. She stops when she 

sees that SIMON isn't, and is sort of looking awkward. 

LUCY 

Come on, what you doing? Get it 

off. 

SIMON 

Um, no, yes, good, I will. 

LUCY 

Go on then. 

SIMON 

All in good time. 

LUCY 

I'll look away if you like? 

SIMON 

Yes, that would be nice, thank you. 

LUCY 

Okay, so I'm looking away now. 

LUCY turns her back and SIMON very quickly strips naked and 

runs into the sea. We see, but SIMON doesn't, that she's 

stolen a quick look. LUCY then strips to her bra and pants 

and runs in after him. 

CUT TO:


62 EXT. MALIA BEACH - NIGHT 5 

62 

It's quite dark as LISA, JANE and JAY are all running down to 

the waterfront. LISA strips down first and runs in. JAY and 

JANE are laughing, and a bit behind, almost next to the 

promenade. JANE is in her bra and pants, JAY’s in a t-shirt. 

JANE 

Come on JAY, don't be shy. I’ll 

take it all off if you will. 

JAY 

Um, alright. Give me a minute. 

JANE 

Are you scared you won't be able to 

control yourself? 

JAY looks around a bit. Above them, behind her, he can see a 

group of lads laughing and pointing. Maybe the word ‘whale’ 

drifts over. JANE’s aware of this but seemingly fine with it. 


Oh go on, i can’t take it any more, 

give us a snog. 

JAY 

Um, alright, but let’s go somewhere 

secret. 

JANE 

Secret? Just give us a snog here. 

JAY 

Nah, let’s go somewhere people 

can’t see us, okay? 

JANE looks over her shoulder at the laughing lads, then back 

at JAY. She looks disappointed. 

JANE 

Actually forget it. I’ve seen what 

you’re packing and i hope it’s a 

grower because it’s definitely not 

a show-er. 

She strips off her bra and pants as she runs down to the 

beach and splashes in. JAY stands there looking sad, then 

puts on his trousers and walks back up the beach. 

63 EXT. BEACH - NIGHT 5 

63 

WILL and ALISON are way behind everyone, wandering down the 

beach, shoes in hands.


WILL 

...all I'm saying is that, 

logically, we might not have to 

wait a year to have sex. 

ALISON 

Oh really? 

WILL 

Yes. I mean once you remove Nicos 

from the equation and think, as i 

say, logically it really makes no 

sense to wait that long. 

ALISON 

Do you find your logic talks a lot 

of women into bed? 

Well, no. 

WILL 

ALISON 

I’m just curious to know whether 

this kind of relentless, pedantic 

chat is a big hit with other 

chicks? 

WILL 

Well, obviously it isn't. 

ALISON 

Thought not. 

ALISON comes to a stop, in a darker area by some stacked up 

sunbeds. They are clearly away from the others, and we can 

hear distant splashing around. 

They stand in front of each other, neither of them saying 

anything. ALISON is staring straight at WILL. WILL finds the 

silence unbearable and kind of coughs and moves his foot in 

the sand. She keeps staring at him. 

BEAT 


What are you waiting for? 

WILL 

Erm, I don't know. 

Okay. 

ALISON 

There's a beat and then ALISON takes off her dress, then her 

underwear and stands totally naked in front of WILL. There's 

another beat where WILL doesn't move, but just takes in 

what's before him.


ALISON (CONT'D) 

Take your clothes off. 

WILL does so, and stands dry mouthed in front of her. They 

are standing there in the darkness, but you can see that she 

has a pretty fantastic body. WILL swallows hard. ALISON 

takes off his glasses, tosses them away, and then moves his 

hand very slowly onto her naked breast. It rests there for a 

moment, and both of them stand very still. WILL starts to 

say something and then ALISON laughs and jumps back, snapping 

us (and them) totally out of the moment. 


That's it til next year I'm afraid. 

This is shouted over her shoulder as she runs naked into the 

sea. WILL watches her with a very broad smile. 

WILL (SHOUTED, BUT SMILING) 

I've lost my glasses. My glasses! 

He pops his boxers back on and starts to look for his glasses 

in the sand, on his hands and knees but smiling. 

CUT TO: 

64 EXT. BEACH / SEA - NIGHT 5 

64 

LUCY and SIMON are splashing around with each other, JANE and 

LISA are nearby. Everyone is drunk and laughing. 

SIMON 

Hey, how come i’m naked but you’ve 

got your underwear on? 

LUCY 

That’s how i like it. My rules for * 

once. * 

LUCY splashes SIMON flirtatiously. 

SIMON 

Oh that's right. Let's get Simon's 

hair wet shall we. 

LUCY 

It always looks wet anyway, gel 

boy. 

SIMON 

Right, how’s this for a wet look 

then? 

SIMON creates a huge splashing wave with his forearm 

completely soaking LUCY. He's classically taken it too far, 

and she chokes a bit.


She dries her face and spits a bit of water. But then she 

smiles, and she looks amazing and like she wants to be 

kissed, and even SIMON can see this and they are staring at 

each other. Then SIMON spots something on the shoreline. It's 

CARLI walking along the beach alone. 

SIMON (CONT'D) (PRACTICALLY SCREAMING) 

CARLI! CARLI! Over here! 

SIMON rushes over, hand over his cock. She sees him, he has 

stops abruptly, then backs in to where it’s waist deep. 

CARLI 

Simon, what are you doing in there? 

SIMON 

Um swimming naked. Why don't you 

come in? 

CARLI 

Oh, no. I’ve had a shitty night, 

I'm heading back. Sorry, why are 

you swimming naked? 

SIMON 

I don’t know! I’m on bloody 

holiday? Maybe it’s a new me. 

CARLI 

Oh. I liked the old you. 

Hmm. 

SIMON 

LUCY is watching and can hear everything that is going on. 

65 EXT. BEACH NIGHT - NIGHT 5 

65 

WILL is wandering around in the dark, practically blind, 

looking for his glasses. We can hear ALISON splashing about 

in the water. 

ALISON 

Come on Will, it feels amazing. 

WILL 

Just getting my glasses. 

ALISON 

You're not wussing out on me are 

you? 

WILL 

No. As soon as I'm not blind I'll 

be right over with you and the 

other naked ladies.


ALISON 

Hurry up or I'm getting out. 

WILL (TO HIMSELF) 

Jesus christ come on, where are 

they. 

WILL blindly trips over the corner of a pile of stacked sun 

loungers and falls flat on his face. We pull wide and see 

that he's fallen into a couple who are having sex on the 

beach next to the loungers. The woman screams. 

DONNA 

What the fuck are you doing? * 

WILL 

I'm so sorry, I tripped. I've lost 

my glasses. 

NICOS 

You got a big problem mister, big 

fucking problem. 

(Followed by some Greek cursing) 

WILL 

Oh god, i’m really sorry. I didn't 

know you were down there, doing 

that. 

DONNA 

Is this how you get your kicks you 

pervert? 

The Greek guy is still cursing aggressively in Greek, and has 

started pushing WILL against the stacked sunbeds. 

WILL 

Help. Sorry mate. Help me. 

ALISON has rushed over to see what's going on, wrapping her 

dress round her. She stops when she recognises that the man 

is NICOS. 

Nicos? 

ALISON 

NICOS 

Alison, what are you doing? 

DONNA 

How does she know your fucking name 

Nicos? 

NICOS 

Donna, I just need you to be a 

little bit quiet for five minutes 

please.


ALISON 

Who the fuck is that? 

NICOS 

Come and sit down Alison, I want to 

talk to you. 

ALISON 

We're supposed to be meeting up in 

fifteen minutes, you utter, utter 

scum bag. 

WILL 

Glasses? Glasses? oh there they 

are. 

NICOS 

Ali baby, I love you so much. You 

are the only girl for me. 

WILL * 

Now where have i heard that before? * 

ALISON 

Shut up Will. 

NICOS 

Baby, you know this weirdo? 

ALISON 

I am not your fucking baby. 

ALISON turns and storms down the beach. DONNA has gathered 

her things and is heading the other direction. WILL is trying 

not to engage NICOS, and starts after ALISON. 

WILL 

Alison, wait, I'll come with you. 

ALISON (CALLING BACK) 

I want to be on my own. 

WILL 

You're not expecting me to hit him * 

or anything are you? 

No. 

Good. 

ALISON 

WILL 

ALISON 

I don't expect anything from anyone 

but disappointment. 

WILL 

You'll love me then.


As she runs off up the beach, she shouts back. 

ALISON 

And i'll never, ever have sex with 

anyone again as long as I live. 

And certainly not with you. Just 

fuck off, all of you fuck off. 

WILL 

Does this affect our deal? 

But ALISON is gone. WILL turns and as he does is floored by a 

punch to the solar plexus from NICOS, who walks off. 

CUT TO: 

66 EXT. BEACH - NIGHT 5 

66 

CARLI is standing in the water up to her calves. SIMON is in 

just over his waist, covering his pubes. LUCY can hear them. 

CARLI 

Are you swimming on your own? 

SIMON 

Me? No, I'm with Lucy and a few 

others. Will’s around somewhere. 

CARLI 

Lucy? Who’s Lucy? 

SIMON 

Oh, she’s nobody. Nobody important. 

We met these girls and they keep 

asking us to do stuff with them. 

CARLI 

Oh right, like skinny dipping? 

Yeah. 

SIMON 

CARLI 

Okay, well i’m off to bed now. 

SIMON 

Can i come? 

CARLI 

To bed? No. 

SIMON 

No, sure. I’m all wet anyway so...


CARLI 

Look i’m knackered, but i’ll see 

you at the boat party and we can 

catch up properly there. 

SIMON (KNOWING HE WON’T) 

Yeah, course. I’ll definitely be 

on that boat. 

CARLI 

Great. See ya. 

SIMON 

I miss you too. 

What? 

CARLI 

SIMON 

You said it the other night. 

CARLI 

Oh yeah. Have fun swimming with 

‘nobody’. 

CARLI walks off and SIMON waves after her, then turns and 

heads back to where he was playing around with LUCY, but LUCY 

is out the water and is getting dressed. 

SIMON 

Are you getting out? 

Yes. 

LUCY 

SIMON 

That was Carli, did you see her? 

LUCY 

Yeah, it was dark but I saw her. 

SIMON 

Isn't she beautiful? 

LUCY 

Yes, she's very beautiful. I'm 

going now. 

Oh, okay. 

SIMON 

LUCY walks off. LISA and JANE are out of the water, calling * 

after ALISON further down the beach, but she's already gone. 

SIMON is left in the water alone.


67 EXT. STREET MALIA - NIGHT 5 

67 

SIMON walks up the beach to find WILL and JAY sitting on the 

beach wall, not saying anything. 

Alright? 

SIMON 

JAY 

Not really. Was that you-know-who I 

saw you talking to? 

SIMON 

Good luck finding my balls to slap. 

It was so cold in there I think 

they’ve permanently gone back 

inside. 

WILL 

And what happened to Lucy? 

SIMON 

She just went, it was weird. 

WILL 

If it makes you feel better Alison 

ran off in tears. 

JAY 

After she saw you naked? 

WILL 

Something like that. 

SIMON 

Let’s go back. We’re cold, we’ve 

been dumped, it’s just us. We might 

as well have stayed at home. 

JAY 

I’ve got 20 euros for a cab. 

WILL 

Is it the ...? 

Yep. 

JAY 

WILL 

I’ll walk thanks. 

The three boys walk off in silence, a silence that should be 

poignant because it makes us realise how much they talk the 

rest of the time. Behind them NEIL comes laughing out of a 

club with a fat German lady grabbing his balls and laughing.


GERMAN LADY 

Ich wunsche ihren chubby hahn innen 

mein arschloch 

NEIL is sort of ignoring her as he sees the other three 

walking away. He looks concerned. 

NEIL 

Nah, better not, not tonight. 

He jogs off after the boys. We see the four of them walk off. 

68 EXT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 5 

68 

WILL is out by the pool, staring at the green disgustingness. 

HARD STEVE is sitting on the other side of the pool in a pair 

of speedos, despite it being past midnight, and gives WILL 

the thumbs up as he nails another can of lager, crushes it on 

his head, and then dumps it in a pile of empties next to him. 

He proffers WILL a can, WILL shakes his head. 

In the background we see NEIL heading over to WILL. 

Alright? 

NEIL 

WILL 

I’ve been better. * 

NEIL 

What you doing? 

WILL 

I'm thinking. 

NEIL 

About how shit the holiday is? 

WILL 

Partly that and partly I'm thinking 

about putting stones in my pockets 

and chucking myself in the pool. 

NEIL 

I wouldn't swim in that, it's rank. 

Right. 

WILL 

NEIL 

Also if you put stones in your 

pockets you'll sink. Better to not 

have stones really. 

WILL 

I'll bear that in mind Neil. *


BEAT 

BEAT 

NEIL 

I stopped believing in God when I 

realised it was just dog backwards. 

What? 

WILL 

NEIL 

If you think about it, g-o-d, d-og, 

it's like an anagram but a 

backwards one. 

Right. 

WILL 

NEIL 

And then, after that, I stopped 

worrying about stuff. You only get 

one go round I reckon, when you're 

dead you're dead, so you can spend 

your time thinking about how things 

haven't gone perfect, or you can 

just get on with it, have a laugh 

and that. That's what I do, I'm 

pretty happy. 

WILL 

You are, aren't you? 

Yep. 

NEIL 

WILL 

Thanks Neil, thanks for that. 

NEIL 

Just remember it's d-o-g backwards. 

WILL 

No, not that, no offence but that's 

moronic. I mean thanks for coming 

to cheer me up. 

NEIL 

Oh, I didn't come to cheer you up, 

I came to say I did a shit in the 

children's toilet and I can't get 

rid of it. 

Oh god. 

WILL


69 INT APARTMENT, BY THE BATHROOM - NIGHT 5 

69 

WILL and NEIL come in to find SIMON and JAY standing at the 

threshold of the bathroom, holding their shirts over their 

mouths and retching. 

JAY 

What the fuck has gone into that 

Neil? Have you been eating teargas? 

NEIL 

Nah, it's just a bit beery. 

NEIL takes a big sniff. 


And that meatiness is probably the 

kebabs. 

WILL * 

(ushering the others out) 

Right, that’s it, we are going now. * 

Neil you were right, it may not be 

paradise but we can at least try 

and enjoy this place for exactly 

what it is. 

SIMON 

A shithole? 

WILL 

Yes, but it’s our shithole, so 

let’s get out there and get royally 

fucked up on Jay’s dead grandad’s 

money. 

JAY 

It’s what he would have wanted. 

As they start walking out. * 

SIMON * 

If we get fined fifty Euros Neil, * 

you’re paying it. * 

NEIL * 

But it’s not on the floor. * 

SIMON * 

It’s worse than on the floor. *


70 MONTAGE, MALIA STRIP - NIGHT 5 

70 * 

70 pt1 EXT. STRIP - NIGHT 5 

70 pt1 

Snapshots of the boys going from bar to bar on the strip, 

having as much fun, if not more, than everyone else. We see: 

70 pt2 INT. BAR - NIGHT 5 

70 pt2 

The boys doing green tequila slammers at a busy bar, then 

immediately sucking on fishbowl straws with their heads a 

little too close together. 

CUT TO: 


70 pt3 

WILL and NEIL on podiums swinging around, doing ironic sexy 

dancing while JAY and SIMON cheer them on. No one else in the 

club seems to be enjoying this. 

CUT TO: 


70 pt4 

At another bar now and JAY and SIMON are downing pints whilst 

there is lit toilet paper between their arses. 

CUT TO: 


70 pt5 

On another club dancefloor the boys are pointing and laughing 

at a little person in a Man United shirt who looks like a 

tiny Wayne Rooney. The little person is obviously playing up 

to this. Neil then goes over to him and tries to pick him up. 

Tiny Rooney flails around angrily in NEIL’s arms and 

eventually NEIL has to put him down and apologise while the * 

little person punches him and the others look on laughing. 

CUT TO: 

70 pt6 EXT. STRIP - NIGHT 5 

70 pt6 

The boys spill out of one bar and see a passed out reveller, 

quite a big bloke, lying on the side of the road. JAY gets 

NEIL to take a picture of him standing astride the drunk with 

his arm aloft, as if he’s knocked him out. As the boys laugh 

the drunk stirs slightly and JAY jumps back quickly runs off. 

The others laugh as they head into another bar. 

CUT TO:



70 pt7 

We see WILL sucking a straw from a fishbowl. The camera spins 

round and we reveal he’s upside down, sucking the straw, with 

SIMON and JAY holding his feet. He looks queasy at best. 

CUT TO: 

71 EXT. MALIA STRIP - NIGHT 5 

71 

WILL is doubled over at the side of the road spewing, while 

NEIL, JAY and SIMON look on laughing and eating huge Subway 

sandwiches. 

SIMON 

Is this normal enough for you? 

WILL (AS HE RETCHES) 

Probably a bit too normal. 

72 EXT. BOYS APARTMENT COMPLEX ENTRANCE - NIGHT 5 

72 

NEIL is pissing against the apartment complex. WILL is at the 

side of the well spewing up again. JAY and SIMON look on. 

SIMON 

I’m almost going to miss him when 

i’m at uni. 

JAY 

When he’s at uni you mean. 

SIMON 

Yeah, but i’ll be at uni too. 

JAY 

Will ya? What this year? 

SIMON 

In a few weeks. i told you about 

it. 

JAY 

Oh what, just cos Will’s going? 

SIMON 

No, cos i want to. 

JAY 

Well, what about me? 

What? 

SIMON 

JAY 

Well, what am i going to do?


BEAT 

SIMON 

Um, i dunno, i mean, i thought you 

knew i was going to uni? 

JAY 

Yeah, course, no, but i mean i was 

going to use my grandad’s money to 

set us up in business. Selling car 

stereos to premier league 

footballers? Neil was gonna work in 

the depot, but me and you and Rio * 

Ferdinand are sales, having a laugh * 

an that. 

SIMON 

Oh right. I’m going to do 

sociology. 

JAY 

Fuck. I’m sorry i ripped them 

tickets up now. We could have had a 

bit of a send off. 

SIMON 

What tickets? 

JAY 

Boat party ones. I got them when i 

was pissed the other night, thought 

i’d surprise you, cost me a 

fortune. Oh well. 

SIMON 

You what? You tore them up? 

Yeah. 

JAY 

SIMON 

After we had the fight? 

JAY 

Yeah, cos i was angry you had a go 

and that. 

SIMON 

Yeah, no, makes sense. 

WILL slumps down at the side of the well, almost exactly in 

the spot where JAY slept in the ants nest on night one. 

WILL 

You two go on, I’m just going to 

have a little recovery snooze.


JAY looks at SIMON and there's a moment where their eyes 

sparkle at the idea of leaving him here. Then JAY, of all 

people, weakens and walks over to drag WILL back to his feet. 

JAY 

Come on mate, you can have my bed 

tonight. This one’s a bit bitey. 

NEIL comes over and lends a hand. WILL stands and throws his 

arms across their shoulders as they help walk him up to the 

apartment. 

WILL (SINGING) 

I touched a boob and I liked it, 

shame I didn’t get to lick it... 

FADE TO BLACK. 

73 EXT. BEACHFRONT CAFE OVERLOOKING 'THE PARTY BOAT' 

73 

- DAY 6 

SIMON, NEIL and JAY are sitting in a café overlooking the 

boat. There is music blaring from the boat and they can see 

loads of great looking people in not very many clothes board. 

It looks totally brilliant. They are all really really 

hungover. SIMON is staring at it like he's going to cry. 

SIMON 

I don’t know if it’s better or 

worse that i can see the boat. 

NEIL 

If i could i’d give you my ticket 

Si. 

SIMON 

You can. Just give me your ticket. 

NEIL 

Yeah, but i really want to go, so 

you see, i actually can’t. 

JAY 

Cheer up Si, at least you haven’t 

got a tattoo saying ‘Gay Neil’. 

NEIL 

Oh fucking hell. Take Jay’s ticket. 

SIMON 

No, i think he needs it. 

NEIL 

What, cos of Jane?


JAY 

No. In case the Captain dies and i 

have to, um, drive the boat. 

SIMON looks at JAY, who looks sheepish, a moment which is 

punctured by a groaning from by the café door. The camera 

swings to where the noise came from and then after a second 

it tilts down to reveal WILL on his hands and knees. He looks 

awful, and has a pube on his cheek. 

WILL 

Eased up on the vomiting, mainly 

retching now. For the record, they * 

don’t clean that toilet floor very 

often. Lots of pubes on hands, 

knees and my face when i had a 

little lie down. i can’t believe 

we’ve been eating here. 

The GREEK WAITER approaches him. * 

GREEK WAITER * 

You want menu? * 

WILL * 

No, thank you. * 

People are passing them heading for the boat. They see LUCY, 

ALISON, JANE and LISA walking up. They are in beachwear, but 

have made an effort for the party and look great. 

NEIL 

Wow, they look hot. 

JAY 

Bit young for you ain’t they Neil? 

Behave. 

Lucy! 

NEIL 

SIMON 

LUCY looks up and sees SIMON, but ignores him. WILL tries to 

shout for ALISON whilst also retching. 

WILL 

Alison. Alisonurrgh. Oh i give up. 

The four girls have stopped and are having what looks like 

quite a serious chat. It seems that LISA and JANE are 

convincing LUCY to do something that she doesn't want to do 

because she's shaking her head. ALISON, LISA and JANE come 

over to the table, LUCY walks towards the sea, and sits on 

the beach. WILL is on all fours, motionless and green. 

ALISON 

Alright boys, who killed Will?


WILL 

I think the final blow was 

delivered by Reverend Tequila, in 

the library, with what feels like a 

lead pipe. 

SIMON 

What’s up with Lucy? 

ALISON 

Dunno, if you ask her rather than 

talking about your ex the whole 

time you might find out. 

SIMON 

Oh, god. Really? Fine. * 

ALISON looks at him. He gets up and walks over to LUCY. 

JAY 

You coming to the party then? 

JANE 

You try and stop me. We just saw 

two hot fellas dressed as fireman 

getting on board. They might need a 

hand with their hoses. 

LISA laughs, as does NEIL. JAY looks a bit disturbed by 

JANE'S boldness. 


I might have to set fire to my 

knickers. 

JAY 

I’ll come with you if you like? 

JANE 

No thank you. Come on Lisa. 

JAY looks embarrassed, JANE and LISA head to the boat. ALISON 

slightly sheepishly sits down next to WILL, on the floor. 

ALISON 

You look as bad on the outside as I 

feel on the inside. 

WILL 

Oh don't worry, I feel like shit on 

the inside too. 

ALISON 

Although i don’t have a pube on my 

cheek. 

Oh god. 

WILL


ALISON laughs. 

ALISON 

Anyway, seeing you in such a mess 

has at least cheered me up a bit. 

WILL 

Glad to be of service. You know I 

have a penis sunburnt on my back 

too? 


It must be reassuring to know that 

however bad life gets, you're not 

me. 

It is. 

ALISON 

WILL 

Good, because that means that every 

time you're down you'll have to 

come and find me, and hang out with * 

me. 

ALISON 

Yes, I think I might. Starting with 

today. I've got Nicos's ticket for 

the boat party, fancy joining me? 

WILL 

Yes. More than anything. 

ALISON 

Great, there's one condition 

though. 

Anything. 

WILL 

ALISON 

At no point are you allowed to say 

‘i told you so’. 

WILL 

I'm not sure I can guarantee that. 

ALISON and WILL start to leave then WILL looks over at SIMON. 

CUT TO: 

74 EXT. BEACH OVERLOOKING ‘THE BOAT’ - DAY 6 

74 

WILL is obviously mid way through explaining to SIMON. LUCY 

sits near them, in earshot.


WILL 

So it's not that i’d rather go to a 

party that infinitely heightens my 

sense of being out of kilter with 

the rest of the world but Alison is 

sort of the fittest girl i’ve ever 

met, and maybe... 

SIMON 

It's fine Will, honestly, go for 

it. I'll just find a quiet spot and 

hang myself. 

WILL 

Great. Lucy, make sure he doesn’t 

hang himself, i’m off. Look at me, 

following my cock like a normal 

person. 

WILL rushes off, then pops back to see LUCY 

He rushes off. 


Sorry for saying ‘cock’. 

75 EXT. HARBOUR / PARTY BOAT - DAY 6 

75 

Wide shot of the girls getting on the boat, and the three 

boys queuing to get on themselves. 

76 EXT. HARBOUR WALL - DAY 6 

76 

SIMON 

I didn’t realise I was being such a 

dick 

You were. 

LUCY 

SIMON 

I’m trying to say sorry. 

LUCY 

Well say it then. 

Sorry. 

SIMON 

LUCY 

For being a dick. 

SIMON 

Sorry for being a dick.


LUCY 

And for having too much gel in your 

hair. 

SIMON 

I don’t think i’ve got that much.. 

LUCY shrugs as if to say that’s the deal. 

They share a laugh. 


OK. I’m sorry for having too much 

gel in my hair. 


You should probably get going. 

LUCY 

I'm not that bothered. 

Really? 

SIMON 

LUCY 

Yeah. If you like, maybe we could 

hang out, the two of us. I quite 

fancy just staying by the pool. 

SIMON 

Yeah, I mean why spend the day 

having unbelievable fun on a party 

boat when you could be taking a 

depressed man swimming at a family 

hotel? 

LUCY 

I'm serious. I don’t mind, i might 

even cheer you up. If they let you 

back in. 

SIMON 

I honestly don't think I'll be very 

good company, but thanks for the 

offer. You go, I'll be alright. 

SIMON looks longingly at the boat again. LUCY is studying 

him, stands to leave then turns back. 

LUCY 

Look, it’s obvious how much Carli 

means to you. She’s lucky, i think. 

I’m sure you will sort it out. 

SIMON 

She goes back tomorrow, i can feel 

her slipping away.


LUCY 

Simon, if she really means that 

much to you I want you to take my 

ticket. 

There's a moment between them where SIMON is genuinely bowled 

over by her generosity and selflessness. 

BEAT 

BEAT 

Lucy... 

SIMON 

LUCY 

If you really want to go, take it. 

If you really want to go. 

SIMON 

God, I don't know what to say, 

you’d do that for me? 

Yes. 

Thanks. 

LUCY 

SIMON 

He snatches the ticket out of her hand and runs off down the 

beach, towards the boat, waving the ticket. And leaving LUCY 

looking slightly gobsmacked. 


See you later. Enjoy the pool. 

Will, WILL! I got a ticket, I got 

a ticket. 

WILL, JAY and NEIL turn round and see him coming. They cheer. 

77 PARTY BOAT - DAY 6 

77 

As the four boys walk through the boat it's like a scene from 

Entourage or some equally glamourous and sexy film. The boys 

are in heaven, and SIMON is grinning like a man who has won 

the lottery. This is a massive, brilliant party. People 

drinking, going mental, dancing on seats, having fun. 

Mental. 

NEIL 

JAY 

Yeah, this is more like it. Proper 

holiday.


SIMON 

Fucking hell, I never thought I'd 

make it. This is it, what did i 

tell you? Me and Carli, back 

together. 

NEIL rolls his eyes then smacks Simon in the balls. 


Oww. Have you not noticed that that 

hasn’t stopped me at all? I’ve just 

got very bruised balls. 

They come across the bar area, where people are drinking 

cocktails out of huge glasses and having drinks poured in 

their mouths by enthusiastic looking bar staff. 


Quick shot for luck? Will? 

WILL 

You're kidding. 

NEIL 

Come on, it's the best cure. 

WILL 

Yes, but the logical conclusion of 

that is that you never stop 

drinking and become an alcoholic 

and die. 

JAY 

Yeah, but you’ll be a million times 

less fucking boring though. * 

WILL 

Fair enough. What are we toasting? 

JAY 

To the Pussay. 

ALL 

The Pussay. 

WILL looks around a little bit embarrassed. 

NEIL 

To being playas. * 

ALL 

Playas. * 

SIMON 

To me and Carli.


JAY / NEIL / WILL 

Fuck off, nah you’re alright, no 

way. 

SIMON 

Fine, well i’m going off to find * 

her anyway. 

NEIL * 

Oh and Si? * 

SIMON * 

Yeah? * 

NEIL * 

I forgot something. * 

NEIL slaps him in the balls. SIMON leaves. 

JAY leaves. 

JAY 

I should find Jane, I promised her 

a dance. 

What? 

NEIL 

JAY 

Oh, what, no, just a dance. Then we 

can get some proper fit gash. But 

Jane's alright y'know, a laugh. 

NEIL 

The fat ones are always jolly. 

JAY 

Neil, what a horrible thing to say. 

NEIL 

Just you and me then Will. 

WILL doesn't look great again all of a sudden. 

WILL 

Oh no. Oh god. What was I 

thinking, tequila? 

He covers his mouth and runs to the stairwell near the bar., 

and pukes over it. He looks down and sees that he has been 

sick over an attractive couple who were kissing. 


Shit. Sorry. * 

He runs to the other stairwell, looks down, and there are 

more people there.


He covers his mouth and runs out to the bow. NEIL watches him 

run past three times, shaking his head as if WILL is crazy. 

NEIL (WITH A LAUGH) 

Make your bloody mind up you wally. 

NEIL then exhales and realises he is left quite alone. 

78 A BIG SWEEPING HELICOPTER OR BOAT PASS OF THE PARTY BOAT 78 

- DAY 6 

79 EXT. BOAT TOP DECK - DAY 6 

79 

SIMON is looking all over the boat for CARLI, and when he 

finally finds her she seems to be arguing with JAMES. SIMON 

looks defeated. 

CUT TO: 

80 INT. BOAT - DAY 6 

80 

NEIL is wandering around a bit lonely. He suddenly sees 

RICHARD, and goes over to him, delighted to see a friendly, 

if mental, face. 

NEIL 

Richard, alright mate? 

RICHARD 

Oh, alright? 

NEIL 

Yeah. How’s it going? 

RICHARD 

Yeah, not too bad. i was djing at 

this techno club right, and this 

mental pierced bird comes over to 

me and says ‘i want you to piss on 

me and then fuck me’. So i pissed 

all over her. 

NEIL 

And then fucked her? 

RICHARD 

No. She was covered in piss. 

NEIL 

Oh, course. 

RICHARD 

Anyway, the other day right, i 

started crying and couldn’t stop. 

(MORE)


RICHARD (CONT'D) 

So yeah, my mum and dad have flown 

over to take me home. Pretty cool. 

He points over to a middle-aged couple who are sitting down, 

looking very middle-aged and suburban in amongst the throng 

of young party-goers. They wave at RICHARD and NEIL. 

RICHARD (CONT’D) 

Yeah. Come and say hello. 

NEIL 

Um, alright. 

NEIL and RICHARD walk over to RICHARD'S parents. NEIL shakes 

the dad's hand and he kisses the mum. Just as he does so 

there's a hand on his back. It's LISA. 

LISA 

Back off bitch. Not this time. 

She drags NEIL away, smiling. 

81 INT. AFT OF BOAT - DAY 6 

81 

JAY is wandering around a bit lost when he finds JANE. He’s 

really excited and goes up to her. 

JAY 

Jane. Jane. 

JANE 

Oh hello. You sure you want to be 

seen with me? 

JAY 

Yeah, i do. I really do. Can we 

have that snog now? 

JANE 

What now, here, right in front of 

everyone? 

JAY looks around and it really is very exposed, even if you 

weren’t self-conscious you’d find it a little much. 

JAY 

Um, yeah. Yeah. 

JANE 

Yeah, well i’m not that kind of 

girl, so i suggest we find 

somewhere a little more private. 

JAY 

I don’t mind.


JANE 

I’ve told you, i do. And to be fair 

in private you might get a blow job 

out of it. 

JAY looks scared, JANE takes him by the hand and leads him 

off. 

82 EXT. BOAT TOP DECK - DAY 6 

82 

SIMON is alone and looking slightly forlorn. He throws a look 

towards the beach, when CARLI comes over to him. She’s 

suddenly very touchy feely and a little unsteady on her feet. 

Simeee! 

CARLI 

SIMON (A BIT OFF BALANCE) 

Oh hi. Carleeee! 

CARLI 

Where’ve you been, I’ve been 

looking all over for you? 

SIMON 

I need to tell you something. 

CARLI 

Shhhhhhhhhh. I know. 

CARLI leans in and they kiss. Eventually SIMON pulls back. 

SIMON 

Wow. Are you drunk? 

CARLI 

Maybe, does it matter? 

SIMON 

No. It’s all good. 

They kiss again, more passionately. The camera starts over 

CARLI’s shoulder on SIMON’s face, which is a picture of 

closed-eyed bliss. The snog continues and the camera spins 

around the couple until it is over SIMON’s shoulder on CARLI, 

who has both eyes open and is looking over at something else. 

The camera spins round them again and we see where CARLI’s 

stare was focussed. It’s JAMES, who is standing with a group 

of attractive girls. He looks at CARLI. 

CUT TO: 


83 

WILL is vomiting / retching hard over the side of the boat, 

ALISON comes over to him and pats him on the back.


ALISON 

Get it all up. 

WILL 

Little easier on the sunburnt cock 

please. 

ALISON 

Oops, sorry. 

WILL 

It’s fine. 

ALISON 

I mean, what a total twat. 

Me? 

WILL 

ALISON 

No, Nicos the total and utter Greek 

twat. Did you see her, she was 

hideous, she must have been at 

least 30. 

WILL 

Yeh, at least. Hurgh. * 

WILL vomits. * 

WILL vomits. 

ALISON 

To think i fell in love with that 

man You should have heard some of 

the things he said to me, about our 

future. 

WILL 

I told you, hurgh, so. 

ALISON 

Amazing. You arsehole, you had to * 

say it didn't you? Even in the 

fucking state you’re in you 

couldn’t resist? 

WILL 

I'm sorry, it's just what I do. 

ALISON 

I understand. 

WILL 

Really? You understand what it's 

like to be me? 

(MORE)


He hurls again. 

WILL (CONT'D) 

You what it’s like to be a virgin 

who hurls over the side of boats in 

front of the loveliest woman he’s 

ever met? Oh no. 


And this isn’t even the most 

embarrassing thing i’ve ever done. 

ALISON 

Well i do understand, and if you 

want my honest opinion you stress 

about sex too much. Sex is not that 

big a deal. 

WILL 

No, not to you. 

BEAT. Where, incredibly, he doesn't hurl. 

ALISON 

Alright, I'll revise my offer. How 

about instead of having sex with 

you in a year, I have sex with you 

all year? 

WILL looks up, wiping puke off his mouth to see ALISON 

smiling. 

What? 

WILL 

ALISON 

It's a one-time offer. 

WILL 

To confirm, do you mean like a 

girlfriend or like a prostitute? 

ALISON 

I was thinking more like a 

girlfriend. 

WILL smiles a huge, slightly sick covered smile. 

WILL 

Could you write it.. 

ALISON 

No, I'm not going to write it down. 

What I'm saying is that I like you. 

Despite myself, I really do like 

you, and your stupid brain and 

silly face and if you like me too 

then we're on.


WILL raises his head from the railings to kiss her, in a 

grand dramatic sweep as if this is the end of a great 

romantic film. She recoils away, breaking the moment totally. 


Ew, but not til you've brushed your * 

teeth though. * 


84 

We are back with SIMON and CARLI snogging. JAMES is still 

sort of looking on, annoyed. It looks like CARLI is getting 

the desired effect. She pulls out of the kiss, still staring 

at JAMES. SIMON still has his eyes closed, the weirdo. 

CARLI 

That should do it. 

SIMON 

You know we could do this forever. 

CARLI (LOOKING PAST HIM, DISTRACTED) 

Yeah, I know. 

SIMON 

Oh god Carls i thought i’d lost 

you. I thought i’d lost you, and no 

matter how much they hit me in the 

balls i knew i was right. And i’ve 

worked it out, it was so simple, i 

just get a job near your uni for 

three years, four if you do an MA, 

and then we can be together 

forever. Forever, just like we 

should be. 

As SIMON speaks CARLI is transfixed on JAMES who has one of 

the attractive girls draped over him and makes a movement to 

the girls like they are going to snort some cocaine. 


Carli, what’s wrong? Did you hear 

what I said? 

SIMON looks over and sees the source of CARLI’s unhappiness. 

CARLI 

Something about being hit in the 

balls? 

SIMON 

Well yes, but mainly about being 

together forever. 

CARLI 

I’m sorry Simon. Can you just kiss 

me again?


SIMON looks over at JAMES then back at CARLI. Then at JAMES * 

again, and back to CARLI as the penny drops. He looks around * 

him and sees other people who look happy. People just * 

enjoying themselves in an uncomplicated fashion. Then he 

looks beyond them to the shore. Then CARLI tries to kiss him 

again, a move he rebuffs. 

BEAT 

SIMON 

I’m sorry Carls. This is wrong. I 

think I’ve got it all wrong. 

What? 

CARLI 

SIMON 

I’ve made a bad choice today. I 

honestly wish you all the best with 

your life but right now I have to * 

leave. I don’t think you’ll ever * 

see me again. * 

CARLI 

(slightly confused) 

But I’ll see you at your Mum’s 

birthday do in two weeks time. 

SIMON 

Well yes, but then after that... 

CARLI 

And then your brother’s sixteenth 

the following week. 

SIMON 

It was more like a metaphorical 

thing. Anyway, I’ll see you around 

Carli. 

CARLI 

Yes, at your mums... 

SIMON 

Please? Can i just? Thank you. 

And with that SIMON leaves and CARLI is left alone. She 

turns round she sees JAMES going off with the girls. 

CUT TO: 


85 

NEIL and LISA are dry humping inside the boat. He's really 

going for it, all outside the clothes. He's also not kissing 

her at all. LISA stops him.


LISA 

Neil, Neil, stop. 

NEIL 

What's up, is it my zip? I can undo 

it if you want? 

LISA 

No it's not that, I just think this 

is wrong. I feel bad for your 

girlfriend. 

NEIL 

No, it's fine, we aren't kissing. 

LISA 

Yeah, but look at what we are 

doing. How do you think she'd feel? 

How would you feel if you saw her 

doing this with a guy? 

NEIL steps away from LISA slightly, as if he's taking in the 

whole situation. He suddenly looks quite sad. 

LISA (CONT’D) 

I wouldn't want to be treated like 

this. I’ve got ethics. * 

NEIL 

Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's 

just, well Nicole dumped me just 

before we got out here. I didn't 

want to tell the others cos I was 

embarrassed. 

Oh Neil. 

LISA 

NEIL 

Yeah, she sent a text saying 'U 

dance like a twat, u r dumped'. 

Broke me up. So this is fine, and 

if you want we can even kiss. 

LISA moves her face close to his, touching it with her hand. 

LISA 

Oh Neil. Is that true? Really? 

NEIL 

Yeah, course. 

They both move in for the snog now. 


If you like. 

They start snogging again.


86 INT/EXT. BOAT TOILETS - DAY 6 

86 

JAY and JANE are coming out of the toilet, JAY looks flushed, 

JANE is grinning. They bump into JAMES heading in. 

JAY 

That was just, i mean, did it not 

taste funny cos it looks funny? 

JAMES 

Oh, alright mate, who’s this then? 

I’m Jane. 

JANE 

JAY 

She’s my girlfriend. 

JAMES 

Is she, fucking hell you better be 

careful she doesn’t fall overboard 

cos.. 

JANE 

Cos I’ll get harpooned? Cos they 

might think i’m a new island? Cos 

all the water might splash out onto 

the land? I’ve heard em all, take 

your pick. 

JAMES 

Fucking hell, alright tubs it was 

only a joke. And as you’re coming 

out of there like a naughty boy you 

can do me a favour. I need a note 

for the old toot. 

JANE 

We weren’t doing drugs actually. 

JAMES 

Christ, i hope for his sake you 

were, there are laws against 

fucking cattle mate, even in 

Greece. Now i’m going to need to 

take a note off you, you’re a mate, 

you don’t mind do you? Give. 

BEAT as JAY thinks. Then he reaches behind him as if he’s 

going in his back pocket, but what we can see and JAMES can’t 

is that he actually sticks his hand down into of his pants. 

JAY 

No, no, not at all. Here you go 

mate. Already rolled. 

JAMES 

Cheers. i’ll keep this, alright?


JAY 

No problemo. 

JAY takes JANE’s hand and leads her off, smiling. JAMES goes 

into the open toilet door where the girls have been lining up 

the cocaine. He sticks the rolled up note in his nose and has 

a good old snort. He retches slightly, but comes up smiling. 

The girls looks aghast because despite the smile, he has a 

little bit of shit on his nose. 

87 EXT. BOAT - DAY 6 

87 

WILL and ALISON are walking along arm in arm, he’s still very 

green around the gills. 

WILL 

So I just need to find some 

toothpaste and we’re on? 

ALISON 

Think we might need mouthwash too. 

They stop in their tracks as they come across SIMON standing 

by the railing, looking out to sea. 

WILL 

Simon, are you alright? 

SIMON 

Yeah, yeah I think for the first 

time in my life I am. I’m clear 

anyway. 

WILL 

Well I’ve got good news. Me and 

Alison are an item. 

SIMON 

Bollocks. Sorry. Is that true? 

ALISON 

Well it doesn’t officially start 

til he stops puking. 

WILL 

It can’t be long now, that last one 

was mostly spit. How did it go with 

Carli? 

SIMON 

Long term good, short term 

horrific. But definitely long term 

good. 

WILL 

Have you murdered her?


SIMON 

No, but I have been thinking that 

maybe Carli’s not all that. 

WILL 

Okay, so where's the real Simon? 

What have you done with him? 

SIMON 

I think Lucy might be the one. * 

WILL 

Yes, obviously, Lucy is much nicer 

and actually likes you. 

SIMON 

But i’m worried I might have been a 

bit of a dick to her. 

ALISON 

You've been more than a bit of a 

dick to her, you’ve been a massive 

dick to her. But she still likes 

you anyway. 

SIMON 

Good. That’s really good. 

SIMON looks out over the sea towards the shore, it doesn’t 

seem that far away. It also looks pretty difficult to climb 

over the railings. SIMON starts getting undressed. * 

ALISON * 

Does he always strip when he’s * 

happy? * 

WILL * 

Yeah, normally. * 

NEIL and LISA walk over with JAY and JANE, who are holding 

hands. SIMON is now climbing on the bar to get to the very 

top deck. 


Simon, you can’t go up there, 

there’s a sign. 

JAY * 

Ooh, sign. 

WILL * 

Hello Jay. * 

SIMON * 

Alison, can you text Lucy and tell 

her i’m coming to get her?


ALISON 

Of course, i will. Brilliant. 

Alright? 

Yeah. 

NEIL 

SIMON 

NEIL 

What you doing up there then? 

SIMON 

I'm going to swim back to shore and 

tell Lucy how I feel. 

JANE 

How romantic. 

ALISON 

It is, isn’t it? 

SIMON 

Is it a bit far? 

JAY 

Nah, bollocks. You can see the 

shore, I've swum further than that 

backstroke. 

ALISON 

Do it. Swim there, show her what 

she means to you and then kiss her. 

JAY 

On the fanny. 

JANE slaps him with the back of her hand. 

Jay! 

JANE 

JAY 

Sorry darling. 

88 EXT BEACH - DAY 6 

88 

On shore we see LUCY looking sad and lovely on the shore. Her 

phone pings, she looks at it and sees the text from ALISON 

saying ‘Simon’s coming to get you. You lucky thing’. She 

looks over and sees SIMON, way in the distance climbing onto 

the roof of the boat. She watches and smiles.


89 EXT PARTY BOAT - DAY 6 

89 

SIMON is up on the top deck and has the attention of the 

whole boat now. 

SIMON 

Right, fuck it, you only live once. 

The assembled gang cheer as SIMON looks round for a second, 

sees all the smiling faces, including most of the boat who 

are now watching, and then dives in to huge cheers. He 

surfaces, turns round and waves, and everyone cheers him on 

as he starts crawling towards the shore. 

FADE TO BLACK: 

90 EXT. BOAT / SEA - DAY 6 

90 

WE FADE UP 

To a similar scene to the one we left, but instead of a 

cheering multitude the multitude now look concerned. We see 

SIMON in the water. He's barely moved any distance and now 

seems to be genuinely struggling. 

WILL 

I think he might be drowning. 

91 EXT. SEA - DAY 6 

91 

We see SIMON being rescued by a coastguard's helicopter. 

92 EXT. BEACH - DAY 6 

92 

SIMON is being dragged ashore in his rescue cot by the coast 

guard. He looks like he's swallowed a lot of water. 

LUCY comes running over, and pushes through the gathered 

crowd. He looks up from the stretcher and smiles at her. 

SIMON 

I, I did it for you. 

LUCY 

(with tears in her eyes, 

smiling) 

Oh Simon. 

LUCY reaches down and kisses SIMON. * 

SIMON 

I think I've shit myself.


LUCY looks puzzled and then SIMON is put onto a stretcher and * 

wheeled through the crowd to a waiting ambulance. He manages 

to shout to LUCY through the crowd. 


Lucy, it's normally bigger, it was 

cold. 

He's bundled into the back of the ambulance which screeches 

off, sirens blaring. 

93 EXT. SEA - EVENING 6 

93 

The three couple on board move away from the railings, all 

kiss and then join the throng on the dancefloor, going crazy 

(JAY doing the slap arse dance with JANE). In the background 

we see JAMES trying to talk to girls, who just laugh at him. 

94 MONTAGE (NEXT TO CREDIT RUN) 

94 

1 - DAY 7: The guys and their new girlfriends visiting SIMON 

in his hospital ward, shared with a couple of other injured 

Brits (lots of blood, not many teeth). LUCY is at his bedside 

and everyone looks very lovey-dovey, JAY even bringing in a * 

chair for JANE. JAY grabs a pillow from behind SIMON’s head * 

and offers it to JANE. They film the moment. NEIL and LISA * 

kiss in the corner. * 

NOTE: Will is carrying Simon’s clean trunks (from DAY 6) in a * 

clear plastic bag. They are all filming the event with their * 

camera phones. * 

2 - DAY 8: Each of them texting their parents to wire them 

money. WILL’s text is to his Dad, and he includes a photo of 

him kissing ALISON for good luck. NEIL and LISA are kissing. * 

NOTE: JAY is filming on his camera phone * 

3 - DAY 8: We see the reverse of this. In WILL’s dad’s house 

he gets a text of him kissing ALISON. He shows SUSIE and it 

brings a tear to his eye. 

4 - DAY 8: We see one of the iconic four shots of the boys 

from earlier, but this time it’s become an eight shot. 


5 - DAY 8: SIMON NEIL and WILL are all in the apartment. * 

There’s a hat on the bedroom doornob. They slowly creep up, 

then burst in, only to find JAY and JANE fully clothed, 

eating a pizza. 

NOTE: BLAKE is filming on a camera phone *


6 - DAY 9: The four boys all kissing the girls goodbye at the 

airport. The boys are really crying but the girls aren't. 


7 - DAY 9: The boys arriving back at Gatwick to see their * 

parents waiting. There’s barely a beat and then the four 

girls all arrive through customs, and are introduced to the 

parents. JAY introduces JANE to his Dad. The boys then snog * 

the girls and NEIL looks over LISA’s shoulder to see NICOLE 

arriving. 

NOTE: JAY is filming on his camera phone. MR COOPER is * 

filming on a camcorder. *

The Inbetweeners screenplay - 162MC

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