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The next month was eerie. I pulled back from all the advice giving and criticizing, but I could still hear myself in my head. Many times I went off to be alone to sort out those thoughts and lay them before God. Would it have really helped that person if I had offered my observations? I often asked God. The most startling thing, though, was that in my outward silence, I found myself listening to people much more intently. I gained a greater empathy for them. I have always believed that one of God's purposes for me is to encourage people, but now I see that my placater behavior hampered me instead of helping me. I felt the need to solve everyone's problems by next Tuesday, at least, and I didn't truly offer the listening heart I can offer now. FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION Answer these questions as honestly as possible. Take a minute to quiet yourself before answering them and ask God to reveal to you anything that you need to know. If you're participating in a group or sharing answers with a friend, pick out the questions you feel comfortable answering in the group. o Which role(s) feel familiar to you? o In what ways might you say that your role has hampered you in relationships? In the work place? With God? o How do you respond to yourself when you make a mistake? Place your response on the appropriate place on each continuum. harsh impatience- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - gentle patience a crisis to be weathered - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a problem to be solved o What steps could you take to set aside your role long enough to seek God's purposes for your life? ### © Curt Grayson and Jan Johnson
Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Soul by Curt Grayson and Jan Johnson Chapter 8: SCRAMBLING TO BE ADULTS Can you imagine building cabinets and finding you have no hammer, no screwdriver, not even a saw? Or suppose you need to bake brownies, but you have no mix, flour or eggs? What's more, imagine that in both cases it's impossible to buy what you're missing. You have to substitute with what you have. I can't! you protest. I don't have the right materials! As adults, we face a similar predicament. We aren't fully prepared for adult life. Juan, for example, got a good education and now has a good job, but he can't process the criticisms he receives in his performance reviews. So he drifts from job to job. He works at being witty and he buys the right clothes, hoping to attract a wife, but he can't open up to others with his fears and doubts. He goes to church and attends Bible studies, but there's something missing in his faith he can't explain. What was sown in his childhood comes to fruition as an adult: CHILDHOOD ADULTHOOD denial creates distrust blame creates self-condemnation isolation creates alienation repeated angry actions create tension Distrust, self-condemnation, alienation and tension force people into a corner in which they feel they must protect themselves at all costs. In that corner, vulnerability toward God and toward other people seems like an unattainable goal. DISTRUST Our culture urges people to pretend to be what they're not. Customer service personnel ask, Can I help you? when they would rather not. Advertisements try to persuade us that we can trust politicians, doctors or self-help gurus to have the answers, but they don't. If you add these influences to childhood patterns of denial, distrust develops. People protect themselves through the following means. Overreacting to uncontrollable circumstances 18 Hearing there's a new supervisor or being diagnosed with an obscure health problem can be a signal to assume the worst will happen. 18 Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy, (Pompano Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1985), 85-98, originated these specific characteristics. We have placed them in a different order and provided our own comments.
Page 1 and 2: Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Sou
Page 3 and 4: This dilemma simmered on the back b
Page 5 and 6: Parts I and II of this book set you
Page 7 and 8: I decided the answer was to work in
Page 9 and 10: never been so honest. I was afraid
Page 11 and 12: year-old son asked my advice for th
Page 13 and 14: What must I do to feel loved? What
Page 15 and 16: Some medical doctors now give their
Page 17 and 18: Yet they become frustrated if they
Page 19 and 20: It helps to remember that suicidal
Page 21 and 22: needs and talked with them in the g
Page 23 and 24: many so that when a crisis occurs,
Page 25 and 26: Beginning with the first sin of Ada
Page 27 and 28: o Look at pictures of yourself as a
Page 29 and 30: members. This controlling behavior
Page 31 and 32: they don't truly encourage each oth
Page 33 and 34: Q THE BIBLE SAYS THAT WE SHOULD SER
Page 35 and 36: 18. Has your physician ever treated
Page 37 and 38: consequences for wrong behaviors an
Page 39 and 40: groups on parenting. This closed sy
Page 41 and 42: It's possible that when children ex
Page 43 and 44: FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION AND DISCUSS
Page 45 and 46: predictability and security. Regret
Page 47 and 48: They may complain about this but do
Page 49: As each of us uncovers our real sel
Page 53 and 54: SELF-CONDEMNATION Judging self with
Page 55 and 56: Carol called me one night and told
Page 57 and 58: I'm just now learning not to take m
Page 61 and 62: Eating disorders Bulimics eat large
Page 63 and 64: Hooked on a Leader Have you ever ta
Page 65 and 66: Q IF I HAVE ALCOHOLIC PARENTS, DOES
Page 67 and 68: Most Christians would deny ever vie
Page 69 and 70: I never felt like rejoicing. It's h
Page 71 and 72: The above examples of easily misint
Page 75 and 76: HOW DO I FEEL? If you've lived on a
Page 77 and 78: The more often we speak honestly to
Page 79 and 80: Father's arms. We can gently surren
Page 81 and 82: Psalm 18:6, 17, 19 PLEASE HAVE FUN
Page 83 and 84: When we behave this way, we're usin
Page 87 and 88: When she allowed herself to remembe
Page 89 and 90: person sound safe. Invite that pers
Page 93 and 94: distance because we fear his or her
Page 95 and 96: Rejection is inevitable, though. We
Page 97 and 98: e healed." (James 5:16). The recipr
Page 99 and 100: no longer blaming anyone. The more
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A child development specialist advi
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especially true if you find yoursel
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Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Sou
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At Thanksgiving, my relatives put e
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tell her parents she was in therapy
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their experiences, they keep in min
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As an authentic Christian, we liste
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the floor of the hallway next to th
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2. Is he willing to investigate how
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talking with them, asking them ques
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After that, I kept quiet about my d
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o Are there myths you would like to
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Finally Jessica became so depressed
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As Brian and the therapist talked a
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I watched others carefully as they
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I have stuffed many of my feelings
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5. Try to share from the heart as h
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• Physical: alcoholics became acc
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Changing behavior requires personal
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emove all these defects of characte
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