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Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Soul by Curt Grayson and Jan Johnson Chapter 4: THE HANDICAP OF BEING HUMAN The inability to be the Christian we'd like to be is not a newfangled psychological malady: Chronic Faithlessness Syndrome. It's a universal problem for humankind. It flourishes when we pretend it's not there and it blooms wherever it's planted. The garden is the entire human race and the growing season began with the Fall of humanity. Adam and Eve experienced the painful regret and dashed hopes many people do today. What could have been more "downwardly mobile" than being banished from the Garden of Eden? What could have been more shaming to them as parents than for one of their children to murder another, as Cain killed Abel? After the Fall, Adam and Eve found that thorns and thistles grew not only from the ground, but also between each other. Part of the curse was that they would try to control each other: "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you" (Gen. 3:16). We can only guess how worthless they may have felt as the curse produced turmoil in the key areas that supply self-worth: making a living (tilling the fields) and childbearing (Gen. 3:16-19). This first family in history splintered as its members reacted with denial, blame, isolation and acting out of anger. These four tendencies have been handed down through families for generations until they have permeated every home and every culture. DENIAL "they hid from the Lord God . . . ." We tend to think that most of life's problems are like hiccups; they'll go away if we ignore them long enough. This can grow into denial -- acting as if painful events never occurred, pretending to be fine when we're not. Adam and Eve's behavior illustrates three rules for denial, 3 which set them up for failure and disappointment . Don't talk After the couple disobeyed God by eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, they didn't seek God in repentance and despair. They didn't approach God as children who trust their parents do, saying, Look what we've done. We're sorry. What can we do? Instead, they hid (Gen. 3:8). When God confronted them, they didn't admit guilt or ask for forgiveness. Don't trust When the serpent said Adam and Eve wouldn't die if they ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, he contradicted God's words (Gen. 3:4-5). Adam and Eve trusted the serpent instead of God, the one who had given them every reason to trust Him. He had provided their 3 "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" are three rules that Claudia Black popularized in her book, It Will Never Happen to Me (Denver, CO: M.A.C. Printing and Publications Division, 1982), chap. 3, 31-52.
needs and talked with them in the garden. They didn't even ask God about this serpent's statement, as a trusting child would ask a parent, Didn't you say . . .? Don't feel Even though Adam and Eve may have felt great sorrow, none was recorded in the Bible passage. Nor was it recorded that they pleaded with God to let them stay in the garden. The only feeling mentioned is Adam's fear: "'I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.'" (Gen. 3:10). Even then, Adam sounds as if he were defending his behavior, not admitting fear. Adam and Eve then busied themselves with a supposed solution -- sewing together fig leaf garments which God eventually replaced (Gen. 3:7, 21). In the same way, we often busy ourselves with inadequate, temporary "solutions" when we're afraid to face feelings that overwhelm us. It's easier to buy a gift for someone we've hurt rather than apologize; it's easier to set up chairs for Bible study than to sit down and confess our sins to God. Denial appears to be a benign coping mechanism, but be aware that it has three faces: the good, the bad and the ugly. The Good Denial seems useful for children in helping them disregard painful experiences. Those who were abused physically or sexually may manage to block it from their memory. In reality, they store these experiences in the subconscious mind, which becomes a holding tank for pain. Perhaps God in His mercy allows this delay because children are not equipped to face this pain. It lays dormant until as mature adults, they can face it and work through it. Even in the most ordinary circumstances, children are encouraged to deny feelings with comments as, Don't look so blue! or Chin up! We may have even been molded into a "lookinggood kid" who worked hard to earn those magic words from parents and coaches, You're looking good! If, as children, we learned to do whatever it took to look good in other people's eyes -- pretending to be happy, hiding anger -- as adults we continue this "looking-good kid" mask by hiding marital problems, financial struggles and broken dreams. This kind of denial is mistakenly assumed to be good. Susanna (chapter 2), for example, said she was better and stronger because of her childhood difficulties. Well-meaning Christians sanction denial by quoting Romans 8:28: "All things work together for good for those that love God and live according to His purpose." They imply that this verse means we should refuse to face the hurts of our past and how they're sabotaging our life in God. Instead, this verse encourages us to face reality because God can work in the midst of great pain to transform us into His likeness. Jan tells about how she was asked to understand this. As a college student working in downtown New York City, my companions and I did a lot of street witnessing and participated in Bible studies in apartments. I was excited about sharing the love of Jesus in a place of such broken-heartedness. After a month or so, a missionary came to visit our group and she pulled me aside. "Jan, I sense that there are some hurts in your past, aren't there?"
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Page 3 and 4: This dilemma simmered on the back b
Page 5 and 6: Parts I and II of this book set you
Page 7 and 8: I decided the answer was to work in
Page 9 and 10: never been so honest. I was afraid
Page 11 and 12: year-old son asked my advice for th
Page 13 and 14: What must I do to feel loved? What
Page 15 and 16: Some medical doctors now give their
Page 17 and 18: Yet they become frustrated if they
Page 19: It helps to remember that suicidal
Page 23 and 24: many so that when a crisis occurs,
Page 25 and 26: Beginning with the first sin of Ada
Page 27 and 28: o Look at pictures of yourself as a
Page 29 and 30: members. This controlling behavior
Page 31 and 32: they don't truly encourage each oth
Page 33 and 34: Q THE BIBLE SAYS THAT WE SHOULD SER
Page 35 and 36: 18. Has your physician ever treated
Page 37 and 38: consequences for wrong behaviors an
Page 39 and 40: groups on parenting. This closed sy
Page 41 and 42: It's possible that when children ex
Page 43 and 44: FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION AND DISCUSS
Page 45 and 46: predictability and security. Regret
Page 47 and 48: They may complain about this but do
Page 49 and 50: As each of us uncovers our real sel
Page 53 and 54: SELF-CONDEMNATION Judging self with
Page 55 and 56: Carol called me one night and told
Page 57 and 58: I'm just now learning not to take m
Page 61 and 62: Eating disorders Bulimics eat large
Page 63 and 64: Hooked on a Leader Have you ever ta
Page 65 and 66: Q IF I HAVE ALCOHOLIC PARENTS, DOES
Page 67 and 68: Most Christians would deny ever vie
Page 69 and 70: I never felt like rejoicing. It's h
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The above examples of easily misint
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Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Sou
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HOW DO I FEEL? If you've lived on a
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The more often we speak honestly to
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Father's arms. We can gently surren
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Psalm 18:6, 17, 19 PLEASE HAVE FUN
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When we behave this way, we're usin
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When she allowed herself to remembe
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person sound safe. Invite that pers
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distance because we fear his or her
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Rejection is inevitable, though. We
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e healed." (James 5:16). The recipr
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no longer blaming anyone. The more
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A child development specialist advi
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especially true if you find yoursel
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At Thanksgiving, my relatives put e
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tell her parents she was in therapy
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their experiences, they keep in min
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As an authentic Christian, we liste
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the floor of the hallway next to th
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2. Is he willing to investigate how
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talking with them, asking them ques
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After that, I kept quiet about my d
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o Are there myths you would like to
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Finally Jessica became so depressed
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As Brian and the therapist talked a
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I watched others carefully as they
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I have stuffed many of my feelings
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5. Try to share from the heart as h
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• Physical: alcoholics became acc
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Changing behavior requires personal
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emove all these defects of characte
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