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interaction, it whets their appetites to do things differently. They make comments such as, When I grow up, I'm going to be just like . . . . Little do they know that their bodies and their memories are set up so that they will probably repeat the behaviors they learned in their family unless they undergo a process of self-examination and learn new tools for surrendering to God. YOU MAY BE WONDERING . . . Q IF I'M NOTHING LIKE MY "KING BABY" PARENT, NONE OF THIS AFFECTS ME, RIGHT? A Most of us try to become the opposite of our King Baby parent. We may not have the same outward behaviors (hot temper, demanding tone of voice), yet we have the same inner drives, sadness and anger that we keep safely hidden under a calmer demeanor. Or, instead of being critical and authoritarian, we respond by being weak and permissive. The family system affects all its members, although they respond differently according to their personality and what roles are left to them in the family (see next chapter). It's as if we are changing chairs on the Titanic -- we all participate in the same problem, only from a different perspective. Q I GET FRUSTRATED WITH MY KIDS. DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE A PROBLEM? A It's normal to have good and bad days with children. Nobody's perfect. What matters is the frequency and severity of the anger. Are you a parent who disciplines by giving consequences instead of ventilating anger? When parents do act in anger but then admit their mistakes, they show their children how they face their failures and they usually earn their children's respect. Q MY PARENTS DIDN'T COMPLIMENT OR ENCOURAGE ME. HOW COULD THIS BE AFFECTING ME NOW? A Children develop initiative and industriousness when they are complimented on what they do right and are not ridiculed when they make mistakes. In this culture, parents tend to criticize children when they make mistakes. Parents can reflect God's love when they encourage children whether they succeed or fail. This teaches them that trying is what is important, not winning or losing. Lack of encouragement in childhood affects us as adults because we judge ourselves harshly. We become perfectionists, trying to prove that we are good enough. Instead, we need to build relationships in which we are accepted and in which we can fail without being condemned. Q WHAT IF I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD? A One way to start is to watch children play. Go to a park and watch how simple, teachable and trusting children are (Matt. 18:4). Ask yourself, What's your earliest positive memory? Your earliest negative one? Did you have a pet? What sounds do you remember? It's important not to do this in isolation. Show those childhood pictures to others and tell them what you were like. (If your childhood was particularly painful, you may need a therapist to help you manage the fears that come with this.) Within the heart of that child in the picture are great hopes and perhaps even blossoming qualities that have been stamped out. If it was God who planted them, He can help you recover them.
FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION Answer these questions honestly. Take a minute to quiet yourself before answering them and ask God to reveal to you anything that you need to know. If you're participating in a group or sharing answers with a friend, pick out the questions you feel comfortable answering in the group. o Would you say that you tend to be passive or aggressive or assertive? (See chart above.) Perhaps you behave differently in different situations. o Name a situation in which you would like to become more assertive -- stating your needs and wants in a calm, direct manner. o Write a paragraph or two about how you think the people in that situation would respond. (Perhaps you'd like to buy a journal or dig out an old spiral notebook in which to write your thoughts.) o Do you sometimes feel that God has mood swings? How do you think your answer is related to your life growing up in your family? o Who were the adults outside your family who affected you most -- for good or bad? How did they help or hurt your development of trust, independence, initiative, industry or sense of identity? o With what kind of people are you most comfortable? Why do you think that is? Does it have anything to do with your childhood? o Look at pictures of yourself as a child (Use the same ones used in chapter 5.) Do you see blossoming qualities God put within you that may have been stamped out for some reason? Ask God to show you those parts of yourself that have been missing for a long time. ### © Curt Grayson and <strong>Jan</strong> <strong>Johnson</strong>
Page 1 and 2: Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Sou
Page 3 and 4: This dilemma simmered on the back b
Page 5 and 6: Parts I and II of this book set you
Page 7 and 8: I decided the answer was to work in
Page 9 and 10: never been so honest. I was afraid
Page 11 and 12: year-old son asked my advice for th
Page 13 and 14: What must I do to feel loved? What
Page 15 and 16: Some medical doctors now give their
Page 17 and 18: Yet they become frustrated if they
Page 19 and 20: It helps to remember that suicidal
Page 21 and 22: needs and talked with them in the g
Page 23 and 24: many so that when a crisis occurs,
Page 25 and 26: Beginning with the first sin of Ada
Page 27 and 28: o Look at pictures of yourself as a
Page 29 and 30: members. This controlling behavior
Page 31 and 32: they don't truly encourage each oth
Page 33 and 34: Q THE BIBLE SAYS THAT WE SHOULD SER
Page 35 and 36: 18. Has your physician ever treated
Page 37 and 38: consequences for wrong behaviors an
Page 39 and 40: groups on parenting. This closed sy
Page 41: It's possible that when children ex
Page 45 and 46: predictability and security. Regret
Page 47 and 48: They may complain about this but do
Page 49 and 50: As each of us uncovers our real sel
Page 53 and 54: SELF-CONDEMNATION Judging self with
Page 55 and 56: Carol called me one night and told
Page 57 and 58: I'm just now learning not to take m
Page 61 and 62: Eating disorders Bulimics eat large
Page 63 and 64: Hooked on a Leader Have you ever ta
Page 65 and 66: Q IF I HAVE ALCOHOLIC PARENTS, DOES
Page 67 and 68: Most Christians would deny ever vie
Page 69 and 70: I never felt like rejoicing. It's h
Page 71 and 72: The above examples of easily misint
Page 75 and 76: HOW DO I FEEL? If you've lived on a
Page 77 and 78: The more often we speak honestly to
Page 79 and 80: Father's arms. We can gently surren
Page 81 and 82: Psalm 18:6, 17, 19 PLEASE HAVE FUN
Page 83 and 84: When we behave this way, we're usin
Page 87 and 88: When she allowed herself to remembe
Page 89 and 90: person sound safe. Invite that pers
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distance because we fear his or her
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Rejection is inevitable, though. We
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e healed." (James 5:16). The recipr
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no longer blaming anyone. The more
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A child development specialist advi
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especially true if you find yoursel
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Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Sou
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At Thanksgiving, my relatives put e
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tell her parents she was in therapy
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their experiences, they keep in min
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As an authentic Christian, we liste
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the floor of the hallway next to th
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2. Is he willing to investigate how
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talking with them, asking them ques
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After that, I kept quiet about my d
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o Are there myths you would like to
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Finally Jessica became so depressed
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As Brian and the therapist talked a
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I watched others carefully as they
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I have stuffed many of my feelings
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5. Try to share from the heart as h
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• Physical: alcoholics became acc
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Changing behavior requires personal
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emove all these defects of characte
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